As you know, arguably the best agent that ISIS has ever had has been sitting on the sidelines for a while. Until Lana Kane has her baby, she is unable to do half of what she is used to. The time is almost here, which can only mean one thing…it’s time for a baby shower! In this week’s episode, we will watch as Archer sets out to give Lana the most epic baby shower present ever; a private performance by Kenny Loggins! Unfortunately, as are most things when it comes to Archer, things are not as easy as they seem.
Cherlene is finally getting started recording songs for her album. Unfortunately for people like Lana, who are actually trying to sleep, Cherlene demands on recording during the “golden hour.” Let’s forget that this has nothing to do with recording music. In any case, Lana comes barreling downstairs and not-so-subtly tells them all to be quite.
Of course, Malory doesn’t want anything getting in between her and her moneymaker, so she pretty much takes Cherlene’s side in the matter. I guess Cherlene’s outlaw country wins the battle for now. Unfortunately, things are not so lucky for the jug that Archer seems to love so much. Jug down!
Now, we come to find out that Dr. Krieger has been selling the cocaine online. How he hahands s done that is a little bit of a mystery, but hey…it seems to be working. Well, except for the fact that the only person he has to help him ship it is a hologram that can’t exactly touch things. Malory tells Krieger that she will send him up some help.
Meanwhile, downstairs everyone is trying to have what is supposed to be breakfast; however, according to Archer it tastes a little more like callouses. A reasonably grumpy Lana walks in the room, completely ignores everyone, takes the box of cereal sitting on the counter, and slams the door behind her as she exits the room.
Of course, the first question on everyone’s mind is why Lana has been so grumpy lately. Ray points out that in addition to dealing with everyone else’s crap, he asks if anyone has even thought of throwing Lana a baby shower. When Cyril tries to make a comment about how it should actually be called a “bastard shower,” Archer cuts him off and tells him that Lana is so far out of his league that him impregnating Lana would have basically been inter-species breeding. Ouch!
Malory is a little shocked that they haven’t planned a baby shower yet, so she tells everyone to get going.
After everyone except for Archer, Pam, and Woodhouse has left the room, Archer hands Woodhouse $400 and tells him to get everything necessary for a baby shower. He also tells him that if he blows all of that on heroin, he had better buy enough to overdose on. Before Archer could tell him the consequence, Woodhouse speeds off saying “Will do.” Yeah, we know where this is heading.
Now, Archer tells Pam about his master plan to get Kenny Loggins to perform for Lana. When they finally head out on their mission, Pam asks Archer if this is more about him than it is about Lana. He tells her that Lana loves Kenny Loggins, or at least he thinks she does.
When they get inside, he tells her to follow his lead as he lays out the plan. Pam then points out that Archer’s plan is highly unnecessary as Loggins is right in the middle of the lobby.
Archer and Pam approach Loggins, who is accompanied by a huge security guard. Archer waits to speak with Loggins while he is on the phone with someone, but Loggins acts like they don’t even matter.
Without even acknowledging Archer, he autographs his ridiculously expensive tailored suit. When Archer tries to encroach on him, he turns to his security guard and says “Bad touch.” Out of nowhere, he security guard zaps Archer with a Taser, sending him to the ground.
Archer tells Pam that he is going to be really upset if he has to kill Kenny Loggins. Unlike Archer, Pam is kind of indifferent to the idea.
Back at the mansion, Lana approaches Malory and brings up the fact that they haven’t been paid in months, and that she has some pretty big expenses coming up with the baby and all. She tells Malory that she hates to do this, but she asks Malory for a loan. Malory tells her to sign up for WIC. Malory tells her that they give her a birth cheese. What in the world is a “birth cheese?”
Malory walks into the next room and quickly closes the door behind her. When she looks around, she sees all kinds of baby shower decorations. Woodhouse tells her that he only had $200. Somehow I knew that was going to happen.
Back at the hotel, Archer and Pam are getting ready to go undercover to get to Kenny Loggins. Archer is in the process of paying off a member of housekeeping for their disguises and for Kenny Loggins’ room number. The woman quickly stuffs the money in her bra and walks away.
Here is where the real questions comes in. Pam mentions to Archer that none of them have been paid in months, and she asks him where all of the money came from. Archer tells her that he sold some artwork.
We take a quick flashback to the house where Cheryl is making her way up the stairs and finds a painting missing off of the wall. Immediately, she yells at the paintings and says “What did I tell you about staying on the wall, ghosts?” There are times you just nod your head and back away slowly. This is one of those times.
When Archer and Pam finally make their way to the room, things definitely do not go according to plan. Archer tells Pam to follow his lead, which lasts all of about two seconds. When they knock on the door, and Pam tells them that she is a prostitute, Loggins’ rather large security guard comes barreling through the door and slams Pam into the wall.
While Pam occupies the security guard, Archer makes his way into the room. Loggins is on the phone with his publicist. He tells his publicist that he doesn’t want to read about Kenny Loggins, he wants to read about K-Log. K-Log…really?
