Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Getting a Head Start on Being Overrated

In a move sure to shock Bill Plaschke, a 13-year-old Delaware quarterback has made a verbal commitment to Lane Kiffin and USC.  I won’t use the kid’s name here, because I refuse to participate in the most egregious case of silly advance hyping since Freddy Adu.  By the way, for all we know, not only will Lane Kiffin not still be the coach by the time this kid is old enough to play for USC, but there might not even be a USC, or a California, or an earth.

2.  Those Are Some Thighs.  Those Are Thighs, Right?

Controversy has erupted among feminists over Winter Olympian Lindsey Vonn’s SI cover, which features the somewhat attractive blonde skier bent so far over, the only thing you can think about is sheltering under her ass until the spring thaw.  The feminists are enraged that, once again, a magazine aimed at young, silly males has chosen to emphasize a female athlete’s minor sex appeal over her sports skills.  But everyone knows feminists are just bitter and ugly, so no one pays attention to them anyway.

3.  Proof That James Cameron Was Wise to Choose Movie Directing Over Making Music Videos

Once upon a time, James Cameron directed a music video for his buddy Bill Paxton’s band, and convinced his other buddies Paul Reiser, Lance Henriksen and Kathryn Bigelow, who would eventually become his ex-wife, to appear in it.  James probably thought this video was gone forever but, nope.  Nothing ever dies, as long as YouTube lives.

4.  Smells Like Whatever Kids Smell Like These Days

Frances Bean, the daughter of late Nirvana front-man Kurt Cobain and insane freak Courtney Love, is taking the musical plunge by performing on the debut album for the band Evelyn Evelyn, a side-project for Amanda Palmer of Dresden Dolls.  I don’t want to say that Frances’ appearance on this record is a stunt, but Weird Al will reportedly be singing on the same track.  So, at the very least, I’m conflicted over whether to take this seriously.

5.  Johnson Jokes Are too Easy

Fox NFL analyst and hair legend Jimmy Johnson has signed on as a spokesman for male enhancement product ExtenZe.  Now the time has come for me to show a certain maturity and not do the joke about wanting a Johnson like Jimmy’s.

6.  I’d be Blasted too if I Had to Hang Out With a Bunch of Baseball Fans in February

I was wondering who Freddy Garcia was going to be pitching for this year.  I guess it’s the White Sox, since this video of him all drunk and sweary was taken at Soxfest.  Or maybe he just crashed it.

7.  This Guy Gets 10 Points for Moxie, and Minus-1,000 Points for Non-Evilness

How hard is it to pull off a scheme where you pretend to be a U.S. Marshall, arrest a woman you don’t like for some reason, tell her you’re going to deport her, drive her to the airport and make her fly to the Philippines on her own dime?  Not very hard, apparently, since this guy did it.  And the woman he “deported” is still in the Philippines somewhere.  Lou Dobbs is jealous he didn’t think of this.

8.  Conan’s Off, So We’re Stuck With Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel makes the funny about Tim Tebow’s controversial anti-abortion ad.  Pretty much any clip from Jersey Shore makes a good pro-choice argument, if you ask me.

9.  Carl Everett Calls Bullshit on This

Scientists have, for the first time ever, worked out what a dinosaur might really have looked like, instead of just making a good guess based on their knowledge of Godzilla.  Hint:  Think chicken more than lizard.

10.  And Did You Know that Hitchcock Had a Terrible Fear of Eggs?

13 Hitchcock Films That Never Got Made.

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Wait Till Someone Realizes That “Who Can it Be Now” is Nothing but “Waltzing Matilda” with Sax

Famed ’80s Aussie band Men at Work will have to fork over millions in unpaid royalties after a court determined that a tiny bit of their classic song “Down Under” was stolen from the kiddie tune “Kookaburra Sits In The Old Gum Tree.”  I’m guessing the guys from Men at Work aren’t exactly sitting on millions in cash right now, which means they will have to get to work slightly ripping off some more songs our spinster music teacher made us sing in third grade while she pounded angrily away on her out-of-tune piano.  Either that or start washing cars.

2.  Record Company to Jealuz Haterz:  Stop Saying Taylor Swift Sucked at the Grammys, or We’ll Totally Leave a Flaming Bag of Turd on Your Step

Taylor Swift’s bosses at Big Machine records are defending their hottest – and blondest – property against critics who say she was out-of-tune and in-over-her-head during her Grammys duet with Stevie Nicks.  “I think [the critics] are missing the whole voice of a generation that is happening right in front of them,” said Big Machine chief Scott Borchetta, adding, “Maybe she’s not the best technical singer, but she’s probably the best emotional singer because everybody else who gets up there and is technically perfect, people don’t seem to want more of it.”  McDonald’s needs to hire this guy right now.  I can already see his defense of their murderburgers:  “Maybe they aren’t the most nutritious processed-beef-patty-based foodstuffs on the planet, but they must not suck too bad, otherwise everyone would be eating salad.”

3.  And You Think Your Dog’s Cool Cause it Can Bring Casks of Whiskey to Stranded Mountaineers

This dog barks in a way that sort of sounds like “Who” and the Saints fans all yell “Dat.” Remember when Saints fans were adorable and plucky and everyone was on their side because of the hurricane thing?  Now I sort of hate them.

4.  If You Can’t be the Best, Shoot for “Most Dysfunctional”

Maybe it’s just a publicity ploy on behalf of his fledgling OCNN project, but Chad Ochocino has told Jay Glazer that Terrell Owens will play for the Cincinnati Bengals next year.  In related news, Marvin Lewis has announced his retirement from coaching.

5.  It’s Nice to See Erin Getting Out There and Mingling With her Stalkers

Erin Andrews has found the perfect way to increase her credibility as a journalist:  appearing with P. Diddy at a Super Bowl party in a Miami nightclub.  For those who wish to catch a glimpse of their favorite ESPN sideline hottie, the party is at the Axe Lounge at LIV on Sunday night after the game.  And remember stalkers, security is tight at these things, so you’ll have to be extra-crafty about hiding your cameras.

6.  We Can’t Lick Cancer, But at Least We Have Bigger, More Convenient Packets for Our Fast Food Ketchup

Heinz has announced the creation of ketchup packet 2.0.  The new packets will be bigger and easier to open, and will feature dipping cups built into the bottoms.  The revamped packets will begin littering our backseats come the fall.

7.  Irrelevant Rock Star Slams Semi-Relevant Rock Star

AC/DC lead shrieker Brian Johnson has called out U2 frontman Bono for being too public about his charitable work on behalf of Africa, and for “talking down” to fans who, unlike him and his rich philanthropic buddies, are just working stiffs looking for a good time.  Johnson insists that he himself does a lot for charity, if by “charity” you mean “hookers and the lozenge industry.”

8.  He Was Lucky it Was Just a Penny and Not a Chick Named Penny

The Pitt-West Virginia game gets ugly when a Pitt assistant coach is hit in the face by a flying penny.  Fans being rowdy at a college basketball game?  What is this world coming to?

9.  Songs for Geeks to Hum on Road Trips

Twenty Stellar Sci-Fi Themes from TV.

10.  Report: Tiger Leaving the Sex Rehab Clinic We’re Still Not Sure He Was Ever in

I don’t remember ever getting ultimate confirmation that Tiger Woods was actually in that rehab clinic in Hattiesburg, but nevertheless, Radar Online is reporting that Tiger has finished wrestling his demons there and is ready to check himself out.  This would tend to jibe with other reports that Tiger means to make his return to competitive golf at the Accenture Match Play tournament in Arizona in two weeks.  Tiger hasn’t played in months and he can’t have indiscriminate sex anymore?  I’d say he might have some pent-up aggression to take out on the field there in Tucson, no?

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  The Bomb Blast Didn’t Send Them Shooting to the Moon Where They Had to Make Oxygen Masks Out of Rocks and Fight the Evil Gumball People.  So I Guess My Theory Was Wrong.

Lost returned to ABC last night, for the first episode of the final season, and spun out the usual array of crazy twists that will have geeks ejaculating for days.  SPOILER ALERT!!!  In episode 601, LA X, people you thought were dead weren’t, folks traveled through time, stuff that already happened did so again, only different this time, Jack acted heroic, Sawyer got pissed off and Kate’s butt looked damn fine.  I wonder what surprises will be unleashed next week.  Maybe Charlie will be an annoying little midget or Hurley will be fat!  That would rock.

2.  How Long Does it Take to Live Down an Insane Drunken Anti-Semitic Rant Anyway?

Mel Gibson appeared on Chicago’s WGN to promote his new movie, but instead of the usual softball questions stars get from local TV hacks during such appearances, Gibson was peppered by entertainment reporter Dean Richards with uncomfortable queries about his personal travails.  Gibson, predictably, did not take the interrogation well.  Thankfully it was a remote, otherwise someone would’ve wound up with their hands around someone’s neck.

3.  The Last Movie Joe Biden Saw:  That One Thing About the Guy, Lawrence I Think His Name Was, and He Went to Arabia or Somewhere Else Sandy

Joe Biden is asked about his Oscar favorite.  Joe struggles to cough up the name of that movie he saw in 3D that he thought was just amazing.  Next time, Joe, just admit that you don’t see any movies.  Being a politician doesn’t mean you have to lie all the time.

4.  Ron Mexico Waxes Nostalgic About the Stuff That Got Him Thrown in Jail

Michael Vick’s reality show The Michael Vick Project premiered on BET last night, and yes, Michael talked about the dog fighting ring that got him chucked in prison.  He wants everyone to know he’s really sorry about that, because killing dogs is wrong, unless they get hit by the UPS truck, in which case the only humane thing is to put them out of their misery either via electrocution or bashing them in the head repeatedly.  Also, it is okay to kill chickens as long as you snap their heads off really fast and then cook them and slather them in barbecue sauce and eat them, preferably while looking at waitresses in hot pants.

5.  Those Don’t Even Include the Bruises on His Ego

Brett Favre, in a move Tila Tequila would be proud of, has released pictures of the damage done to his body by the New Orleans Saints during the NFC Championship game.  The pictures should’ve come with helpful captions, like, “See how bad they beat me up?  Now do you blame me for throwing that interception?  It wasn’t my fault my offensive line blocked like a bunch of polio-stricken school children.”

6.  OCNN Already Has More Credibility Than CNN

Ochocinco hit Super Bowl media day in his new capacity as lead reporter for his own personal news network, OCNN.  I want to believe that OCNN is a serious operation, but the founder is the guy who once got fined for pretending to bribe a ref, and one of his reporters is the dude best known for posting a picture of his junk on the internet.  If Chad hired Ray Lewis as a legal analyst, or Tony Siragusa as a health expert, then maybe I’d take him seriously.

7.  Porn is the Only Profitable Industry Left in California, So Of Course, No One Wants to Mess With it

Lawmakers in Los Angeles County received pressure from activist groups to pass new rules forcing the porn industry to mandate condom use for its performers, but apparently the pressure wasn’t strong enough, because those lawmakers have refused to move on the issue. Maybe the problem is that 90% of the lawmakers in Los Angeles County are also porn actors and they just don’t like using condoms?

8.  Shut Up Polly.  Daddy’s Trying to Watch the Car Crashes.

A New Jersey man faces animal cruelty charges after allegedly blowing away his pet parrot with a BB gun because it wouldn’t stop squawking during a NASCAR race.  When Polly said Polly wanted a cracker, Polly didn’t mean she wanted one for an owner.

9.  Even in Death, Michael Jackson Continues Grossing Everyone Out

The Banjoko Wildlife Preserve has been forced to move the corpses of two of Michael Jackson’s former giraffes after the bodies, which were buried in an undisclosed location off the preserve, started stinking up the neighboring town of Page, Arizona.  In addition, two other one-time MJ pet giraffes, which were still living as of last report, were ordered off the preserve by city officials.  For a guy who allegedly loved everyone and everything, Michael sure left a lot of misery in his wake, didn’t he?

10.  Are They Depressed Because They Web Surf too Much, or do They Web Surf too Much Because They’re Depressed?

A new study claims to have found a link between excessive web use and depression.  As a person who uses the web pretty much every waking hour, I reject this claim outright.  Now excuse me while I assume the fetal position and begin to shiver and moan like an abandoned child.

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Want to Get Nominated for Best Picture?  Then Blow Some Shit Up.

The nominees for this year’s Oscars were announced this morning on fine talk shows all across America.  As expected, The Hurt Locker and Avatar will be pitted against each other in life-or-death Academy Awards combat, as will the films’ respective directors, Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron, who used to be married (that’s what’s known as a subplot).  SAG Award and Golden Globes winners Jeff Bridges, Christophe Waltz, Sandra Bullock and Mo’Nique also received nominations, clearing the way for them to repeat their victories on Oscar night. Despite the lack of suspense, viewers will tune in…cause they want to see the dead people reel.  Everyone loves the dead people reel.

2.  Soon the NCAA Will Realize its Dream of Letting the Entire ACC into the Big Dance

Rumors are bouncing around that the NCAA is hot to expand the Big Dance field from 65 to 96 teams.  Yet another brilliant, bald-faced money-grubbing big-conference-fellating move from the people who brought you the BCS.

3.  Eric Maxwell, Reality is Trying to Call You.  Please Pick Up.

Shocking – well, okay, slightly stunning – video of high school volleyball coach Eric Maxwell becoming irritated at one of his players and drilling her in the head with the ball.  Bobby Knight wants to give this guy a medal; everyone else thinks he should be strung up by his ballsack and pelted with shit.

4.  Things I Would Pay to See:  Herschel Walker Kicking Jose Canseco in the Neck

Herschel Walker won his MMA debut over the weekend, and Jose Canseco was watching.  Now Jose wants to challenge Herschel to an Athletes Your Dad Loved showdown for the ages.  If Tonya Harding fights a blade-swinging Battlebot on the undercard, I’m in.

5.  Kentucky: The Cradle of Jerks

The world’s greatest college basketball player John Wall appears to be feuding with his coach John Calipari.  After a big loss this weekend, Wall seemed to get rubbed the wrong way by Calipari’s public criticism of him, and said he “tries not to listen” when Calipari speaks.  See, and the whole time I thought the key to being a good player was paying attention to your coach.  But Wall proves that you don’t have to.  Remember that kids:  don’t listen to your coach.  And fuck Wheaties; ReddiWip is the real Breakfast of Champions.

6.  Pretty Gay, Rudy

Rudy Gay sees the clock running down on the quarter and fires up a heave from a little short of half-court.  Nothing unusual except for the fact that there are actually seven seconds left on the clock, plenty of time for the Lakers to rebound, and fire it down the court to Kobe Bryant for a three.  I guess Rudy thought the “7″ on the clock was a “1.”  He either needs glasses or a little remedial kindergarten.

7.  The Hat Looked Great, Even if the Movie Sucked

The story of a man who started making his own Indiana Jones-style fedoras after seeing Raiders of the Lost Ark and ended up producing the fedoras Harrison Ford wore in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  No offense to this guy but I really hope he never has to produce another fedora for an Indiana Jones movie.  Cause there should never be another Indiana Jones movie.  Ever.

8.  Can You Also Turn Your Dog into a Touchscreen?  Cause That Would be Cruelly Hilarious.

A Portuguese company called Displax has invented a peel-and-stick polymer film that can be used to turn any flat surface into a touchscreen-like input device.  So now you can finally live your dream of becoming the modern-day Marcel Proust.  Just find a woman who is willing to lie there naked and let you use her back as a keyboard.

9.  It’s a Good Thing No One Listens to PETA

The spoil-sports at PETA want to ruin the wonderful tradition that is Groundhog’s Day by replacing the famed Punxsutawney Phil with a shitty robot groundhog.  Well America, it’s time to tell these animal-loving weenies where to go, and stand up for our right to make meteorological predictions based on the random reactions of a groggy rodent.  Stick to throwing fake blood on models, PETA pukes.

10.  They Post Stuff Like This at Esquire?

11 Memorable Attempts at Super Bowl Counterprogramming.  Or, What Bud Bowl Hath Wrought.

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  That’s What I Love About Lady Gaga.  She’s All About the Music.

The Grammys predictably degenerated into a Michael Jackson/Taylor Swift/Beyonce lovefest, but at least Lady Gaga was there to lighten things up by wearing three different ridiculous outfits.  How do you know you’re a fashion icon?  When you have more costume changes than changes of expression.

2.  What if She Had Puked All Over Everyone?  Seriously, Did No One Think of That?

Pink provided the show-stopping performance of Grammy night by combining singing with Cirque du Soleil.  Thank God she thought of this and not Jennifer Hudson, cause that could’ve been tragic.

3.  Rex Ryan Thinks Annoying Fans are #1

Jets coach Rex Ryan got heckled by some fans while attending an MMA event over the weekend, and responded by flipping the jerks off.  Because Ryan is an NFL coach and not just your average rude, bloodthirsty lard-bucket, he was forced to issue an apology.

4.  SNL Aims for “Funny,” Hits “Kinda Effed Up and Maybe Good for a Chuckle if You’ve Inhaled Some Really Strong Fumes”

At last, the sax player from The Lost Boys receives his pop culture due.  Thank you Andy Samberg and Jon Hamm.

5.  Disclaimer: No Children Were Eaten During the Making of This Segment

Mike Tyson on Italian Dancing With the Stars.  Tyson has now reached that sad point in every washed-up celebrity’s career where they just go wherever their agent says they have to go, not knowing why or even particularly caring, as long as there’s food and a hooker.

6.  Kobe Bryant, Professional Dagger-Sticker-Inner

Kobe Bryant beats the Celtics with a last-second shot.  You think Kobe ever gets sick of being The Man?

7. Today in Great Ideas That Will Sadly Never Catch on

Comedian Ricky Gervais has a practical solution to overpopulation:  sterilize people who have “stupid, fat faces.”   Oh, but why stop there?  Let’s also sterilize draft wonks.  And people who go crazy every time someone dunks or hits a homer.  And fans of the Dave Matthews Band.  And those idiots who get depressed because reality isn’t like Avatar.  And people who call Conan O’Brien “Coco.”  Oh goodness, this could go on and on, couldn’t it?

8.  Look on the Bright Side:  At Least They Don’t Blow Up Like Pintos

Toyota has announced that, by the end of this week, dealers will receive the parts necessary to fix the sticking accelerator problem that has plagued numerous models, leading to a PR disaster for the world’s #1 automaker.  And if the technicians at your dealership are unable to solve the problem, you can always trade your Toyota in for a real American car, you hateful Communist.

9.  I Was Rooting for the Evil Mercenaries to Kill the Forest-Dwelling Blue People.  Does That Make Me Bad?

16 Villains We’d Rather See Win

10.   No, I Didn’t Forget the Pro Bowl

Here it is, your Pro Bowl highlight:  Cheerleader Tug-of-War

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Golf’s Favorite Grandpa Gives Tiger Woods a Good Talking to

Tom Watson, the ghostly figure who came striding out of the mists of time to nearly win the British Open last year, thinks the Tiger Woods scandal has hurt golf, and thinks that when Tiger does return from his self-imposed exile, he should make a more concerted effort to comport himself like a gentleman on the course, and not swear and throw clubs like a punk kid.  Tom just doesn’t understand what it’s like to be young, black and a jack-ass.

