An official investigation into the NBA’s most notorious undershirt-wearers

Recently at a job interview, I was asked to sell a product unrelated to the company (Starbucks) that I was interviewing with to the group of people sitting, staring at me. That meant no food, no beverage, no over-priced anything, probably. I chose the NBA, because of course.

I was taken back by the question, so I sort of wobbled through most of the initial reasoning — I talked about how it was probably the least popular of the three major American sports, despite recent growth, which gave its fans a cult-like sensibility. I talked about how it’s basically soccer, but more intricate and beautiful. The straight faces in front of me looked unimpressed, so I knew I was running out of time.

Then, out of nowhere, I realized: The players. The crazy, crazy players. A league that can put itself in a crockpot, and find both this and this under the lid. I told my interviewers about how the NBA is remarkable because you can turn on a game and see greatness each night, then click on Twitter the next morning and giggle the rest of your day away.

Read More: What’s next for the Atlanta Hawks?

The main guy right in the middle, who seemed most likely to give me the job and so also the guy whom I was most keyed-in on, responded by saying how silly he had always considered it that some players wore shirts under their jerseys. This was a guy who plays french horn semi-professionally, so take that observation how you will.

But because he ended up giving me that job, he deserves this: An Official Investigation of the NBA’s Most Prominent Undershirt-Wearers.

Anthony Davis

Reported purpose of the undershirt: Stabilization of muscles and movements following work with New Orleans Pelicans head trainer Duane Brooks, along with a pad for the AC joint.

Actual, secret purpose of the undershirt: To hide Davis’ crocodile snout-like arms as they come to chomp down on what you originally believed to be a shot attempt.

DeMarcus Cousins

Reported purpose of the undershirt: For several seasons, Cousins used a compression shirt as part of rehabilitation from a shoulder injury

Actual, secret purpose of the undershirt: While that poser Dwight Howard claims that he is the NBA’s Superman, Cousins is actually the league’s only Kryptonian. As such, he requires lead draperies to protect him from detection by opposing teams’ in-arena technology.

Also, Cousins’ biceps have (probably) been banned by league officials for distracting from on-court action.

Kristaps Porzingis

Reported purpose of the undershirt: Apparently, he is another big man for whom the compression shirt helped recovery from a shoulder injury. However, New York Knicks broadcasters also cite his poor posture early in his career as further reason for the tight shirt.

Actual, secret purpose of the undershirt: To double down on the disguise he plays in during games — a NERD. Porzingis, who for sure has the ability to rip out each of our souls with his bare hands, looks like the kind of kid who would walk into a bar and try to hustle fools at the pool table. The shirt just helps that clumsy, “aw, shucks!” appearance.

He mostly started wearing the shirt this season, because I think he knows that we know that the charade is over, despite what his continually “who, me?” haircut and lankiness might have you think. Don’t fall for this.

Michael Kidd-Gilchrist

Reported purpose of the undershirt: Support for his upper body following a labrum tear, apparently. I’m unconvinced; MKG wore a shirt in college, but that injury didn’t occur until he was in the NBA. This one’s gonna need some digging.

Actual, secret purpose of the undershirt: I firmly believe this one: Kidd-Gilchrist, sick and tired of hearing about how his jump shot needed fixing, legitimately invested in the nano-technology to project animation onto articles of clothing. With it, he broadcast a pristine, technically-sound jumper onto his arms in real time to get the coaches off his back.

The plan nearly failed when game time came around, but now he’s all in on the hoax, and probably several thousand dollars in debt to an animator in North Carolina.

Taj Gibson

Reported purpose of the undershirt: Heretofore unknown.

Actual, secret purpose of the undershirt: Basically, a defense mechanism against his body literally falling apart as it succumbs to the physical toll of playing under Tom Thibodeau. He started wearing the jersey (from intense Google Image research) around 2014, Thibodeau’s last season in Chicago, after also doing so as a student at USC.

It’s the only logical assumption that the man was worried about his body holding up for several more years after playing six million (approximate) minutes under Thibs.

Carmelo Anthony

Reported purpose of the undershirt: A shoulder injury that requires “constant, around-the-clock treatment.”

Actual, secret purpose of the undershirt: There are EIGHT INCHES of snow falling in New York City this week. If you worked in NYC, you’d be bundling the hell up as well. Sometimes, it’s just comfort before fashion, instead of the other way around. #LetMeloBeWarm

Dwight Howard

Reported purpose of the undershirt: To “create” muscle memory, with AlignMed technology.

Actual, secret purpose of the undershirt: Just trying to one-up Boogie. Honest.

Next: New year, same NBA shenanigans

Chris Paul

Reported purpose of the undershirt: We have no idea.

Actual, secret purpose of the undershirt: Reinforcing the idea that none of us should question anything Chris Paul is doing while simultaneously giving us one more reason to question him.

Someone dumb: “Hey, Mr. Paul! Huge fan. HUGE.”

Chris Paul: “Yeah..hey!”

Someone dumb: “That banker in Game 7 against the Spurs is framed on my wall, man. Just one question, while I have you.”

CP3: “Alright, sure.”

Someone dumb: “What’s up with the shirt every once in awhile?”

CP3: “…”

Someone dumb: “…”

CP3: “For real?”

Someone dumb: *something like this*