5 unrealistic dreams for the 2015 NBA Finals

According to my personal oneirologist, I’m supposed to work on having more unrealistic dreams. As it turns out, having my nights be plagued by dreams — more montages of all my personal failures than anything — that are indistinguishable from my pathetic waking reality is an “unhealthy” state of affairs. Go figure. And here I was fancying myself as some sort of being-miserable-while-both-conscious-and-not superstar, like a multi-tasker with the world’s most depressing skill set.

I’m not one to flout medical advice, especially not advice that I pay ungodly sums to receive, so here are the five unrealistic dreams I have for the upcoming NBA Finals between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Golden State Warriors. If a single one of these dreams comes true, I will be overjoyed. (Of course, the cruel paradox is that if a single one of these dreams indeed comes true, then I am still trapped in a loop where my dreams and my waking reality are indistinguishable, thus defeating the whole purpose of this “dream unrealistic” exercise in the first place. But that’s for me and my dream doctor to fret over, not you.)

So cue Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams” — better yet, cue the techno remix — and let’s begin this thrill-ride exploration of the outer limits of my desires, hopes, and wishes. If any of these dreams prove prophetic, please make all checks payable to Mr. My Freaking Dreams Can Influence Reality And Thus I Am Pretty Much A Demigod, You Puny Humans, LLC.

Next: 5. Riley Curry goes heel