2.  Things You Will Not See During the Super Bowl Telecast:  Restraint, Dignity and Men Kissing Each Other

The owners of gay dating site ManCrunch.com have their hot pants all in a bundle after CBS’s apparent decision not to air their ad, which features two men kissing, during the Super Bowl.  Well, I for one would not want my kids seeing that kind of filth during a wholesome all-American exhibition of sex and violence like the Super Bowl.  First you let them see two dudes kissing, and before you know it, they’re joining the Democratic party, drinking soy milk and trading all their guns for Jonas Brothers tickets.

3.  Mike Florio Just Reset the Turd-Watch Meter.  Then Went Back to Practicing His Mobster Voice for When Scorsese Finally Calls.

Rey Maualuga proved that he is a true Cincinnati Bengal by getting busted for DUI this morning while driving around with two girls, one 18, one too young to be listed in the report as anything but a “juvenile.”  Imagine what a distraction this would’ve been for the Bengals had they been in the midst of Super Bowl preparations right now.  And if you want a real challenge, imagine the Bengals in the Super Bowl.

4.  Hedo Turkoglu is a Man of One Word.  And That Word is “Ball.”

Why did Hedo have a good game?  “Ball.”  What would Hedo do about global warming?  “Ball.”  What does Hedo think will happen in the last season of Lost?  “Ball.”  Who is Hedo’s favorite all-time Detroit Lions defensive tackle?  “Karras.”

5.  SNL is Going to Have a Field Day With This.  Because They Think Mocking the Blind is Funny.

Sight-impaired New York governor and frequent Saturday Night Live target David Paterson appeared on The View with guest-host Tim Hasselbeck, who was filling in for his spouse Elisabeth as part of some wife/husband host-swap gimmick.  Unfortunately for Paterson, a conversation about football broke out, during which Paterson said to Tim, “You switched jobs with your wife today. I was thinking that um if maybe some of the members of the Jets defensive backcourt switched wives with their Jets last Sunday, the Jets will be in the Super Bowl right now.”  Well, he got the Jets part right.  Maybe next time his assistants should write out his quips in Braille.  Help a man out.

6.  Yo Grandfather, Get Your Hands off the NBA Player’s Wife’s Booty, or I Fear We May Find Ourselves in a Fracas

Eddie House’s wife was trying to watch her husband ball against the Suns about a month ago when someone grabbed her inappropriately, she complained, and a brawl broke out.  Fun story made even more fun:  Two of the guys thrown in jail for the fight were Tigers catcher Gerald Laird and his brother Brandon, and the feel that started it all was copped by their horny grandfather.  That’s what I call sports synergy.

7.  Dwight Howard Mistakes a Ref for a Teammate.  More Proof that NBA Games are Fixed?

Dwight Howard attempts to start a fastbreak, but unfortunately, doesn’t realize that the guy he thinks is breaking away is actually an official.

8. Bert Cooper is Now the Gayest Character on Mad Men

Mad Men creator Matt Weiner has confirmed that the series’ official gay character Salvatore Romano will not be returning for season 4.  Homosexuals now have no reason to watch the show, except to ooh-and-aah over Joan’s outfits.

9.  Okay Dad, I Get it, You Love Me

A Taiwanese man now has a giant scrap-metal Optimus Prime standing in his driveway, all because his son loves Transformers.  It was either that or kidnap Megan Fox and present her to the boy as a sex slave.  But then you have to feed her, and there’s the whole probably getting arrested thing.

10.  Your Local Dangerous Highway Has Nothing on These 19 Dangerous and Absurdly Complex Roadways from Around the World

The road is a Marble Madness course, and you’re the marble.

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  No, Actually Steve, iPad Was Taken

Excitement over Apple’s unveiling of the iPad – you better get one, unless you enjoy going through life without being able to look your fellow humans in the eye – quickly gave way to hilarity over the name “iPad,” a name that made people think of many things, including an old MadTV skit.  Buzz is buzz, I guess.

2.  Chris Matthews Demonstrates How Post-Racial Barack Obama is…by Injecting Race into His Commentary on Barack Obama

I’m sure Chris Matthews is trying to make some incredibly pithy and insightful point here about how inspiring a figure Barack Obama is for other people who are not white, but unfortunately, it comes out all wrong.  Perhaps in future Chris will restrict himself to remarks about the substance of what people have to say instead of focusing on their ethnic backgrounds.  Irish twit.

3.  The Wizards Will Have to Suck Without Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton.  I Think They Can Manage.

David Stern has brought the hammer down on pistol-packing Wizards Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton, suspending the players for the remainder of the season.  Chris Matthews suggested they should play for the all-white basketball league instead, but then he remembered that they’re black.  He always forgets.

4.  There’s a Reason Us Non-Hockey-Fans Always Focus on the Fighting.  It’s Cause it’s So Damn Fun.

Some guy named Mark Fistric hits some guy named Eric Nystrom in the head with a helmet.  Love the Punch-Out music playing in the background.

5.  Or Maybe You Could Mug a D-List Celebrity and Steal Their Invitation?

Big League Stew tells us how to crash a Super Bowl party.  Holy cow, nachos and hos wearing nothing but body paint?  I thought they only had Cubans and nice-guy serial killers in Miami, but apparently I was way wrong.

6.  I’m Pretty Sure Boise State Got Hosed on This List Too

An intensive scientific study yields an authoritative list of the top 25 college football programs of the last 10 years.  USC is #1, so apparently, there are no points taken off for cheating or the coach being an asshat.

7.  Holy Crap, More Hockey Footage That Has Nothing to Do With Hockey

Keeping the pucks roll going…some announcer saying two Detroit Red Wings had sex with the other team.

8.  I Would’ve Just Said “Fuck You,” But Mark Twain’s Way Works too

Mark Twain once sent a scathing letter to a peddler of dubious medicine he had become annoyed with, and that letter has been handed down to us as an example of how much wittier 19th Century literary titans were than, say, 21st Century blog commenters.  If I received such a letter from such a man, I would not know whether to be insulted or honored.  Yeah, you’re right, I’d be insulted.  But I’d also be grateful for the lesson in grammar.

9.  Sportswriters are More Full of Shit Than Weather Men.  And Other Stuff Any Pissed Off Sports Blogger Could’ve Told You.

The 6 most statistically full of shit professions.  Politician is not in the top 6?

10.  RIP J.D. Salinger

Somewhere, Mark David Chapman is crying.  And that somewhere is Attica.

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Greg Oden is Sorry for Showing Everyone His Dick

Portland Trailblazers star Greg Oden has apologized for taking naked pictures of himself and allowing them to end up on the internet.  Fun video of Oden’s shame follows:

2.  Do Call Me Shirley.  Don’t Call Me Sensitive to the Plight of Haitians or Employed by ESPN.

ESPN has dumped basketball player Paul Shirley’s blog after Shirley’s highly controversial suggestion to the Haitian people that more liberal use of prophylactics could help improve their quality-of-life.  And maybe they could also try moving their island to a place that’s a little less earthquakey, right Paul?

3.  Still Waiting for the iToilet

Geeks across the world are breathless with anticipation over the expected Wednesday unveiling of Apple’s latest piece of must-have technology, the iTablet.  The new device, a sort of giant iPhone as I understand it, is expected to cost between 600 and 800 bucks, and will sport such fun gadgets as duel cameras.  And if you don’t have one within three months, you are a worthless human being who should do everyone a favor and shoot yourself.

4.  David Arquette Would Like You to Lay Off His Wife’s Ass

David Arquette has fired back at a New York Times blogger who made critical comments about his wife Courteney Cox’s apparent weight gain.  “I don’t think that has anything to do with anything,” Arquette told FoxNews.com’s Pop Tarts.  “Writing articles about people that put on weight is just wasting space for real news.”  And responding to said articles on FoxNews.com is just wasting space for fake news.

5.  Let’s Play “Funny or Creepy?”

Jimmy Kimmel interviews the Octomom’s kids, who just had their first birthday.

6.  What Did Pope John Paul II Have in Common With Your Freaky Ex-Girlfriend?

Both liked whips.  And tended to overeat when under stress.

7.  And How Many of Them Are Not Staff Members or Relatives of Staff Members?

Newsday’s grand paywall experiment has, since September, resulted in exactly 35 paying subscribers, grossing the company around $9,000.  That would be an awesome haul if you were running a lemonade stand, unless the lemonade stand, like the new Newsday pay site, cost $4 million to build.

8.  The Two Most Annoying People on Earth, and the Hot, Angry Blonde Who Connects Them

The world sorely needed a connection between Brett Favre and Tiger Woods, and at last, it has one:  According to reports, while Tiger works out his issues at a sex rehab clinic in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, his wife Elin Nordegren has been crashing at the home of Hattiesburg’s most famous regular resident, chronic waffler Favre.  At the point where those two stories intersect lies a hole in the space-time continuum that will, if you get too close to it, suck you into a parallel universe where everyone wears Wranglers, has shiny white teeth and just can’t help themselves.

9.  He Plays Video Games With His Dad?  What a Dork.

A video game bonding session between an Italian man and his 16-year-old son ended in a bloody mess when the father’s attempt at imposing his parental will – by shutting off the TV cause sonny was being such an ass about losing – resulted in sonny stabbing pops in the throat with a butcher knife.  To make the story funny instead of horrific, imagine the kid screaming something at his father in a cheesy Mario Bros. accent before plunging the knife in.

10. Phone Books:  They’re Not Just for Strong Men to Rip in Half Anymore

Want to know what to do with all those phone books that have been piling up on your front porch since 2002?  Just send them to Alex Queral who will make art out of them.

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  At Last, the Photographic Evidence Archie Bunker Has Been Waiting for

The National Enquirer has won the race to publish the first picture of someone who looks like Tiger Woods walking in the vicinity of a clinic that offers rehabilitation for those suffering from sex addiction.  The same pap also photographed Bat Boy, Sasquatch and Jimmy Hoffa at the facility.  Sasquatch, I have learned, has struck up a great friendship with Tiger and will be replacing Steve Williams as his caddie/picture-snapping-fan rougher-upper.  That’s right golf hooligans…from now on, Sasquatch will be messing with you.

2.  That’s Either an Ass or Some Kind of Weird Pulsating Sea Creature

Among the many hazards inherent in bobsledding is the possibility that your suit will split, exposing your ass to any camera operators who might be standing behind you.  And then of course there’s the chance of crashing and your head getting ripped off.  The ass thing is pretty bad too though.

3.  Stupid, No.  Devious and Largely Despised?  I’d Say Yes…

Jay Leno asks Michael Jordan ten questions.  Yeah, Michael calls Leno stupid which is funny, but did you notice that when Leno asks MJ to list all the products he endorses, Nike is not the first thing he mentions?  Phil Knight is not going to be happy about this.

4.  The Internet Fulfills its Primary Duty:  Providing Wanking Material

AskMen.com has released its annual list of the 99 most desirable women.  Apparently, men mostly desire skinny white girls.  What, no Michelle Obama?  Are we done pretending she’s hot already?

5.  Things That Can’t be Real:  MacGruber Movie Trailer

The lamest movie idea to come out of SNL since someone decided Night at the Roxbury had “box-office gold” written all over it.  Please tell me Will Ferrell doesn’t have a cameo in this.

6.  I Can’t Wait for White Hood Night at the Arena

A new hoops league, the All-American Basketball Alliance, is set to begin playing games this summer in 12 cities.  This would not be a very interesting story were it not for one little detail:  the All-American Basketball Alliance will only sign players who were born in America and can prove both their parents were white.  The head of the new no-people-of-color-allowed league, someone named Don “Moose” Lewis, insists it was not conceived with racist motives but is instead a league for “white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”  Swastika tattoos get you in free.  If they’re on your face, your beer is half-price.

7.  I Didn’t Count.  Was That 100?  Oh Wow, That Batman and Robin Movie Must Really Suck.

The 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes of All-Time.  “All-Time” meaning “mostly since about 1980.”

8.  It’s Funny Cause, Actually, There Won’t be Bumper Stickers After the Apocalypse

What we can expect from bumper stickers after the world as we know it has ended.

9.  Martin Luther King Was a Trekkie

Nichelle Nichols recounts the time Martin Luther King told her she couldn’t leave Star Trek.  It’s more interesting than her story about the time DeForest Kelley got really drunk and proposed a three-way with her and Green Chick #2.

10. How Can Duke Nukem: Forever be a Flop When it Doesn’t Exist?

The worst video game flops of the ’00s. Some of those must really suck.  Glad I only play Frogger.

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  LeBron James is the Chosen 1.  As Long as You’re Not Choosing Him for the Dunk Contest.

LeBron James has decided to pull out of the dunk contest, a year after promising basketball fans he would participate in the always-overhyped All-Star weekend activity.  That’s okay LeBron, we know you have more important things to do…like sit in the stands with your All-Star buddies overreacting to every dunk.  “Wow, that was an awesome two-handed stuff!  I am totally mesmerized by things I have seen hundreds of times and should be bored with by now!  Hey, let’s go watch some fireworks!”

2.  Vincent Jackson’s Sunday Was Worse Than Yours.  Unless Your Name is Tony Romo.

Hours before his team was ousted from the playoffs by the upstart New York Jets, San Diego Chargers wide receiver Vincent Jackson was reportedly pulled over for playing his music too loud, and wound up being cuffed after officers discovered he was driving with an invalid license and expired plates.  Sucks for Vincent, but still, any story that starts with a sports star getting pulled over and doesn’t end with the cops finding a bunch of drugs or a dead body in his trunk…that’s a positive story in my book.

3.  In America She’s a Sweetheart; In Australia She’s Just Another Target for a Butt-Kicking by a Russian

Melanie Oudin failed in her bid to become Australia’s Sweetheart by getting knocked out by Russian Alla Kudryavtseva in the first round of the Aussie Open.  I know what most of you are thinking of doing right now, but let me save you the trouble:  no, Alla Kudryavtseva is not hot.  You may move on with your day.

4.  They Should Get Rid of the Pucks, the Sticks, the Ice and the Refs and Just Call it Professional Thuggery

Rouyn-Noranda Huskies forward Patrice Cormier (not a female, despite the name) hits Mikael Tam of the Quebec Ramparts with his elbow, sending Tam to the ice where he stops breathing and begins convulsing.  MMA would like to thank hockey for making it look like a civilized activity.

5.  Avatar isn’t only Killing Other Movies at the Box Office and Awards Presentations.  It’s Also Killing People.

A 42-year-old Taiwanese man went off to see the box office smash Avatar a little under two weeks ago, never suspecting that he would suffer a stroke halfway through the movie and wind up dying in the hospital 11 days later.  Doctors say a combination of hypertension and becoming overstimulated at the awe-inspiring spectacle of Avatar led to the man’s death.  This is the first fatality directly linked to a movie since the time that guy choked to death on his own vomit 20 minutes into Funny People.

6.  Comets Have Begun Mating With Asteroids, and We Are All Officially Screwed

Astronomers have discovered a curious object in the asteroid belt, one that looks for all the world like a combination between an asteroid and a comet.  The plan now is to send a man out to the asteroid belt in a small, triangular spaceship equipped with shields and warp, so he can blow the comet/asteroid into smaller pieces that then fly off wildly in all directions, even circling the entire universe and coming up behind him.  And if he doesn’t destroy the asteroids fast enough a UFO will come shooting back at him, forcing him to flee to the other end of the screen.  Godspeed brave asteroid-destroying astronaut.  And let’s hope your mom doesn’t catch you blowing your lunch money.

7.  Sergio Garcia Pretends He Wants Tiger Back on the Tour

Sergio Garcia, the man who was supposed to become known as Tiger Woods‘ main rival but instead has become known as the dude who spit in the cup, says he wants Tiger back on the tour quickly because winning over Tiger is sweeter than merely winning.  Like he’d know.

8.  The Daily Wrongness:  Masters of the Universe Art Exhibit

Ever wanted to see Skeletor naked and stretched out provocatively on a green bearskin rug?  If your answer is “yes,” you should go look at this, then get help.

9.  This is Why Your Mom Makes You Go Before You Leave

Tuesday’s Australian Open match between Donald Young and Christope Rochus was delayed a half hour while crews cleaned up the pee trail left when one of the ballboys lost control of his bladder and tried to flee the court.  Gosh, I hope there’s video of this soon, so we can all enjoy seeing a young man get scarred for life.

10.  Four Words I Never Wanted to See Together in This Particular Order:  “Super Bowl Shuffle Remake”

Several members of the famous 1985 Chicago Bears team have gotten together to make a Super Bowl commercial in which they relive the joy that was their famously cheesy video for “The Super Bowl Shuffle.”  I hope Jim McMahon has at least gotten some new teeth since the last time I saw him.

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  If Rex Ryan is Such a Great Motivator, How Come He Can’t Motivate Himself to Put Down the Powdered Doughnuts?

The New York Jets continue to defy expectation by winning playoff games on the road over heavily-favored opponents.  Yesterday their victim was the Chargers, who might actually have overcome Rex Ryan’s football monster had their Pro Bowl kicker Nate Kaeding not suddenly morphed into Shaun Suisham.  There’s no doubt about it now:  If I’m ever kidnapped to a mysterious planet where the inhabitants make me the coach of their intergalactic football team and I have to win a big game against the Andromeda Galaxy or they’re going to shoot me with a ray gun that cooks my organs inside my body, I’m going to have them come to earth and kidnap Darelle Revis so I can slap him on Andromeda Galaxy’s best receiver.  Or maybe I’ll just scream for Superman to save me.  Either one.

2.  And…Back Come the Monkeys

A week after earning their respective first ever playoff victories, Wade Phillips and Tony Romo found themselves on the wrong end of a purple freight train known as the Minnesota Vikings, and now the monkeys that were supposed to be off their backs have returned and are dirtier and more flea-ridden than ever.  Don’t worry though, guys.  I’m sure it meant nothing that Jerry Jones was seen conversing at length with Brett Favre and Leslie Frazier after the game.  Jerry loves you guys and would never stab you in the back.  Just ask Jimmy Johnson how unfailingly loyal he is.

3.  Brett Favre Has No Interest in Seeing Your Butt-Schism

Only Brett Favre could get away with chanting “Pants on the Ground” as a post-game celebration, cause only he’s old enough to truly relate to the sentiments expressed by the song.  He’s also a big fan of “My Lawn is Not the Place for Your Tomfoolery” and “Damn, That’s a Sweet Scooter.  I Could Fit a Lot of Raisin Bran in That Wire Basket in Front.  And the Ladies Would All Want to Go Behind the Bushes With Me for Some Viagra-Assisted Loving.”

4.  The Day Reggie Bush Was Better Than Kurt Warner; or, That One Day We’ll Never Forget Because it Also Rained Frogs

Kurt Warner was denied the chance at another magic Super Bowl run by the New Orleans Saints, who not only refused to kneel before his godly presence, but at one point nearly sent him off to meet the big guy in person.  Meanwhile, Reggie Bush began enjoying the fruits of his new pact with the devil by running the ball hard and not getting tackled as easily as usual.  Are dogs and cats living together yet?

5.  Don’t Bother Picking Off Peyton Manning, Cause the Football Gods Will Just Make You Fumble it Right Back Anyway

The Baltimore Ravens needed big plays on defense to beat Peyton Manning and the Colts, and it looked like they had gotten one when Ed Reed stepped in front of Pierre Garcon to pick Manning off, but because Peyton Manning is a football god as well as a roguishly charming TV pitchman, Ed was doomed to have Garcon chase him down and force the fumble.  No wonder Ed is now thinking of retiring.

