Everything in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Getting a Head Start on Being Overrated

In a move sure to shock Bill Plaschke, a 13-year-old Delaware quarterback has made a verbal commitment to Lane Kiffin and USC.  I won’t use the kid’s name here, because I refuse to participate in the most egregious case of silly advance hyping since Freddy Adu.  By the way, for all we know, not only will Lane Kiffin not still be the coach by the time this kid is old enough to play for USC, but there might not even be a USC, or a California, or an earth.

2.  Those Are Some Thighs.  Those Are Thighs, Right?

Controversy has erupted among feminists over Winter Olympian Lindsey Vonn‘s SI cover, which features the somewhat attractive blonde skier bent so far over, the only thing you can think about is sheltering under her ass until the spring thaw.  The feminists are enraged that, once again, a magazine aimed at young, silly males has chosen to emphasize a female athlete’s minor sex appeal over her sports skills.  But everyone knows feminists are just bitter and ugly, so no one pays attention to them anyway.

3.  Proof That James Cameron Was Wise to Choose Movie Directing Over Making Music Videos

Once upon a time, James Cameron directed a music video for his buddy Bill Paxton‘s band, and convinced his other buddies Paul Reiser, Lance Henriksen and Kathryn Bigelow, who would eventually become his ex-wife, to appear in it.  James probably thought this video was gone forever but, nope.  Nothing ever dies, as long as YouTube lives.

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1.  Wait Till Someone Realizes That “Who Can it Be Now” is Nothing but “Waltzing Matilda” with Sax

Famed ’80s Aussie band Men at Work will have to fork over millions in unpaid royalties after a court determined that a tiny bit of their classic song “Down Under” was stolen from the kiddie tune “Kookaburra Sits In The Old Gum Tree.”  I’m guessing the guys from Men at Work aren’t exactly sitting on millions in cash right now, which means they will have to get to work slightly ripping off some more songs our spinster music teacher made us sing in third grade while she pounded angrily away on her out-of-tune piano.  Either that or start washing cars.

2.  Record Company to Jealuz Haterz:  Stop Saying Taylor Swift Sucked at the Grammys, or We’ll Totally Leave a Flaming Bag of Turd on Your Step

Taylor Swift‘s bosses at Big Machine records are defending their hottest – and blondest – property against critics who say she was out-of-tune and in-over-her-head during her Grammys duet with Stevie Nicks.  “I think [the critics] are missing the whole voice of a generation that is happening right in front of them,” said Big Machine chief Scott Borchetta, adding, “Maybe she’s not the best technical singer, but she’s probably the best emotional singer because everybody else who gets up there and is technically perfect, people don’t seem to want more of it.”  McDonald’s needs to hire this guy right now.  I can already see his defense of their murderburgers:  “Maybe they aren’t the most nutritious processed-beef-patty-based foodstuffs on the planet, but they must not suck too bad, otherwise everyone would be eating salad.”

3.  And You Think Your Dog’s Cool Cause it Can Bring Casks of Whiskey to Stranded Mountaineers

This dog barks in a way that sort of sounds like “Who” and the Saints fans all yell “Dat.” Remember when Saints fans were adorable and plucky and everyone was on their side because of the hurricane thing?  Now I sort of hate them.

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1.  The Bomb Blast Didn’t Send Them Shooting to the Moon Where They Had to Make Oxygen Masks Out of Rocks and Fight the Evil Gumball People.  So I Guess My Theory Was Wrong.

Lost returned to ABC last night, for the first episode of the final season, and spun out the usual array of crazy twists that will have geeks ejaculating for days.  SPOILER ALERT!!!  In episode 601, LA X, people you thought were dead weren’t, folks traveled through time, stuff that already happened did so again, only different this time, Jack acted heroic, Sawyer got pissed off and Kate’s butt looked damn fine.  I wonder what surprises will be unleashed next week.  Maybe Charlie will be an annoying little midget or Hurley will be fat!  That would rock.

