He’s probably gonna make his son take back those band-aids. Look at his kid’s face — he knows it, too. “But, dad, I just got these band-aids!” Wow. I think he just listed Jackie Chan on eBay.

Danica Patrick, the word’s hottest race car driver, was just involved in a pile-up. No, not that kind of pile-up — you’ve been watching too many Go Daddy commercials. While racing in the Nationwide Series race at Daytona International Speedway — in many ways her first real big stock car race — Patrick was involved in a 12-car wreck. It wasn’t her fault, but that’s the way this one will end for D.P. Check it out…

Does anybody even want to fight Anderson Silva? That is the question UFC head honcho Dana White, matchmaker Joe Silva and the rest of us are left to ponder after Vitor Belfort pulled out of a UFC 112 match with Silva. Belfort is citing a shoulder injury as the reason, but White is openly questioning how much the Phenom wanted the fight in the first place. This after Silva humiliated fan favorite and former champ Forrest Griffin in his last fight. The fight before that? Thales Leites flopped around the ground scared for five rounds, and infuriated White to such a degree he received a pink slip. Leites wanted no piece of the Spider.

All of the fighters who would be at least somewhat legitimate tests for MMA’s best pound-for-pound fighter — GSP, Rampage Jackson, Rashad Evans and Shogun Rua — have already been signed to big upcoming fights. Chael Sonnen? If he thinks he can hang with Silva then he is more delusional than his friends over at FOX News. The UFC needs to forget about that joker. The winner of Michael Bisping vs. Wanderlei Silva? Six years wouldn’t get these guys ready for Anderson, let alone six weeks. And that’s if one of them escapes the bout unscathed. James Toney or Roy Jones? Please. A grizzly bear? A gauntlet of fighters? The Wolfman?

There is only one fighter that could save this card — Randy Couture. Randy has always prided himself on taking all challengers. This would be his ultimate challenge. Granted, going from a washed-up Coleman to Silva is like going on a date with the frumpy girl next door as a warm-up for Megan Fox, but the Natural would be game. And he would have nothing to lose. If he took a beating, hey, he lost to the best in the world on short notice. He’d also be more prepared for anyone at 205. Plus, if he can recover from a Brock Lesnar beating, he can recover from a Silva one. If he won, he’d be ready to retire as the greatest MMA fighter who ever lived. He’d walk away a god. Hell, even if he hung around for a while with Silva it would add to his legend. This would be the real life version of Rocky Balboa.

This fight would also be good for Silva. Despite being possibly the most entertaining athlete alive, he is barely a top-10 UFC PPV draw. Are we tuning in to see a guy speak English, or to see a guy whip some ass? People should just think of him as that unbelievable foreign film they love so much. He’s the human version of City of God. But I digress. Silva needs to fight opponents with bigger names than him and keep trouncing them in highlight-reel fashion. That’s the only way he is going to be the biggest name in the sport. There’s no bigger name than Couture in MMA history. Even with a tape-delay (the fight takes place in the Middle East), Couture would likely double PPV buys.

Silva has also wanted to test himself against either a boxer or a much bigger man. He’s so good he’s bored. He either dismantles opponents instantly or they refuse to engage with him. Couture has spent a lot of his career two weight classes above where Anderson fights, so this match-up fights the “much bigger man” bill. Let’s let the Spider get some of this stuff out of his system. He will likely never fight a boxer, Lesnar or Fedor, so this is the best way to accomplish that.

This match-up would also set up a superfight down the road. If Shogun Rua defeats Silva’s BFF Lyoto Machida, then a Silva vs. Shogun revenge match gets made. If Machida wins, Silva fights either the winner of Rampage vs. Rashad, the winner of Chuck vs. Tito, or a newly inked Gegard Mousasi. Silva could end up as not only the sport’s best all-time fighter but also as one of the best athletes ever. But that’s not gonna happen if they ever go back to feeding him tomato cans labeled as up-and-comers like Leites and Patrick Cote. Michael Jordan didn’t become Michael Jordan by playing the Clippers 82 games a year. The Couture fight would set up an even bigger fight for late this summer, and the superfight we all salivate over on the big New Year’s Card — a duel with GSP.

Dana, Joe Silva, please make this fight happen. It would be great for Anderson Silva. It would be great for Randy Couture. It would be great for us fans. Most of all, it would be great for the sport and the UFC.

This Strikeforce: Miami card just got the highlight of this early year. Just when Robbie Lawler seemed like he was all but done, he damn near knocked Melvin Manhoef’s head off. Showtime wouldn’t even show the replay for a few minutes because they were unsure just how badly Manhoef was hurt. I thought he was dead. You gotta see this.

Those of us who love good ol’ fashion sports columns are big fans of sportswriter Wright Thompson. Those of us with a pulse are inspired by New Orlean’s ability to rebuild itself after Katrina all but wiped the city out. So when Thompson narrates a video chronicling the Big Easy’s resurgence and how the Super Bowl-bound Saints played a huge part in that process, you know the result is going to be something epic. This clip has to be one of my favorite YouTube videos ever. Unless you are a die-hard Colts fan, I don’t know how you could watch this jazzy redemption tale and not root for the Saints in the Big Game. Enjoy (via Fanhouse via SB Nation).

It’s only the first sentence and I already know what most of you are thinking. You looked at the title and said, here’s some Favre apologist who’s going to rattle off a laundry list of excuses for last night’s loss to the Saints. Well, you’re wrong.

First off, I’m no Favre apologist. I’m anything but that after his crapfest down in Carolina cost me a fantasy football championship. Second, there’s no need to make excuses for him. Favre played his guts out. He was brilliant for 90 percent of the game. He threw for over 300 yards.  He was better than Drew Brees all night long.  His team getting KO’ed out of the playoffs was anything but his fault. Then again, if you missed the game and relied solely on the interwebs for the scoop, you’d come away thinking Favre threw 16 picks, deferred after winning the coin flip in OT and stole charity money intended for Haiti.

Hey, I’m glad New Orleans won. That city has long deserved something wonderful like this. As I’m typing this, I hope the French Quarter sees more boobs and beads than you can find on all the Girls Gone Wild DVDs combined. Big, BIG congrats to Who Dat Nation. I hope your Saints win it all…and, what the hell, that Kim Kardashian wins her bet and gets married to Reggie Bush.

But what the eff is it with all the Favre bashing? Sure, back in August I was right there with you. Hang it up, old man, we’re sick of the soap opera. But we were wrong. We were wrong.  That old man can still play and had every right to come back and give it one more shot. When I realized that he was back and better than ever, I decided the comeback was more than worth all the wishy-washy drama. Looks like I was just about the only one, though. Well, other than ESPN, John Madden and Peter King.

During the game, Favre haters were binge-drinking Haterade on Twitter. Sports bloggers everywhere were furiously typing out their “Favre Screws Up Again” posts before Garrett Hartley even began warming up for his game-winning kick. After the game on the NFL Network, Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin were bagging on Mooch and Rich Eisen for being Brett lovers. Not only was Favre taking shots on the field, he was a punching bag off of it as well.

Seriously, what did the guy ever do to deserve so much hate? Play well for 20 years? Do these haters hate Kareem Abdul-Jabbar as well? What about Mario Lemieux? Andre Agassi? George Forman? Hell, Jack Nicholson’s been a great actor for over five decades now and has surely considered retirement. We also see him at every awards show and Lakers game. See, he’s overexposed, too! By this logic, we should hate him more than twice as much as we do Favre.

We should be grateful that we have so much coverage of one of the greatest sports figures of all time. When I think back and recall my grandpa telling me how he wished he had more coverage of guys like Babe Ruth, Jesse Owens and Johnny Unitas, I know I feel lucky. When I tell my grandchildren about the sports legends of my lifetime, there won’t be so many blank spots.

