Your utterly official BIG3 draft grades

Last night, Ice Cube’s BIG3 professional 3-on-3 basketball league conducted its inaugural draft. The draft followed a snake format, meaning that the team with the first pick, Trilogy, didn’t pick again until slot No. 16, after everyone else had already picked twice. Like a typical fantasy draft, each competitor came in with their own strategy.

Constructed carefully to employ both NBA players and international professionals, the BIG3 is taking a 10-week tour of the country this summer, beginning and ending in New York City. But now, with the teams set, we can start to take stock of who might be crowned champion in August.

Trilogy

Grade: B

Trilogy opted to stay on the veteran side, as captains Kenyon Martin and Al Harrington, along with coach Rick Mahorn, clearly value experience. Fortunately for them, age didn’t cancel out athleticism or skill.

With the first overall pick, the team selected Rashad McCants, who played five years in the NBA and was also a McDonald’s All-American as a high school player. They then went for dunk enthusiast James “Flight” White at pick 16, who is the most entertaining player in the whole tournament. Finally, Dion Glover closed out their draft as a 38-year old former NBA player who is sort of a shooter and also maybe can play some defense.

Overall, Trilogy opted to fill out the backcourt with Martin and Harrington playing down low. This team’s strength will come from its captains. Martin was a rotation piece for the Clippers only three seasons ago (and probably still could have been against the Jazz this year). Harrington could shoot 3-pointers off the screen until the day he dies.

Fortunately for Trilogy, they didn’t really have to nail the draft.

3’s Company

Grade: C+

3’s Company is betting big on guys whose careers resemble much the same picture. Fringe NBA players, or as baseball fans might call them, “quad-A” guys, make up four-fifths of 3’s Company’s rotation.

Armed with Allen Iverson as their captain, the team added length and size to complement their scoring guard — the only way he’s ever been successful. Since Iverson is coaching the team, it’s no surprise that he gathered up a bunch of warriors that he can deploy against his opponents.

Mike Sweetney, the team’s second pick, is a player notorious in NBA circles for how he busted as a Chicago Bull. Ruben Patterson was double-digit scorer for almost a decade in the NBA, but he is 43-years old at this point and will be on some tired legs. Co-captain DerMarr Johnson is a bit younger at 36, but also failed to catch on in the NBA.

3’s Company redeemed themselves a bit with their pick at number two overall, Andre Owens. Owens played professionally in Europe as recently as 2015, and will likely be Iverson’s right-hand man in this tournament. He’s a bit of a gamble with so much youth and talent on the board at number two, but he also has as much professional experience as anyone, across several leagues. Don’t underestimate the versatility and savvy with which 3’s Company will shock people.

Killer 3s

Grade: A+

With all due respect to Ice Cube, I’m not sure it was the best idea to let Chauncey Billups and Charles Oakley hose the rest of the competition so spectacularly before games have even been played. I mean: co-captain Stephen Jackson, with three consistent and productive NBA vets filling out the rotation? And a vengeful Oakley getting two weeks in New York to take back his city one exhibition game at a time? Yeah, let’s cancel this whole thing right now.

Billups clearly thought: “I don’t really need anyone besides Jackson anyway, so I’m gonna just fill out this team in the most unfair way possible.” He nabbed Reggie Evans and Brian Cook to wage war down low, then asked Larry Hughes if he had anything to do this summer besides stand in the corner and make a three-man team unguardable. Hughes said no, it seems.

Now, the Killer 3s are going to win this tournament, as soon as Billups finishes up an excellent playoff run as an analyst for ESPN. Chauncey Billups stays winning.

Tri-State

Grade: B

These guys get a solid boost from having the league’s best name, Lee Nailon. Playing against a person named “Nailon” in a sport where the goal is getting a ball into a small hole from various difficult angles must be so defeating. Most players spend a lifetime developing the credibility and confidence that Nailon was born with. You can’t question a guy whose name describes success in his own profession.

Besides Mr. Nailon, Tri-State is decently stacked. Their two captains, Jermaine O’Neal and Bonzi Wells, are not far removed from successful playing careers. Their first-round pick is a D-League star with NBA experience. Unfortunately, their final pick is the guy who was a distant second behind LeBron James as a shooting guard prospect in 2003. Mike Jones the basketball player maybe shouldn’t be here, especially because everyone (Ice Cube included) would probably rather have Mike Jones the rapper.

3-Headed Monsters

Grade: B-

If 3-Headed Monsters has success in this league, it will be a shame for the other teams. This team has an average age of 39! Crazily enough, I actually think they can win. Armed with the most perfect match of captains in the league, 3-Headed Monsters can rely on their role players to fill in the gaps next to the Jason Williams-Rashard Lewis pick-and-pop.

Some nights, they can go with Kwame Brown out there to play the paint. Other nights, let Mahmoud Abdul-Rouf play his old man (4- years old!) game. Dude scored 19.2 points per game in the NBA, this century (I think this is a good thing).

Like most teams in the league, they filled out the roster with at least one heavily experienced player. In this case, Eddie Basden comes as a bona fide European journeyman. One of these Euroleague guys is going to make a difference for their team, and I’m betting on the one who has White Chocolate setting the table.

Power

Grade: A-

As far as staying true to self-proclaimed style, no one did better than Power at yesterday’s draft. Between Corey Maggette and Cuttino Mobley as captains and DeShawn Stevenson out of the draft, Power is a sure bet to bring the friction this summer. Add Kendrick Perkins before Kendrick Perkins, Jerome Williams, and you already know there will be a bloody nose or two.

There is also a man named Moochie Norris who apparently played for a decade in the NBA before I knew what basketball was. He had, from the looks of it, the sickest hair in the game at one point. I hope he brings that back for the Big 3. Basketball needs more cool hair; Jeremy Lin can’t be shouldering this heavy a load. The Big 3 is the perfect opportunity to reclaim hair supremacy for the sport of basketball, back from Odell Beckham and football.

Ball Hogs

Grade: D

I take back everything I said about afros and hair and liking it and wanting more of it and whatever. Josh Childress rocked an afro for basically his entire career, and Brian Scalabrine is one of the only red-headed NBA players I can ever remember, but they really goofed up in this draft. Second pick Rasual Butler will probably score in heaps, and his athleticism will reign in a spaced-out exhibition environment, but past that, yeesh.

These guys have to be aware that they’re up against prime NBA competition here, and draft accordingly. Scal and Childress aren’t guarding Allen Iverson or Chauncey Billups, but then who is? Seventh overall pick Derrick Byars has been a D-League stalwart, and Dominic McGuire was part of the era of Warriors basketball that had to die so that the fully actualized version of Stephen Curry might live.

I’m not sure who on this team even deserves to hog the ball, despite the name. There’s not a whole lot to get excited about.

Ghost Ballers

Grade: B

Ivan Johnson is the only person that matters on this team. I understand that Mike Bibby is awesome to watch and that Ricky Davis might shoot more times than the entire Ball Hogs team combined, but Ivan Johnson is back playing basketball in America and that is tremendous news for people who enjoy life.

Johnson combines basketball prowess and intimidation like no one ever has. I believe Johnson has small fists that come out of his chest and back when he boxes out, along with hips that kick like Conor McGregor. There is for sure no one else in this league who has been kicked out of an entire professional basketball league for life because of one simple hand gesture. Johnson ticks that box, and that’s why he’s the favorite for MVP.

Next: Which NBA players can help you survive the zombie apocalypse?

Ghost Ballers needs nothing more (but really they only get a B because I’m nervous about what Maurice Evans and Marcus Banks can provide).