Judging a film months before it’s released is a pointless exercise for contrarian malcontents with (almost literally) nothing better to do with their lives. It’s a way to flaunt perceived intellectual superiority, to create the illusion of one’s cinematic preferences being akin to prescience, to use needless negativity as a crutch. Just as a book should not be judged by its cover — well, unless it’s a Necronomicon bound in human flesh, in which case it’s safe to assume the book is awesome — a movie shouldn’t be derided due to trailers, stills, and scant casting information.
All that said, here are the our five least anticipated movies of 2014, presented with their release dates in the likely event you disagree with our judgements.
5) Atlas Shrugged Part III (July 4)
I would list all the reasons why I anticipate this movie being little more than an awful and lengthy monologue that preaches unrealistic and dangerous social views, but that would mean you, the reader, would be leeching off my hard work, relying on the efforts and skills of others to pull you — ungrateful you — along through life. And we can’t have that.
4) Veronica Mars (March 14)
It’ll be like hip reaction GIFs brought the silver screen! Unfortunately, the fact a Veronica Mars movie will be released in 2014 means your smug nostalgia for the middling TV show could be compromised, and we all know how important it is to let others know how cool-despite-being-uncool your taste in TV made you back in high school. What a conundrum!
3) Transformers: Age of Extinction (June 27)
Okay, this is an unfair entry seeing as how challenging it will be for this movie to live up to the nonpareil excellence of the first three installments. Anything less than a cinematic masterpiece will be a major disappointment, so it’s better to temper your expectations and just assume, as crazy as it sounds, that Transformers: Age of Extinction will be a steaming pile of celluloid excrement.
2) Gone Girl (October 3)
Are you stoked to watch reprehensible and irredeemable characters bumble through a mediocre mystery plot that eschews nuance in favor of banal depravity? Wait, you are?! Then this movie should definitely be on your list of most anticipated movies.
1) RoboCop (February 12)
Because there’s no conceivable way to improve on the original RoboCop. Hollywood, why do you hate my childhood so much?