What about giving up some respect for a 40-year-old man who goes out there and lets faster, bigger, stronger 25 year olds kick the everloving shit out of him? I’m only 31, and most days I’m on the fence about going to the gym. Sure, their are some big dudes there, but they aren’t knocking me on my ass every time I don’t get my set of 10 reps off in time. There’s never been a tougher athlete in the history of pro sports. I will never understand how at 40 he took the shots he did last night and kept on playing. I will also never understand how fans of the game could witness that and not appreciate the feat.

If you hate Favre, go ahead and keep hating him. That’s fine. But don’t blame him for this loss. He wasn’t the one who had a fumble hat trick. Hell, his teammates had about as many fumbles as there are Harry Potter books. Adrian Peterson’s hands were so bad last night, I thought he switched pairs with Braylon Edwards d for the week. The only thing that was All Day was his case of the dropsies. Add in the mind-boggling 12-men-in-the-huddle penalty with 19 seconds left, questionable refereeing and Cedric Grffin’s costly late-game injury, and it’s easy to see how this game got away from the Vikes.

Speaking of that 12-men-in-the-huddle penalty, was that really Favre’s fault? Or were the coaching staff and the players coming in and out of the game at fault? And after that penalty was assessed, Favre had to throw. It was 3-and-15, he couldn’t really run on that gimpy ankle and there was no way kicker Ryan Long-in-the-tooth-well was going to make a 56-yarder on the road with Who Dat Nation all up in his ear. Favre took a chance knowing the worst-case scenario was an interception that would send the game to overtime. Considering the way the Purple People Eaters were playing on defense, it was the right move.

Back in 1994, when an aging Joe Montana failed to win the AFC Championship and take my Chiefs to the Super Bowl, the Arrowhead faithful didn’t blame him. He had gotten us closer to the Big Game than any quarterback had in 25 years. Favre should be treated the same way. Instead of unfairly piling all the blame on Favre for this loss, we should be celebrating his remarkable performance in what could have been his last game. After all, a 40-year-old quarterback damn near overcame an injury, bad officiating in OT, the 13-3 Saints in a jam-packed Superdome and a fumbling epidemic to lead the Minnesota Vikings to their first Super Bowl in over 30 years.

If this game does end up being Favre’s last game, I think it’s one he and all of his fans can be damn proud of. Here’s hoping he comes back for one more year, if only just to see all the haters squirm while he does his thing.

A few weeks ago, New Orleans Saints kicker Garrett Hartley was the goat. Now, he is the hero who finally sent the Saints to the Super Bowl. The young kicker nailed a 40-yard field goal that I think most people expected him to shank. Especially considering the way kickers have choked this postseason. Instead, Hartley came up clutch as his kick split the uprights. A kicker of all players (with some help from the refs and 139 Vikings’ turnovers) just kicked off one of the biggest parties in New Orleans history. Good for N’walins! Let all the Archie-Peyton-Brees mania, and the Favre comeback talk, commence.

Here’s the clutch game-winning “Big Easy Boot” from Hartley…

It’s a done deal; Lebron isn’t dunking in this year’s NBA Slam Dunk Contest. Or is he? His “manager,” Shaquille O’Neal, says he won’t let LeBron dunk in the contest unless the following criteria is met: A.) A huge prize with half the money going to Haiti; B.) Kobe Bryant enters; C.) Vince Carter enters; and D.) Another big name enters. Who’d you have in mind, Shaq, Dominique Wilkins?

It’s been 13 years since Kobe Bryant won the Slam Dunk Contest. It’s even been a decade since Vince outdueled Steve Francis and Tracy McGrady. The Black Mamba is 31. Air Canada is 32. What Shaq is trying to do here is as easy to see as Lady Gaga’s dick. Instead of LeBron losing to a young buck like Shannon Brown — a player who has a ton of spring and no notoriety — he wants to match the “King” against the bigger names and older legs of KB24 and Vinsanity. We’re on to you, Big Fella.

In honor of Shaq’s failed attempt at rigging LeBron James a Slam Dunk Contest coronation, here are 10 other past-their-prime dunkers who could fill that “another big name” spot.

10. Spud Webb (46)

Why get Nate Robinson when you can get the original diminutive dunker?

9. Tim Duncan (33)

With a name like Duncan he’d be perfect. So what if he has a short-stack-of-pancakes vertical.

8. Harold Miner (38)

Shaq could use his Twitter hype machine to convince the masses that he’s still Baby Jordan.

7. Shawn Kemp (40)

I’m sure he can be coaxed out of retirement, as he needs the money for child support.

6. Dominique Wilkins (50)

The human-highlight film surely has one reel left in him before osteoporosis sets in.

5. Isaiah/J.R./Whatever Rider (38)

He recently got waived by the North Texas Fresh, so he’s available. No, that’s no a Mexican food chain.

4. Dr. J (59)

So what if it’s gray? The afro puts fans in the stands. Period.

3. Bob Kurland (86)

It doesn’t get any better than the first person who dunked regularly in games!

2. Michael Jordan (46)

It couldn’t be that hard to instigate Air Jordan’s ego out of retirement, could it be?

1. William Rosenberg (Deceased)

I’m sure Shaq could figure a way to prop the Dunkin’ Donuts founder up Weekend at Bernie’s style.

Drew Brees and the Saints defense are unstoppable. It is official. With over six minutes to play in the second quarter, they have already put up 28 points. The latest touchdown being a video-gamish 44-yard flea-flicker from Pierre Thomas to Drew Brees to Devery Henderson, who hauled in the ball after a nice adjustment. Looks like this game is going to live up to the classic duel between the Cardinals and Packers from last week. Well, at least if the Saints have anything to say about it. At this rate, the Cards will have a tough time keeping up.

I’m not a big George Lopez fan, but I have to admit I am a fan of a recent feature he did on his show — Who’s Blacker: Charles Barkley or Snoop Dogg? This is just hilarious…

Who should square off next in this feature? My suggestion: Eminem and Michael Steele.

He went from this…

(Be sure to check out FlickSided, our brand new film and entertainment site!)

This is one of the funniest football videos I have seen in a long time. Green Bay Packers defensive coordinator Dom Capers obviously slept on the Arizona Cardinals’ offense last week. No, literally, as he fell asleep in the freaking press box during a playoff game and then did that freaky “oh, shit, I fell asleep” shake-jerk I used to do in 11th grade geometry class after lunch. No wonder the Cards put up 51 points. Here’s the clip (via Out of Bounds)…

Here’s a closer look at possibly the greatest moment in CAPTCHA history.

Diarrhea hasn’t been this funny since, well, this. Thank you, FB.

Other Content You Might Like:

If you love both football and wrestling, then Arizona Cardinals receiver Steve Breaston is probably your personal hero right about now (unless you live in Wisconsin). After scoring a huge fourth-quarter touchdown that broke the Packers momentum, Breaston did the patented celebration/taunt of former pro wrestling star Scot Hall, aka Razor Ramon. All he needed was some chest hair, a toothpick and that one greasy strand of hair matted to his forehead. Check it out.

In a playoff passing duel for the ages, graying-and-grizzled vet Kurt Warner racked up five passing touchdowns while playoff newcomer Aaron Rodgers threw for about a mile. Jermichael Finley had his coming out party for the Pack. Early Doucet and Steve Breaston played so well Arizona might want to consider keeping Anquan Boldin in street clothes. Larry Fitzgerald made big plays, as usual. Neil Rackers did his best Shayne Graham impersonation. The Duel in the Desert was just a completely insane game.

