Fansided

NBA Tank Rankings: It begins

By Matt Rutkowski

May 17, 2016; New York, NY, USA; Orlando Magic general manager Rob Hennigan represents his team during the NBA draft lottery at New York Hilton Midtown. The Philadelphia 76ers received the first overall pick in the 2016 draft. Mandatory Credit: Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports
May 17, 2016; New York, NY, USA; Orlando Magic general manager Rob Hennigan represents his team during the NBA draft lottery at New York Hilton Midtown. The Philadelphia 76ers received the first overall pick in the 2016 draft. Mandatory Credit: Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports /
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Consolation is a pretty bad consolation prize. The draft lottery, though. That can do you some good.

Bad things happen. They happen to good people and bad people alike. It’s inevitable, so seeing your favorite team’s name on this list is by no means a reflection of your character. It’s simply an observation from a non-dispassionate observer declaring whether or not a basketball team is losing games real nice. You’re fine. You shouldn’t be insulted. We’re best friends, after all.

The NBA lottery is fashioned so that good things happen to bad teams. Whether that’s wrong or not is a debate for another day. Personally, I don’t care. The more weird rules in arbitrary places, the happier I am. The best observation I’ve ever agreed with was that the closer that the NBA comes to Calvinball, the better. This is a Calvinball rule. If you lose lots, you win.

That’s the focus here. Consider coming in first here as a victory. I’m cheering for these teams. I’m rooting for discord and defeat for their benefit. Not in a callous way, but in the way that it’s better to go through problems rather than around them. Dialectal Behavior Therapy teaches that, and it’s a mindset that has served me well.

I am not a licensed therapist. I’m not even a licensed writer. To prove this point, let’s move on to spot number five.

Nov 20, 2016; Los Angeles, CA, USA; Los Angeles Lakers President Jeanie Buss talks with television host Jimmy Kimmel before the game against the Chicago Bulls at Staples Center. Bulls won 118-110. Mandatory Credit: Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports
Nov 20, 2016; Los Angeles, CA, USA; Los Angeles Lakers President Jeanie Buss talks with television host Jimmy Kimmel before the game against the Chicago Bulls at Staples Center. Bulls won 118-110. Mandatory Credit: Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports /

5. Los Angeles Lakers

Things were good for a while. Hope was high. Nick Young looked young again. A team of ragtag underdogs (see: lottery picks) were bringing fun and function back to the Byron Scott crater.

Well, that’s over now. Good job. Good effort. The Lakers currently sit at No. 3 in the “tumbling down the mountain in a duffel bag” race.

This is where they need to be. A pick at No. 3 or higher not only means that the Lakers retain their first round pick for this year, but they would also retain a first round pick in 2019 that would otherwise get sent to the Magic. They should be double tanking.

Unfortunately, “should” is a word that shouldn’t be used that much. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tells us that. It’s negative reinforcement, and, generally, negative reinforcement is balls. It’s bad and leads to complicated feelings and misappropriated desire.

That fits with the Lakers. Their motivations are about as clear as a Goldeneye 007 paintball portrait of Magic Johnson’s winning smile. The legacy of Jerry Buss needs to contend now to to look like less of a dork for saying that they would in the first place. Maybe his broken will carries on past him. The team needs to lose to hold on to multiple picks. Luke Walton needs wins to instill an improved culture. Jeannie Buss needs to lose so she can bring in her platonic buddy Phil Jackson to fix everything like he has in New York. Magic Johnson likes winning. Los Angeles as a whole likes winning. Players like winning.

You can’t always get what you want, especially when it’s fundamentally at odds with long term benefit. The Lakers need to be on this list, but at least 45 percent of them don’t want to be. No. 5 seems appropriate for now.

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