The ten best breakfasts for people on the go


If you’re like me, you probably don’t have much time in the morning to eat a good breakfast before rushing off to your high-paying job on Wall Street. Oh, you know breakfast is “the most important meal of the day” and all, but who has time to craft an omelet when there’s money to be made and power ties to be worn?

Luckily for you, I’ve decided to list the ten best breakfast items for people in a hurry. All the entries on this list can be made/devoured in under ten(ish) minutes, which allows you plenty of time to get out the door and begin your day of counting money and complaining about those stupid union workers holding up the public transit system with their insane demands.

Oatmeal for breakfast is the least imaginative way to start your day. Sure, oatmeal is “satisfying” and inoffensive, but a reliance on it betrays a meek refusal to think outside the Quaker box (err…cylinder) on the part of the consumer. Maybe you loved oatmeal when you first had it, or maybe you slowly grew to adore it over time, but either way it’s hard to picture getting excited chills over a bowl of oatmeal after years and years of willingly plunging into its blandness. Basically, oatmeal is The Oatmeal of breakfast foods. Yeah…that’s an original joke. Just like how Tesla was the original inventor of everything.

Grapefruit contains lycopene, which is good for fighting cancer but is not, evidently, Latin for “wolf penis.”

I had a great joke about a serial killer who, just for Kix, would keep his victims’ fingers on a necklace as Lucky Charms. But a guy in my hometown was just caught doing almost that exact same thing, and it feels Total-ly too soon to joke about it.

Toast always reminds me of how my biological parents showed me The Brave Little Toaster right before informing me they were getting a divorce, attempting to sooth my tears by telling me how I needed to be their brave little toaster and how they still both loved me very, very much. So, obviously, I love toast because a) having two Christmases was awesome and b) mommy’s new boyfriend taught me racial slurs and how to shotgun beers.

Fried eggs, though tasty, are for people who haven’t had the image of them ruined by Ras Kass referring to a girl’s breasts as “looking like two fried eggs on her chest.” Which was probably you, until I mentioned it. Sorry.

I usually vacillate between the two when it comes to picking a favorite. Or, I suppose, you could say I…wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…ALTERNATE between them.

Yogurt is great, especially if you want to spend your Halloween dressed as Laurie Strode, eluding Michael Myers with the help of strategically deployed oil slicks of debilitating (but regular!) diarrhea. Yogurt is also great if you’re dyslexic and looking for a suggestion about environmentally conscious alternatives to a normal houses.

I like my coffee like I like my women: accepting of my shortcomings yet willing to urge me towards improving myself. You know, a woman who embraces me for who I am but is still confident enough in her own judgement to point out when I’m selfishly and self-destructively fixated on my own perceived “flaws,” hell-bent on sending myself into a shame-spiral because self-flagellation over my past is easier than making better choices in the present. Oh, and black.

Guys, if a seagull flies over the sea, then what flies over a bay?

Well, actually, anything can fly over a bay as long as the airspace above the water isn’t controlled by the military. So the answer could be a plane or a dirigible or a petrel or the same damn seagull from before. Really, it’s not a good or sensical joke at all.

Scones are pretty good.

Topics: Bagels, Breakfast, Cereal, Coffee, Food, Oatmeal, Toast

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