This game was just an instant classic, one of the best playoff games in recent memory. It’s a shame one team had to win, but Warner’s Cards did just that — in overtime. The Packers won the OT toss and chose to receive. On the drive’s first play, they nearly completed one of the biggest comebacks in playoff history when Rodgers was this close to connecting on what would’ve been about an 80-yard TD bomb to Greg Jennings. That would have put Rodgers over 500 yards for the day. But the pass was just oh so slightly overthrown.

Two plays later, Michael Adams (no, not the guy who played for the Nuggets) stripped Rodgers, the ball bounced off of Rodgers shoe, Karlos Dansby caught the ball and rumbled into the endzone for the game-winning TD. Rodgers discarded his helmet while the Cardinals celebrated like Kirk Gibson rounding the bases. The game with no defense ends with defense. How ironic. Here’s the play.

Even Laura Bush looks appalled at how much this conversation is setting humanity back. And it’s too bad the picture got cut off, because there apparently was a translator on the other side. That translator definitely deserved his/her 15 minutes of fame for taking on the gargantuan task of making this “conversation” between Emmitt Smith and George W. Bush possible.

I would’ve loved to have been a fly on that ridiculously overpriced Jerry World wall for this meeting of the minds. Wow. Just wow. I think a discussion between two chimps at the Dallas zoo would have been more coherent. Where’s the Scrabble board!? I could literally write a 1,000 words about this one. It’s like Lennie from Of Mice and Men chatting with Corky from Life Goes On.

For more awesome video content check out our Everyday Power Rankings, where we rank the best of the Net every single weekday.

We knew that there would be some highlights from Charles Barkley’s second go at hosting Saturday Night Live later tonight, we just didn’t know there would be highlights before the live show even started. This was likely shot during dress rehearsals for promo use. Regardless, here’s Sir Charles doing an impression of singer Alicia Keys — if she weighed 300 pounds and had a receding hairline. We’re definitely thrilled that SNL has a Barkley State of Mind tonight!

100-plus sports blogs. 18,000-plus posts. Roughly 6 million visits. 2009 was a big year for the FanSided Sports Network. But it was also a big year for you sports fans out there. That’s why we’ve decided to revisit the sports year that was 2009 through our best posts (100-plus posts), as selected by our editor and our bloggers. We guarantee there’s at least something in this list of links that will entertain the bejesus out of each and every sports fan, so thank you for your support and get busy reading!

NFL

The NFL remained the sports world’s king of the jungle during the last year of the 2000s. Here’s our bloggers’ take on a gridiron year dominated by two nearly undefeated teams, the human blur named Chris Johnson and quarterback comebacks (Michael Vick and Tom Brady).

A beer for every NFL team. – FanSided

Throwback unis resemble Whataburger ones. – FanSided

Peyton Manning’s top 10 TV commercials. – FanSided

Thurman Thomas tree statue stolen. – FanSided

Unretirees Anonymous. Favre’s first meeting. – FanSided

Tony and T.O.’s Couples Retreat. – FanSided

The decade’s biggest draft busts. – NFL Mocks

Vick becomes an Eagle, as told by an Iggles fan. – Inside the Iggles

The careers of Andy Reid and Martin Scorsese collide. – ITI

Football serves as an escape for our troops. – Phin Phanatic

Mike Ditka…pitchman? – Bear Goggles On

Devin Hester’s got a thing for full moons. – BGO

Cutler Vs. Orton — The drink-off. – BGO

Packers fans set Favre jerseys ablaze? – The Viking Age

A decade of Raiders football. – Just Blog Baby

The Patriots All-Decade Team. – Musket Fire

A Chiefs fans guide for surviving the offseason. – Arrowhead Addict

Remembering Derick Thomas – Arrowhead Addict

Chiefs should switch their un-P.C. mascot? – Arrowhead Addict

A Steleer Decade in Review Part 1. Part 2. – Nice Pick, Cowher

A look back at a forgettable Niner decade. – Niner Noise

Five fake owners worse than Rush Limbaugh? – Ramblin’ Fan

Jim Mora is kinda a drama queen. – 12th Man Rising

An interview with Panthers star Jonathan Stewart. – Cat Crave Radio

Saints Hall of Fame snubs. – Who Dat Dish

The Colts are…imperfectly perfect? Yep. – Naptown’s Finest

NFL Drinking Game. – Pacman Jonesin’

The top 10 Cardinals games of the decade. – Raising Zona

The Ravens All-Decade Team. – The Ebony Bird

Ochocinco’s next name change. – Stripe Hype

Remembering Barrel Man. – Predominantly Orange

NBA/NFL lookalikes. – Predominantly Orange

Tony Romo — gulp! — good in December? – The Landry Hat

MLB

The diamond decade that began with Yankees dominance (not to mention steroid dominance) ended the same way. But the Yanks and A-Rod’s return to greatness wasn’t the only story. Here’s how our bloggers told the year in baseball.

Derek Lee injures himself celebrating. – FanSided

Jennifer Garner knows her Red Sox. – FanSided

The greatness of Grienke. – Kings of Kauffman

Saving Soria Part 1. Part 2. - Kings of Kauffman

Billy Mays won’t pitch for the D-Backs. – Venom Strikes

Ranking this decade’s Yankees teams. – Yanks Go Yard

A ton of Tigers hit the podcast. – Motor City Bengals

The Mets soap opera. – Rising Apple

It was hard being a Pirates fan this decade. – Rum Bunter

The Rays All-Decade Team – Rayhawk Review

Baseball without the Yankees? Inconceivable. – That Ball’s Outta Here

A BBA ballot for NL RoY. – Marlin Maniac

Nationals closers in question. – Teddy Never Wins

Congratulating the one and only Ichiro. – Sodo Mojo

Taken to task for Festivus. – BoSox Injection

NBA

The NBA ended the decade the way it started — with plenty of Kobe and Shaq. Kobe won his fourth championship and Shaq was the media champ of all athletes. From LeBron to to the Lakers, here are some of our NBA blog highlights of 2009.

Separated at birth: 20 NBA lookalikes. Part 2. – FanSided

NBA Preview — Halloween candy style. – FanSided

The 10 worst dunks ever. – FanSided

10 non-A.I. P.R. Sixers signings – FanSided

Top five Celtics games of the decade. – Hardwood Houdini

The Celtics All-Decade Team. – Hardwood Houdini

The NBA stars of the next decade. – We’re Bucked

A view from the Cavs locker room. – King James Gospel

Welcoming Vince Carter back to Florida. – Howard the Dunk

Magic All-Decade Team – Howard the Dunk

K.G. has no class? – Pippen Ain’t Easy

The best GIF of the NBA season. – Pippen Ain’t Easy

Kobe Bryant: Apex Predator – Lake Show Life

The Lakers parade in first person. – Lake Show Life

10 Things I Hate About You series. – Lake Show Life

Artest’s Jacko Rap. – Lake Show Life

Dirk should have listened to the Fresh Prince. – The Smoking Cuban

The Pistons sing Christmas carols. – Life on Dumars

The most hopeful Clipper moments (that didn’t pan out). – Fully Clips

The feel good Mo’ment of the decade. – Rip City Project

19 reasons why Beno Udrih sucks. – A Royal Pain

Post-Reggie Pacers not so clutch. – Always Miller Time

When is it time for an NBA player to retire? – Sir Charles in Charge

NHL

While the NBA was dominated by names like Kobe, LeBron and Shaq in 2009, the NHL was much more than just Ovie and Sid the Kid. Here’s the 2009 NHL campaign through the eyes, er, keystrokes of our bloggers.