2.  How Long Does it Take to Live Down an Insane Drunken Anti-Semitic Rant Anyway?

Mel Gibson appeared on Chicago’s WGN to promote his new movie, but instead of the usual softball questions stars get from local TV hacks during such appearances, Gibson was peppered by entertainment reporter Dean Richards with uncomfortable queries about his personal travails.  Gibson, predictably, did not take the interrogation well.  Thankfully it was a remote, otherwise someone would’ve wound up with their hands around someone’s neck.

3.  The Last Movie Joe Biden Saw:  That One Thing About the Guy, Lawrence I Think His Name Was, and He Went to Arabia or Somewhere Else Sandy

Joe Biden is asked about his Oscar favorite.  Joe struggles to cough up the name of that movie he saw in 3D that he thought was just amazing.  Next time, Joe, just admit that you don’t see any movies.  Being a politician doesn’t mean you have to lie all the time.

… [visit site to read more]

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1.  Want to Get Nominated for Best Picture?  Then Blow Some Shit Up.

The nominees for this year’s Oscars were announced this morning on fine talk shows all across America.  As expected, The Hurt Locker and Avatar will be pitted against each other in life-or-death Academy Awards combat, as will the films’ respective directors, Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron, who used to be married (that’s what’s known as a subplot).  SAG Award and Golden Globes winners Jeff Bridges, Christophe Waltz, Sandra Bullock and Mo’Nique also received nominations, clearing the way for them to repeat their victories on Oscar night. Despite the lack of suspense, viewers will tune in…cause they want to see the dead people reel.  Everyone loves the dead people reel.

2.  Soon the NCAA Will Realize its Dream of Letting the Entire ACC into the Big Dance

Rumors are bouncing around that the NCAA is hot to expand the Big Dance field from 65 to 96 teams.  Yet another brilliant, bald-faced money-grubbing big-conference-fellating move from the people who brought you the BCS.

3.  Eric Maxwell, Reality is Trying to Call You.  Please Pick Up.

Shocking – well, okay, slightly stunning – video of high school volleyball coach Eric Maxwell becoming irritated at one of his players and drilling her in the head with the ball.  Bobby Knight wants to give this guy a medal; everyone else thinks he should be strung up by his ballsack and pelted with shit.

… [visit site to read more]

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1.  That’s What I Love About Lady Gaga.  She’s All About the Music.

The Grammys predictably degenerated into a Michael Jackson/Taylor Swift/Beyonce lovefest, but at least Lady Gaga was there to lighten things up by wearing three different ridiculous outfits.  How do you know you’re a fashion icon?  When you have more costume changes than changes of expression.

2.  What if She Had Puked All Over Everyone?  Seriously, Did No One Think of That?

Pink provided the show-stopping performance of Grammy night by combining singing with Cirque du Soleil.  Thank God she thought of this and not Jennifer Hudson, cause that could’ve been tragic.

3.  Rex Ryan Thinks Annoying Fans are #1

Jets coach Rex Ryan got heckled by some fans while attending an MMA event over the weekend, and responded by flipping the jerks off.  Because Ryan is an NFL coach and not just your average rude, bloodthirsty lard-bucket, he was forced to issue an apology.

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1.  Golf’s Favorite Grandpa Gives Tiger Woods a Good Talking to

Tom Watson, the ghostly figure who came striding out of the mists of time to nearly win the British Open last year, thinks the Tiger Woods scandal has hurt golf, and thinks that when Tiger does return from his self-imposed exile, he should make a more concerted effort to comport himself like a gentleman on the course, and not swear and throw clubs like a punk kid.  Tom just doesn’t understand what it’s like to be young, black and a jack-ass.

2.  Things You Will Not See During the Super Bowl Telecast:  Restraint, Dignity and Men Kissing Each Other

The owners of gay dating site ManCrunch.com have their hot pants all in a bundle after CBS’s apparent decision not to air their ad, which features two men kissing, during the Super Bowl.  Well, I for one would not want my kids seeing that kind of filth during a wholesome all-American exhibition of sex and violence like the Super Bowl.  First you let them see two dudes kissing, and before you know it, they’re joining the Democratic party, drinking soy milk and trading all their guns for Jonas Brothers tickets.

3.  Mike Florio Just Reset the Turd-Watch Meter.  Then Went Back to Practicing His Mobster Voice for When Scorsese Finally Calls.

