Swimming in the surreal mystery of @Knicks_PR

In the same way that the New York Knicks don’t seem interested in finding a way to conduct their business like a normal basketball team, the Knicks’ Public Relations Twitter account has never behaved normally. Most NBA teams have a PR account that sends out fantastically obscure fun facts to a few thousand of their most ardent fans. Several teams even lock up their PR accounts to the public and only let a few dozen members of the media inside. Showcasing the same diehard masochism that fills up Madison Square Garden every night, over 32,000 Knicks fans have followed @Knicks_PR — even though @Knicks_PR exists in a dreamscape of non sequiturs that resembles, more than anything, the iconic spambot impression @Horse_ebooks.

I came to know @Knicks_PR as many people did: at its lowest point on the season. That is, following the most thrilling story of this NBA season — the Charles Oakley kerfuffle at MSG — @Knicks_PR dumped gasoline on that fire with this shameless dig at the Oakman:

Knicks fans followed this up with a phenomenal dig at the team itself:

Other Knicks fans — including Twitter-verified journalist and professor Amy Vernon — responded in an equally understandable way: by simply not believing that @Knicks_PR was a legitimate part of the team:

I understand where Vernon is coming from. Hell, she may even be right. But I think, in the end, it is more horrifying if @Knicks_PR is an elaborate spoof: if that’s the case, then the Knicks have been allowing a mole to stroll around the off-limits innards of the franchise all season.

Well, actually, maybe that’s not as bad as what @Knicks_PR is actually doing.

There are fleeting, exception-proves-the-rule moments when @Knicks_PR uses its professional resources and supreme access to actually deliver interesting, sane content. Like this:

This is a great picture of Patrick Ewing — not just photography-wise, but also to remind us that this singular, Hall of Fame talent has been silently doing the thankless, non-lucrative yeoman’s work of assistant coaching now for literally as long as his playing career lasted (17 seasons).

There’s also what I consider to be the single best tweet from @Knicks_PR:

Alright, so technically it was a retweet by @Knicks_PR, calling up the D-League content up to the big leagues. But I consider this a genuinely fascinating moment, a glimpse into the thankless work that goes into building a potentially thankless NBA career. Justin Holiday is both a journeyman and championship-experienced: despite his preposterously skinny limbs, he’s ground his way into the NBA via the brute force of hard defensive work. Nobody dreams of playing in the D-League showcase, and also nobody dreams of being in that meeting room and listening to Justin Holiday — and yet that meeting is exactly the next, necessary step towards realizing those big, bright dreams. (And: somebody please free Justin Holiday.)

That’s the majority of the non-puzzling content that @Knicks_PR has put out this year. This account is not haphazardly maintained: all season, @Knicks_PR has diligently photographed the same five specific moments of daily NBA life, always on-time and on-hand. Honestly, it looks like a lot of work to keep this account up. But the photographs themselves are so cavalierly fired off — plus usually from a bizarre corner of the room, or from behind a crowd — with the lasting effect being that life in the NBA in a brutally monotonous Groundhog Day.

Moment #1 is probably the most interesting: the coaching staff gathered in an anonymous hotel conference room in front of a big screen, grinding through tape:

The incredible same-ness of this scene — from October through March, across all regions of this vast nation — becomes haunting.

Moment #2 is extremely un-interesting: the daily media scrum in front of coach Jeff Hornacek. Not only does this look extremely unpleasant for Hornacek, but it also looks extremely unpleasant for the assembled media, who are usually staring at Hornacek or at space with eye-baggy boredom. Nobody looks good here:

Well, nobody looks good except for Carmelo Anthony, who has eluded detection as he slides into the back of the photo with a small, bemused smile at the mob of wretched scribes.

Moment #3 faithfully captures one of the least interesting moments of an NBA game: the opening jump ball. @Knicks_PR faithfully captures the opening toss in mid-air, from courtside, at every. Single. Game. It looks like this:

While the faithfulness in capturing this split-second moment is impressive, I really don’t know who this tweet is for. Is it for people who forgot that the Knicks were playing that night? And if it is, why not tweet out the match-up plus starting lineups earlier in the evening? Anyway, every jump ball looks exactly the same. But you already knew that.

Moment #4 is that halftime and/or post-game minute when players are forced to conduct an interview before walking off the court — a supposed innovation that I would love to see banished across all sports. While there are some funny screwball moments when players absolutely dwarf the poor high-heeled reporter asking if this was a team win tonight, the players are having about as much fun as we all do at the dentist’s, with facial expressions to match. Here is Carmelo listening to a lecture about the benefits of flossing:

Moment #5 is the post-game breakdown in the locker room, all hands in the center before the team disperses for the night. Theoretically an inspiring moment of team unity, it would be understandably difficult to actually be inspired, as a Knick, doing this exact same thing night after night, including after so many blowouts. This one inspired me, though, thanks to shirtless Sasha Vujacic basically in the middle of rolling his eyes. Plus, Willy Hernangomez not wearing any pants:

This one also inspired me, with (since-released) Brandon Jennings greeting some poor fella with a neck grab:

These five daily moments are enough to make @Knicks_PR the most singularly bananas account in the NBA — but we still have not dipped into what makes @Knicks_PR truly bizarre. In the hours between Hornacek’s media availability and the start of the game, @Knicks_PR goes freelancing. Wandering the bowels of Madison Square Garden, @Knicks_PR is liable to turn up an astoundingly obscure piece of basketball-history minutiae, which is then immediately disseminated to the 32k followers. Like:

True @Knicks_PR-heads know that TDIKH stands for Today’s Date In Knicks History. Despite the four-picture array, though, it’s still impossible to figure out what actually happened. I can’t fathom the circumstances in which a basketball player appeared to be gifted a number of household appliances, on a basketball court, in front of a paying basketball audience. A typewriter was involved? At least we can all agree: a great moment in Knicks history.

In response to the Knicks’ four-overtime loss to the Atlanta Hawks this January, @Knicks_PR made lemonade out of lemons, spying an opportunity to plug the team’s media guide:

I’m sure that it is always good to catch up with Leo Rautins. However, did @Knicks_PR mistakenly catch up with an old photograph of Leo Rautins?:

@Knicks_PR will also show off the bounty of swag that is at the disposal of the NBA’s most valuable franchise. Namely, pins and patches:

Oh, and shorts:

Let us conclude with the tweet from @Knicks_PR that gave me a genuine, in-public LOL:

Dozens of NBA beat writers have presented starting lineups on a daily basis on Twitter for like a decade now, and never has the process ended in such a glorious result. It is not enough that @Knicks_PR takes a picture instead of a screenshot. That question mark at the end of “Starters?” throws the relatively simple information-sharing process into a realm of chaos and disorder.

Next: Dion Waiters has 'Philly cheese swag' because of course

Perhaps @Knicks_PR is proposing its own starting lineup, and hoping it makes its way back up the grapevine to the coach? Or maybe @Knicks_PR is voicing its disapproval with Hornacek’s decision-making? All we’ll ever know for sure is: the Knicks lost that night when Derrick Rose and Carmelo both missed potential game-winning lay-ups.