Mike Richards almost decapitates David Booth – FanSided

The Blackhawks meet Seinfeld. – Blackhawk Up

The NHL’s hottest Ice Girls. – Blackhawk Up

Kings All-Decade Team – Rink Royalty

The best hockey uniforms ever. The worst. – Pucks and Pitchforks

An interview with Zack Smith. – SenShot

The Penguins’ five ballsiest moments of 2009. – Pen’s Labyrinth

Anderson the Olympian. – Mile High Sticking

Leafs All-Decade Team. – Editor-in-Leaf

Canucks five playoff musts. – The Canuck Way

Which Rangers jersey to buy? – Blue Line Station

Hard to be a Panthers fan. – The Rat Trick

Other

Here’s the best of the rest of the sports of 2009, brought to you by the FanSided fam (100% Tiger free!…OK, almost).

Everything Power Rankings (Daily!) – FanSided

If the greatest rappers ever were athletes. – FanSided

A decade of sports sound bites. – FanSided

The 10 best bowl games of the decade. – FanSided

The 10 best sports Hallowwen costumes of 2009. – FanSided

Six degrees of David Beckham. – FanSided

The biggest cheaters in sports. – FanSided

Sports figures with food names. – FanSided

Scariest contracts in sports. – FanSided

The best movie quarterbacks of all time. – FanSided

The UFC champions guide. – FanSided

The key to NASCAR success = meth? – Stock Car Spin

If NASCAR had a draft. – Stock Car Spin

Best drivers of the decade. – Stock Car Spin

WWE TV Network? – Daily DDT

Revisiting Hogan’s TNA signing. – Daily DDT

Most memorable golf moment of 2009. – Pro Golf Now

2009 end-of-the-year MMA P4P rankings. – Cage Pages

A sports P.R. look at TMZ Sports. – Sports P.R. 101

Boxing’s worst of 2009. – The Cruelest Sport

Titans RB Chris Johnson might not be the NFL MVP this year, but he will undoubtedly be its Offensive Player of the Year. Johnson ripped off 134 yards on the ground against the Seahawks to pass the 2,000-yard rushing mark for the season. He joins Jamal Lewis, Terrell Davis, Barry Sanders, Eric Dickerson and O.J. Simpson in the elite 2,000-yard club. He finished with 134 yards on the day, pushing his season total to 2,006.

Johnson also eclipsed Marshall Faulk’s total yards from scrimmage mark for a single season, giving him the NFL record for most yards from scrimmage in a season. He also passed Earl Campbell’s single-season franchise rushing record of 1,934 yards.

In just his second year, it’s clear that Chris Johnson, barring injury, is on his way to becoming one of the most dynamic running backs in NFL history. He might even have surpassed Adrian Peterson as the preferred No. 1 pick of fantasy owners everywhere. Overall it was a historic day for Johnson, and one which bodes well for both his future and the future of the Titans.

10. Ringtone Rap

With an assist from autotune (which should be called autoimmune, because it’s rap destroying itself), this phenomenon killed the most significant new genre of music to come along in the last 30 years. As an artist, Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em makes M.C. Hammer look like M.C. Escher. Kids growing up during this phase of hip-hop are going to try to claim that the reign of rappers like Flo Rida and Gucci Mane were the good ol’ days of rap. I can’t wait to hear what rap is going to sound like 25 years from now. They’ll be probably be remaking Chamillionaire songs. In that case, I hope 2012 actually unleashes the apocalypse upon us.

9. The Snuggie

Speaking of reasons why we deserve this world to end, the Snuggie has to be near the top of that list. Just how effing lazy has humankind become? I mean, this is a god damn bib cloaked as a backwards robe. You don’t need blankets. You don’t need napkins. You don’t need even clothes. I’m somewhat surprised they didn’t design the Snuggie to allow you to defecate and piss in it.

8. John Travolta/Nicolas Cage

It’s like they’re having a Face/Off to see who can make more cinematic shitfests. Battlefield Earth started the decade off on the wrong foot, and the National Treasure series is anything but its namesake. On the other hand, they have to pay off all those mansions, planes and wigs somehow, right? It also seems like they’re having a contest to see who can be the bigger eff up. Travolta did his part by joining Scientology — a religion that actually embraces Tom Cruise as its poster boy — and refusing to admit that his son had autism. Cage countered by naming his son after Superman (Kal-El? Seriously? I love Batman, but I’m not going to name my son Bruce Wayne Best.) and forgetting to pay his taxes. And don’t even get me started on their hair, both facial and up top.

7. Bill Belichick

What a great role model for young people who aspire to make a livelihood out of sports. The New England Patriots coach cheats more than Tiger Woods, dresses like a vagrant, reeks of arrogance and thinks everybody else is expendable in a “team” sport (even if he doesn’t say that, he obviously does). I’m thrilled he was arguably both the most successful and famous coach of this decade. Really bodes well for the future of sports.

6. Media Personalities

Dr. Phil. Perez Hilton. The View (especially Elizabeth Hasselbeck). Jimmy Fallon. Glenn Beck. I have a moderately successful reality show, and — BAM! — now I have my own magazine. How sad is it that Walter Cronkite, Tim Russert and Johnnie Carson died this decade, and these assclowns are their replacements? We actually listen to these goons? Just how impressionable is this country? I’m even a little saddened to see Oprah step down when I look around to see what else is out there. Sure, we have Colbert, O’Brien, Olbermann and Stewart around, plus Brokaw and Letterman are still kicking. But Jay Leno’s new joke of a show might be an all-time low in talk-show TV. Whoops, almost forgot that George Lopez now has his own show. That show’s so bad TBS spares us on Fridays. A decade that was ushered in by Jerry Springer ends like this. How appropriate.

5. Multiple Popped-Collar Polos

Popping the collar of one of their polos wasn’t enough for some of these dorks — they had to rock the double popped-collar look. Screw the double-douche look — images have surfaced revealing as many as four or five popped polos. How hot would five polos be during the Spring or Summer? And if it’s Winter, then why are you wearing two, three, four, five shirts, yet no sleeves? Chad Johnson’s Ocho Cinco nickname is pretty awesome. Frat Boy’s Polo Cinco nickname is not. These are the same idiots who probably double up on condoms. It’s almost like a star system for douchebags. “Bad news, Johnnie; you’re  only a three-polo douchebag. The good news? The polos are pink, green and teal, so that basically makes you a 3.5.”

4. Nickelback

This “band” was arguably the most popular musical group of the decade. That alone explains how this list’s No. 1 happened. Nickelback makes me embarrassed to be a human being. I’m thankful my cats will never have to feel like that. Actually, they might have when Garfield came out. Nevermind. Nickelback wasn’t even the best band to emerge from their own garage. A pair of cockroaches, a rat and a Tickle Me Elmo doll take home that honor. Also, who says Canadians are nice? During this decade, China gave us SARS and Mexico gave us the swine flu, but both of those “gifts” pale in comparison to Canada’s Nickelback present. I’d honestly rather listen to Fran Drescher read every word of the new health bill than a Nickelback album.

3. Celebutantes

My mom’s generation grew up looking up to Audrey Hepburn and Jackie O. My little sister is growing up with the Hiltons and Kardashians as role models. Instead of inspiring to be a woman working on the Hill, young women are more likely to want to be on The Hills. Just thrilled that my little sister thinks Kendra “Why Didn’t Chaney Shoot Her in the Face?” Wilkinson is cool. Since when did inheriting a fortune and giving sloppy head to D-list celebs on crappy home video cameras merit fame? This group is also responsible for the most definitive phrase of the decade, “that’s hot.” So profound.