6.  Here it is, Your Golden Globes Highlight

Winning a Golden Globe is less prestigious than winning an Oscar, so when actors win Golden Globes, especially in the phony “musical-or-comedy” category, they tend to be less gushy and more loosey-goosey in their acceptance speeches.  That goes double for Robert Downey, Jr., who may not have invented the art of making prepared material seem off-the-cuff, but has certainly perfected it.

7.  They Eat Weird Things in China, Maybe Even Vaseline

Stephon Marbury has finally found a team that will sign him to play basketball, but it’s not in the U.S. or even in Europe, it’s in China.  This relationship will last about as long as it takes Stephon to figure out that in China they expect people to have discipline and self-control.  But at least he’ll get some fun new Chinese-character face tattoos out of it.  And the ones you get in China may actually spell what you think they spell.

8.  A Tradition Unlike Any Other: Jim Nantz Not Knowing the Names of Countries Recently Devastated by Earthquakes

Jim Nantz calls Haiti “Haitia.” He must’ve been distracted by his boiling hatred for Phil Simms.

9.  Oh Wait, I Forgot the Other Two Golden Globes Highlights

You know, these.

10.  Maria Sharapova Has Lost Her Biggest Advantage Over Anna Kournikova

The pro-Maria side of the great Maria Sharapova vs. Anna Kournikova debate used to go like this:  “Well, Anna may be prettier and have a better body, but at least Maria wins.”  So much for that.  What’s left now?  Better commercials and at least Maria still plays?

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Now There’s One Less Reason to Watch NBC, Leaving the Official Tally of Reasons to Watch NBC at Negative-15

NBC has settled the Jay Leno v. Conan O’Brien mess by caving in to Leno and telling Conan to pack up his stuff and leave.  Reports say Conan will receive a handsome buyout and will not, I repeat will not, be “put on ice” as NBC head Jeff Zucker reportedly threatened.  Clearly, NBC was unswayed by the massive pro-Conan campaign currently burning up Twitter and Facebook.  In the end, they chose the guy who appeals to actual TV viewers, and not the guy with low ratings but high support on social media sites.

2.  Jay Leno Lets Jimmy Kimmel Do to Him What NBC Did to Conan O’Brien

Whoever books guests for Jay Leno clearly hates him.  How else do you explain the decision to have Jimmy Kimmel do a live-by-satellite interview when everyone had to know Jimmy would spend the entire time kidney-punching Jay?  Sadly, this is probably the funniest thing ever on Jay’s 10 PM show.  NBC wants to hire Kimmel so they can fuck him over.

3. Comparing a Man’s Heart to That of a Chicken?  That’s Just Over the Gosh-Dang Line…

Legendary NBC executive Dick Ebersol has gone off on Conan O’Brien, calling him an “astounding failure” and labeling him “chicken-hearted” and “gutless.”  Actually Dick, you want to know what’s chicken-hearted and gutless?  Calling someone you’ve already fired chicken-hearted and gutless because you want the guy you didn’t fire, but sort of pissed off, to know you’re on his side.  A fruit-basket would’ve sufficed.

4.  When Earth Orbit Just isn’t High Enough…

NASA has launched one of those important official investigations after someone discovered a bag of cocaine in a hangar used to house the shuttle Discovery.  I just thought of something funnier than astronauts sucking little Tang-balls out of the air while floating around in zero-G.

5.  Androids Get Dehydrated?

Pop sensation Lady Gaga was forced to cancel a show in Indiana Thursday night after becoming dizzy and dehydrated.  Disappointed fans were shuffled to an adjacent building where a different androgynous freak pranced around in absurd costumes while half-heartedly performing horrible watered-down dance tunes.

6.  With No Regard for Human Life!!!

TNT announcers Kevin Harlan and Doug Collins get a lapful of Bull after Tyrus Thomas, in his zeal to grab a loose ball, dives over the table and into their space.  That’s the most fun Doug’s crotch has had since Michael Jordan quit asking him for lapdances.

7.  It Wasn’t Like They Needed Him for Anything Anyway

Packer fans still searching for explanations for their team’s defensive meltdown Sunday against the Cardinals may have gotten a clue from this video of defensive coordinator Dom Capers nodding off in the booth.  If so, it would be the first time in history Packer fans got a clue.

8.  Ref Does His Job, Gets Blasted

A high school referee is getting heat from the blogosphere after calling a post-game technical on a winning team, allowing the losing team to shoot the free throws that ultimately helped them become the winning team.  FYI, the winning team that became the losing team had the technical called on them for taunting the other team’s bench.  How dare that referee expect sportsmanlike behavior from high school kids.  Doesn’t he know youthful exuberance when he sees it?

9.  The Confusion That Can Result When You Give Your Child an “Ethnic” Name and Talk Online With People Who Are Very White

I don’t know if this is real or a bit.  But it’s funny and it involves Jesus.  And when those two things come together…it’s golden like grahams.

10.  Keep on Smiling Through Those Tears, Conan

Conan O’Brien is selling the Tonight Show on the same site off which you can also buy someone’s old broken chair, that rare Michael Bolton Raps CD you’ve always wanted or sex with a one-legged lady.  And that’s about where it belongs.

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1. Plagues Spread Quickly in This Wondrous Digital World

I know you’ve already run into someone today who was singing this and possibly you wanted to punch them.  Even though the song contains some very valuable wisdom that the saggy-panted youth of the world would do well to heed.

2.  Gilbert Arenas is an Asshat, But at Least He Never Went All Boyz N the Hood on a Sucka

GQ has used various sources including court records and police reports to piece together a pulp-novel-style first-hand account of what happened the day Marvin Harrison allegedly shot a man in an altercation outside his restaurant.  If you believe the GQ account, you can take the “allegedly” out of there and replace it with “horrifyingly.”

3.  I Feel Less Doomed Already

A panel of scientific experts deemed the end of the world less imminent than previously thought, and in reflection of this slight uptick in optimism, moved the hands on the famed Doomsday Clock back one minute.  Then they saw an episode of Jersey Shore and moved it back up three minutes.

4.  And by “Put Him on Ice” He Doesn’t Mean Cryogenically Freeze Him.  At Least I Hope That’s Not What He Means.

The hardball is getting harder between Conan O’Brien and NBC honcho Jeff Zucker.  A couple days ago, Conan said that he would absolutely not accept the plan to move the Tonight Show back a half-hour to make way for Jay Leno’s return to late night, and intimated that he has not been treated fairly by the network that made him a household name.  Now Zucker has fired back by threatening to “ice” Conan for 3 1/2 years, which, if I understand douchebag corporate-speak correctly, means Zucker will make it so Conan can’t start a new show until his contract expires, effectively destroying his TV career.  Zucker’s handling of NBC primetime has already led to the coining of a new term, “Zucked-Up.”  Now we’ll need to introduce another new term:  “Zucked Over.”

5.  This is What the Clippers Get for Making a Pact With the Devil, Right Pat Robertson?

As further proof that the Clippers are the most cursed franchise in the NBA, their first round draft pick from last year, Blake Griffin, has been shelved for the season after undergoing surgery on the knee he effed up early in the year.  There’s only one solution here:  Someone from the Clippers needs to conjure Satan and challenge him to a fiddle contest.  Of course whoever does will probably just tear something in his elbow.  It’s like the Twilight Zone with dunks.

6.  Orlando Hernandez No Longer Wants to Strike You Out.  He Does Want to Sell You an Airless Water Valve.

Endorsing Tom Emanski’s baseball tutorial videos while wearing a cheap cap basically ruined Fred McGriff’s life.  The same probably won’t happen to El Duque after his participation in this ad for a special valve that saves home owners hundreds of dollars a year on their water bill, but perhaps it should.

7.  First McGwire’s Admission and Now This?  How Much More Disillusionment Can I Take?

In the wake of Mark McGwire’s less-than-stunning admission of steroids use, former Cleveland Cavaliers coach John Lucas has revealed that, indeed, the Cavs deliberately tanked games late in the season to help them gain the draft pick they used on LeBron James.  And next they’ll be telling me that offensive linemen sometimes hold and the refs don’t even call it.  There’s just nothing real left to believe in.

8.  It Could’ve Been Worse.  It Could’ve Been Donald Sutherland in a Speedo.

Kiefer Sutherland made a bet with his friend that, if the Patriots lost, he would wear a dress when he appeared with David Letterman.  Well, the Pats as we know got destroyed by the Ravens, and Sutherland, true to his word, donned the dress for his sit-down with Dave.  Ah, the old dress plus boots plus unshaved legs look.  It’s like 1993 all over again.  Throw on some Alice in Chains and get angsty.

9.  Making Tetris Harder and More Headache-Inducing

This version of Tetris is somewhat less addictive than the old-fashioned non-disorienting version.

10.  The Timberwolves Have Themselves a Highlight for the Year

Half-court heaves like the one Corey Brewer made to force overtime vs. the Rockets last night mark the point at which basketball stops being a sport and starts being something closer to roulette.  Not that the Timberwolves will be looking that particular gift horse in the mouth.  When you suck, you’ll take lucky.

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Let the Kiffin v. Neuheisel Trash-Talk War Begin

After one mediocre season at Tennessee, coach Lane Kiffin has shockingly bolted from the Volunteers to take over for Pete Carroll at USC.  Some may wonder how in the world a man with a .500 record in college and a way-below-.500 record in the pros can possibly have earned arguably the most prestigious coaching job in Division 1 football.  Well, it’s simple actually:  Lane Kiffin is the greatest con man in the history of the world.  If he were as good a football coach, he would be equal to fifteen Knute Rocknes.

2.  College Campuses Were Once Hot-Beds of Political Dissent.  Now They’re Just Places Where People Get Drunk and Break Stuff.

Amazingly, the departure of Lane Kiffin not only angered the University of Tennessee student body, it actually touched off a riot.  With running and screaming and spray painting and tear gassing and urinating and pretty much everything except traffic copter footage of guys being dragged from their vehicles and beaten senseless.  I would tell the rioting students to get a clue, but that would be like telling the ocean to stop being so damn wet.  Congratulations, generation that produced the current crop of college age students.  You have succeeded in raising the dumbest group of human beings ever to pollute the world.  These people’s mothers must be especially proud:

3.  Rex Ryan Respectfully Disagrees With Your Opinion That Charles Woodson Was the Best Defensive Player in the NFL This Year, and if You Don’t Like it, You Can Kiss His Giant White Pimply Ass Right on the Jets Logo Tattoo

I think if you asked 100 football fans which corner they’d rather have on their team, Charles Woodson or Darrelle Revis, all but the delusional Packer-backers among them would take Revis.  We know who Rex Ryan would take, cause he told everyone at a press conference.  This is how you get to be a players’ coach.

4.  Chuck Norris Wants to be Geraldo Rivera, Except This Time, He’s the One Breaking the Noses

Action hero and spokesman for the insane far-right Chuck Norris wants America to know that Barack Obama is keeping something from them.  And if you want to know exactly what this something is, all you have to do is infiltrate the secret vault Obama created by executive order.  Chuck would infiltrate it himself, but his knees aren’t what they used to be, plus he’s too busy stalking Ann Coulter.

5.  Why Do I Sense an Undercurrent of Glee?

Jimmy Kimmel does his monologue as Jay Leno.  It’s a good thing he wore the giant gray wig and cartoonishly protruding fake chin, cause I would’ve had no idea who he was impersonating otherwise.  He is no Frank Caliendo, that’s for sure.

6.  Am I the Only Male in America Who Thinks Hugh Hefner is Just Kinda Creepy?

America’s favorite aging wannabe Pasha, Hugh Hefner, announced on Twitter that his “girlfriends” the Shannon Twins have moved out of his mansion and into “the Playmate house” where they will be free not to smell his old man smell.  This reportedly leaves Hefner with only one android-like blonde Playmate still living with him.  Sorry Hef, but if there’s only one much younger woman sharing your home with you, you don’t have a harem.  You have a nurse.

7.  She’s Hoping One of These Days Spencer Won’t Recognize Her, and She’ll be Free

Waste of DNA Heidi Montag has admitted that she is addicted to plastic surgery, claiming she once had 10 procedures in one day.  Remember the good old days when self-improvement meant reading books and trying to experience more of the world?  Now it just means paying some Mercedes-driving dickhead thousands of dollars to inject your own butt-fat into your lips.

8.  How Do You Even Out the Advantage Hitters Gain by Taking Steroids?  Make Them Use These Bats.

Some sculptors work in marble.  Others in clay.  A few in bronze.  Peter Schuyff?  He works in baseball bats.

9.  Those Are Not Trees on Mars, No Matter What Jesse Ventura Says

Some new NASA images of Mars appear to show trees growing atop sand dunes on the supposedly lifeless planet.  Scientists assure us that the “trees” are actually patterns left over by evaporation.  Nevertheless, a group of beavers has set to work building their own spaceship so they may venture to the Red Planet and sink their comically oversized teeth into the sweet, sweet martian wood.

10.  And if McGwire Won’t Agree to a Lie Detector Showdown, Canseco Will Challenge Him to a Bake-Off

You thought Jose Canseco would keep his mouth shut in the wake of Mark McGwire’s steroids admission?  Well you obviously don’t know Jose Canseco.  I love Jose’s idea for him and Mark to take dueling lie detector tests on national television.  America needs to know once-and-for-all which of these two former sports heroes is the bigger lying puddle of snail-goo.

Further Reading:

What About Layla Kiffin?

Circus Clown as Lane Kiffin

The Top 10 Performance Enhancers According to Bob Knight

I Thought the Cubs‘ Starting Rotation Was Their Only Strength…

If it Was Good Enough for Yogi Berra, it’s Good Enough for Michael Oher

Random Retro Baseball Player: Von Hayes

Is John Daly…Kinda Hot?

10 Hottest American Idol Contestants

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Mark McGwire Admits to Willingly Shrinking His Penis.  I Might’ve Kept That One to Myself, No-Longer-Big Guy.

Yesterday afternoon, new Cardinals hitting coach Mark McGwire dropped a bomb on the sports world by admitting he took steroids all throughout the ’90s, even in 1998 when he and fellow man-made freak Sammy Sosa saved baseball by racing to break Roger Maris‘ home run record.  Yesterday evening, McGwire sat down with noted Little Person Bob Costas for a tearful interview that, at least in this one excerpt, feels suspiciously like a tearful rehearsed statement presented in the form of an interview (like deep penetration, extemporaneous speaking is apparently impossible for McGwire).

2.  Thug Sticks Up for Cheater

This is fun:  Bob Knight sticking up for Mark McGwire by arguing that steroids are no different than Gatorade, and claiming that McGwire simply got bad advice.  Remind me never to hire Bob Knight if I’m on trial in some alternate dimension where half-senile old basketball coaches are lawyers.

3.  If Jay Leno Had Had His Own Cancellation to Joke About All Along, He Never Would’ve Gotten Canceled

Jay Leno’s low-rated primetime talk show has officially been canceled, leaving Jay’s future with the network up in the air.  Sucks for NBC and Jay, but hey, at least now he’s got something to joke about in the monologue besides Tiger Woods.

4.  And Conan O’Brien is Also Mad at NBC.  Even Tiger Woods is Like, “Wow, You Guys Sure Messed Up a Lot of People’s Lives.”

Conan O’Brien smiles on the outside, but inside, he is ready to go all Sunday Bloody Sunday on NBC.  Cause he’s Irish, you see.

5.  Some Would Argue That the Franchise Died About Halfway Through Spider-Man 3

Director Sam Raimi has confirmed that plans to prepare a fourth Spider-Man film for a summer 2012 release have been scrapped, leaving the popular film franchise deader than Mark McGwire’s credibility.  Sony Pictures has since revealed that it plans to move forward with a Spider-Man reboot for 2012, without Raimi, Tobey Maguire or any of the rest of the original cast.  Even the guy who decided to paint the Hindenburg with rocket fuel thinks this is a bad idea.

6.  Hedo Turkoglu Likes Him Some Underhand Alley-Oop Passing to Demar DeRozen

I realize I’ve been neglecting the NBA in this space.  This could possibly be because the NBA is utterly irrelevant outside of the playoffs and Gilbert Arenas‘ gun-related antics.  Or maybe it’s because there haven’t been enough videos of Hedo Turkoglu throwing sick alley-oop passes to Demar DeRozen.  Yeah, that’s it.

7.  What Random Food Item is Jesus’ Face on Today?

A man about to enjoy his lunch at an Indian eatery in England instead found himself having a religious experience when he noticed that the burns in his naan bread vaguely resembled the image of Jesus as portrayed by artists who never saw Jesus and therefore have no idea what the hell he looked like.  “‘It was one eerie experience, given how close we were to Christmas Day,” said the man.  A double-meaningless coincidence?  Awesome.

8.  Shaq Pulls a Reverse-Tiger:  Cheating on His Wife With a Swedish Model

Radar Online, the same icky site that has competed daily with TMZ to ruin Tiger Woods‘ life, has revealed details of married NBA star Shaquille O’Neal’s 18-month relationship with Swedish model Dominica Westling.  The editors at Radar Online are clearly all short, white, unathletic, small-dicked haterz who could never get within sniffing distance of a Swedish model without committing a felony.

9.  Japanese TV, When Will You Ever Stop Blowing My Mind?

This is what a race between Usain Bolt and a mannequin would be like if Usain were a Japanese guy in blackface and the mannequin were a dude dressed up like a mannequin with his ass in the front.  Why isn’t this kind of stuff on American TV?  Outside of the fact that it would offend the majority of American TV viewers and hopelessly bewilder the rest?  (via With Leather)

10. There Are So Many Different Things Wrong With This, I Don’t Even Know Where to Begin

When I was a kid, there were Star Wars action figures, Star Wars lunchboxes and of course Star Wars pajamas.  Kids nowadays are much luckier, though, because they have a Star Wars burlesque show.  I played with my tiny plastic Chewbacca; they play with their tiny fleshy winkies.  I feel cheated.  And a little revolted.

Further Reading:

NFL Playoffs Divisional Round Picks, Spreads, etc.,

Since the Pistons Last Won a Game…

Dear Braylon, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Should Baron Davis be Annoyed at NBA JAM?

Peter Gammons: Rock Star

The New Havana Red: Aroldis Chapman

Mark McGwire the American Liar

Charles Woodson Named AP Defensive Player of the Year

Are the Best Dunkers in Small Colleges?

Surprise: T-Mac to Bulls Not a Terrible Idea

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  You Know What Sucked Worse Than Charles Barkley on Saturday Night Live?  The Defense in the Arizona-Green Bay Game.

After three mind-numbingly boring playoff games, the Cardinals and Packers finally gave NFL fans a barn-burner.  Those who appreciate good defense and competent officiating were probably appalled, but screw them.  I’ve personally always thought that covering receivers and calling obvious penalties are overrated.  I like guys running wide-open on every play, and if I had my way, helmet-to-helmet hits and blatant facemasks would not only be legal, but actually encouraged.

2.  You Know Who Else Sucked Worse Than Charles Barkley on Saturday Night Live?  The Eagles.

Some thought the Dallas Cowboys could never beat the Eagles three times in the same season, and certainly could not blow them out two weekends in a row.  These people were wrong.  Thanks to the Eagles and their suckiness, America was treated to one of the most terrifying images in history:  George W. Bush and Jerry Jones high-fiving each other in the box.

