Feb 5, 2014; Sochi, RUSSIA; General view of the exterior of Fisht Olympic Stadium in Olympic Park prior to 2014 Sochi Winter Olympic Games. Mandatory Credit: Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

2014 Sochi Olympics: Opening Ceremony Bingo

If you plan on watching the opening ceremony of the 2014 Winter Olympics this evening, why not enhance your fun by simultaneously playing some FanSided Bingo? Sure, some of the excitement intrinsic to live events is slightly diminished by the fact the ceremony actually took place on Thursday, Feb. 15, 2015, but just because time zones are tricky doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the spectacle.

As with the Super Bowl, our Bingo cards require a bit of labor on your part. A reminder:

Just position the bold-font topics how the letters B-I-N-G-O are normally arranged on a classic Bingo card, and then put the five corresponding entries below their respective topics. Hell, you can even mess around with the order of the entries if you so wish! Who else can offer that level of customization, huh?

(And, as before, there is no “free space” in the middle of our card. What, were you expecting a reward for no effort? What do you think this is, communist Russia?)

Music

“Bugler’s Dream” (better known as “that song NBC always uses for its Olympic coverage”) is played

“All the Things She Said” by t.a.T.u. is played

“Not Gonna Get Us” by t.a.T.u. is played

“Olympic Rap” by 4-Play is played

“Who Let the Dogs Out?” is played

USA! USA! USA!

Team USA walks out and you cry to the tune of the national anthem

Team USA walks out and you don’t cry to the tune of the national anthem (because you’re sick and tired of how “soft” your country has become. Seriously, why can’t we play dodgeball in schools and bully fat kids anymore? There is no way this generation is tough enough to fight the Nazis)

Team USA walks out and, as a dyslexic and matricidal cannibal, you’re reminded you have to go sauté Ma before eating her

Team USA walks out but instead of Ol’ Glory they’re waving a flag that says “Investigate 9/11″

Team USA walks into a bar. The bartender asks what everyone will be drinking, and the team captain responds, “Oh, we’re not here to drink. We’re here to devalue your currency, overrule your environmental standards, and marginalize your cultural traditions, all in the name of free-market globalization.”

Vocabulary

The word “tradition” is said

The word “honor” is said

The word “worldwide” is said

The word “delegation” is said

The word phrase “no, really, who the hell thought it would be a wise to award these Olympics to Russia?” is said right before a KGB sniper fires the kill-shot.

Controversies

The plight of the journalists in Sochi is mentioned

Seriously, won’t somebody please think of the poor journalists?

I mean, could you imagine how horrible it must be to not have light bulbs or a fluffy pillow?

Of course, politics and social concerns should normally be kept away from the Olympics, but making first-world journalists slightly uncomfortable just can’t be ignored

Good thing there are no other oppressed and mistreated groups in Sochi besides journalists. That would just be too many injustices to bear

Miscellaneous

The athletes from India walk out under the IOC flag

An athlete (from any country) trips and falls

Lenin rises from his tomb, runs out into the middle of the arena, calls luge competitors “luge-ers” while doing the “L” sign on his forehead, and then giggles madly as police restrain him

The Olympic torch is extinguished by security for being “flaming” and thus promoting an unacceptable lifestyle

You realize how much cooler the Summer Olympics are

Tags: Bingo Controversy IOC Music T.a.T.u.

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