Which horror movie villains would make the best NBA players? What, do you not ask yourself this question on a daily basis? Man, your life must be remarkably unfulfilling. I’d express more sympathy towards you, but I’m busy pondering which romantic comedy leads would make for the best boblsed team.
Anyway, here are the monstrous murderers who would comprise the best NBA squad. It’s kinda like Space Jam but with more machete kills (so, like, the NC-17 version of Space Jam Warner Bros. didn’t want you to see). If you have alternate suggestions, feel free to share them in the comments.
The team would, of course, be coached by South Carolina’s Frank Martin. Because Frank Martin scares the living daylights out of me.
While lacking the dexterity to make much of an impact on offense, Jason would be an unstoppable force on the defensive end. No opponent is going to drive recklessly into the paint knowing big ol’ J-Voor (nickname pending) is patrolling the area, ready to swat any meek layup attempt with the same ferocity with which he swats teenagers in sleeping bags against trees. Jason’s hatred of premarital sex is one of his calling cards, so unless your team is led by A.C. Green, don’t expect to score many restricted-area baskets.
Having Michael Myers and Jason at the 4 and the 5 would be the type of unholy (and admittedly overkill) alliance that only the most desperate of movie studios would imagine putting together. It’s not a frontcourt that would score a ton of points, but good luck snagging a rebound against that tandem. Myers never struck me as particularly athletic, but his relentless pursuit of Laurie Strode and Jamie Lloyd indicates he has a will to win that you know someone like [name reedited due to my preference of avoiding hate mail] is lacking. Also, whenever Myers scores, the arena manager could play the Halloween theme a.k.a. The Best Movie Song Ever, Screw You Jaws Theme.
I’m kinda picturing him as a shorter and less scary-looking Joakim Noah.
MILLARD FINDLEMEYER (THE GINGERDEAD MAN)
This is probably the only entry on the list where the actor who plays the character (Gary Busey, in this case) is actually scarier than the character itself. If you don’t think someone as short in stature as the Gingerdead Man could ball it up in the NBA, then you’re clearly in need if an injection of some Muggsy Bogues 1990’s nostalgia (quick, head to BuzzFeed ASAP! GIFs await!). Oh, and fun fact: there is actually a Gingerdead Man trilogy. I can’t attest to the quality of Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust or Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver — yes, those are actual titles of movies made by adults wealthier than you — but I can only imagine that they are examples of top-quality cinema worthy of preservation in the Library of Congress.
Finally, Jack Nicholson could serve a purpose at a basketball game besides merely being a prop that allows newbie camera operators to prove to their superiors that, yes, they know how to cut to different things. Also, “Heeeeeeere’s Johnny!” would be a great phrase for announcers to yell after every made three-pointer.