3.  When it Comes to Sucking, There’s Charles Barkley on Saturday Night Live, and Then There’s the Patriots vs. the Ravens

Bill Belichick must’ve thought he was having a nightmare Sunday as he watched his team of highly-paid professional football stars fall behind 24-0 in the first quarter to the Ravens.  Unfortunately for The Dark Hoodie, it was not a dream, it was real.  Somewhere, Eric Mangini was eating Ritz crackers and Cheez Whiz and cackling like a hyena.

4.  Yes Charles Barkley, You Sucked on Saturday Night Live, But at Least You Did Not Suck as Bad as the Bengals

Ochocinco’s new truck, parked in his spot at the stadium, was the only evidence to prove he was actually at the game Saturday against the Jets.  It is a sweet truck.  It has a bigger carbon footprint than a 747, but what the hell, it’s only the planet we live on.

5.  This Was Funnier Than Anything Charles Barkley Did on Saturday Night Live

Mark Sanchez pokes Pete Carroll about his decision to leave USC for the Seahawks.  He should’ve done it while scarfing a hot dog.  Then it would’ve been double-funny with chocolate icing on top.

6.  Maybe Charles Barkley Should’ve Tried Dancing Like Donovan McNabb

Donovan must’ve had a premonition about how bad that game was going to be, and figured he better give the fans some entertainment before taking the field.  I smell a Dancing With the Stars appearance coming on.

7.  Charles Barkley Wasn’t the Only Former Basketball Star Who Appeared on a TV Show This Weekend…and Sucked

Scottie Pippen made a cameo appearance on The Cleveland Show in a musical number called “Balls Deep.”  Aw, isn’t that cute, the little fat kid is in love.

8.  Another Manslut Off the Market

Derek Jeter is reportedly set to marry his girlfriend Minka Kelly, the brunette starlet from Friday Night Lights.  I guess notorious bachelor Derek figures he’s sown enough wild oats for one life and needs to start a family.  I’m sure they’ll have several incredibly attractive children who are all bright and charming and athletically gifted.  Except for that one awkward mutt who grows up to discover Nick Swisher is his real daddy.  Hey, crazy things happen, especially when tequila is involved.

9.  These Two Should Date.  Or Jump Off a Bridge Hand-in-Hand.  Either One.

Cameras caught Megan Fox kissing Mickey Rourke while the two were shooting a scene for their new movie Passion Play.  I don’t know what makes me sicker:  the sight of Mickey Rourke kissing someone or the thought of Megan Fox getting movie parts.

10.  Charles Barkley Sucked on Saturday Night Live.  Alicia Keys Did Not.

Somebody had to bring it like they knew what they were doing.

Further Reading:

Cubs Make Andre Dawson an Offer He Can’t Refuse

LeBron’s Over-the-Backboard Shot vs. Kobe’s Over-the-Backboard Shot

Spence Rescinds His Apology to Joe Flacco

Hockey Hair: A Tribute to the Salad Skate

Wheel of Misfortune

Lamarr Woodley Should Wear More Bowling Shirts

A Candlelight Vigil for Pete Carroll

In Mother Russia, Hockey Brawl You

DeSean Jackson Fan Mad at Michaels and Collinsworth

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  There’s Only One Way to Solve This:  A Tiger Woods Joke-Off

What oh what will NBC do about Jay Leno now that they have decided to axe his low-rated 10 PM talk show?  Will the network release Leno from his contract, allowing him to bolt for rival FOX?  Will they tell Conan O’Brien to take a hike and give Jay back his Tonight Show gig?  Will they carve out a new half-hour time slot for Leno and move Conan back to 12 o’clock?  Will they shock everyone by firing both Leno and O’Brien and giving the Tonight Show to Bonnie Hunt?  How much fun will David Letterman have mocking the chaos at the network that once snubbed him?

2.  When a Garrett Comes in for a Colt, You Know You’re in Trouble

The complexion of Thursday’s National Championship Game changed completely when Texas QB Colt McCoy was injured on a running play and had to exit the game, forcing Mack Brown to play untested back-up Garrett Gilbert against Alabama and their fearsome defense.  Does it get you hot when I use sports journalist terms like “the complexion of blah blah blah changed completely”?

3.  He’s Mad Because They Ruined His Shirt.  Hey, it Was a Nice Shirt.  And He Only Has 2,000 Others Just Like it.

Nick Saban’s world is nothing but blackness and misery, even when he’s just been doused with Gatorade by his jubilant players in the wake of defeating Texas for the national championship.

4.  Where’s Baron von Raschke When You Need Him?

A doof in a Mexican wrestler outfit ran onto the field during the National Title Game, but you missed it, cause the spoil-sports on ABC decided not to air it.  Yet they’re willing to put Lee Corso on the air even though he’s this close to forgetting who he is?

5.   Tebow Would’ve Ripped the Hurt Arm Off, Glued on a Robot Arm and Run Back Out.  Cause He’s Not a Pansy Like Colt.

Colt’s cute and his post-game interview was quite poignant.  But come on.  You gotta just suck it up and go back out.  The gamblers are counting on you.

6.  James Carville’s Penis Enters the Airport Security Debate

Democratic pitbull James Carville’s take on airport security:  “Let me buy a [security] pass … so that they can scan me and and search me and measure my penis, then let me get on the plane.”  As if the lines didn’t move slowly enough at airports, now we have to wait while they take a ruler to everyone’s schlong?  My God, could you imagine being stuck behind Visanthe Shiancoe?  “We’re gonna need the extra-long tape measure Roy. The one we used on the anaconda that time.  And tell everyone to put on their hard-hats.”

7.  Eric Mangini is Not Fired.  Even Though He is an Asshat.

Mike Holmgren looked over his new team in Cleveland and decided Eric Mangini is good enough to run it until he can find someone who doesn’t suck.  That’s exactly how he explained it to Mangini too.  But Mangini is used to being belittled, having spent years pressing Bill Belichick’s shirts.

8.  If Anyone Would Know What an Unmade Bed Looks Like, it Would be Sharon Stone

Sharon Stone was apparently trying to say something nice about Meryl Streep when she made the following remark to Tatler Magazine:  “I think that’s why Meryl Streep is working so much, because she looks like a woman we can all relate to.  I look at her and I think, ‘I’m chasing my kids, I’ve moved my parents in with me, I’m coping with food spills – that looks like me in real life’.  Meryl looks like an unmade bed, and that’s what I look like. To me, that looks true.”  Is Sharon just jealous cause Meryl gets an Oscar nomination every time she exhales while Sharon is ignored for tackling challenging material like Basic Instinct 2?  On an unrelated note:  Sharon Stone was so hot in Total Recall.

9. I Still Say They Made a Mistake Getting Rid of Paula.  She Was Must-Cringe-Away-From TV.

American Idol is coming back.  To get you in the mood, Hail Mary Jane offers up the 10 Funniest American Idol Auditions of All-Time.  Go for the William Hung video, stay for the marijuana talk.

10.  Dang, Alicia Keys…

Charles Barkley is hosting Saturday Night Live this week, with musical guest Alicia Keys.  I know because I watched these promo vids.

Further Reading:

Texas Steals a Play from The Waterboy

Why Chris Bosh Should Choose the Bulls

Tiger Woods Movie in the Works

Boo-Ray, The Card Game that Crittenton and Arenas Were Involved With…

Great Moments in Unlicensed Pittsburgh Sports Merchandise

Stop the Ticketmaster Merger Monopoly

A Gynecologist’s Take on Cowboys/Eagles

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  The NBA Will Have to Get Along Without Gilbert Arenas for a Still-to-be-Determined Period

David Stern is not yet ready to decide how harsh Gilbert Arenas‘ punishment should be for the guns thing and the making a joke about how much trouble he was in over the guns thing thing, so Stern has suspended Arenas indefinitely.  This gives the Commish plenty of time to choose: flogging, stretching on the rack, waterboarding, Clockwork Orange-style reprogramming or just kicking him out of the league forever.  Might I suggest boiling him in oil?  It’s novel, plus you get such a nice crispy corpse to hang somewhere as a reminder of why players shouldn’t bring guns into the locker room.

2.  Baseball Writers Love Andre Dawson, are Lukewarm Toward Bert Blyleven and Roberto Alomar, Hate Jack Morris and Barry Larkin

Despite a number of solid candidates, the baseball writers decided that only Andre Dawson is worthy of joining the immortals in Cooperstown this year.  This guarantees that next summer’s enshrinement ceremony will be a short one.  I guess the baseball writers had early dinner reservations or something.  Those bastards are drunk on their own power.  I mean, just look at Tim Kurkjian.  How can you peer into those eyes and not see the soul of a tyrant?  I just hope they don’t wait too long on Robby Alomar, cause I’m pretty sure he has AIDS and will die soon.

3.  Matt Kemp Tops Our Weekly “Who is Rihanna Fucking Now?” List

Matt Kemp plays for the Dodgers, and he is boning Rihanna.  I’m not sure if he’s lucky or just kind of a dirtbag.

4.  His First Mistake Was Believing Anything Terrell Owens Says

A fan who says Terrell Owens promised to give him his Bentley if he failed to catch 10 TDs in Buffalo this year is screaming that T.O. has reneged on the deal, which was allegedly arranged via Twitter.  T.O.’s reps have responded by saying Owens was only kidding when he put up the car.  Well, he got away with it this time, but I wouldn’t try that kind of crap in any card games against guys with Italian last names.  That’s how the East River ended up so full of bodies.

5.  The Couple Who Got it on in the Cowboys Stadium Bathroom Thinks This is Hilarious

The head writer for the Eagles‘ official website thought it would be funny to film himself spitting on the big blue star in the middle of the Cowboys Stadium field before last weekend’s Dallas/Philly game.  You know who didn’t think it was funny?  Almost anyone else.

6.  If it Was Minnesota, They’d Call it a Schism

Josh Cribbs thinks he should get fat new contract for being the only good player on the Cleveland Browns, but his new boss Mike Holmgren evidently disagrees.  This made Josh so mad that he went straight to Twitter and started whining.  Then he realized what a jerk he was being and decided to leave it in God’s hands.  So now God has to decide how much money Josh Cribbs should get, as if God didn’t already have enough to worry about, with the climate change and the comets and Glenn Beck drunk-dialing him in the middle of the night.  Selfish humans.

7.  There’s Nothing Easier Than Following a Loser

The Washington Redskins have made Mike Shanahan their head coach and VP of football operations, and will pay the two-time Super Bowl winner $7 million a year for the privilege.  Shanahan’s first move:  shrinking his feet to Ken-doll size, so they’ll fill Jim Zorn’s shoes.  Hope he enjoys having dinner with Daniel Snyder every night for the next seven years.

8.  I Could See Albert Belle Doing This

L.A. police are seeking a man in his late ’20s who was caught on video using a bicycle to perpetrate a drive-by mugging of a five-year-old.  He’s in his twenties, he rides a bike and he robs five-year-olds?  Ladies and gentleman, I believe I have identified the world’s biggest loser.  When they catch him they should duct-tape him to a post and let people throw feces at him.

9.  Who the Hell Stabs Themselves?

Fat comedian Artie Lange was found full of knife wounds by his mother on Saturday, after she went to his Hoboken apartment to bring him a truckload of food.  Joe Buck was momentarily suspected, but it was quickly determined that Lange had stabbed himself.  Apparently, he got incredibly wasted and mistook his own body for a pork chop.  A really huge, sweaty, hairy, undercooked pork chop.

10.  Random Johnny Carson Clip in the 10 Slot

Carson brings out the big guns:  Mel Blanc and Jack Benny

Further Reading:

Ladies Choice: 11 Sexiest MMA Fighters

We’re Losing the War on Logic

Barack Obonga: 12 (Fake) Photos of Obama With Weed

I’m Shopping Hinrich Again (Bulls Rumor Mill Starts Anew)

15 Funniest Scenes in Dumb and Dumber

John Herrera: No-Talent Ass Clown

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Maybe They Should’ve Hired Mariah to Replace Paula

Mariah Carey knows how to spice up a boring award acceptance speech:  get totally hammered first.  The lubricating booze sweat helped her slink out of her dress later.  Not that she needed it with five low-paid lackeys there to help her.

2.  Will Anyone Surpass His Vaunted Records for Most Birds Killed by Fastballs and Most Cameramen Shoved in Street?

The Big Unit Randy Johnson has retired from baseball, having amassed 303 wins, 5 Cy Youngs, 2 no-hitters and a World Series championship.  Despite those amazing accomplishments, Johnson will probably be best remembered for the Right Guard commercial where he annihilated those guys at dodgeball.

3.  Much Like Roger Federer, Horny Koalas Own Andy Roddick

The Australian Open is coming up, so all the famous tennis players are down there making appearances.  And what else do they have in Australia besides a tennis tournament, that wacky opera house and crazy Mohawk-wearing post-Apocalyptic motorcycle bandits?  Why, koalas, of course.  Koalas that like to have sex, in trees, and don’t care if Andy Roddick is trying to talk nearby.

4.  I Guess She Won’t be Showing Her Boobs on Twitter Anymore

Attention-craving pop singer Katy Perry has become engaged to her boyfriend, British comedian (?) Russell Brand.  It must really be love.  Either that or Katy is more old-fashioned than we thought, and this is the only way Russell can get in her knickers without just knocking her unconscious.

5.  What Do Brett Favre and Ken Whisenhunt Have in Common?  They Both Hate Mike McCarthy.

Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt has called out the Packers for running up the score on his team during their meaningless season-ender in Arizona Sunday.  Whisenhunt went so far as to accuse Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy of leaving his starters in just so Aaron Rodgers could pass Brett Favre for second on the all-time Packers single-season passing yardage list.  Anyone think Ken might be trying to drum up some fake animosity heading into the playoff rematch between his team and the Pack?  No one calls Ken Whisenhunt “The Master Motivator,” but maybe they should.  “The Masked Avenger” would also be a good nickname.

6.  Luxembourg?  They Don’t Even Have Snuggies or Five Minute Oil Changes There, do They?

A new poll shows the United States falling to 7th on the list of best places in the world to live, six behind leader France (damn frogs!!!) and one behind tiny Luxembourg.  Before all you Sarah Palin fans get mad about the America-bashing, keep in mind we’re still ahead of Socialist hellhole Canada.  And we completely kick Uruguay’s ass.

7.  The “I Love Otto” Coffee Mug Should’ve Been a Red Flag

55-year-old school bus driver Martha Thompson will spend time in jail after taking 30-odd upstate New York students for a drunken ride.  Surveillance video of the incident shows terrified students futilely imploring Thompson to stop the crazy before finally popping the emergency door and leaping out.  Holy shit, they touched the emergency door?  Doesn’t that get you five years of detention or something?

8.  When a Big Mac Attack Turns into Just a Plain Old Attack

Police are seeking a woman who was caught on video going apeshit in a McDonald’s after they apparently messed up her hamburger.  I wonder what they did that made her so mad.  Forgot to put limp, brownish lettuce on her Big Mac?  Used too much goat bile in the special sauce?  Accidentally made her quarter-pounder taste like it might be fit for human consumption?

9.  It’ll be Like Linda Cohn is Right in My Bedroom.  Again.

ESPN has announced its intentions to begin broadcasting programs in 3D starting with the World Cup in June.  To experience ESPN in 3D, viewers must have a 3D capable television, 3D glasses and a strong enough stomach to endure the illusion of being in the same room with Mark Schlereth.

10.  The Tiger Skank Payoff

Jaimee Grubbs is the first of Tiger’s mistresses to get her own Maxim spread.  Well, that we know of.

Further Reading:

Peyton Manning, Wheaties, Jethro Tull and Pork and Beans

Jon Heyman is a Big Fat Idiot

Randy Johnson MLB HOF Mustache

Waiting for Godunk: The Perth Screw Job and My Nationally Televised Hissy Fit

Smokin’ Hot Stove: Matt Holliday

Olympic Venues to be Built Using Recycled Guns and Knives

Fullback’s First Steps (Comedy)

Tommie Harris: “Organization Hung Me Out to Dry”

Matt Holliday Merchandise Options for Cardinals Fans

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Look on the Bright Side.  Now You Get to Leave Buffalo.

The Buffalo Bills no longer have a coaching staff, because they fired it.  The whole thing.  From the head man, whoever he was, down to the most lowly position coach.  Terrell Owens must feel totally brain-fucked right now.  It’s the first time in his life everyone was run out of town but him.

2. What Was Your Favorite Fiesta Bowl Non-Game-Related Moment?

Last night’s Fiesta Bowl started out as just another meaningless contest between two beneficiaries of the BCS smaller school quota system, but was somehow magically transformed into a cornucopia of amusing ancillary crap/tweet-fodder.  There was a hilarious misspelling of the word “communication” by the Fox graphics team, a misspelling of the word “noise” by some dyslexic fans…and then there was the cowbell-playing Boise State band member who, thanks to the power of link-trading, became an unlikely folk hero.  And then everyone found out she is blind and felt a tiny bit guilty, for a second.

3.  Tiger Woods, Edgy Beefcake Model?

Vanity Fair has jumped on the Tiger Woods exploitation bandwagon by publishing some “sexy” pictures of the sports superstar, taken before his public life went into a death-spiral.  Some have suggested that the pictures were deliberately manipulated to make them seem more sinister, in keeping with Tiger’s new, non-family-friendly media persona.  Most of us just wish Tiger had kept his shirt on.  And his dick at home.

4.  Now We Know How to Get Under Bill Belichick’s Skin

CBS talking head Charley Casserly reported before the Pats game Sunday that Tom Brady was playing with broken ribs.  Ornery Pats coach Bill Belichick took to the airwaves on Monday to not only refute Casserly’s report, but basically rip the former NFL GM apart.  “There’s so much stuff out there that is so inaccurate that it’s comical,” Belichick raved. “Who’s been wrong more than Casserly? His percentage is like a meteorologist.”  Nobody calls Charley Casserly a weather man!  Belichick has gone too far this time.

5.  Gosh, I Hope She Didn’t Break Out in Hives Again

Erin Andrews had a close call with a runaway player while standing on the sideline at the Fiesta Bowl.  I’m guessing this Erin Andrews video won’t be quite as sought-after by panting pervs as that one from last year.

6.  The Tree is Lucky it Didn’t Get its Face Blown Off

Former NBA star Jayson Williams was injured early Tuesday when he crashed his SUV into a tree, apparently after getting his drink on (at least according to the cops).  What Jayson really needs is a chauffeur.

7.  Clearly, This Man Never Smelled Play Doh, or He Would’ve Known Immediately What He Was Dealing With

A tot traveling with his mom after Christmas found out the hard way what a post-underwear-bomber world will be like, when a TSA man mistook his Play Doh for bomb-making material and confiscated it. A spokesperson for the TSA explained that Play Doh is not expressly prohibited on planes, but their agents are encouraged to use their own discretion in cases like that.  “Use their own discretion” apparently means “be brainless assholes.”

8.  David Letterman Weighs in on the Washington Wizards Mess

And I get an easy item out of it.

9.   2009 in Sports, Through the Eyes of Fansided

And what a year it was.  I’ve already forgotten it.

10.  Random Johnny Carson Clip in the 10 Slot

Johnny with frequent guest Don Rickles.