2. Reality TV

Screw Gordon Gecko. Not only did greed cause the great bank bailout, but it also spawned reality TV, or lack of reality TV as I like to call it. Back during the big writers strike during the dawn of the decade, greedy studio execs decided they didn’t need scribes. They’d just film somewhat interesting real-life stuff and get Americans with meaningless, mundane lives hooked on it like crack. Sure, a few good, positive shows have emerged from this craze (Project Runway and Top Chef come to mind). But how pathetic have we become when we have to watch Jersey’s worst (Jersey Shore), My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé and William Hung in order to feel better about ourselves? Watching Charm School doesn’t exactly make one’s life charmed. Let’s hope this trend dies down a bit and that the 2000s will be remembered as that embarrassing decade where we were obsessed with OPP — other people’s problems.

1. George W. Bush

That we allowed this retard rancher to illegally wrangle one election was bad enough. But actually electing him to a second term? No wonder the rest of the world began to “misunderestimate” us. Wanna know why Barack Obama won the Nobel (besides breaking a color barrier many thought would never be broken)? Because he restored the world’s hope in America; rebranding us as the leaders of the free world after eight years as the lepers of the freaked world. Our new President restored global diplomacy after our previous one couldn’t even spell diplomacy. Obama reminded us that somebody born with nothing can still become anything. Bush reminded us that a nothing born with everything can still become anything. Unfortunately, Junior left such a mess that we’re going to spend the next decade and many thereafter fixing his missteps. During the 2K decade, W definitely didn’t stand for win.

Dishonorable mention:

_________ “gate”;

Why do we insist on slapping “gate” onto the end of a word to describe every single scandal? I’ve got one for you — Creativitygate!

Sarah Palin

If you mashed up a porn actress playing a sexy librarian, the Church Lady and Marge Gunderson from Fargo, you’d get a…veep nomination?

Celeb Couple Compound Nicknames

Brangelina. Bennifer. TomKat. F***ing Spiedi. Back in the day, people didn’t call Bogart and Bacall “Bogcall.” People were, um, serious back then.

SARS/Swine Flu > AIDS

Swine flu mortality rate: 0.026%. Percent of the world infected by HIV: 0.6%. Yet masks were more popular than condoms when both SARS and the big pig plague hit.

A Punchless Superman

In 2006, $270 million wasn’t enough to buy a punch. Superman Returns…and he’s a pussy.

Undeserved Celebs

Octomom. 14 kids equals 15 minutes of fame. Jared Fogle. Losing 240 pounds is worth millions. Joe the Plumber. Trying to stump a Dem on the stump makes you the GOP poster boy. The Gosselins. Sanjaya. Remember when actually having talent made you famous? I don’t.

Halle Berry’s Oscar

“Make me feel Good.” Berry’s Monster’s Ball Oscar award felt like a lot of white Academy members making themselves feel good. Thankfully, Denzel, Jamie and Forest came along and actually earned theirs.

Matt Millen

That this former GM made millions to take the Detroit Lions to an imperfect 0-16 in  the poorest city in America during a recession was, to quote a memorable 2000s commercial, a “traveshamockery.”

Hugh Grant

He’s like Richard Gere without the gray…or the acting ability.

And, yes, Tiger Woods

During the last gasp of the decade, we discovered we didn’t know its most famous athlete at all.

Avatar is not a video game — it’s a movie. When the final credits start rolling, however, you’ll feel as if you have just completed the greatest RPG of all time, and done so on an IMAX screen in 3D. All that’s missing is a controller with like 20 buttons and a vibrating chair, because this movie has everything else. (VERY MINOR SPOILERS)

Action? Get out your watch and play timekeeper. I bet you won’t find 10 minutes without at least some action. It’s not just quantity either, because there’s also quality. The film’s final action sequence would blow even Michael Bay’s feathered locks back.

Romance? Nevermind that its told in mostly CGI, because this love story would make Rick and Ilsa proud. And we didn’t even have to hear “we’ll always have Pandora” at the end.

Romance too mushy for ya? Well, there’s sex, too. Sexual tension so hot it almost feels like you’re Sly Stallone getting his virtual reality freak on with Sandra Bullock. George Lucas can’t even pull of steamy passion like this with actual human actors. There’s even some borderline bestiality for you real freaks. Speaking of sex, Michelle Rodriguez and Zoe Saldana are two smokin’ hot ladies of action. And James Cameron knows a little something about hot chicks kicking major ass. They always have brains and values, too, which is a turn on for all of us guys not names Tiger.

Graphics? Cameron’s brand new virtual camera delivers an experience so real you feel like you’re the one behind it. It also allows more of the actors’ performances to be used, which, combined with some of the finest CGI the silver screen has ever seen, makes the Na’vi creatures as believable as any CGI character not named Gollum. This doesn’t feel like your old Sega Genesis. Instead, it feels like some 3D hologram shit your kids (or kids’ kids) will be playing.

Plot? Political undertones? Paddy Chayefksy-like dialogue? Two out of three ain’t bad. And the dialogue wasn’t awful, just a little “I’m James Cameron and this is a god damn blockbuster”-esque at times. When you’re Cameron, you can afford to be a little cheesy at times, you can afford to overlook witty banter in favor of breakneck plot and breathtaking action. Besides, for a video game (wink, wink), the dialogue gets an A.

Despite its flat trailers, Avatar definitely has a plot. There’s definitely plenty of spectacle, but also plenty of substance. In fact, it’s more King Kong than every attempt at recreating the 1933 classic. What seems like a pure popcorn blockbuster at first glance, doubles as a scathing indictment of humanity upon further examination. After seeing the future of mankind — in 2154, we’re more greedy, wasteful and predatory than ever — you’re eager to ditch that lifestyle and become part of the Na’vi tribe.

You also get to experience and learn a whole new world in what feels like a hands-on fashion as the protagonist does the same. Not only do the planet Pandora and its native Na’vi species look fascinating, they are fascinating. The Na’vi are also more human than human — both inside and out. They care deeply for the world which surrounds them and the creatures around it, and have no need for material filler. This immediately makes you want to be part of the tribe, an urge that is satisfied. But there is redemption in this story. There’s redemption for the brainwashed and crippled marine who gets to walk again using his Na’vi “Avatar” vessel (Sam Worthington’s Jake Scully), and also for the audience participating vicariously through him.

The important number here is one. Not the $300 million it cost to make Avatar. Not the $100 million it will make this weekend. Not the thousands of Na’vi or hundreds of humans who graced the screen. One. And not for Cameron, the one man left whom we can always count on to deliver a hit blockbuster, either.

Both the film’s “Avatar” concept and groundbreaking virtual camera technology immerse an audience of one, you, into the story like never before. Because of this, the message that humans need to stop persecuting those who are different hits home. Because of this, the message that humans need to stop ravaging their planet hits home. Because of this, the message that each of us needs to individually stand up against corporate greed hits home. Because of this, the message that all of us need to have dreams and all of us can reach those dreams hits home. Because of this, the message that love, friendship and family are more important than anything material hits home.

More than anything, however, Avatar’s plot paired with its presentation delivers us with one of the movie-going thrills of our lifetime. At the end, when you remove your Risky Business-style 3D shades, you’ll feel something you’ve never felt before. You’ll feel like you just mastered the greatest video game ever conceived in an amazing three-hour setting. You’ll change your life, get the girl and save the world, yet all you had to do was sit back and enjoy the fly. And because James Cameron is the man behind all of this, “you’ll be back” in the sequel.

Sunday night’s Eagles-Giants game was one of the most exciting NFL games we’ve seen in some time. It had everything. An interception that was taken to the house, followed by that half-retarded Eli Manning “my dog just got ran over” face.  An electrifying DeSean Jackson kick return TD. Ahmad Bradshaw and Brandon Jacobs rumbling, and the latter fumbling. Donovon McNabb once again putting up gaudy statistics despite having different receivers then he had the week before. Hakeem Nicks dropping the easy passes, yet hauling in the highlight-reel ones. Michael Vick killing the fantasy seasons of LeSean McCoy and McNabb like they were pit bulls.

