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Pepper jack and the 12 best types of cheese

It baffles me that someone could go through life hating cheese. Lactose intolerance is the worst kind of intolerance: worse than racism, worse than misandry. Cheese has been part of human history for thousands of years; I guess you could say cheese and cultures go hand in hand (zing). Not all cheeses are created equal, though, so it’s up to intrepid journalists like me to spend a week devouring dairy products and subsequently recording the findings in the type of ranked listicle that is all the rage on the ‘Net these days.

So here, for your reading pleasure, is a list of the twelve best cheeses. As always, I use “best” in an objective and irrefutable manner guided by science, reason, and Darwin. (You may notice that some of the cheeses are presented with beer pairings. This is because beer is one of the only topics I’m qualified to write about.)

12) Muenster: So I have this idea for a YouTube video series where I use figurines carved from cheese to reenact a classic black-and-white television sitcom about a group of scary-but-really-just-like-us creatures all living under one roof: The Edams Family.

11) Parmesan: Without parmesan cheese we wouldn’t have “chicken parmesan,” the go-to dish for neckbeards in need of one meal they can cook decently enough to impress the girlfriends they’re constantly trashing online. She’s so overly attached, guys! She, like, calls me and asks about my day and stuff! But at least she’s not fat, like Kate Upton, whom I could totally bang.

10) Cheddar: “Cheddar is better” is how they saying goes, because people are often deluded into believing the veracity of anything expressed in rhyme (see “the first one who smelt it, dealt it,” “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” and any boasts of GOAT status ever uttered by Kanye West). Don’t believe the hype, folks. Cheddar isn’t bad, obviously, but it is cheese with training wheels, cheese for people whom still consume most of their daily 2-3 servings of fruit in box-and-bendy-straw form. It’s safe and predictable, no matter the variety. Honestly, even sharp cheddar is dull.

9) Brie: Raving about brie is a surefire sign of the self-proclaimed connoisseur status akin to what’s emanated by any white undergraduate who just discovered A Tribe Called Quest last week and now claims expertise about all things hip hop. Brie is fancy cheese for people that don’t actually want to put in the blood, sweat, and tears that surely must coincide with deep knowledge of cheeses. If you want to impress your naive, Velveeta-slurping cousin — the one who loves “muddin’” and hates the federal government — with your faux fanciness, go ahead and name-drop brie as your favorite, but know that such a preference isn’t impressing anyone in the chess cognoscenti. (Beer pairing: Have you ever tried Sierra Nevada? It’s the best microbrew! Totally unknown!)

8) String cheese:
Far more popular than string theory cheese, which may or may not exist.

7) Provolone: The only thing better than provolone is bro-volone, which tastes pretty much the same but a) has a dad with a dealership, and b) will non-erotically pat your back when you embrace. Whereas provolone tends to hug sans back-pat, which all of teh gehy. (Beer pairing: Coors Lite, crushed with the same swiftness with which you crush pussy.)

6) American: If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 64 times: Nobody makes cheese like the Americans. HashtagNostalgicTVReferenceAmIRite?, HashtagHumor. (Beer pairing: Pabst.)

5) Chuck E.:A great place to meet single moms who have a thing for guys who hand out in childrens’ play places. (Beer pairing: You probably shouldn’t ever be drinking in a Chuck E. Cheese’s.)4) Limburger: If you ever have to draw a burger patty in fine detail — say a pistol is pressed to your temple and your abductor happens to love still lifes — render it topped with limburger cheese. If your captor also has a taste for the meta, you’re captivity may come to an n’d.3) Swiss: Hey, did you know Swiss cheese has holes in it?! That’s a comedy goldmine right there! You can use that fact in so many hilarious ways, like referencing that big rumor about Louis Sacher using a chunk of Swiss cheese to asphyxiate that call girl. (Sorry if that’s esoteric. It’s really only funny if you remember that Louis Sacher wrote that beloved kid’s book called Hole: The Norwegian Municipality Where I’ll Kill a Prostitute).2) Cake: “B-bu-but,” you stammer, semantics erection raging, wet lips quivering in anticipation for the joy of correcting a stranger on the Internet, “cheese cake isn’t technically cheese. Your suck at writing lists about cheese, sucky cheese-list writer.” Go kick rocks, hair-splitter: I’m eating cheese cake and I can’t hear you over all the deliciousness. (Beer pairing: Forget beer, you need some pinot gris, because you’ve totally earned these indulgent calories.)

1) Pepper jack: If pepper jack cheese was a person, it’d be truth-telling-yet-pronoun-pronoun-confused DJ Khaled. I once thought it’d be cute to tell my girlfriend that she was like pepper jack cheese — the best — but she got all upset with me since she too was derived from Montery Jack, only in her case he was an absentee parent always out gallivanting with Chip and Dale. Lesson learned: it was a sore subject. Still, pepper jack cheese is sehr lecker.

Tags: Beer Food

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