Further Reading:

Mark Schlereth Does Like Michael McDonald

If the Wild Card Round Match-Ups Were Old TV Shows

Randy Couture, Divorce Lawyer

The Three Most Likely Destinations for Tracy McGrady

Top 25 Hip Hop Albums of the Decade

Ochocinco Hooks Fireman Ed Up With a Trip to Cincy

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Clearly, the Young Man Has Never Heard of Conveniently Looking the Other Way

The Denver Broncos were without Brandon Marshall for their must-win Sunday game against the Chiefs, because coach Josh McDaniels decided winning and making the playoffs were less important than punishing the sometimes unruly receiver for showing up late to a treatment session on his injured hammy.  It also didn’t help the Broncos’ cause that they refused to get in the way of Jamaal Charles as he was racking up 259 yards.  That’s how you go from 6-0 to 8-8.

2.  Chris Johnson Has Something (Good) in Common With O.J. Simpson

Tennessee Titans running back Chris Johnson has joined the elite club of NFL players who have rushed for over 2,000 yards.  Johnson’s 2006 yards places him fifth on the single-season rushing list, 3 yards ahead of O.J. Simpson.  As Ron and Nicole found out the hard way, it’s always good to be three yards ahead of O.J.

3.  It Was Either That or Forge a Sick Note from His Mom

Chad Ochocinco made a huge deal about his match-up with Jets corner Darrelle Revis, but when the night of their big showdown finally arrived, Ochocinco came down with a suspicious case of accidental pre-game knee injury, which I guess is supposed to explain why he ended up with no catches for no yards.  Good news though:  the Jets play the Bengals in the first round of the playoffs, so Ochocinco will get another chance to catch at least one ball with Revis on him.

4.  The “Jim Zorn Firing Watch” is Officially Over.  The “Which Big-Name Coach Will Daniel Snyder Wildly Overpay Watch” May Now Commence.

Redskins fans who drank their sorrows away Sunday night woke up Monday morning to discover that head coach Jim Zorn had been fired.  It’s not as good as a perfect hangover cure or turning over to find an SI swimsuit model passed out beside you, but it’s still pretty good.

5.  Brit Hume is Lucky Buddhists Don’t Believe in Violence, Otherwise He Would Have an Asswhupping Coming to Him

Brit Hume believes Tiger Woods can only save himself by becoming Christian.  I believe I can only save myself by ignoring Brit Hume and every other pinhead on FoxNews with the possible exception of Shep Smith who is fair, balanced and so much hotter than Anderson Cooper.

6.  Chandler Parsons = Cold-Blooded Hoops Assassin

Florida beats NC State on a miracle three-quarter-court heave.  Ghost-Jim Valvano just choked on his ghost-pasta.

7.  Scary Places Presents:  Inside the Mind of Gilbert Arenas

Twitter has brought pro athletes closer to their fans.  It has also brought us closer to understanding that some athletes are incredibly disturbed individuals who probably shouldn’t be sharing their stream-of-consciousness.  Oh, Gilbert Arenas, you’re just misunderstood, is that it?  Of course, I get it, the media blow things out of proportion.  You and Javaris Crittendon pulling guns on each other was not what it appeared.  You will let us all in on what really happened, as soon as the other voices shut up and let you figure it out.

8.  This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Craniums

Pat White’s skull had a bad Sunday.  Sadly, those magic dent-popper-outer things they sell on TV don’t work on bone.

9.  Colts Fans Would Like to Formally Apologize to Bill Polian.  Now They Get the Whole Pulling Starters Early Thing.

Wes Welker is scrappy.  Unfortunately, his knee ligaments are not extra-stretchy.  It’s not as if the Patriots would like having the leading receiver in the NFL on the field for the playoffs or anything.

10.  I’ve Got Two Tickets to Paradise.  And I Would Use Them if Only My Bursitis Would Let Up.

Corey Hart, Tommy Tutone and the J. Geils Band were otherwise engaged, so the Liberty Bowl had to settle for Eddie Money as its halftime performer.

Further Reading:

NFL Playoffs Wild Card Round Schedule, Announcers, Spreads and Picks

Chris Myers Thinks the Lions Are Failed Terrorists

Iranian Soccer Official Loses Job Over New Year’s Email to Israel

College Basketball Timeout = NASCAR Pit Stop

How Lovie Smith’s Cover-2 Went from Smiley Face to Frowny Face in 2 Short Years

In Alabama, Football is Above the Law

Chris Johnson Fails to Run for 2010 Yards

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  The Shocking Video That Proves There is Indeed a Small, Dark Room at Texas Tech

I, like most people, was inclined initially to feel sympathy for Texas Tech player Adam James, and assume that Mike Leach was some kind of monster made up of one part Bobby Knight, one party Woody Hayes and one part Strother Martin from Cool Hand Luke.  But, as the story has played out, my inclination has veered more toward thinking James is a spoiled asshat and Leach got a raw deal.  This video cinched it for me.  James is nothing but a silly drama queen and silly drama queens should all have to go sit in the little room where the creepy janitor hides his kiddie porn.

2.  Shaq Raises the Birthday Present Bar on LeBron

I have no idea what LeBron James was planning on getting Shaq when his birthday rolls around, but he’s going to have to up his price ceiling to match what Shaq got him when he turned 25 on Thursday:  a brand-new $430,000 Rolls-Royce Phantom.   “Wow, thanks Shaq.  The red one was all I needed to complete the set!  You’re the best plodding, washed-up center an over-exposed, arrogant punk superstar ever had.”

3. I Started Counting the Ways This Can’t be a Good Idea, but Got Tired at 1,544

End-of-the-world nuts have long known that an asteroid called Apophis is scheduled to possibly hit earth in the year 2029.  Most of the world is content to just sit there and wait for the horror to rain down from the skies, but not the Russians, who are planning a mission to bump the asteroid with a spacecraft, altering its orbit enough for it to safely miss earth.  The concern, voiced by numerous MIT rejects on Slashdot, is that the Russians could miscalculate and actually nudge the giant space rock into a collision course with our fragile planet.  In which case they would have no choice but to send Ivan Drago up to save humanity once again by pulverizing Apophis with his fists.

4.  His Last Few Brain Cells are Already Drawing Up Their Wills

Brain damaged boxer Evander Holyfield couldn’t get anyone from a modern, industrialized country to let him fight Francois Botha, so for Evander to sacrifice the remainder of his functioning brain tissue for the sake of a pay day, he and Botha have to go to Uganda.  Yes, I looked it up, it’s a real country.  Don’t know if there are any real Ugandan headhunters.

5.  Yes, But Could They Throw Poo?

Once upon a time in Africa, there existed a Hominids that, judging by the bone fragments they left behind, had skulls large enough to house forebrains 50% larger than those of modern humans, leading scientists to believe the average IQ of these ancient creatures was much higher than ours.  Unfortunately, these Boskops as they are known ended up going extinct, proving once and for all that it’s better to be stupid.  So, you win FoxNews.

6.  Hopefully He Won’t be a Douche About it Like Ben Kingsley

Patrick Stewart aka Jean-Luc Picard aka The Guy From the X-Men Movies is set to be knighted by Queen Elizabeth.  It sounds like a big deal I know, but actually, I’ve heard it’s really not that great.  You get a little tag that lets you park in special Knight spots, and you can eat for half-price at Applebees (weird, cause I don’t think they even have those in England).  Other than that, it’s just a chance to be all snooty and make people call you “Sir.”

7.  This Has to be Hillary Clinton’s Doing, Somehow

Pompous right-wing radio host Rush Limbaugh is reportedly “resting comfortably” after experiencing chest pains while on vacation in Hawaii.  There’s nothing I can say here that won’t be taken as a tasteless blast from a typical liberal jerkwad, so I’ll just say “Get well Rush” while stroking my Nancy Pelosi doll under the desk.

8.  Shut Up, Braylon

Out for 2010:  Idiots like Braylon Edwards guaranteeing victories.  In for 2010:  Idiots like Braylon Edwards having their lips sewn shut.

9.  8 Songs to Kiss 2009 Goodbye

It wasn’t so bad.  If you’re a tiny tree shrew living on some island far from the civilized world.  Otherwise it sucked ass.

10.  Happy New Year

Further Reading:

Jay Cutler Create a Caption: The Favre Moment

All-Decade Awards: Sports, Movies, Music, Models

The College Basketball Games of the Decade

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Pizza Fumes Can Make You Drunk, Apparently

Saints defense end Bobby McCray got arrested Tuesday morning in the wake of a speeding stop, and after refusing a breathalyzer test, was booked for drunk driving among other offenses.  Upon getting sprung, McCray used the magic of Twitter to tell the world he wasn’t drunk at the time of his arrest, and that the worst thing he could be accused of was driving with a pizza.  He also made some mention of hiring a bunch of lawyers.  I’m guessing the meeting with the lawyers has since taken place, because the Twitter account is now gone.  I’ll be curious to see how that pizza thing works out in court.

2.  The Other Side of the Mike Leach Controversy:  Leach is a Hard-Nosed Coach, Adam James is a Big Baby

Mike Leach’s former players are coming out to defend him in the wake of his suspension for allegedly mistreating player Adam James, the son of ESPN’s Craig James.  One pro-Leach statement, from former Texas Tech O-lineman and current Tennessee Titan Daniel Loper, characterizes complainant James as a prima donna who needs to man up and learn to deal with being humiliated by his coach.  And others suggest that none of this would’ve become an issue had James had a different father.  I only know one thing:  Mike Leach looks like the kind of creep who might very well lock a dude up in a dungeon for bizarre reasons, therefore he must be guilty.

3.  At Last, a Politician Who is Willing to Pander

Indianapolis councilman Beurt SerVaas thinks Colts fans got screwed by their team when they lifted their starters against the Jets, and has drafted a resolution that would ask the NFL to refund the money.  This idea was immediately picked up by city leaders in Detroit, who are now going to demand the Lions give everyone their money back for every game played since 1957.

4.  He Should Change His Name to Fabio

Chad Ochocinco, shirtless and in flak jacket, doing a shoot for Urban Ink magazine.  Nah, he’s not a fame-whore.

5.  Someone Should Sue Him for that God-Awful Cubs Song

Eddie Vedder has been sued by obscure Canadian musician Indio over the tune “Hard Sun,” which was apparently originated by Indio in 1987, and had the words changed by Mr. Vedder when he recorded it for the soundtrack to Into the Wild.  Indio’s assertion is that Vedder “eroded the integrity of the original composition” when he messed with the song.  You know what else he did, Indio?  Made me and lots of other people aware of your existence.  So, perhaps, instead of a lawsuit, you should offer Mr. Vedder your gratitude.  Canadian jerk.

6.  Okay Larry, But That Still Doesn’t Explain the Stains

Things went very wrong between the charity Feed the Children and its founder Larry Jones at some point, resulting in Larry’s firing, a lawsuit by Larry against the charity and a countersuit against Larry full of all kinds of fun allegations.  My favorite among the accusations leveled against Jones?  That he used the Feed the Children headquarters as a place to hide his hardcore porn magazine collection.  What makes it even more fun is Larry’s explanation for the stash:  that he was doing research for a book on AIDS in Africa to be called “The Zipper Disease.”  Jeez Larry, what kind of freaky porn was that?

7.  ‘09 Music Mash-Up

The worst auto-tune-laden crap of 2009, all mashed together.  Kanye, Beyonce and Taylor Swift in the same video?  And the world didn’t explode?

8.  The Year in Sports Pseudo-Journalism

A collection of some of 2009’s best sports blog posts.

9.  This Makes Me Want to Give Back…My Breakfast

Brighten your day by watching this video imploring Purdue alumni to give back.  Makes me glad I never went to Purdue, or any other college.  (via Midwest Sports Fans)

10.   Random Kinks Clip in the 10 Slot

“Come Dancing”

Further Reading:

The Top 10 Worst Things of the Decade

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Milton Bradley

2010 Winter Olympics Ice Hockey Preview

Dick Vitale Gets a T.O. Baby

10 Goofy Commercials With Pro Athletes

Waiting for Godunk: ‘Tis the Season

Tale of the Tape: Tiger Woods v. Alex Rodriguez

Tyrus Thomas Filthy Put Back Dunk

Two More Reasons to Hate Colts Fans

North Shore > Jersey Shore

Sixth Man of the Day: Danilo Gallinari

A Decade of Oakland Raiders Football

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Week 16 NFL Headlines

Vernon Davis Goes into Stands, Returns With Strange Woman’s Phone Number

A Senior Moment:  Missed Field Goal Sends Tom Benson into Unfortunate Celebratory Frenzy

Packers and Seahawks Re-Enact Jon Gosselin Apartment Ransacking; Seahawks Play Apartment

Egg-Laying Ceremony Marks Final Giants Game at Venerable Stadium

Boozy Foreigner Boots 61-Yard Field Goal; Glenn Beck Probably Outraged

Colts to World: “Undefeated Schmundefeated”

The AFC Playoff Picture: Like a Season of Lost Only More Absurdly Convoluted

2.  JFK Enjoyed Being JFK.  Until That Whole Getting Shot in the Head Thing.  Then He Probably Wished He Was Teddy.

A photograph has surfaced that appears to show a pre-presidential John F. Kennedy lounging on a boat full of naked babes while on vacation in the Mediterranean.  The ick angle comes in when we learn that, at the same time Kennedy was allegedly enjoying this frolic, wife Jackie was in the hospital giving birth to a stillborn child.  The confusing, over-the-top, full-of-shit Oliver Stone movie based on the photograph is slated for release some time in 2014.

3.  Florida Will Miss You, Urban Meyer.  When You Finally Decide to Leave.

Urban Meyer shocked the sports world on Saturday when he announced that he was being forced out of his Florida Gators head coaching job by a serious health problem.  A day later, Meyer slightly irritated the very same sports world by revealing that he had changed his mind about the severity of his condition and planned on returning to the sidelines after a leave of absence.  No Urban…you’re supposed to collect a bunch of retirement gifts then flip-flop.  Did you learn nothing from Michael Jordan?

4. Gravity Goes All Ron Artest on Ron Artest

Lakers star Ron Artest will miss Monday night’s game after suffering a concussion at his home.  This is not a very funny story until you add in one little detail:  that Artest got the concussion because he tripped over a box and fell down some stairs.  Now it’s hilarious, right?

5.  Tyra Banks, Still Copying Oprah

Daytime TV hostess Tyra Banks has announced that she is ending her show after the current season.  For her final episode, she will berate her interns one last time, and present a special gift to the lady who kept her hair looking so shiny these last five years.  All while unsuccessfully feigning sincerity.

6.  Was He Wearing Hanes Comfort Cool Boxer Briefs When He Did it?

Charlie Sheen’s wife Brooke Mueller claims the actor threatened her with a knife during the Christmas day domestic dispute that ended with Charlie getting chucked in jail.  Who would’ve thought a man who was once married to Denise Richards could be capable of violence?

7.  Dead Man Still Walking

The Chicago Bulls plan on firing embattled coach Vinny Del Negro…as soon as they find someone willing to take his place.  Forget about Doug Collins, who would rather coach a rugby team composed entirely of unfed chimpanzees.  If the Bulls had any sense of humor at all they’d let Joakim Noah be the player-coach.

8.  Someone Stole the Butt-Covering Part from Rihanna’s Bathing Suit

Yes Rihanna, we see you.

9.  Down Goes the Lake Champlain Bridge.  Down Goes the Lake Champlain Bridge.

Who doesn’t like video of giant stuff being destroyed?  Besides you, Party-Pooper Bill.

10.  Where Are They Now:  Matti Nykanen

Where is four-time Olympic ski jumping champion Matti Nykanen?  He’s sitting in a jail in Finland after being arrested for attempting to kill his wife on Christmas Day.  “You know how much I hate egg nog!  Plus I’m Finnish so I’m pissed off all the time anyway.  Take that and that and that!”

Further Reading:

Can You Find 10 Bears You Really Want to Keep?

The Pete Carroll Game

Why Mike Holmgren Will Fail in Cleveland

MMA Knockouts of the Year

Ana Ivanovic, Fake Rocks, Over-Stimulated Seal

MNF Preview: Vikings v. Bears

2009’s Most Unforgettable Sports Moments

The 10 Worst Muppets

Apparently Baseball is a Business

Eagle Eye Observations: Week 16

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  I Don’t Think He’s Going to be Able to Walk That One Off

Add Texas A&M’s Derrick Roland to the list of athletes who’ve gruesomely snapped a limb on-camera.  He’s lucky he’s not a horse or he’d be at the rendering plant by now.

2.  It’s About Time Pro Athletes Got Their Fair Share of Paparazzi Harassment

Famed celebrity gossip shithole TMZ is launching its own sports site, which will bear the uber-creative name “TMZ Sports.”  The new site is expected to focus on athlete legal problems, moral lapses and general embarrassments.  Oh, and pictures of their girlfriends in bikinis.  In other words, it will be SportsByBrooks with a budget.  And a modicum of journalistic credibility.

3.  When Was She Planning on Telling the Rest of Us?

LPGA golfer Helen Alfredsson, who is Swedish like Elin Nordegren but not nearly as hot, says she has known about Tiger Woods‘ infidelities since last summer’s British Open.  So, Helen Alfredsson has some great sources, apparently.  Either that or she can see the future, in which case, she needs to be immediately kidnapped for use in an ethically dubious crime fighting plan.

4.  Thank You for the Touching Tribute.  Now Pay Me My Money, Suckas.

Chicago grocery chains Jewel and Dominick’s thought it would be cool to pay tribute to Michael Jordan in ads they bought in a recent SI special issue commemorating the basketball great’s induction into the Hall-of-Fame.  Unfortunately, when Michael’s people discovered the ads used Michael’s name and an image of a shoe suspiciously similar to an Air Jordan, they saw not a touching salute but an opportunity for a lawsuit.  Welcome to the “Michael Jordan Will Never Forget the Way You Fucked Him” list, Jewel and Dominick’s.

5.  More Proof That Crowd Shots are a Plague Worse than the Black Death Ever Thought of Being

Annoying little pinheaded kid flips off the camera during a Villanova/Fordham basketball game; dad isn’t amused.  So much less adorable than the little girl throwing the ball back, mostly because it ends in borderline child abuse.

6.  Did You Know You Have a Knife in Your Chest?  Oh, Okay.  So That’ll be Decaff?

Folks enjoying a warming cup o’ joe at Bray’s Diner in chilly Hazel Park, Michigan Sunday night were treated to a rare spectacle:  a man walking in and ordering coffee with a 5-inch knife sticking from his chest.  Cops say the man called 911 at a payphone, said he’d gotten stabbed during a robbery and informed them he would wait for the ambulance inside the diner where it was warm.  It sounds like the set-up for an SNL bit, doesn’t it?  “Mr. Doesn’t Care That He Has a Knife in His Chest.”  It’s no funnier here than it would be on SNL.

7.  Now You Can Both Titillate and Piss Off Glenn Beck…Simultaneously

A Danish company has invented a dress that changes color in response to carbon dioxide levels in the air, and branded it the “Climate Dress” (because calling it the Al Gore would’ve brought up all sorts of legal issues).  It’s the perfect gift for the woman who has everything except a dress that both flatters her hips and tells the world you won’t be fucking her unless you own a Prius.

8.  A Sneak Peak at the Crap You’ll be Getting Dragged to Next Summer Whether You Like it Or Not

They’ll keep churning out these movies until they morph into Golden Girls in Manhattan.