Unfortunately, it isn’t long before K-Log sees right through Archer’s disguise. He seems to think that Archer was sent by some guy named Borgnar. All of a sudden, K-Log is in battle mode. Just before Archer and K-Log can get into it, the security guard comes busting into the room with Pam in a bit of a headlock.
Before they even know what is going on, a fight breaks out. In a rather curious turn of events, Pam begins to beat the crap out of the security guard. With that under control, Archer attempts to make his way out of the room and out onto the balcony. Before he can even get out of the room, K-Log begins shooting at him.
I think it is finally clicking in his head that he may actually have to beat up one of his idols.
Loggins mentions Borgnar once again. Archer really wants to know who the heck Borgnar is. K-Log still doesn’t believe that Archer has no idea who Borgnar is. Furthermore, I think the more important questions is, what in the name of all that is good is in K-Log’s briefcase?
When Archer finally makes it out to the patio, he sees this huge glass swimming pool. I think everyone who say this had the exact same thought that Archer had. What kind of colossal idiot decided it was a good idea to put a huge glass pool filled with water how many stories in the air?
We get another quick flashback to Cheryl. She is overseeing the building as it is being built. She tells the builders that she wants to go on record as saying that this was the absolute worst idea that she has ever heard; however, they are the men after all.
Once again, Loggins decides the threaten Archer. Unfortunately, Archer is well aware that Loggins is out of bullets. It’s just a thing he does. Archer asks him once again what is in the suitcase. Despite everything that has transpired, Loggins still doesn’t believe that Archer wasn’t sent by the mysterious Borgnar.
Before the Archer and Kenny Loggins can really get into it, the fight between Pam and the Security Guard comes barreling out onto the patio. In all the chaos, Loggins is knocked into the pool.
In one of the less bright ideas that Pam has ever had, she takes a shot at the security guard. Of course, she misses and hits the glass pool instead. Before any of them could really react, the glass was shattering and Loggins was being rushed off the balcony by the water.
Like he has had to do many times before for others, Archer jumped off the building and snatched K-Log before he fell to his certain death. It is in this moment that K-Log finally realized what a colossal idiot he had been. Archer tells him for the last time that he wasn’t sent by any Borgnar, and that he indeed has absolutely no idea what is in his glowing briefcase; although he did believe it may in fact be a human soul.
As it turns out, he isn’t even really sorry for all the trouble he caused; however, he is slightly embarrassed.
As repayment for all the crap he put them through, he agrees to perform at Lana’s baby shower. For some reason, Cherlene feels the need to try to school Loggins on music. I am pretty sure that he doesn’t need her help.
Just as Kenny Loggins and Cherlene begin a pretty amazing countrified version of Loggins’ smash hit “Danger Zone,” Lana comes walking into the room. She absolutely loves the baby shower.
Pam comes up to Lana to give her a present. Of course, it is nothing but more cocaine. As if Lana needs that right now. Lana asks her what the heck happened to her. Pam points to the huge security guard, who apparently accompanied Pam to the shower. He comes in bearing gifts as well; a car seat. Unfortunately, it is the exact same car seat that Ray bought her. Ray storms off in a fit. He screams that this whole party was his idea.
When Cyril comes up to her, he gives her a check for a whopping $80. After all of the crap talking he has done over the course of the time since they left ISIS, he begs her to take him back. Yeah…that’s not going to happen.
Unlike everyone else, Malory seems to be rolling in the dough. She has bought Lana quite a few extravagant gifts. She tells her that it is no big deal, as Krieger’s cocaine business was booming. It was at that exact moment that Woodhouse comes into the room pushing a cart full of the cocaine that Krieger had shipped out. As it turns out, the entire thing was a scam. Malory proceeds to chase Krieger.
Lana once again expresses how much she loves the baby shower. Now, she is approached by Archer. He looks equally as beat up as Pam did. Lana asks him what happened to him. He tells her it was her present. Of course, the next logical question is “Where is it?” Archer is pretty offended.
Before he can tell her that Kenny Loggins is her present, Woodhouse comes in the room pushing Archer’s baby crib. Lana starts to cry, as she absolutely loves it. It is at this point that Archer goes along with it as if the entire thing was his idea. She tells him that it is the sweetest thing that anyone has ever given her.
He then tells her that her big present was the song. Unfortunately, it isn’t much of a present if you have to explain it, of which he had to explain everything to her. When he tells her that the man singing is Kenny Loggins she seems shocked. She confuses him with Kenny Rogers when she mentioned Roasters. This is another one of those moments when you just want to shake your head and walk away slowly.
Next week, Archer is headed on a super-secret mission to Colombia. Unfortunately, it becomes much less a secret after Archer has a few drinks in him. This is definitely going to be an interesting ride.
What did you think of this episode of Archer? Let us know what you think in the comments below.