Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  Getting a Head Start on Being Overrated In a move sure to shock Bill Plaschke, a 13-year-old Delaware quarterback has made a verbal commitment to Lane Kiffin and USC.  I won’t use the kid’s name here, because I refuse to participate in the most egregious case of silly [...]

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  Wait Till Someone Realizes That “Who Can it Be Now” is Nothing but “Waltzing Matilda” with Sax Famed ’80s Aussie band Men at Work will have to fork over millions in unpaid royalties after a court determined that a tiny bit of their classic song “Down Under” was [...]

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  The Bomb Blast Didn’t Send Them Shooting to the Moon Where They Had to Make Oxygen Masks Out of Rocks and Fight the Evil Gumball People.  So I Guess My Theory Was Wrong. Lost returned to ABC last night, for the first episode of the final season, and [...]

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  Want to Get Nominated for Best Picture?  Then Blow Some Shit Up. The nominees for this year’s Oscars were announced this morning on fine talk shows all across America.  As expected, The Hurt Locker and Avatar will be pitted against each other in life-or-death Academy Awards combat, as [...]

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  That’s What I Love About Lady Gaga.  She’s All About the Music. The Grammys predictably degenerated into a Michael Jackson/Taylor Swift/Beyonce lovefest, but at least Lady Gaga was there to lighten things up by wearing three different ridiculous outfits.  How do you know you’re a fashion icon?  When [...]

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  Golf’s Favorite Grandpa Gives Tiger Woods a Good Talking to Tom Watson, the ghostly figure who came striding out of the mists of time to nearly win the British Open last year, thinks the Tiger Woods scandal has hurt golf, and thinks that when Tiger does return from [...]

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  No, Actually Steve, iPad Was Taken Excitement over Apple’s unveiling of the iPad – you better get one, unless you enjoy going through life without being able to look your fellow humans in the eye – quickly gave way to hilarity over the name “iPad,” a name that [...]

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  Greg Oden is Sorry for Showing Everyone His Dick Portland Trailblazers star Greg Oden has apologized for taking naked pictures of himself and allowing them to end up on the internet.  Fun video of Oden’s shame follows: 2.  Do Call Me Shirley.  Don’t Call Me Sensitive to the [...]

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  At Last, the Photographic Evidence Archie Bunker Has Been Waiting for The National Enquirer has won the race to publish the first picture of someone who looks like Tiger Woods walking in the vicinity of a clinic that offers rehabilitation for those suffering from sex addiction.  The same [...]

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  LeBron James is the Chosen 1.  As Long as You’re Not Choosing Him for the Dunk Contest. LeBron James has decided to pull out of the dunk contest, a year after promising basketball fans he would participate in the always-overhyped All-Star weekend activity.  That’s okay LeBron, we know [...]

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  If Rex Ryan is Such a Great Motivator, How Come He Can’t Motivate Himself to Put Down the Powdered Doughnuts? The New York Jets continue to defy expectation by winning playoff games on the road over heavily-favored opponents.  Yesterday their victim was the Chargers, who might actually have [...]

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  Now There’s One Less Reason to Watch NBC, Leaving the Official Tally of Reasons to Watch NBC at Negative-15 NBC has settled the Jay Leno v. Conan O’Brien mess by caving in to Leno and telling Conan to pack up his stuff and leave.  Reports say Conan will [...]

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1. Plagues Spread Quickly in This Wondrous Digital World I know you’ve already run into someone today who was singing this and possibly you wanted to punch them.  Even though the song contains some very valuable wisdom that the saggy-panted youth of the world would do well to heed. [...]

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  Let the Kiffin v. Neuheisel Trash-Talk War Begin After one mediocre season at Tennessee, coach Lane Kiffin has shockingly bolted from the Volunteers to take over for Pete Carroll at USC.  Some may wonder how in the world a man with a .500 record in [...]

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily. 1.  Mark McGwire Admits to Willingly Shrinking His Penis.  I Might’ve Kept That One to Myself, No-Longer-Big Guy. Yesterday afternoon, new Cardinals hitting coach Mark McGwire dropped a bomb on the sports world by admitting he took steroids all throughout the ’90s, even in 1998 when [...]