9.  Happy Birthday to the Anti-Lance Armstrong

Someone, somewhere cared enough about three-time Tour de France last-place finisher Wim Vansevenant to wish him a happy birthday.  I personally think he finished last three times on purpose, just so he could be sort of famous.

10.  Coming Soon to a Corny Kay Jewelers Commercial Near You…

Jeff Fisher and Vince Young shared an on-field snuggle during Tennessee’s weekend win.  I think it’s lovely when men display affection so openly.  As long as it ends before TMZ posts shocking photos.

Further Reading:

Vote Gerald Wallace

Waiting for Godunk: On Coaching, the Big Dance and Smelly Frenchmen

Blackhawks Legend Stan Mikita Hit by Identity Theft

The Last Second Holiday Gift Guide

College Football Hit of the Year

Rampage Jackson and the A-Team Comic Book

Firing a Head Coach – A Bulls Christmas Eve Tradition

Recent Tweets You May Have Missed: Vinny Del Negro, Jimmie Johnson, Jamie-Lynn Sigler

Fantasy Football Fiasco – Week 15

Max Talbot is a Pool Boy, Now

10 Collegians on US Roster for World Juniors

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Red Hot Chilly

The world saw Brad Childress and Brett Favre’s awkward body language on the sidelines during the Vikings‘ undressing at the hands of Carolina.  What the world didn’t see:  Chilly reaming his offense at halftime, and after the game, taking Favre aside and giving him his own personal tongue-lashing.  Somewhere, Ted Thompson is smiling.  And it’s not because he’s thinking about all the awesome new sweaters he’s getting for Christmas.

2.  Sometimes, Carrying on the Family Tradition is Admirable.  And Then There’s What Chip Caray is Doing…

Days after being dumped by TBS, Chip Caray has scored himself a new gig announcing Braves games for FOX Sports South. Guess that gay porn career will have to wait a little while longer.

3.  The Phoenix Suns Team Bus…Where Hilarious Happens (via Bootlegger Sports)

Steve Nash is the Spike Jonze of the NBA.  And Leandro Barbosa is the Stevie Nicks.

4.  Watching Football De-Evolve Before Our Very Eyes (via Detroit4Lyfe)

It takes a team as hideous as the Redskins to devise a fake field goal play as wretched as this one, and execute it so atrociously.  I’m emptying the thesaurus today.

5.  The Mike Holmgren Football Cities With Miserable Weather Tour Continues

The Cleveland Browns have a new head of football operations, and his name is Mike Holmgren.  For those not familiar with Holmgren’s work:  he was the head coach in Green Bay when Brett Favre was young and not-yet-gray, then he went to Seattle and made it to the Super Bowl despite being coach of the Seahawks.  Basically, he’s the Larry Brown of the NFL…the guy who makes winners out of previously moribund franchises.  And if he is successful in resurrecting the Browns, just call him Dr. Frankenstein.

6.  This is Why You Shouldn’t Let Your Children Watch Sharon Stone Movies

Missouri teenager Caitlen Watkins has been charged with first-degree assault and armed criminal action after allegedly stabbing a man six times with an ice pick in a dispute over a parking space.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  If you’re going to throw down over a parking spot, you gotta come hard, and don’t be fooled if the other guy is a slightly built, waifish teen girl.  Beneath that innocent facade lurks a cold-blooded killer, who will like totally fuck you up.

7.  Dakota Fanning is Out of Her Tween Period

The Runaways teaser trailer, featuring Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett, Dakota Fanning as a chick named Cherie.

8.  Wanton Misuse of 911, the My Son Won’t Stop Playing Video Games Edition

A Boston woman wins this week’s Wanton Misuse of 911 Award for calling the police because her 14-year-old son wouldn’t stop playing Grand Theft Auto.  Yes, the police actually showed up.  No, the kid did not go crazy on them with a giant purple dildo.

9.  Dick Cheney Surfaces, Rings Opening Bell at NYSE

Black is slimming.

10.  Random Kinks Clip in the 10 Slot

“Apeman”

Further Reading:

Cowboys Ditch Folk

Cheesesteak of the Week

Sidelion Report Podcast: Brittany Murphy, Cardinals/Lions, Curtis Granderson

Giants-Redskins Fight

Fantasy Football Week 16: Start Em, Sit Em Projections

New Sheriff in Town: Tyreke Evans

Great Moments in Unlicensed Pittsburgh Sports Merchandise: Red Wing Fail

Top 5 Dunks of the Decade

How to Shit the Bed by Vinny Del Negro

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  10 Things I Learned from Week 15 of the NFL

1.  It’s Brett Favre’s world.  Brad Childress is only living in it.

2.  Michael Turner likes his ankle and would prefer teams not try to injure it on purpose.

3.  Ben Roethlisberger and Y.A. Tittle now have more in common than just names that are hard to remember how to spell.

4.  JaMarcus Russell may suck like nobody’s business, but he’s still better than fricking J.P. Losman.

5.  No wonder Randy Moss always looks listless and out-of-sorts during games.  He’s tired from holding the earth on his shoulders.

6.  I guess that late-season Jay Cutler turnaround isn’t coming.

7.  The Cowboys playoff train is ready to leave the station, and Nick Folk is standing on the platform waiting for someone to toss him his luggage and possibly cab fare.

8.  There’s this guy named Jerome Harrison who plays for the Browns, who has now rushed for more yards in a single day than anyone who ever played for the Browns, including that guy who was in The Dirty Dozen.

9.  The Eagles losing Michael Vick is like the Duke family losing Vance.  It’s like Antonio Alfonseca losing one of his extra fingers.  It’s like Europe losing Luxembourg.  It’s like the Rolling Stones losing Ron Wood.  I think the Eagles will be able to muddle through, is what I’m saying.

10.  Terrell Owens is looking forward to his future as a wide receiver for someone other than the Bills.  The feeling is mutual, I’m sure.

2.  And He Never Even Played in the NBA

Thanks to Dan LeBatard, the world now knows that Dennis Rodman’s father was named Philander, and that Dennis has 26 siblings of at least the half-sibling variety.  The next mystery I’d like cleared up:  what exactly is that oily substance LeBatard secretes when the TV lights shine on his skin?

3.  Asthon Kutcher isn’t the Only One Who Abuses Twitter

Magic star Dwight Howard is suing his ex to keep her from posting pictures of their son Braylon on Twitter. I wish I could sue someone to stop them from putting Stan Van Gundy on TV.  Then maybe the nightmares would go away.

4.  I Thought That Kind of Stuff Only Happened in the Lingerie Football League (via Awful Announcing)

Embarrassing pant-loss episodes…they’re not just for gym class anymore.

5.  How Does the Church Feel About Dine-and-Dash?  Driving Off Without Paying for Gas?  Liquor Store Hold-Ups?

A priest in England is under fire after telling the destitute members of his congregation that it’s okay for them to resort to shoplifting.  In related news, Winona Ryder just joined the Church of England. (You can have that one for free Conan)

6.  I Apologize to Tila Tequila.  She is Good for Something After All.

Tila Tequila announced on Twitter that she is pregnant.  Thankfully for the child, Tila does not plan on raising it herself, but is acting as a surrogate for her brother and his wife.  Please God, tell me her brother didn’t donate the sperm.

7.  One Thing You Won’t See on the Streets of Laredo:  A Bookstore

Residents of Laredo, Texas, population 176,576, will soon have to drive 150 miles to San Antonio if they want to buy a book, unless someone figures out a way to keep the city’s only bookstore from closing its doors.  I know, I was shocked too:  they have books in Texas?

8.  Betty Draper Did Not Fly Off into the Sunset

Mad Men creator Matt Weiner revealed in an interview that January Jones‘ contract has been renewed, shooting down all those rumors that Betty Draper would no longer be a part of the Mad Men universe.  No word yet on whether January’s riding pants have also been re-upped.  But I’m hopeful.

9.  She’s Waiting for the Bimbometer to Hit 20.  Then She’s Gone.  Probably.

Sources close to Elin Nordegren say she still hasn’t made up her mind whether to leave husband Tiger Woods.  Tiger would like to know how many hos he has to screw before the dumb broad gets the hint that he would prefer her to pack up her stuff and go back to Lappland or wherever the hell she’s from.

10.  I Found Someone More Evil Than Those People from Jersey Shore

Workers at an Orlando daycare center were left with an indelible impression of the depths to which the human soul can sink when they arrived at work Friday morning to discover someone had stolen all their Christmas stuff, including the tree, the presents they had for the kids and the turkey.  Hey, doesn’t Tiger live down there?  Here’s a chance at redemption Eldrick.  Don’t mess it up.

Further Reading:

Jerome Harrison: Underwhelming to Undrafted Fantasy Keeper

The Decade’s 10 Worst Sports Media Personnel Moves

The Perfect Gift for the Family Drunk

Pete Vuckovich MLB HOF Mustache

Take Two: Cavs Take On Suns

Sheffield Wants Back

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Billy Zane Isn’t in it?  It’s Already Better Than Titanic.

I don’t need to tell all you plugged-in pop culture mavens, but, James Cameron’s Avatar is out everywhere today, in mindblowing IMAX 3D (assuming you live where they have one of those IMAX places; for the rest of us it’s just a regular movie full of blue people and foliage).  Here’s a review, in case you need more information to make an informed choice.  My condolences to Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant whose new movie Did You Hear About the Morgans? is also out today.  I’m sure a few people will catch it on Starz eventually.

2.  Jay Feely Knows All About Living on the Brink of Destruction, Having Once Been a Kicker for a Bill Parcells Team

Kicker Jay Feely got heat for what some perceived as insensitive tweets about Chris Henry in the immediate aftermath of the receiver’s unfortunate apparent suicide.  “You can’t live on the brink of destruction without inevitably falling off the ledge,” Feely opined, bringing the wrath of tens of fellow Twitterland denizens.  As I always say, you can’t tweet your mind without inevitably pissing off the armchair thought police, who will not be shy about letting you know what a hard-hearted fuck you are.

3.  Say Goodbye to Royce White, Minnesota.  And Royce White, Say Goodbye to Reality.

Minnesota Golden Gophers basketball recruit Royce White has quit the team rather than face the heat of an investigation over a stolen laptop.  Rather than let the media tell his story for him, Royce has decided to be proactive and release his own “last interview” on YouTube, complete with low-end production values.  Stephon Marbury comparisons are inevitable, but not valid.  Cause at least Starbury accomplished something as a player before becoming batshit.

4.  Bob Knight Reminds Us Why We Sometimes Like Him in Spite of Ourselves

As an in-studio analyst on ESPN, he has been nondescript (unless you really enjoy his chummy banter with Digger Phelps).  As an in-game color man, he has been downright horrible (yes, we know Bobby, help defense is very very important).  However, Bob Knight is not entirely useless as a commentator, as long as he is willing to do fun stuff like rip John Calipari a shiny new asshole.  Now if he would just say that kind of stuff during telecasts, instead of saving it for personal appearances, we might have reason to lay off the mute button.

5.  Now He Knows How Dillinger Felt When He Realized the Guy Behind Him Was a Pistol-Packing G-Man

Reports say the Washington Redskins are making goo-goo eyes at former Broncos coach Mike Shanahan, this one day after the Skins let go GM Vinny Cerrato and replaced him with former Bucs GM Bruce Allen.  Don’t despair, Jim Zorn.  They could still change their minds at the last minute and decide to keep you.  No, I’m playing…you’re gone, hoss.  Seriously, why not just clear your desk out now and get a headstart on life after relevance?

6.  Dwyane Wade is a Duke-Hater Hero (via NESW Sports)

People who despise J.J. Reddick (for all those irrational reasons) probably enjoyed this block of his weak-ass former-Dukie lay-up by Dwyane Wade.

7.  All Fairy Tales End.  And So Do All Nightmares.

The judge has signed the papers officially dissolving the marriage of Jon and Kate Gosselin.  Now they’re just two regular unmarried people hating on each other in the press while claiming they want their privacy.

8.  The Most Hideous Shoes I’ve Ever Seen.  And I’ve Seen Those High-Heeled Jordans.

The new Kevin Durant Nikes…for everyone who’s ever dreamed of having shoes the same color as a really bad spray-on tan.

9.  The Prada Store?

I never had any particularly negative feelings toward Maurice Jones-Drew…until he unleashed the weakest touchdown celebration in the history of the universe.

10.  An End-of-the-Decade List for the Cheater-Hater in All of Us

Chronicles of Scott unveils the top cheaters of the decade.  Bob Knight would like to take issue with the exclusion of Mr. Calipari.

Further Reading:

Colts Remain Undefeated

WOXY’s Best of SXSW 2009

The Consol Energy Center Probably Won’t be So Cramped

All I Want for Christmas is the Air Jordan XI

10 Dumbest Moments in TV Game Show History

It’s Hard to See She’s Crying When She Spends Her Days in Water

Richie Incognito Lands in Buffalo

Tiger Woods: Bigger Than 9/11?

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1. Evidently, John Ritter’s Creepy Brother is Now the GM of the Redskins

The Washington Redskins have a new general manager, Bruce Allen, who takes over for the recently-departed Vinny Cerrato (and by “recently” I mean about five minutes ago).  Allen’s first task?  Pretending to evaluate Jim Zorn for the rest of the season, to make it look like the organization didn’t already have its mind made up to can him.  Head coaching candidates for next season could include Jon Gruden, whose departure from MNF would be devastating news for fans of scratchy movies of him in gay shorts playing catch with Brett Favre.

2.  Cause the Tiger Woods Saga Didn’t Have Enough Bimbos

Tabloid buffoons have managed to drag poor Jessica Simpson into the Tiger Woods mess, by “reporting” that the busty karaoke singer exchanged texts with Tiger after flirting with him at a golf tournament.  A sure sign that the Tiger story is running out of steam:  people are attempting to draw connections between him and random famous floozies.  He’ll be linked to at least one Kardashian by the end of the day.

3.  When They Say “War on Drugs” in Mexico, They Mean “War on Drugs”

Arturo Beltran Leyva, the “boss of bosses” among Mexican drug kingpins, is dead after a two-hour gun battle with Mexican Navy marines.  Reports say the Marines rappelled from helicopters onto the roof of Leyva’s apartment building at dusk and commenced fucking the place up with grenades and machine gun fire until pretty much everyone was dead, including one guy who jumped from a window.  Pretty awesome.  Too bad it won’t put so much as a dent in the illegal drug trade.

4.  Somebody Get Joseph a Tantric Sex Guide

Christians in New Zealand are angry about a billboard depicting Joseph and Mary looking unhappy in bed, with the caption, “Poor Joseph.  God was a hard act to follow.”  No, the billboard was not erected by snarky atheists; it was actually put up by a local Anglican church which claims it was trying to stir conversation about the meaning of Christmas.  All it stirred was conversation about the best ways to vandalize an Anglican church.

5.  Tennessee, the Land of Drunken Four-Year-Old Cross-Dressing Kleptomaniacs

Hayden Wright is the world’s most famous beer-swilling four-year-old drag-queen, after cops found him wandering the streets of Chattanooga at 1 in the morning drunk on beer and wearing a dress he stole from under a neighbor’s Christmas tree.  Adding a heartwarming family touch to the story is Hayden’s mommy’s quote about why he broke out of the house in the middle of the night:  “He runs away trying to find his father.  He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that’s where his daddy is.”  Of course.

6.  Nerd Warfare:  It’s On, Bitches

The US military is concerned about the future effectiveness of drone aircraft missions after some Iraqi geeks used software purchased off the web for 30 bucks to intercept the video feed coming off an unmanned Predator.  Because the US is the US, it will try to solve this problem by illegally breaking into everyone’s computer to see who has this software, then throwing all of them into jail where they will sit without being charged for years, getting angrier and angrier.  While the people who actually did the hacking run around free because no one can find them.

7.  Sorry Bucks, But, You’re Still the Bucks, and I’m Still Kobe Bryant (via: Bareknucks.com)

8.  Monkeys Move Beyond Poop-Throwing, World Trembles

Chinese martial arts expert Lu Wung thought it would be hilarious, not to mention profitable, to teach some monkeys taekwondo and take them out on tour.  Everything went fine, until the monkeys turned on Lu Wung during a show and beat the hell out of him.  One monkey even got hold of Lu Wung’s fighting stick and hit him over the head.  Amazingly, it gets weirder:  After Lu Wung finally used his human guile and a rope to subdue the unruly primates, the battered trainer tied their hands and forced them to kneel “to punish them and make them show remorse for their nasty attack.”  And people told me my plan to train an army of ninja monkeys and conquer the world was insane.  Well what do you think of it now haters?

9.  Electric Whips?

10.  Don Chavez Makes Fun of Tori Spelling

Cause that’s what Don Chavez does.

Further Reading:

Crimson Tide Represents

OMG Responsible Sportswriting LOLZ

Cris Cyborg Might Pose for Playboy

7 Awesome Songs from Fight Scenes

SLR Podcast: Tiger Woods, Lions/Ravens

Is Kansas State for Real?

RIP Chris Henry

Jim Leyland MLB Mustache HOF

Naturally Ronaldinho is the Best

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Once Again, I Got Robbed

Time has named Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke its Person of the Year for 2009.  “He’s shy,” notes the magazine’s profile.  “He doesn’t do the D.C. dinner-party circuit; he prefers to eat at home with his wife, who still makes him do the dishes and take out the trash. Then they do crosswords or read. Because Ben Bernanke is a nerd.  He just happens to be the most powerful nerd on the planet.”  Suck my pocket protector, Alpha Betas.

2.  Charissa Thompson Would Still Kill to be Her

Poor harried Erin Andrews was in attendance yesterday as her confessed videotape stalker Michael David Barrett pleaded guilty.  In a statement to the judge, Andrews said she suffers from nightmares and paranoia, and is subjected to vicious heckling by non-evolved fans while working at sporting events.  The good news is, ever since she became damaged goods, Lee Corso stopped calling her in the middle of the night to tell her all about his beach house in Fiji.

3.  Today in Mathematical Certainties:  Other Athletes Becoming Tied to Tiger’s Mistresses

RadarOnline has unearthed a picture of Charles Barkley with confirmed Tigerette Jamie Jungers.  They’re not doing anything in the picture, but, because she’s one of Tiger’s mistresses, and Chuck is Chuck, I am obligated to insinuate that they had sex.

4.  Pope Turns His Back on Irrationality, Sides With Al Gore

Pope Benedict, in a statement to all of humanity (yes, even you Sarah Palin), called upon the developed nations of the world to stop ruining God’s green earth with their vile carbon emissions and other pollutants.  In the same statement, the Pontiff also implored rich countries to give up their evil consumerism and return to the simple ways of the past.  You know, witch-burning and believing the sun goes around the earth.  That good stuff.

5.  Toothpick Technology, Much Like Mustache Grooming, Has Gone Backward Since the 1800s

An anonymous buyer paid nearly $10,000 at auction to acquire a toothpick that once belonged to Charles Dickens.  The toothpick, far from being one of today’s mere disposable wooden implements, has a fancy gold pointy end and an ivory handle engraved with the famed Tale of Two Cities author’s name.  The next time you feel guilty about the tree that had to die so you could dislodge the crud from between your teeth, imagine that, instead of a tree, it was a gold-mining slave and an elephant.

