The ten best donuts, ranked


maplebar

Everybody — well, aside from the PTSD-suffering Homer Price — loves donuts. More than that, everybody loves debating about their donut preferences — the topic makes for great water-cruller talk at the office — frittering away hours with defending personal (no pun intended) tastes.

What the world needs, though, is an offical list of the ten best donuts. You know, to reduce acrimony and sprinkle-vs-antisprinkle stabbings and whatnot. So here, to quell all debates, is a list of the ten best flavors/styles of donuts as determined by science and Truth.

10) Jelly
Not to get all Robert Langdon here, but did you know “jelly-filled donut” is an anagram for “abomination spawned in the pits of hell”? Look it up.

9) Doughnuts
Stop spelling “donuts” this way, people. Listen, I’m all about, like, multiculturalism and stuff, but using the UK spelling doesn’t make you look cool or add any colour to your writing.

8) Doe-nuts
Physiological impossibility.

7) Anything purchased at Voodoo
According to Anthony Bourdain, obviously the most authentic vagabond to ever vagabond, Voodoo makes donuts that are “nonconformist.” Much like watching Game of Thrones or listening to Radiohead, enjoying Voodoo’s delicious products is rendered nearly impossible due to fans’ rabidity, smugness, and obnoxiousness. Are the donuts tasty? Duh. But does an “I got VD in Portland” bumper sticker make you look like a tool? Also duh.

6) Boston cream
“Boston” and “cream” go together far better as a donut type than they do as the only two bands on a sex playlist.

5) Holes
Donut holes work extremely well as Baoding balls when you’re stressing out about your unhealthy addiction to donuts.

4) Bear claws
Are bear claws technically donuts? If we are counting bear claws as donuts, doesn’t that create a slippery slope situation where almost any pastry can be considered a donut/a man can marry his dog?

These are valuable questions you may be asking. Unfortunately, I can’t hear you over the din of me chewing this bear claw.

3) J Dilla’s Donuts
Guyz, I was so totally down with J Dilla looong before Donuts was released. You can tell this to be true by my “J Dilla Changed My Life” shirt. Also, do you like Voodoo Doughnuts?

2) Old-fashioned
Old-fashioned donuts are the reason why the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it — just glaze the hell outta it” maxim is so enduring.

1) Maple bars
Some people classify maple bars as a subset of Long Johns. That’s crap. Long Johns without maple icing are just unsatisfactory and shameful maple bars, and they should be publicly derided for their deviation from normality.

Tags: Food