But the highlight of the night was undoubtedly the 175-pound Jackson doing the en vogue jumping bump celebration with 300-pound (at least) head coach Andy Reid. It was their second attempt of the season. Well, Jackson’s second. The first time around Reid wanted no part of it, but this time he was ready. After a 60-yard TD, Reid was waiting for his second-year star on the sideline. Jackson and Reid jumped, twisted and emphatically bumped backs. Reid might have cleared a pancake, while Jackson damn near jumped over his coach. Judging by Reid’s face during the demonstration, he might want to stay grounded. Check out the video (House of Pain remix)…

And the animated GIF for those of you at work. The bump after the jump…

Here’s what Reid had to say about the celebration (from Philly.com):

“We worked on it a few times during the week,” a relaxed Reid said yesterday, just a few short hours after he returned with his team from the Meadowlands. “I was afraid I was going to lose my Achilles tendon. I was just happy that when I landed it was still intact.”

Here’s what Jackson had to say about the bump:

Brandon Marshall didn’t start off his season well –  he was involved in a feud with new Denver Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels — but he is having a ferocious finish. The Broncos wide receiver nicknamed Baby T.O. broke the real Terrell Owens’ single-game NFL reception record with a staggering 21 catches against the Indianapolis Colts. 21 freaking catches! I mean, just cracking double-digit catches is a Pro Bowl day.

The Colts simply had no answer for the young wideout, who now has to be mentioned in the same breath as Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald — the league’s elite. Broncos quarterback Kyle “Neckbeard” Orton simply threw the ball in B-Marsh’s vicinity time and time again, and time and time again No. 15 hauled in the pigskin. 21 catches, 200 yards, 2 touchdowns. Simply one of the finest performances a wideout has ever had. Here’s the video of his record-breaking catch.

(Check out Everything Power Rankings, our daily recap of the wackiest stuff out there, every week day.)

Alabama’s Mark Ingram might have won the Heisman, but does he have his own song? Husker hulk and Heisman runner-up Ndamukong Suh does. Check it out (via Jason Birnstihl, the man behind this awesome track)

All you need to know about Ndamukong Suh is that he almost single-handedly destroyed Texas’ National Championship hopes, sacking Horns QB Colt McCoy 4.5 freakin’ times from the defensive tackle position. 4.5 sacks in one game is a once-in-a-lifetime performance from Jared Allen, let alone a college DT. That doesn’t even do it justice. His performance cannot be described in words, but instead only with this…

Dude is so nasty that even though he’s a college player, and even though he’s not playing this weekend, I’m still starting him as my IDP player in fantasy football. God damn, I hope my Chiefs make him the first D-lineman we’ve selected early out of Nebraska since Neil Smith. Give this 6-foot-4, 300-pound God of the Gridiron the Heisman already. Screw those other four bums.

(hat tip on image: kylestebbins.com)

Thanks to a Green Bay fan with a penchant for nostalgia, these shorts have actually surfaced…

Gruden’s reaction to this up in the Monday Night football booth?

Even if Gruden never wore shorts quite this short, it’s still funny as hell. That whole Holmgren Packers coaching staff looked pretty ridiculous back in the day.  As for the guy brave enough to rock the Stockton shorts inside the frozen tundra that is Lambeau Field, let’s just hope he isn’t going home to his girlfriend after the game. He’s gonna be dealing with more shrinkage than ex-Packer Tony “The Incredible Shrinking Bust” Mandarich.

As the Tiger mistress count is now up to a staggering nine, rumors are surfacing that one of these mistresses is negotiating the sale of nude pics of Tiger Woods with Playgirl magazine. Yes, the nudey dudey mag. The hold-up seems to be the process of authenticating the photos. Perez Hilton hears that the pics are genetailia shots from a cell phone. If so, how in the hell do you prove that? And how can this situation possibly get any worse for Tiger? I’m expecting a “I’m Tiger’s baby mama” announcement in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

Anyway, more from the Life & Styles press release (via Huffington Post):

It looks like the rumors of naked Tiger Woods photos may be true! Playgirl’s rep Daniel Nardicio confirms to Life & Style that the online magazine has received photos claiming to be Tiger sans clothes. But until the photo is proven to be real, don’t expect to see it online. “We’re currently trying to authenticate the photos before we make any decisions on purchasing the Tiger Woods pics and ascertaining the value,” Nardicio tells Life & Style.

Tiger better hope this isn’t him, or else even Tiger’s staunchest of supporters might be jumping ship. Perhaps this is finally the way to find out once and for all if he’s more Black or Asian? I kid, I kid.

If Chad Ochocinco thinks he got fined for joke bribing a ref during a challenge with a dollar bill, his wallet is about to get hit a lot harder this time around. The NFL has a strict no-props policy for post-TD celebrations, and No. 85 went straight to the sideline and put on a freakin’ poncho and sombrero. No joke. Ochocinco is now Ponchocinco. Gotta love Chad having fun and entertaining the fans, but the No Fun League will surely feel differently. Enjoy!

“In the jungle, the mighty jungle, Nike sleeps tonight…”

And they are sleeping well. Why? Because their top two non-Tiger superstars are back in the ongoing MVPuppets series, holding down the Phil Knight fort while Tiger Woods’ marketability takes a huge hit. That’s right; Puppet Kobe Bryant and Puppet LeBron James are back to arguing about who’s better. In their latest commercial, KB24 and King James argue about whether a black mamba or lion would prevail if they crossed paths in the jungle. Hey, if you can’t roll with a Tiger, the world’s deadliest snake and an equally deadly big cat are the next best things, right?

LeBron has definitely been a beast this season, as Joakim Noah found out last night. Meanwhile,  D-Wade will testify that Kobe’s venom has never been more deadly. It’s impossible to say which one of these two hardwood deities is better, so let’s just sit back and enjoy the comedy of their puppets debating the impossible debate. Let’s also hope that they finally meet in the jungle that is the NBA Finals.

Never judge a fighter by his gut. That was the morale to Saturday night’s The Ultimate Fighter 10 Finale, as Roy “Big Country” Nelson damn near took impressive up-and-comer Brendan “Hybrid” Schaub’s ear clean off with a booming right hook (I keep on thinking of Fight Club — “ow, you hit me in the ear!”). The Colorado native who’s used to high altitude quickly went to no altitude after that punch. Meanwhile, Nelson, who Joe Rogan called “the in-shape fat guy,” had to finally impress Dana White with this outing.

Nelson is now the TUF 10 Champ and another contender in a suddenly stacked heavyweight division. Gotta love the self-deprecating humor and the Buddha belly rub, too. Kinda the anti-Lesnar, both in physique and temperament. He’s no spring chicken, but in a wide-open division due to Brock Lesnar’s health situation, he’s got a puncher’s chance at coming out on top during what seems to be his swan song. Go get your BK on, Roy, because tonight you were the King who delivered a straight Whopper of a knockout. I will even buy you whatever you want after seeing the depressed look you painted onto Rashad Evans’ face.

In the two fighter’s other match-up, “Who Has the Hotter Chick?,” Schaub won a unanimous decision according to every man with a pulse. So, at least he’s got that going for him. Here’s a look at the two ladies (after the jump)…

Yeah, that might have been a record stoppage. The decision was already in halfway into the chime of the opening bell. Schaub may have suffered his first defeat and squandered an opportunity to earn a six-figure contract, but at least he has a hot brunette vixen to console him.

Kimbo Slice vs. Houston Alexander is over, and the fight went absolutely nothing like anybody expected. A slugger showdown that was widely predicted to be over before you could rattle of the alphabet inexplicably went the distance. How did this happen? It happened because Alexander thought he could dance around, take out Kimbo’s knee with leg kicks and eventually taken out a hobbled Slice. Because of that, Saturday night’s unofficial main event almost turned into Saturday Night Fever.