Rey Maualuga proved that he is a true Cincinnati Bengal by getting busted for DUI this morning while driving around with two girls, one 18, one too young to be listed in the report as anything but a “juvenile.”  Imagine what a distraction this would’ve been for the Bengals had they been in the midst of Super Bowl preparations right now.  And if you want a real challenge, imagine the Bengals in the Super Bowl.

… [visit site to read more]

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1.  No, Actually Steve, iPad Was Taken

Excitement over Apple’s unveiling of the iPad – you better get one, unless you enjoy going through life without being able to look your fellow humans in the eye – quickly gave way to hilarity over the name “iPad,” a name that made people think of many things, including an old MadTV skit.  Buzz is buzz, I guess.

2.  Chris Matthews Demonstrates How Post-Racial Barack Obama is…by Injecting Race into His Commentary on Barack Obama

I’m sure Chris Matthews is trying to make some incredibly pithy and insightful point here about how inspiring a figure Barack Obama is for other people who are not white, but unfortunately, it comes out all wrong.  Perhaps in future Chris will restrict himself to remarks about the substance of what people have to say instead of focusing on their ethnic backgrounds.  Irish twit.

3.  The Wizards Will Have to Suck Without Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton.  I Think They Can Manage.

David Stern has brought the hammer down on pistol-packing Wizards Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton, suspending the players for the remainder of the season.  Chris Matthews suggested they should play for the all-white basketball league instead, but then he remembered that they’re black.  He always forgets.

… [visit site to read more]

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1.  Greg Oden is Sorry for Showing Everyone His Dick

Portland Trailblazers star Greg Oden has apologized for taking naked pictures of himself and allowing them to end up on the internet.  Fun video of Oden’s shame follows:

2.  Do Call Me Shirley.  Don’t Call Me Sensitive to the Plight of Haitians or Employed by ESPN.

ESPN has dumped basketball player Paul Shirley‘s blog after Shirley’s highly controversial suggestion to the Haitian people that more liberal use of prophylactics could help improve their quality-of-life.  And maybe they could also try moving their island to a place that’s a little less earthquakey, right Paul?

3.  Still Waiting for the iToilet

Geeks across the world are breathless with anticipation over the expected Wednesday unveiling of Apple’s latest piece of must-have technology, the iTablet.  The new device, a sort of giant iPhone as I understand it, is expected to cost between 600 and 800 bucks, and will sport such fun gadgets as duel cameras.  And if you don’t have one within three months, you are a worthless human being who should do everyone a favor and shoot yourself.

… [visit site to read more]

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1.  At Last, the Photographic Evidence Archie Bunker Has Been Waiting for

The National Enquirer has won the race to publish the first picture of someone who looks like Tiger Woods walking in the vicinity of a clinic that offers rehabilitation for those suffering from sex addiction.  The same pap also photographed Bat Boy, Sasquatch and Jimmy Hoffa at the facility.  Sasquatch, I have learned, has struck up a great friendship with Tiger and will be replacing Steve Williams as his caddie/picture-snapping-fan rougher-upper.  That’s right golf hooligans…from now on, Sasquatch will be messing with you.

2.  That’s Either an Ass or Some Kind of Weird Pulsating Sea Creature

Among the many hazards inherent in bobsledding is the possibility that your suit will split, exposing your ass to any camera operators who might be standing behind you.  And then of course there’s the chance of crashing and your head getting ripped off.  The ass thing is pretty bad too though.

3.  Stupid, No.  Devious and Largely Despised?  I’d Say Yes…

Jay Leno asks Michael Jordan ten questions.  Yeah, Michael calls Leno stupid which is funny, but did you notice that when Leno asks MJ to list all the products he endorses, Nike is not the first thing he mentions?  Phil Knight is not going to be happy about this.

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1.  LeBron James is the Chosen 1.  As Long as You’re Not Choosing Him for the Dunk Contest.

LeBron James has decided to pull out of the dunk contest, a year after promising basketball fans he would participate in the always-overhyped All-Star weekend activity.  That’s okay LeBron, we know you have more important things to do…like sit in the stands with your All-Star buddies overreacting to every dunk.  “Wow, that was an awesome two-handed stuff!  I am totally mesmerized by things I have seen hundreds of times and should be bored with by now!  Hey, let’s go watch some fireworks!”

