Nov 22, 2012; East Rutherford, NJ, USA; New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady (12) takes a bite of turkey drumstick after the game against the New York Jets on Thanksgiving at Metlife Stadium. The Patriots won the game 49-19. Mandatory Credit: Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

The best Thanksgiving foods, ranked

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you’re surrounded by family and friends, gorging yourself on ungodly amounts of food as you try your best to explain to your racist Uncle Steve that, no, re-instituting segregation is not a valid plan to “fix this damn country.” Remember, it doesn’t count as a holiday unless one family member is reduced to tears and/or vomits from alcohol poisoning!

In honor of this glorious day of gluttony, we here at FanSided have decided to bring you a ranking of the best Thanksgiving foods. We determined the order using a highly scientific system called “personal preference,” so the rankings are irrefutable. Just try and argue!

5. Mashed potatoes

If you believe you’re somehow above forming your mashed potatoes into a volcano, then you are a) wrong and b) clearly lacking a soul. Never abandon your childish sense of wonder! If you have decided you’re better than such an “immature” activity, Peter Pan is going to visit your house tonight and kick you square in the groin.

4. Turkey (light meat)

Hahahhahahha….no. Dark meat FTW.

3. Cranberry sauce

Look at the cranberry sauce sitting before you. Is it from a can? If so, leave your house right now. It’s likely you have been kidnapped and/or forced into some surreal doppelganger nightmare where hideous monsters disguised as your loved ones try to kill you with terrible cranberry sauce. Friends don’t let friends eat cranberry sauce from a can.

2. Pumpkin pie

Have you ever seen the sequel to A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving? You know, the movie where Charlie Brown captures the Great Pumpkin* and then butchers him behind Snoopy’s doghouse, turning the Great Pumpkin’s corpse into a delicious pie? I’d give it a solid 6.5/10.

*(Yes, I recognize that the Great Pumpkin is from the Charlie Brown Halloween movie. Trust me, I was as confused with its inclusion in A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving 2: The Flesh of the Gods as you are.)

1. Stuffing

I don’t give a crap about the semantic battle regarding stuffing vs. dressing. Does the label really matter? I mean, didn’t the great Christopher Marlowe William Shakespeare once write about how “a rose by any other name would OH MY GOD IS THAT MORE STUFFING?! I MUST CONSUME IT!”

Enjoy your holiday!

Tags: Thanksgiving Turkey

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