Luckily, in round two Kimbo decided he was going to cut off Alexander’s dance fever and be the aggressor, regardless of the cost. In the process, Kimbo showed improved boxing, a beautiful slam and ground game that had to of surprised even his most vocal of critics. In fact, at one point it looked like Alexander was about to add on to his streak of UFC stoppage losses. It didn’t happen, but with a dominating round two performance Kimbo won the fight by unanimous decision.

Round three was almost as boring as round one. It would have been for sure if Kimbo hadn’t of stepped it up and hunted Alexander for the second round in a row. Honestly, Alexander shouldn’t be brought back after this showing. He is an average talent who has stuck around because he always was good for an entertaining fight, win or loss. Now that he has decided he is going to be an overly cautious fighter who tries to just finish the fight instead of finish fights, he’s completely usesless.

Houston, you definitely have a problem. Thales Leites got axed for pulling this same “Dancing with the Stars” stunt against and making Anderson Silva, one of the UFC’s biggest stars, boring. You likely will, too. At the very least he should be regulated to undercard duty for now.

As for Kimbo, it’s hard to say just how good he is at this point in his MMA career due to the way Alexander fought. He has definitely improved, however, and it was very impressive how he handled an Alexander gameplan nobody could have anticipated. For now, at least, Kimbo has earned himself a spot in the UFC for the foreseeable future.

Las Vegas nightclub promoter Kalika Moqui (above), aka Tiger Woods’ mistress No. 3 (allegedly), reportedly had no clue who Tiger was when they met in a Sin City club. A girlfriend of hers actually had to drop a hint. First off, the guy is racking up mistresses like they were green jackets. Bill Clinton with a Viagra I.V. drip couldn’t do this kind of damage. Tiger might be just as good at getting it in the hole off the green as he is on it.

Second, how could someone of Moqui’s stature — she’s one of the 31 most influential people in Las Vegas nightlife –  not have heard of the world’s most famous athlete? Unbelievable.

A little more background info on Moqui (source): she’s 27, originally hails from Missoula, Montana, and is a country music fanatic.

Now that you’re all caught up to speed on Moqui, here’s how that first meeting between the King of Swing and his latest fling probably went down.

Tiger Woods hangs out with Charles Barkley at a Las Vegas nightclub. Charles rocks a white turtleneck, black blazer and white sneakers. Woods’ attire is slightly less dorky. Woods sets his drink down.

Tiger: I’ll be right back, Chuck.

Charles: Always thinking with your little four iron. Good thing that blonde white bitch of yours is dumb. Hurry the hell up. I wanna get back to the tables.

Tiger: Will do, buddy.

Kalika Moquin runs around doing P.R. stuff in an “isn’t that a little short for work?” red dress. Tiger Woods sashays up to her, grabs her by the arm.

Tiger: Hi.

Kalika: Uh, hi? You are?

Tiger: (chuckles) Tiger.

Kalika: No way. That can’t be your real name.

Tiger: Well, uh, no…

Kalika: What is your real name then?

Tiger: I just go by Tiger.

Kalika: C’mon, nobody just goes by “Tiger.”

Tiger: Fine. Eldrick.

Kalika: Now I know why you want to be called Tiger. I’m Kalika. Another weird name, but, hey, at least it’s pretty.

Tiger: So, anyway, I saw you checking me out across the room.

Kalika: Did ya now? I was actually checking out Charles Barkley’s gut. He gets fatter every time I see him. You over there getting an autograph or something?

Tiger: Um…

Kalika: You’re Asian…or Black… you’re Blasian. You’re smart. You dress a little dorky. Kinda cute, I guess, but definitely dorky. Lemme guess…you’re some computer genius from Silicon Valley? Probably went to Stanford?

Tiger: I did go to Stanford, but…

Kalika: Well, “Tiger,” since neither your roar nor your bite seem to be very interesting, I’m going to get back to work. It was nice –

Another girl bum rushes Kalika, whispers something in her ear, then darts off.

Kalika: Actually, change of plans. Good news — I just got off work early. I didn’t get to hear much about you. What do you say we go back to my place and talk? If you’re lucky you’ll find out that you’re not the only one who’s an animal, “Tiger.” Grrrrrr.

Tiger smirks, nods. Kalika grabs his hand, leads him out of the club. Tiger winks at Charles on his way out. Charles responds with a salute.

Here’s how this updated version of The Philadelphia Story goes. Allen Iverson suddenly retires. In the A.I. Dictionary: Answer Edition, the verb “retire” means “to officially temporarily quit the game of basketball until a team offers a ludicrous salary for a washed-up All-Star, and also promises him a starting position so he can keep jacking up questionable shots and climbing the NBA all-time scorers list, while refusing to play any defense whatsoever.”

Meanwhile, the Philadelphia 76ers are dead last in the NBA in home attendance. Hell, Patti LaBelle’s boobs probably aren’t sagging as bad as the Sixers’ ticket sales at this point. They just lost starting guard Lou Williams for eight weeks with a broken jaw that has to be wired shut Kanye West style (why can’t that happen to Kanye over and over again?). The team is 5-13 and essentially already out of the playoff race. Their record isn’t going to boost attendence, so something else will.

Even illiterate Philladelphian Charlie Kelly could put two and tow together here. The Sixers have offered A.I. a contract and presumably a starting spot in order to boost their pathetic attendance. Should Iverson decline their offer on Wednesday or not work out, here are 10 other Philadelphian publicity-stunt signings that could help fill the Wachovia Center.

10. M. Night Shyamalan – His movies now suck (Lady in the Water? I was about to drown myself in the water). The Sixers could promote him as the first-ever Indian NBA player. And just think of all the cool “Sixer Sense” marketing opportunities.

9. Kevin Bacon – Another Hollywood household name who’s from Philly and suffering through a bit of a career rut. Who big would “Sixer Degrees of Kevin Bacon” go over on the jumbotron during timeouts and quarter breaks?

8. Bill Cosby – Cosby loves hoops, is still beloved in Philadelphia and selling Jello Pudding Pops would be awesome for the little Sixers fans. He’d prob request some social commentary opportunities as a condition of his contract, though. Not sure that would help fill the seats. On the other hand, Cosby’s speech pattern is hilarious even when he’s being ultra serious.

7. Mike Schmidt – Four words: Mike Schmidt Mustache Night. Boom!

6. Joe Frazier – The most famous non-fictional boxer to represent the Fighting City of Philadelphia. I can imagine there are a lot of digruntled Philly fans who yell “just kick they ass, Sixers.” Even at the advancing age of 65, Smokin’ Joe could appease the most blood-thristy Philly sports fans.

5. Will Smith - The Fresh Prince is insanely popular everywhere, not just in his own stomping grounds. He’s also 6-foot-2, pretty athletic and went to the same high school as Wilt 20,000. Fans would love his catchphrase of “Aw, hell no!” playing on the scoreboard screen every time he rejected a shot.

4. Benjamin Franklin – Of course you can’t get the real Benjamin Franklin. But you can find some run-of-the-mill white journeyman; offer him the biggest contract he’ll ever see; get him to officially change his name to Benjamin Franklin; and have him get white extensions to replicate Franklin’s ‘do and rock goofy sport goggles. The fans would go nuts.

3. Betsy Ross – Even better than the above option. Not only do you bring back Philly’s favorite female and flagmaker, but you get to boast about signing the first ever woman to play in the NBA (Ann Meyers never actually played, folks). And you could actually get a talented WNBA player to sign, change her name and impersonate Betsy. The money and the gig would be more than convincing enough.