6.  As Far Back as I Can Remember, I’ve Always Wanted to be a Pathetic Old Drunken Stoolie

Ex-mobster and no-longer-protected FBI informant Henry Hill, the man made famous by Martin Scorsese’s classic movie Goodfellas, found himself back in jail Sunday after getting into a drunken scuffle at a hotel in Fairview Heights, Illinois.  I wonder how the noodles and ketchup are there at the jail in Fairview Heights.

7.  Shut Up, Commies

Faculty members at the University of Texas have risen up in vociferous outrage against the $2 million raise the school just gave head football coach Mack Brown.  These people realize they live in Texas right?  Where football is a religion, and learning is for pinheads who like getting duct-taped to fenceposts and pelted with beer bottles?

8.  What’s Worse Than Bill Walton Rapping?  How About Toby Keith and Will Smith Profaning The Sugarhill Gang? I’m all for the races coming together, but not like this.

9.  Beats the Old Driving-Over-the-Train-Tracks Method

Chilean Olympic weightlifter Elizabeth Poblete got a little surprise while training at a gym in her adopted home country of Brazil earlier this month:  a baby.  Apparently, Poblete had been pregnant for six months without realizing it, and while squatting…well, you can imagine the rest.  Or maybe you don’t want to.

10.  Today in Crap the World Doesn’t Need:  Motorcycle With Rocket Launchers (via: TechEBlog)

Further Reading:

Top 10 Sports Villains of the Decade

Waiting for Godunk: I’m Tall, I Get it

5 Killer MMA Knockouts

Is DeSean Jackson MVP Material?

The History of Tekken

Chicago Loses Top MMA Promotion

When Athletes Cuss

What’s Next for Toby Gerhart?

J.P. Losman is Latest Bust in the Bay

Shannon Brown’s Fast Break Jam

Turk Returns to Orlando

1o Biggest Assholes of the Decade

The Daily Dunk

That’s Not Mario Lemieux

Who is Josh Klinghoffer?

Xavier Henry or John Wall?

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  It’s too Bad Meryl Streep Can’t Get Any Love from the Press

The Golden Globe nominations have been announced, marking the official beginning of awards season, or as I like to call it, a two-month-long orgy of self-congratulation and hot women dressing up like prom queens from hell…and everyone licking Meryl Streep like a giant white taffeta-draped Popsicle.  The good news?  Mickey Rourke isn’t up for anything, meaning we won’t have to watch him blubber about his dead dog.  If Oprah pushes this movie Precious through like she did Barack Obama, it is a lock for best picture.  I’d prefer to see Inglourious Basterds win, cause I’m a sucker for bad spelling, Eli Roth’s eyeliner and incredibly tense dialogue scenes centered around strudels.

2.  He Always Thought of His Hos as Members of the Family

Everyone on earth was fooled by Tiger Woods‘ carefully-maintained squeaky-clean family man image…including, apparently, Tiger himself.

3.  Jesus Punks His Roommate Kurt Warner

The Cardinals continued their season-long trend of following up success with sucking by losing to the 49ers.  Seven turnovers?  I know everyone’s in a charitable mood this time of the year, but you know, you could just drop a couple quarters into the Salvation Army thing.

4.  I Think Tim Kurkjian Just Had an Orgasm

The hot stove league is hotter than Lady Gaga’s flaming piano, thanks to news of an impending trade that would send Roy Halladay to the Phillies, Cliff Lee to the Mariners and some unlucky souls to the Blue Jays.  Who needs football, basketball and hockey when you have off-season baseball trade speculation?  Watching actual sporting events is for losers.

5.  I’m Sure He Did Feel Blessed…Right Up Until His Heart Exploded

A 75-year-old Nigerian man is dead after a reported hotel sex-romp with a 22-year-old woman sporting the unlikely name “Blessing.”  The woman has since been arrested.  Assisted suicide is illegal in Nigeria, I guess.

6.  Hockey, Much Like Old-Man Sex, is Bad for the Heart

Swedish hockey player Niklas Lihagen collapsed to the ice after a hit and went into cardiac arrest.  Rescue came in the form of a referee with CPR experience.  Dramatic video follows (cause just describing it would be lame).

7.  Kate Hudson Dismounts from the Centaur

Those whose lives are consumed with keeping track of the romantic travails of the rich and pretty are reporting that Alex Rodriguez and Kate Hudson have broken up.  “I’m leaving Alex.  You don’t love me anyway.  You only love yourself.  And your shiny coat which I will no longer be brushing for you.”

8.  Bill Walton Rapping (via: NESW Sports)

9.  From Now on, Tiger Will Only be Screwing Women Who Work for CBS

CBS golf analyst Ian Baker-Finch, in comments made ahead of a pro-am in his native Australia, revealed that he is under orders from the TV network not to make any remarks about Tiger Woods and his recent troubles.  “Mate,” uttered Baker-Finch, “if I say one word about Tiger I will get fired.”  Protecting your ratings meal-ticket by slapping gag orders on your employees:  a tradition unlike any other.

10. Random Kinks Clip in the 10 Slot:  “Waterloo Sunset”

Further Reading:

Cheesesteak of the Week

The Red Sox Are the New Yankees

10 Comical Scenes from Parking Wars

Andrew Bogut Buys Himself Some Fan Love

Merry Freaking Christmas, Cubs Fans

10 Must-See Christmas Horror Movies

Funniest Moment of the Week: Barack vs. Big Daddy Andy Reid

Say Goodbye to the Cowboys

Rihanna’s Boobs

Jim Leavitt is “Appalled” at Allegations He Got Physical With a Player

LOLNFL: Week 14

Fantasy Football Fiasco Week 14

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  10 Things I Learned from Week 14 of the NFL

1.  Leaving it all on the field remains a foreign concept to Randy Moss.

2.  The only thing lamer than the Cowboys‘ offense?  Their 3D scoreboard.

3.  Nothing can stop Brandon Marshall.  Except maybe a TV.

4.  For Lovie Smith, holiday generosity means giving away time outs.  Next time, Lovie, consider a fruit basket.

5.  Bills fans finally have something to get excited about:  their punter.

6.  Chris Johnson is the best thing to happen to Tennessee since the invention of moonshine.

7.  Even Jason Hanson sucks now, leaving Lions fans with nothing to cling to but their anger.

8.  Some fat men are surprisingly nimble, and then there’s Andy Reid.

9.  Marvin Lewis finally found the magic words to make Chad Ochocinco cool it on the celebrations.  Every party has a pooper, that’s why we invited Marvin.

10. If you thought sitting would help motivate JaMarcus Russell to get better, you just plain suck at thinking.

2.  The Italian Version of the Secret Service Must be Taking its Cues from the American Version

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was injured when a nut threw a metallic replica of Naples’ Duomo cathedral at his face during a political rally.  This video makes me wish Eddie Murphy was still on Saturday Night Live to do a “Buckwheat has been hit with a metallic replica of Naples’ Duomo Cathedral” bit.

3.  Robin Ficker is Rolling in His Grave.  Yes, He’s Dead.

Roy Williams‘ heckler tolerance level reached zero Saturday night at the Dean Dome after a Presbyterian fan started shouting at one of Williams’ players during a free throw attempt, leading to the ejection of said vociferous hoops devotee at Williams’ behest.  A point of clarification:  by “Presbyterian fan” I mean a fan of Presbyterian College, a South Carolina institute of higher learning whose athletic teams play under the nickname “Blue Hose,” not just a basketball fan who follows the Presbyterian faith, though if he’s a fan of Presbyterian College he probably is a Presbyterian too, none of which has anything to do with my original point, which was going to be that Roy Williams is a wanker and I hope he breaks his other arm and also his smug idiot face.

4.  Thanks Rick Reilly.  Now I Have to Root for Steve Williams to Knee You in the Groin.

Handsy caddy Steve Williams wants us to understand that he is merely an employee of Tiger Woods and therefore knows nothing about Tiger’s various and sundry liaisons with talkative women except what the rest of us know, which is already too much.  That being said, Steve wants us to also understand that Tiger remains his meal-ticket, meaning he will still rough up anyone who gets on his or Tiger’s nerves, including Rick Reilly.

5.  Wonder Who Taught Him That Wild Elbow Swing.  Couldn’t Have Been Kobe…

Seldom in my life have I spared a thought for Trevor Ariza, but today I did, and my thought was “What an asshole.”

6.  The Germans Are Way Ahead of Us in Unlocking the Deadly Potential of Salami.  But We Still Have Them Beat When it Comes to Knowing David Hasselhoff Sucks.

Two people from the German town of Aachen ended up in the hospital after a simple supermarket dispute escalated into all-out lunch meat-and-cheese warfare.  I think we’ve all experienced such a scenario at one time or another:  The store is crowded.  There’s only one cart left.  You think you’ve won possession of the precious cart, after wresting it away from a 74-year-old man, but then he bashes you in the head with a salami.   And then your enraged mother takes a razor-sharp hunk of Parmesan and tries to stab him.  Oh man, Seinfeld could do a whole bit.

7.  Can’t Imagine Why Anyone Would Object to This

Toyota Australia has been forced to yank an online ad for its Yaris line after complaints from people who read all sorts of naughty stuff into it.  Seems innocent enough to me.  Nice body on the car.

8.  How’s That Learning to Control Your Temper Thing Going, Chris?

Chris Brown is mad…not at Rihanna this time, but at retailers who refuse to stock his new album.  And just how incensed is Mr. Brown over this perceived diss?  Not only did he go the posting profane rants on Twitter route, he went the extra insane mile by personally hitting a Wal Mart in Connecticut and checking the store rooms in back.  Guess what?  No album.  Wal Mart is lucky it’s not a youthful R&B songstress, or it would be sporting a black eye and inexplicably lying to the cops right about now.

9.  Newsflash:  FoxNews Skews White.  And Stay Tuned for Our Special Report on the Pope’s Controversial Catholic Leanings.

Wanda Sykes recently discovered that, when it comes to having black people on the air, FoxNews is behind most TV networks.  And because she’s Wanda Sykes, she made a “funny” video about it.

10.  Funny, She Always Seemed Such a Shrinking Violet Sort

For those who care about such things, a picture of Tara Reid on the cover of Playboy is making the rounds on the internet.  Inside is an article Tara wrote dissecting the global warming debate.  And more photos of her boobs.  Okay, there’s no article.

Further Reading:

Jalen Rose Disrespects the Yankees, Nick Swisher

UFC 2010 Undisputed First Look

DeSean Jackson is Pretty Good; So Was the Eagles/Giants Fight

Sports and Social Media Predictions in 2010

10 Terrible Gifts You’ll Definitely Get This Christmas

Derek Fisher Gets Faced by Corey Brewer

Cubs, White Sox Should Look No Farther Than United Center for Left-Handed Bat

Chris Dudley is Running for Governor of Oregon

Misty May-Treanor Named Southern California Sportswoman of the Decade

Freedom Failure (Pic)

How the Cleveland Browns Saved 2009

Who Were the Best NASCAR Drivers of the Decade?

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Really?  The Browns?

Steeler fans thought it couldn’t get any worse after the loss to the Raiders.  Then the Steelers scored just six points in losing to the Cleveland Browns.  That’s still not as bad as getting your nuts caught in an industrial press, so, I guess there’s something to be thankful for.

2.  His First Move:  Get the Sweaty-Fat-Man Stench Out of His New Office

Notre Dame has hired Brian Kelly to replace Charlie Weis as head coach.  Kelly got the job by virtue of his efforts at the University of Cincinnati, a school most people didn’t realize had a football program until the last couple years when they started winning.  Evidently, some of Kelly’s now-former Bearcat players are miffed at his decision to leave them in the lurch.  They’re just mad because, thanks to their efforts, he will make millions of dollars the next few years, while they will soon be applying at fast food restaurants, having found out the hard way that a fake football player education doesn’t do you a lick of good in the real world.

3.  Forget it John.  She Doesn’t Like White Meat.

Fake bluesman John Mayer was spotted trying out his moves on fake celebrity Kim Kardashian during soundcheck for one of his recent shows, but Kim, who remains committed to fake NFL star Reggie Bush, was having none of it.  John will have to go back to working on fake country singer Taylor Swift, I guess.

4.  I Think I Just Found the Next Ricky Gervais.

There is nothing like British wit.  It remains dry even at tube stations filled with frustrated commuters.  When he told people to shoot themselves…it didn’t make me laugh exactly, but it did make me chuckle way down in my stomach, just like when I watch The Office.

5.  Yeah, She’s 26.  And I Can Hit a Driver 300 Yards.

Jamie Jungers, one of Tiger’s exclusive set of numbered mistresses, went on the Today Show to tell her story.  It’s not a very interesting story.  Basically, she had sex with Tiger Woods, then asked him for some money and was upset when he didn’t give it to her.  And then she ate a lot and went on the Today Show.

6.  They Weren’t Those Annoying Talking Geckos Were They?

A man was arrested at an airport in New Zealand for trying to smuggle a bunch of endangered lizards out of the country in his underwear.  A man who is willing to put lizards near his junk…that is a man whose commitment should never be questioned.

7.  Tim Tebow Joke T-Shirt, Sure to be a Popular Garage Sale Item Come Next Spring

Tim Tebow is taking tons of crap for crying.  Don’t worry though, Tebow will get the last laugh.  And the only ones crying will be the fans of whatever NFL team is dumb enough to waste a draft pick on him.

8.  Would You Like Some Stark Raving Terror With Your Wienerschnitzel?

On Thursday night, diners at Pagel’s Dinner Circus in Hamburg, Germany were treated to something you don’t normally witness at a supper club:  a dude getting mauled by Bengal tigers.  The victim, Christian Walliser, was there performing his act with five tigers when he evidently slipped and caused three of the beasts to get confused and try to eat him.  Walliser was finally dragged away from the animals, but not before suffering life-threatening injuries.  Maybe doing a tiger act in a room full of people who are eating is not a great idea?

9.  Quick, Name the Best-Selling Album of the ’00s

Billboard has revealed which album was, by sales, the most popular of the decade about to end.  I’m not going to name the record, but I’ll give you a hint:  think no-talent white boys on strings.

10.  Happy Hanukkah

Further Reading:

In Defense of Gynecology

Great Moments in Deserved Raises

The Question is “Why Am I Fat?”  The Answer is “This.”

Bobby Lashley Signs With Strikeforce

Apparently Tiger Woods Thinks He’s Don Draper (FYI: Don Draper’s women are a tad hotter than Tiger’s)

Contest: The Tiger Name Game

Five Best Teams from Nintendo’s Tecmo Super Bowl

Yankee Fans More Passionate Than Preteen Girls, Twilight Fans

10 Really Bad Dunks

20 Million Reasons for Pacquiao and Mayweather to Fight at Staples Center

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Elin Nordegren Will Not Pull a Betty Draper…Even Though She Probably Should. Mrs. Tiger Woods has made up her mind:  she will stay with her cheating, lying, degenerate husband for the sake of the kids. You know it’s not the money, cause she’s gonna get that either way.  Also, she sort of enjoyed that whole chasing him with a golf club thing, and is hoping she will get another opportunity.  And now, let’s revel in Tiger’s misery a little more, via ’80s rock anthem goof:

2.  Squash Fans Make Soccer Fans Look Like Opera Fans. They take their squash very seriously at Dartmouth…a little too seriously, if you ask the Harvard players who were verbally abused by some Dartmouth hooligans at a recent match. You haven’t experienced misogynistic, anti-Semitic vitriol until it’s been spewed your way by several hundred Ed Westwick clones.

3.  Buster Olney’s Plans for World Domination are Going Along Swimmingly. Peter Gammons, a pioneer of the sportswriter-to-TV talking head trend, has announced his plans to leave the World Wide Leader for the MLB Network, where he will be reunited with former Bristol colleague Harold Reynolds.  Imagine, without Peter paving the way for scribes to migrate to the tube, most of us may never have known about guys like Woody Paige, Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith.  Makes you think…about shooting yourself.  Here’s a musical tribute to Peter anyway.

4.  He’s Allowed to Breed? Gary Busey has taken time out from being crazy as a mofo to knock up his wife Steffanie Sampson.  I’m pleading with the medical community, for the love of God, do not let Gary in the delivery room.  Unless you want his face to be the first thing that poor kid sees when it comes into the world.

5.  Oh, Yeah, That Song.  I Remember Turning the Radio Station After the First Line About 500 Times. Billboard has named Daniel Powter the one-hit wonder of the decade for his song “Bad Day.” I would link to the video, for those who don’t remember the tune, but I’d be afraid someone might get it stuck in their head and hang themselves, and I don’t need that fucking guilt.

6.  Combining Two Things I Don’t Care About into One Thing I Don’t Care About. Which Family Guy character does each Heisman trophy candidate most resemble? Warning:  Annoying slideshow.  Warning #2:  Humor written by a person who actually likes Family Guy.

7.  You Mean They Don’t Just Walk Around in Skimpy Bathing Suits All Day? Forbes reports that Brazil has leap-frogged the US and China to become the #1 SPAM-producing country on the face of the earth. Chicago whips out it’s nah-nah-told-you-so dance…again.

8.  Sounds Like One for the Mythbusters. A student in Ukraine was killed when the chewing gum he was enjoying in front of his computer exploded and blew off his jaw.  Oh Christ, here come the Oompa-Loompas.

9. Is it Just Me or Does Dick Vitale Sound Like He’s Only Pretending to Care? Great alley-oop dunk by John Wall blah blah…

10.  Random Dexter Clip in the 10 Slot:  Dexter and Doakes, a Montage of Tension.

Further Reading:

Will They Just Fire Vinny Del Negro Already?

John Tavares: Shades of Brian Trottier

Free iPhone and Android Apps from PSAMP

AHL Team Whips Out the Tiger Woods Foursome Ticket Package

It’s John Wall’s World

Finally, the Rays Have a Real Closer

Pirates Escape Rule 5, Pick Cardona in AAA Portion

What’s Up, (With) Doc?

BCS or the “P” Word

No Sanchez Jets Gameplan

Seattle’s Lime Green Jerseys are Gone Forever

Boof to the Rescue…or Not

Mike and Mike Make My Ears Bleed; Bucks Win

I Need to Know for Sure if Sarah Palin’s Father-in-Law is Truly Involved in This

Welcome to Detroit, Max Scherzer

There Are Still Reasons to Watch the Bears

Let’s Talk About Jeremy Maclin

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  I’ve Always Dreamed of Being Anally Probed by Aliens.  Now it Looks Like I’ll Get My Chance. Some strange crap went down in the skies over Norway last night.  When the mothership comes…I call shotgun!

2.  So Long, Johnny Damon. A “blockbuster” three-way trade has brought Curtis Granderson to the Yankees, and sent a bunch of other players no one cares about to teams no one cares about.

3.  Just Wait a Minute, She’ll Probably Announce it to the Tabloids. Here’s a handy quiz that will let you know if your woman is having sex with Tiger Woods.  I don’t think people are exploiting this situation enough.

4.  If You Didn’t Want to End Up in Prison, Maybe You Shouldn’t Have Done All That Dumb Stuff and Gotten Caught. Plaxico Burress is trying get on a work release program, but prosecutors say they will challenge the bid, and keep Plaxico’s butt in jail where it belongs.  Butt.  Jail.  Not going there.

5. Yesterday it Was Showing World’s Funniest Accidental Drone Aircraft Massacres, Today it’s Getting Shot up by Hillbillies. What ensues when a man tells his Facebook friends they can shoot up his TV if the Redskins lose to the Saints, and then the Redskins lose to the Saints and everyone pulls up to the guy’s house in their trucks?  Why, hilarity, of course.

