How to talk about college basketball when you don’t know anything about college basketball
Are you like me? Do you love the NBA, but not the NCAA? Do you actively avoid college sports, and knowing things about them? Do you occasionally watch the national championship game, but otherwise do your best not to hear or know about even one college sporting event? At least until around the NBA draft?
If you are like me, March is a hard month for you. Everyone’s talking about their match madnesses and their tax brackets, their gut-busters and what have you. And what are you supposed to do about it? Sure, you could spend the month avoiding human contact. Some months, that sounds pretty nice! But sometimes you can’t avoid it. Sometimes you just want to hide your shame. What are you supposed to do then?
Well, friends, I’m happy to say I have your back. Earlier this month, I sent my crack team of researchers into the field to find out some really choice topics of conversation that will make you — yes, even you — look like a college sports expert. And I’m here to share those with you, free of charge, so that you can feel safe and comfortable in your own work place. I present to you: eight things to say to fit in with your college basketball loving friends. Get ready to sound like a freaking genius.
1) Duke or UNC will probably win, but I’m not real happy about it: This one is perfect, and eternal. Duke or UNC often win, or are favored to win! And, people have strong opinions about each one! This one’s a slam dunk. Say it, and wait for the conversation to flow like delicious cheap champagne.
2) Boy, that Lonzo Ball’s father, huh?: Lonzo Ball, Google tells me, plays for UCLA. He has, in my opinion ,a horrible looking jump shot, but a lot of people think he’s going to be really good. I don’t know anything about that and I don’t care anything about that until he’s an NBA player. But I do know his dad is crazy and that people have takes about it. Say this one very seriously, and stand back.
3) Doesn’t it feel like Kentucky always chokes: I don’t watch any college basketball now but I USED to watch more like “not much.” And one thing I can tell you is that it always felt like Kentucky would get a high seed and then lose really quickly. I have no idea if this is still true, but it WAS true and as everyone knows being a sports fan is primarily an exercise in nostalgia. Use with caution.
4) You know what I like about college? Those guys play DEFENSE: One thing that hardcore college basketball fans like to believe is that college sports are better than professional sports. This is a crazy thing to think, but what can you do. And apparently, for a lot of these people, the idea is that these guys somehow show more effort in their rinky-dink contests against subpar competition than your average NBA guy does trying not to get pile-drived by Russell Westbrook. So, look, I know what you’re going to say, but just trust me: College players play defense. NBA players are lazy. Take this one to the HOUSE.
5) Markelle Fultz is really something: I have to be honest that I don’t know anything about Markelle Fultz. Or, I should say, I don’t know anything other than that he’s really something. Which he is. No doubt. Very good at what he does. I’m sure of it. I’m almost sure. Say this and watch everyone accept you as one of their own. As one of their own.
6) Grayson Allen, tripping people again: This one’s only for when things get really desperate. Grayson Allen, who plays for Duke, is basically the NCAA’s version of Draymond Green. The guy can’t stop tripping people any more than Dray can stop kicking people in the nuts. My researchers were unable to determine whether it was like a superstition he had, or what, but he trips people, and that will kill like three or four minutes, guaranteed.
7) More like March Sadness, am I right?: Listen, if you fill out a bracket, something bad is going to happen to it. If the tournament was totally predictable, nobody would watch it. If unexpected things didn’t happen, it wouldn’t be sports. As I understand it, when a No. 14 seed beats a No. 3 seed that you had going to the Elite Eight, it tends to make you sad. Given that, since the tournament is called March Madness, this clever little wordplay will show you off as the sexy raconteur we all know you are.
Next: An NBA fan's guide to watching the NCAA Tournament
8) That Perry Ellis sure looks old, haha: (Wait, Perry Ellis finally graduated?) (Oh no). (Maybe like, remember Perry Ellis? And how old he looked?) (Oh nooooo.)
Good luck everybody! Get on out there. And remember, don’t be a hero.