2. Vince Papale - I’m not sure there’s a man anywhere that makes a city anywhere more nuts than the ex-Eagles special teams standout does Philly. Well, there’s one exception…

1. Sylvestar Stallone…as Rocky – Every game would be sold out with deafening chants of Rocky set to repeat. The Sixers would have to throw “max out” money at Sly to get him to do the gig, but it would be worth it. Sly is still in great shape and seems to love to go against the grain at this point in his career. One potential snag: the NBA’s testing program for performance enhancing drugs.

Besides being a smoking hot brunette that Tiger Woods might or might not be running around with on the side, just who is Rachel Uchitel.That’s the question on everybody’s lips right about now. And if it’s not, well, dammit, it should be.

Uchitel was a producer at Bloomberg TV for five years, before moving on to event planning and club running in Las Vegas and New York. She launched the Tao restaraunt/nightclub, which went on to become the No. 1 destination of its kind. She is currently the director of VIP Operations at a joint called Pink Elephant in Southampton. Sounds like a party girl to me.

Uchitel was pretty much born into the club scene, as her grandparents owned and operated El Morocco nightclub back in the day. During the 50s, ballers like Cary Grant and JFK used to frequent the joint. She also doesn’t seem to have the most stable personal life. Her ex-fiancee was killed during the 9/11 World Trade Center attacks, and if that wouldn’t mess somebody up I’m not sure what would. Poor girl. More recently, rumors have Uchiterl boning Bones star David Boreanaz — while his wife was having a baby, apparently — and, yes, the one and only Tiger Woods.

TMZ is now reporting that Tiger was likely attacked by his wife, Elin Nordegren, and that attack seems to be the cause of both the accident and his injuries. Additionally, Uchitel lawyered up today. It’s not hard to connect the dots here — this affair is starting to look realer than “Real Deal” Holyfield.

While we wait on more info on the Uchitel-Woods extramarital “affair” to leak, here’s a photo gallery of the brunette bombshell (huge hat tip to Sports by Brooks for some of these pics, who dug up original photos here and here).

I’m way too full of tryptophan to write a long post about this after gorging my face with a meal during each NFL game, so I’m going to let Josh McDaniels do the talking. This is just normal pissed-off coachspeak, but the NFLN had McD wired. Additionally, they had already aired Deion Sanders saying “f*** me” earlier in the telecast. Two F-bombs in a day. Not bad, NFLN. We even got an apology on the second one. NSFW. Not that anybody is working this weekend.

Anytime Ed Reed gets the ball and is able to take off with it, he’s gonna lateral every time. Every SINGLE time. The score is irrelevant. The situation is irrelevant. He has to do it. It’s like Ron Burgundy reading absolutely anything that’s on the teleprompter. Reed can’t help himself.

Reed’s lateralitis continued today, when he lateraled on a late-game punt return and the Colts recovered, costing his Ravens the game. He’s “a playmaking son of a gun” my ass. CBS’ broadcast teams are awful. About as bad as Reed’s decision making. This is just an awful play.

There are touchdown catches and there are TOUCHDOWN catches. This beautiful one-hand haul by the Indianapolis Colts’ Dallas Clark from Peyton Manning is one of the latter. If Clark isn’t the best tight end in the game right now, he’s certainly in the conversation. You gotta love CBS announcer Dan Dierdorf saying, “stop it, stop it,” as Dallas Clark puts the ball up like a waiter with a tray and refuses to ever touch it with the other hand. You’ve gotta see this catch…

One of the most exciting plays in all of football is when a wide receiver plants a linebacker firmly on his ass with a big block. When a guy labeled a ”pass-catching diva” puts a mean lick on one of the big boys, it’s easy for us to get jacked up as fans. Speaking of jacking people up, that’s exactly what itty, bitty Panthers WR Steve Smith did on Thursday night. During a running play he made clam chowder out of Dolphins LB Channing Crowder. I’m not sure what was more sore for Crowder after Smith’s big block — his pride or his keister? Here’s the highlight…

The year was 1994. I might have been an effed up kid mourning the loss of Kurt Cobain, but I still paid attention to the world of film. That year, three of my all-time favorite films dropped: Hoop Dreams, Pulp Fiction and The Shawshank Redemption.In the first installment of Scene Switcheroo, I’ll mash up the latter two of those films to form one iconic scene — Jules Winnfield filling in for Ellis “Red” Redding during Red’s final parole hearing.

INT. – PAROLE HEARINGS ROOM, SHAWSHANK PENITENTIARY, MAINE — DAY

The PAROLE HEARING PANEL sits at a table, waiting for its next hearing. JULES WINNFIELD strolls into the room. He grabs a drink from the table.

Jules: What’s in this?

Parole Hearings Man: Sprite.

Jules: Sprite, good. You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down?

Parole Hearings Man: (uncomfortable) Go right ahead.

Jules sucks down the soft drink through its straw.

Jules: Ah, hit the spot.

Jules sets the drink down and slides into his seat.

Parole Hearings Man: Jules Alouicious Winnfield, your files say you’ve served 40 years of a life sentence. Do you feel you’ve been rehabilitated?

Jules: English, motherf***er, do you speak it?

Parole Hearings Man: Well, it means that you’re ready to rejoin society…

Red: I know what your ass thinks it means, Flock of Seagulls. To me it’s just some made up sh**. Some politician’s word, so motherf***ers like yourself can wear a suit and a tie, and have a job. What do you really want to know? Am I sorry for the sh** I did?

Parole Hearings Man: Well, are you?

Jules: Say “well” again. Say “well” again, I dare you, I double dare you motherf***er, say what one more goddamn time!

Parole Hearings Man: Sorry, sir. What I was asking is do you feel sorry for what you have done?

Jules: Oh, man, I will never forgive my ass for that sh**. That was some f***ed-up repugnant sh**.

Parole Hearings Man: Well…

Jules: (Jules shoots the man next to him) I’m sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn’t mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying. What’s the matter? Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort.  Did you ever hear the philosophy that once a man admits that he’s wrong that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings?

Jules stares down the panel.

I’m a mushroom-cloud-layin’ motherf***er, motherf***er! Every time my fingers touch a mop, I’m Superfly T.N.T., I’m the Guns of the Navarone! IN FACT, WHAT THE F*** AM I DOIN’ IN A CELL? YOU’RE THE MOTHERF***ER WHO SHOULD BE ON MOP DETAIL! We’re f***in’ switchin’! I’m in charge of parole hearings, and you’re mopin’ up this n***er’s piss!

The panel just sits there with their mouths wide open.

Jules: There’s a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”

Jules whips out his “Bad Mother F***er” wallet and plays with it.

I been sayin’ that sh** for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherf***er before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some sh** this mornin’ made me think twice. Now I’m thinkin’: it could mean you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he’s the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. I’d like that. But that sh** ain’t the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m tryin’, Ringo. I’m tryin’ real hard to be a shepherd.

Jules gets up and heads out the door. After he exits, the remaining panel members make eye contact and nod their heads in approval. The Parole Hearings Man grabs Jules’ parole hearing form and stamps…

Sure, the shot didn’t count. Sure, the Celtics didn’t need the points against an overmatched Warriors team. Sure, the basket always starts to look like an ocean when you’re playin against Nelly’s Dubs (as Brandon Jennings displayed last weekend). Nonetheless, this three-quarters-court shot by Kevin Garnett just after the second-quarter buzzer is crazy impressive.

K.G. even swished it. One thing is clear; if Tom Brady’s arm is hurting and the Pats need somebody to come in and throw a hailmary (which they once did with Michael Bishop), they can always call upon the Big Ticket. He’d be able to get it there. Check out this miracle shot by Garnett. If only the poor bastards who always seems to clank those million-dollar shots could get so lucky.