6.  Would You Like Some Meaningless Sex With Your Fusilli, Derek? An account of what happened when Derek Jeter tried to order takeout and a female restaurant employee saw her opening.  His life is a saucy beer ad.

7.  Eagles Will Have No Running Game for at Least the Three More Years. Andy Reid has gotten a contract extension from the Eagles through 2013.  Maybe by that time he’ll have figured out how to use Michael Vick.

8.  The World’s Slowest Reader? Ohio library receives a parcel, inside it is a book taken 60 years before, and an apologetic note from the guilt-ridden man who lifted it without checking it out.  My heart is so warm, I swear I just watched a Hallmark Hall-of-Fame movie starring Mickey Rooney, and he wasn’t drunk or anything.

9.  World’s Biggest Jerk? Yup.

10.  Blizzards Suck. That’s all I got.  Just that.  They suck.

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Even Lost Doesn’t Have This Many Mysterious Injuries/Illnesses. You go to bed sure the Tiger Woods saga is finally dying down, then you wake up to discover that, in the middle of the night, a middle-aged blonde woman was taken from Tiger’s house by ambulance.  And you naturally wonder, “Who went upside whose head with a 7-iron this time?”  Proving once and for all that money and fame are no guarantee against your life descending into white trash hell.

2.  Only Boring People Are Ever Bored.  My Mom Told Me That. Baltimore Raven Ray Rice was left unimpressed by the experience of playing in Green Bay aka the Mecca of Pro Football.  The running back called the city “not a real exciting place” and proclaimed “everything about this place is terrible.”  Even the shotgun-blasted deer crossing signs?

3.  It’s Always Been His Dream to Fade into Obscurity With a Horrible Team in a City That Doesn’t Care About Baseball. Ivan Rodriguez, one-time All-Star and greatest catcher of all-time who never appeared in a spray paint commercial, has signed a contract with the Washington Nationals.  Is there some record he’s pursuing?  Does he owe someone a lot of money?  Was he placed under a hypnotic spell by some unscrupulous agent/mesmerist?  Please, help me understand this.

4.  Maybe His Next End Zone Dance Will be an Interpretive Piece About What Deadbeats His Family Members Are. Chad Ochocinco is being sued for failure to pay back a $38,000 car loan he obtained while still named Chad Johnson.  On Twitter, Chad blamed the whole thing on a negligent family member and warned everyone never to cosign loans.  I’ll keep that in mind for the next time I sign a multi-million-dollar contract with an NFL team and relatives I never heard of start coming out of the woodwork.

5.  Some Girls Like Hannah Montana, Others Like The Dukes of Hazzard. Cops in central Pennsylvania were taken on a wild 9-mile, 100+ mph ride Monday after a traffic stop gone bad.  The twist that makes this tale worthy of EPR?  The insane driver was a 13-year-old girl.  Puberty can mess with you.  So can being brought up in a trailer, with crushed beer cans for a bed.

6.  Haven’t Those People Suffered Enough? Lindsay Lohan is taking a break from passing out in public to travel to India and film a documentary about the plight of the poor.  It’s like Angelina Jolie lost 30 more pounds, kissed off her career and started drinking vodka concealed in Sunkist cans.

7.  Chris Cooley Feels for Tiger.  Or Maybe He Just Wanted Traffic for His Blog.

8.  How to Make a Mobius Bagel. And really impress the ladies.

9.  Maybe it Was His Weird Way of Asking for Her Spaghetti Sauce Recipe. At least one man in the crowd for Sarah Palin’s appearance at Mall of America was not a fan of the former Alaska governor…and made his hostility known by chucking tomatoes at her.  He missed.  But hit a cop.  Which, even in Minnesota, will get you arrested.

10. Mark Cuban Gets His Ass Kicked. Unfortunately, it was a wrestling bit, and therefore fake.

Further Reading:

Several Teams Crazy Enough to Employ Milton Bradley

Guida Ready to Go Against Kenflo

Greatest Sports Movie by Sport (FYI: The Natural sucks)

Martin Brodeur: Simply the Best

Remembering Luc Longley (no he’s not dead)

Some in the Mainstream Media May Need to Tread Lightly When it Comes to the Tiger Fiasco

Dwight Howard Spits on the Ball

Fantasy Football Fiasco Week 13

Brendan Witt Hit by Car, Will Play.  Cause He’s a Hockey Player.

Colts Work out J.P. Losman

Win a T-Shirt from Bear Goggles On

49ers Playoff Hopes Gone

The Winter Meetings Logo is Stupid; Also, Phillies News

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  10 Things I Learned from Week 13 of the NFL

1.  Next time, Mike Tomlin should leave hell leashed.

2.  Tom Brady isn’t the only Patriot who needs to take the skirt off.

3.  Juan Pablo Montoya isn’t the only sports star who likes tacos.

4.  Flozell Adams and Justin Tuck need to hug it out.

5.  Michael Vick has finally shaken off that prison rust.

6.  The double-move is to LaRon Landry as the fake-out field goal hold is to Charlie Brown.

7.  Brett Favre’s penchant for throwing terrible picks late in the season is alive and well.

8.  Nothing ruins a warm and fuzzy comeback story like having to play the Colts.

9.  Tony Romo would rather talk about Jessica Simpson than how bad he sucks in December.

10. Jedi Master Sean Payton is not afraid of 16-0 talk.  Or Wookies.

2.  How Did He Find Time to Work on His Game? The official Tiger Woods mistress count is up to 7…and #7 is a porn actress.  #5 worked at a Perkins.  If you can’t even go out for breakfast without getting horny, you might be a sex addict.

3.  It’s Better Than Being Holed Up in South Bend With a Box of Krispy Kreme. Pete Carroll was sitting around minding his own business this weekend when all of a sudden Charlie Weis decided to accuse him of living with a USC grad student who is not his wife.  And you thought Pearl Harbor was a sneak attack.

4.  Packing for Notre Dame Can Wear a Guy Out. Hours after losing a chance at the National Championship by failing to defeat Alabama, Florida coach Urban Meyer was admitted to the hospital with dehydration.  Then Tim Tebow came to sprinkle some drops from the Holy Grail into Meyer’s mouth and everything was fine.

5.  Christmas in Estonia – Now With Fewer Sado-Masochistic Undertones. At its annual meeting, Estonia’s Father Christmas Congress decided to make that country’s version of Santa Claus more kid-friendly by doing away with his traditional whip.  Maybe next year they’ll take away his gimp mask and ball-gag.  Then he won’t have any fun.

6.  Persistence, Thy Name is the Dude Who Tunneled Through a Mountain Because He Was Sick of Having Nowhere to Park His Truck. After 14 years and lots of backaches, Indian man Ramchandra Das has finally completed the tunnel through solid rock that will allow him to park his truck next to his house.  I’m sure there was a good reason why he couldn’t just move the house.

7.  Your Once-Every-Five-Years Freddie Mitchell Update. Former Eagles wide receiver Freddie Mitchell was arrested Sunday morning for non-payment of child support.  FredEx doesn’t deliver on Sundays…or to baby mamas ever.

8.  Gossip Girl – Staten Island. Starring Blake Lively and her totally natural boobs.

9.  When Good Dunks Go Bad. Evan Turner will miss 8 weeks with a broken back.

10.  Good Luck Jimmy, and Pray You Slide Past Cleveland. Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen has elected to follow Charlie Weis the heck out of South Bend.  When fans start punching you in the face, you know it’s time to move on to the next phase of your life, which will involve making millions of dollars and hiring a bodyguard.

Further Reading:

The Sex Offender Shuffle

Bulls Let Jarrett Jack Tie Shoe During Live Play

Reggie Jackson MLB HOF Mustache

The BCS Monkeys Do Something

NFL: The Day After

Louis Murphy Helps the Raiders Stun the Steelers

On Brenda Warner’s Transformation

MVPuppets: King of the Jungle – Kobe or LeBron?

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  The Advantages of Having a Billion Dollars. The new Tiger Woods rumor is that the embattled golf legend paid Rachel Uchitel $1 million to not speak about their affair.  He can afford to pay off another 999 such skanks before he finally runs out of scratch.

2.  You Are Like a Hurricane…of Idiocy. Rich Rodriguez dug his public perception hole a little deeper by comparing his problems as Michigan football coach to the horrors suffered by the victims of Hurricane Katrina.  Cause getting criticized by the media is exactly the same as having your house flooded and having to wait on the roof for the Coast Guard to rescue you.

3.  Why the Phrase “You Can’t Make This Shit Up” Was Invented. As further proof that there is a sports god and he sometimes vents his wrath against those who perpetrate ridiculous acts, Mark Sanchez got sliding lessons from Yankee manager Joe Girardi then promptly went out and hurt himself sliding.  Is Joe Girardi a closet Bills fan, does anyone know?

4.  I’m Sure This isn’t on Purpose. Major League Jerk thinks the new Olympics logo looks like Lisa Simpson doing something to brother Bart that sisters shouldn’t do to brothers.  And I don’t mean smacking him on the head.  Although “smacking” and “head” are involved.

5.  I Really Hope He Wasn’t Listening to Sammy Hagar. Superstar running back Adrian Peterson was ticketed over the weekend for driving 109 in a 55 zone.  Adrian said the same thing everyone says when the cop walks up:  “Hey.  Would you like to meet Brett Favre?”

6.  Too Bad Harry Caray isn’t Still Alive.  It Would’ve been Awesome Hearing Him Say, “At Third Base, Placido Domingo.” The Philadelphia Phillies have signed a new third baseman in the person of Placido Polanco.  Having filled my quota of hot stove stories for the week, I will now return to shit that matters.

7.  Today in Corporate Fascism. A Chicago woman spent two nights in the slammer, and now faces several years in prison, after catching a couple minutes of New Moon on her video camera while attempting to record her sister’s birthday fun at the movie theater.  Clearly, this woman is a hard-core movie pirate who needs to be dealt with severely.  Stringing her up by the toes and burning her eyebrows off with a blowtorch should be good…for starters.

8.  How’s Braylon Edwards Working Out? Clearly, the quarterbacks and coach were not the only problems in Cleveland.

9.  He Can’t Walk on Water, He Can Only Skip a Ball Across it. Pastor John Ziegler of Australia has disbanded his Church of Tiger Woods in response to the golfer’s recent fall from grace.  No longer will pastor Ziegler recite his Prayer for Tiger, nor will he preach his Ten Tiger Commandments.  Yes, those are real things.  Yes, some religious people are unbelievably stupid.

10. This is What I Call Perfect Synergy. Long-time punchline MC Hammer has become an equity partner in Cash4Gold, and is now the UK spokesman for the shady outfit that annoys all of us with its incessant ads.  So, when you send your gold to Cash4Gold, you now what its fate will be:  getting spun into gold thread to make the world’s shiniest pair of parachute pants.

Further Reading:

Top 10 NFL Players With Dreads

Sixth Man of the Day: Stephen Curry

That Jim Trotter Guy Sure is Bold

Rachel Uchitel in a Thong

Tiger Woods Booty Phone

A Holiday Card from Tiger and Elin (Everyone Got This in Their Email but Me)

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Lesson #126 of the Tiger Woods Drama:  Don’t Mess With Swedes. As if Elin Nordgren’s (alleged) golf club attack on Tiger’s Escalade weren’t proof enough that Swedish people are not to be fucked with, here comes Jesper Parnevik – the man who hooked Elin up with Tiger in the first place – offering a scathing assessment of Tiger’s character (“We probably thought he was a better guy than he is”) and imploring Elin to go driver the next time she decides to take a swing at him.  Don’t let that flipped-up hat-brim fool you – Jesper is no one to be trifled with.

2.  There’s Gotta be a Cheaper Way to Get Some on the Side. Website The Daily Beast says Tiger Woods is negotiating an immediate $5 million payment to enraged wife Elin Nordgren, and says the beleaguered couple is reworking the prenup to guarantee Elin $55 million if she stays with Tiger two more years.  Ah, romance.

3.  Today is a Great Day…or a Very Very Sad Day, Depending on How Much You Care About the State of Civilization. The world of WoW is reeling from the news that a Taiwanese man who plays under the handle “Little Gray” has become the first human being to ever complete all of the game’s 986 achievements.  Little Gray would come out to accept the world’s congratulations, but his skin now bursts into flames if he comes into contact with sunlight.

4.  The Real Obama Only Makes People Feel Hate. Texas police report that they have confiscated a batch of the first known Obama-shaped Ecstasy tablets to hit the streets.  Don’t take them unless you want to turn into a complete pussy who bows to foreign dignitaries, bends over for generals and whimpers like a bitch every time a Republican walks by.

5.  Tiger Probably Wishes He’d Thought of This. A dude calling himself Sal9000 has become the first flesh and blood male to marry a female who exists only inside a video game.  The bride, Nene Anegasaki, being nothing but a computer program, presumably had no say in the matter.  Which kind of sounds like kidnapping to me, but what the hell do I know, maybe being imprisoned by a geek is incredibly romantic if you’re a video game.

6.  Rectum?  Damn Near Killed Him. California inmate Rance Johnson is, I hope, resting comfortably today after having the shank he hid in his ass removed by doctors.  Police say Johnson found the shank in an interview room, and concealed it in his butt for three weeks before deciding to, um, come clean about it.  Unfortunately, by that time, surgery was needed to extract the object.  I didn’t really need this lesson in why shoving sharp things in my butt is bad, but thanks for it anyway.

7.  He Can’t Act in Japanese Either. Quentin Tarantino makes an appearance in a Japanese commercial, playing the only character he knows how to play:  an annoying goofball.

8.  Megan Fox isn’t the Only One Taking Cheap Shots at Michael Bay. Composer James Horner is no fan of Michael Bay’s all-tech, no-heart filmmaking approach.  While discussing his scoring of James Cameron’s new lame-looking probable blockbuster Avatar, Horner praised Cameron’s attention to the small human moments, while holding up Bay as an example of a guy who lets emotion get swamped by the “mecha.”  In Bay’s defense, dude may be a little too much into the special effects, but at least he never made a movie as mind-crushingly boring as Titanic.  And at least he never gave Tom Arnold a part.

9.  She Just Wants to Get in His Wranglers. Vikings quarterback Brett Favre has been named one of the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009 by mummified ABC News legend Barbara Walters.  Also cracking the top 10 are Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Lady GaGa and Kate Gosselin.  Are you sure this isn’t the 10 Most Over-Exposed People of 2009?

10.  Because You Asked for it… Serena Williams‘ boobs are too much for her bathing suit while bodysurfing in Barbados (link a tad NSFW). Alliteration is my friend.  As is pixelation.

Further Reading:

Greg Olson Moonlighting at FedEx

Week 13 Fantasy Football Roundup

Big 10 Finally Wins Big 10/ACC Challenge

Ron Artest Wants to Fight Ben Wallace Still

Ben Gordon Couldn’t Single-Handedly Beat the Bulls

Nets Chasing ‘88 Orioles

8 Most Dysfunctional Athlete Relationships

Top 8 Moments in Nerf Basketball History

EA Sports Updates Tiger Woods Video Game

Nick, the NASCAR-Loving Kitten

Mistress No. 3:  “Tiger Woods Who?”

Is Derrick Rose DENNISing the Bulls?

More Piling on the Nets

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  He’s Buying a New Yacht Called “Leave Me the Fuck Alone.” The Tiger Woods story has not diminished in magnitude since the weekend, but has instead grown, like a pus-filled boil that’s now big enough to make you actually consider going to the doctor.  Tiger would like to lance the boil and let the gook ooze out, but that’s not going to happen until the skanks he’s boned stop leaking personal voicemails and other electronic correspondence to the media.  Thank goodness we have the Chinese to make it all make sense for us, via creepy computer animation.

2.  Shocking Revelation:  Marilyn Monroe Sat on Couches, Smoked, Hung With People. An inordinate amount of fascinated panting is being expended over a newly-surfaced home movie showing Marilyn Monroe acting like a normal human being around other normal human beings.  Some say the thing she’s smoking in the film is a joint, but I think that’s just potheads trying to claim Marilyn for their own.  And she seemed like more of a bong-girl to me anyway.

3.  First the Pussy Thing, Now This. Jay Cutler doesn’t need criticism from fans and media; he gets plenty from within his own team, thanks very much.  His biggest critic, since almost the second he joined the Bears, has been Brian Urlacher, who famously branded him a pussy, and has now had to apologize for suggesting that Cutler’s arrival basically screwed up the Bears’ offense before he even played a snap.  I’d be worried about Cutler taking a poke at Urlacher, if he wasn’t such a whimpering candy-ass.

4.  Screw My Family, I Wanna Play. Allen Iverson has cut his retirement short and signed a contract with his old team the 76ers, crushing the dreams of the family members he promised to spend more time with.  Remember when Stephen A. Smith had the retirement scoop last week and everyone was like, “Crap, Stephen A. Smith is back.”  Well, now he can go away again.

5.  And You Thought Teenagers Were Lazy and Unmotivated. Cops in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin have busted up a robbery ring conceived and led by a 17-year-old self-described “skank agent” who used adult ads posted on Craigslist to rope in suckers.  The skanky ringleader, Samantha Stubbe, allegedly lured her victims to a hotel under the pretense of selling them sex, at which point her male accomplices would jump and rob the poor horny dopes.  I’m going to go out on a limb and guess Samantha and her buds were not using the stolen money to pay their way through college.

6.  These Folks Don’t Seem too Worried About Having to Go to Afghanistan. Barack Obama’s speech detailing his plan to mire us even deeper in the nonsensical Afghanistan War not only didn’t rivet the nation, it actually put some of it to sleep.  Early campaign slogan for 2012:  Yes we can…all take a nap.

7.  Good Thing He Doesn’t Play for the Nets Now, Cause He Would Need AA. Ron Artest has admitted that he used to drink Hennessy at halftime when he played for the Bulls, to deal with all the sucking.  He’s lucky he didn’t overdo it some night, and wind up in a three-way with Cheryl Miller and Dick Bavetta like poor Charles Barkley did.

8.  Florida, the Cradle of Senile Coaches. Certain segments of the sports commentating world are abuzz over video of Dolphins coach Tony Sparano trying to call time-out to stop the clock at a point in the game when the clock was already stopped because of a change of possession.  Bobby Bowden laughed when he saw this, then forgot why he was laughing, then called for his nurse to come change his poop bag.

9.  Man-Boobs Were Made for Jiggling, Not Lactating. Ragnar Bengtsson of Sweden spent months putting his man-boobs through daily three-hour pumping sessions in hopes of making them produce milk.  Sadly, Bengtsson’s breasts proved drier than an Oscar Wilde quip, and he has now abandoned the attempt.  Bengtsson’s failure will not, I’m sure, deter hundreds of other bored idiots from trying the same thing.

10.  Random Dexter Clip in the 10 Slot. Dexter kills that giant Hispanic dude.

Further Reading:

The BCS Monkey Bit Again

Waiting for Godunk: My Tryout With Hometown Sixers

Celtics Shooting the Lights Out

Florida State Lineman Apparently Unaware Play Has Started

TV’s Coolest Principals

Exclusive Interview With Matt Schaub

10 Non-AI Signings That Could Boost Sixers‘ Attendance

The Meeting Pete Rose in Las Vegas Field Guide

Heisman Projections

Week 13 NFL Betting Power Rankings

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.