Apr 22, 2013; San Diego, CA, USA; Milwaukee Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun (8) against the San Diego Padres. Mandatory Credit: Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports

MTV Cribs: Ryan Braun edition


Ben Liebman is a writer for FanSided partner BroJackson.com. For more great content, head on over to Bro Jackson and check out Ben’s work.

The day before Major League Baseball announced Ryan Braun’s season long suspension for performance enhancing drugs a camera crew from MLB TV was actually at the superstar’s home to shoot a lifestyle/cribs piece tentatively titled “Home Plate.” The following is a transcript of the footage recorded that day, now deemed unusable by MLB.

Producer: Alright Ryan, let’s just start out with the intro we talked about. Describe to us the cars out front. Once we nail that we can transition to the house. OK? We are rolling, so whenever you are ready.

Braun: Cool. (Small pause as he straightens out his Affliction T-Shirt that features a giant dragon with a smoking wooden bat in its mouth) Hey MLB fans, welcome to my pad here in River Hills. This is my sanctuary during off days, and I’m pumped for you guys to see it. Before we go in, I want to show you my two favorite things.

Producer: OK let’s get in position for the car shots. (In front of the house–a Black Mercedes G-Wagon and a Silver Maserati Quattroporte. Both cars sport personalized license plates. The Mercedes plate reads FTR HOF8 while MR BWER hangs from the front of the Maserati’s grill.)

Braun: These are my steady girlfriends right here. The G-Wagon I bought to celebrate my 2011 MVP award. I wasn’t sure at first about the license plate, but when you got it, flaunt it. The Maserati I got to reward myself for all the hard work I put in during the off-season. I’ve always heard success is 99 percent perspiration, and boy is that true. (Points to camera) Keep working on that swing kids.

Producer: Do you have a favorite one to drive?

Braun: I’d say the Maserati because it’s my go to car during the offseason. Nothing light’s up the night in South Beach like a muscle car. Get’s the testosterone flowing if you catch my drift.

Producer: Perfect. Let’s transition to the Kitchen. (The kitchen is awash in a rainbow of marble. His 2011 Silver Slugger hangs over the sink.)

Braun: This is a place I really don’t spend much time in. (He waves his arms around like a discarded Barker’s Beauty.) I’ve seen these shows before though so I know everyone is dying to see what I keep in my fridge. (Braun opens the floor to ceiling subzero fridge behind him) First thing I always need to have in here is my Whole Milk. I probably drink three glasses of the stuff a day. It’s one of the reasons I’m able to stay strong during the season. Drink your milk kids. (Flashes a smile) Does a body good. (Flexes his bicep) Besides that I got tons of Gatorade, and water but no soda. I like to think of my body as a temple so excess caffeine is something I avoid. There’s my Greek yogurt of course, and all the veggies I need for my green drinks.

Producer: Get a closer up of the greens.

(As camera sweeps in the Producer notices two identical glass jars on the top shelf filled with a clear liquid. One jar is without a label and the other one has a crude hand written script on it with lines scratched through. The top line says East German Women’s Powerlifting 1988, the second line is Property of Ken Caminiti, the third line has Clear BB, and the fourth just says If found please return to Biogeneisis.)

Producer: What about those glass jars?

Braun: What glass jars?

(Producer points to the top of the fridge)

Braun: Oh those jars. Yeah. Those jars up there you mean. Those jars aren’t mine actually so I’m not sure. I think my Mom uses them for cooking. Yeah that’s it. Those are her jars. I’ve actually never even noticed them before until now. Chalk that up to the busy life of a professional athlete I guess. (Braun slams the fridge door shut) Did I mention I rarely spend time in the kitchen?

Producer: You did. (Ten-second pause) Ok, how about the bedroom then?

(The bedroom has a California King bed facing a massive flat screen TV flanked by all of the awards Braun has won in his career)

Braun: Welcome to where the magic happens. A bunch of my friends have their own separate rooms for their trophies, but I don’t want to have to visit my accomplishments. Nothing better than seeing a MVP award to when you’re up at 5 a.m. to lift. The bathroom is this way.

(Braun points behind himself and the Producer waves on the camera crew to follow behind.)

Braun: Since we spend so much of our lives in the bathroom I wanted to make mine special. The shower is the largest one in Wisconsin, and features a rain showerhead that is normally used to clean off the San Diego Shamu. Costs a fortune. Then we got the granite sinks and of course a Japanese automatic toilet.

Producer: And that box? (He points to a red box with a Biohazard symbol and a black outline of a syringe. Under the outline black letters spell out “Regulated Medical Waste” and “Danger Biologique”)

Braun: That? That’s uh. Well it’s a long story really. You see that box over there isn’t for me. I’m not the type of person to deal with hazardous materials unless you mean an Aroldis Chapman fastball. (Braun laughs) Check out these frosted mirrors with the number 8 on them.

Producer: So what’s it for?

Braun: A divider between the shower and the toilet.

Producer: Sorry, not the frosted mirrors, I meant the red box.

Braun: Yeah that. That’s my ex girlfriend’s actually. She was dealing with a tough medical problem so I had that installed. I never even notice it actually.

Producer: What was her problem?

Braun: Besides always texting me about where I was you mean? (More Braun laughs) In all seriousness I wouldn’t feel comfortable betraying her trust like that. I’ve been meaning to take it down actually and send it to her as a gift. After all I have never used it.

(Silence in room)

Producer: OK. Let’s cut here guys. Next stop is the pool. (Before the crew can exit the bathroom Braun’s agent pushes his way into the space.)

Agent: Excuse me everyone, but Ryan there is a call for you.

Braun: I’ll call them back after we finish. We just have the pool and grotto left, right?

Producer: Yup.

Agent: Well the call is from your Coral Springs Veterinarian.

(Color leaves Braun’s face)

Braun: Is it important?

(The agent nods)

Agent: He says the horse we keep at Bosch Stables is hours away from being put down, and he needs to speak to you about it.

(Braun nods silently)

Braun: I’ve got to take this call then. Can you take them down to the grotto and I’ll meet you there.

Braun exits the bathroom and the crew heads down for the pool. As soon as they step outside the doors to the house lock behind them and all the blinds are pulled tight. After waiting nearly an hour and after numerous calls to the house and Braun’s agent the crew gets the point and packs up their gear. The last shot they got is of a Vince Lombardi poster that hangs in the pool house out back.

On the poster is a quote by Lombardi that says “The price of success is hard work, dedication to the job at hand, and the determination that whether we win or lose, we have applied the best of ourselves to the task at hand.”

Next to that poster is a picture of shirtless Braun on the beach in Miami.

Tags: Milwaukee Brewers Ryan Braun

  • Loren Baldwin

    What a bunch of BS!! Some people have quite the imagination!

  • Guest

    Hilarious!!!

  • Ed Snowden

    Hilarious!

  • http://fansided.com/ Matt Blake

    TEST