2.  Vincent Jackson’s Sunday Was Worse Than Yours.  Unless Your Name is Tony Romo.

Hours before his team was ousted from the playoffs by the upstart New York Jets, San Diego Chargers wide receiver Vincent Jackson was reportedly pulled over for playing his music too loud, and wound up being cuffed after officers discovered he was driving with an invalid license and expired plates.  Sucks for Vincent, but still, any story that starts with a sports star getting pulled over and doesn’t end with the cops finding a bunch of drugs or a dead body in his trunk…that’s a positive story in my book.

3.  In America She’s a Sweetheart; In Australia She’s Just Another Target for a Butt-Kicking by a Russian

Melanie Oudin failed in her bid to become Australia’s Sweetheart by getting knocked out by Russian Alla Kudryavtseva in the first round of the Aussie Open.  I know what most of you are thinking of doing right now, but let me save you the trouble:  no, Alla Kudryavtseva is not hot.  You may move on with your day.

… [visit site to read more]

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1.  If Rex Ryan is Such a Great Motivator, How Come He Can’t Motivate Himself to Put Down the Powdered Doughnuts?

The New York Jets continue to defy expectation by winning playoff games on the road over heavily-favored opponents.  Yesterday their victim was the Chargers, who might actually have overcome Rex Ryan‘s football monster had their Pro Bowl kicker Nate Kaeding not suddenly morphed into Shaun Suisham.  There’s no doubt about it now:  If I’m ever kidnapped to a mysterious planet where the inhabitants make me the coach of their intergalactic football team and I have to win a big game against the Andromeda Galaxy or they’re going to shoot me with a ray gun that cooks my organs inside my body, I’m going to have them come to earth and kidnap Darelle Revis so I can slap him on Andromeda Galaxy’s best receiver.  Or maybe I’ll just scream for Superman to save me.  Either one.

2.  And…Back Come the Monkeys

A week after earning their respective first ever playoff victories, Wade Phillips and Tony Romo found themselves on the wrong end of a purple freight train known as the Minnesota Vikings, and now the monkeys that were supposed to be off their backs have returned and are dirtier and more flea-ridden than ever.  Don’t worry though, guys.  I’m sure it meant nothing that Jerry Jones was seen conversing at length with Brett Favre and Leslie Frazier after the game.  Jerry loves you guys and would never stab you in the back.  Just ask Jimmy Johnson how unfailingly loyal he is.

3.  Brett Favre Has No Interest in Seeing Your Butt-Schism

Only Brett Favre could get away with chanting “Pants on the Ground” as a post-game celebration, cause only he’s old enough to truly relate to the sentiments expressed by the song.  He’s also a big fan of “My Lawn is Not the Place for Your Tomfoolery” and “Damn, That’s a Sweet Scooter.  I Could Fit a Lot of Raisin Bran in That Wire Basket in Front.  And the Ladies Would All Want to Go Behind the Bushes With Me for Some Viagra-Assisted Loving.”

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1.  Now There’s One Less Reason to Watch NBC, Leaving the Official Tally of Reasons to Watch NBC at Negative-15

NBC has settled the Jay Leno v. Conan O’Brien mess by caving in to Leno and telling Conan to pack up his stuff and leave.  Reports say Conan will receive a handsome buyout and will not, I repeat will not, be “put on ice” as NBC head Jeff Zucker reportedly threatened.  Clearly, NBC was unswayed by the massive pro-Conan campaign currently burning up Twitter and Facebook.  In the end, they chose the guy who appeals to actual TV viewers, and not the guy with low ratings but high support on social media sites.

2.  Jay Leno Lets Jimmy Kimmel Do to Him What NBC Did to Conan O’Brien

Whoever books guests for Jay Leno clearly hates him.  How else do you explain the decision to have Jimmy Kimmel do a live-by-satellite interview when everyone had to know Jimmy would spend the entire time kidney-punching Jay?  Sadly, this is probably the funniest thing ever on Jay’s 10 PM show.  NBC wants to hire Kimmel so they can fuck him over.

3. Comparing a Man’s Heart to That of a Chicken?  That’s Just Over the Gosh-Dang Line…

Legendary NBC executive Dick Ebersol has gone off on Conan O’Brien, calling him an “astounding failure” and labeling him “chicken-hearted” and “gutless.”  Actually Dick, you want to know what’s chicken-hearted and gutless?  Calling someone you’ve already fired chicken-hearted and gutless because you want the guy you didn’t fire, but sort of pissed off, to know you’re on his side.  A fruit-basket would’ve sufficed.

4.  When Earth Orbit Just isn’t High Enough…

NASA has launched one of those important official investigations after someone discovered a bag of cocaine in a hangar used to house the shuttle Discovery.  I just thought of something funnier than astronauts sucking little Tang-balls out of the air while floating around in zero-G.

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1. Plagues Spread Quickly in This Wondrous Digital World

I know you’ve already run into someone today who was singing this and possibly you wanted to punch them.  Even though the song contains some very valuable wisdom that the saggy-panted youth of the world would do well to heed.

2.  Gilbert Arenas is an Asshat, But at Least He Never Went All Boyz N the Hood on a Sucka

GQ has used various sources including court records and police reports to piece together a pulp-novel-style first-hand account of what happened the day Marvin Harrison allegedly shot a man in an altercation outside his restaurant.  If you believe the GQ account, you can take the “allegedly” out of there and replace it with “horrifyingly.”

3.  I Feel Less Doomed Already

A panel of scientific experts deemed the end of the world less imminent than previously thought, and in reflection of this slight uptick in optimism, moved the hands on the famed Doomsday Clock back one minute.  Then they saw an episode of Jersey Shore and moved it back up three minutes.

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1.  Let the Kiffin v. Neuheisel Trash-Talk War Begin

After one mediocre season at Tennessee, coach Lane Kiffin has shockingly bolted from the Volunteers to take over for Pete Carroll at USC.  Some may wonder how in the world a man with a .500 record in college and a way-below-.500 record in the pros can possibly have earned arguably the most prestigious coaching job in Division 1 football.  Well, it’s simple actually:  Lane Kiffin is the greatest con man in the history of the world.  If he were as good a football coach, he would be equal to fifteen Knute Rocknes.

2.  College Campuses Were Once Hot-Beds of Political Dissent.  Now They’re Just Places Where People Get Drunk and Break Stuff.

Amazingly, the departure of Lane Kiffin not only angered the University of Tennessee student body, it actually touched off a riot.  With running and screaming and spray painting and tear gassing and urinating and pretty much everything except traffic copter footage of guys being dragged from their vehicles and beaten senseless.  I would tell the rioting students to get a clue, but that would be like telling the ocean to stop being so damn wet.  Congratulations, generation that produced the current crop of college age students.  You have succeeded in raising the dumbest group of human beings ever to pollute the world.  These people’s mothers must be especially proud:

3.  Rex Ryan Respectfully Disagrees With Your Opinion That Charles Woodson Was the Best Defensive Player in the NFL This Year, and if You Don’t Like it, You Can Kiss His Giant White Pimply Ass Right on the Jets Logo Tattoo

I think if you asked 100 football fans which corner they’d rather have on their team, Charles Woodson or Darrelle Revis, all but the delusional Packer-backers among them would take Revis.  We know who Rex Ryan would take, cause he told everyone at a press conference.  This is how you get to be a players’ coach.

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1.  Mark McGwire Admits to Willingly Shrinking His Penis.  I Might’ve Kept That One to Myself, No-Longer-Big Guy.

Yesterday afternoon, new Cardinals hitting coach … [visit site to read more]

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1.  You Know What Sucked Worse Than Charles Barkley on Saturday Night Live?  The Defense in the Arizona-Green Bay Game.

After three mind-numbingly boring playoff games, the … [visit site to read more]

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1.  There’s Only One Way to Solve This:  A Tiger Woods Joke-Off

What oh what will NBC do about Jay Leno visit site to read more]

The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  The NBA Will Have to Get Along Without Gilbert Arenas for a Still-to-be-Determined Period

David Stern is not yet ready to decide how harsh Gilbert … [visit site to read more]