It goes without saying that Peyton Manning and Drew Brees are two of the best quarterbacks in football. You could make the argument they have been the top pair of signal callers over the last two seasons. With this in mind, there’s a better than average chance that whoever doesn’t win Super Bowl XLIV will still play himself one helluva game.

More often than not, the defeated Super Bowl quarterback plays like ass. See Rich Gannon and Kerry Collins. Sometimes the winner stinks up the joint too. See Ben Roethlisberger and Earl Morrall. On a few occasions, the guy hanging his head puts up some good numbers in a losing effort.

Here are the ten best quarterback performances that weren’t quite good enough to capture the Lombardi Trophy.

10: Dan Marino – Super Bowl XIX

Stats: 29/50, 318 yards, 2 TDs/1 INT, 4 carries for 15 yards and 1 TD

The Dolphins led after one quarter, but three 49ers scores before halftime sealed Marino’s fate. He did what he could, but it wasn’t meant to be for the Hall of Famer.

9: John Elway – Super Bowl XXI

Stats: 22/37, 304 yards, 1 TD/1 INT, 6 carries for 27 yards and 1 TD

Smilin’ John was overshadowed by Phil Simms’ near perfect showing. The Broncos defense lost this one by allowing 30 second-half points.

8: Donovan McNabb – Super Bowl XXXIX

Stats: 30/51, 357 yards, 3 TDs/3 INTs

Don’s three untimely picks and his upchucking on the final drive drew all the headlines. However, his 30 completions ranks third best in history.

7: Steve McNair – Super Bowl XXXIV

Stats: 22/36, 214 yards, 8 carries for 64 yards

If you watched this game then you know how outstanding McNair played. In one of the best Super Bowls ever, the Titans quarterback was literally inches away from winning.

6: Kurt Warner – Super Bowl XXXVI

Stats: 28/44, 365 yards, 1 TD/2 INT, 3 carries for 6 yards and 1 TD

Warner was always money when the spotlight was brightest. Unfortunately for him and the Rams, Ty Law and the Patriots would not be denied.

5: Roger Staubach – Super Bowl XIII

Stats: 17/30, 228 yards, 3 TDs/1 INT, 4 carries for 37 yards

Staubach went head-to-head with Terry Bradshaw in a battle of Big Game legends, but a furious fourth quarter rally fell short. It was Roger’s second defeat to Bradshaw’s Steelers.

4: Ken Anderson – Super Bowl XVI

Stats: 25/34, 300 yards, 2 TDs/2 INT, 4 carries for 15 yards and 1 TD

On paper, Anderson out-dueled Joe Montana. As crazy as that sounds, the mustachioed Anderson nearly nabbed a Lombardi Trophy for the Bengals.

3: Brett Favre – Super Bowl XXXII

Stats: 25/42, 256 yards, 3 TDs/1 INT

Favre’s bid to capture back-to-back championships was ruined by Terrell Davis. The gunslinger unloaded his pistols, but to no avail.

2: Kurt Warner – Super Bowl XLIII

Stats: 31/43, 377 yards, 3 TDs/1 INT

If only Warner had one more shot with the ball. He carried the Cardinals as far as he could and wrote another brilliant chapter to his remarkable career.

1: Jake Delhomme – Super Bowl XXXVIII

Stats: 16/32, 323 yards, 3 TDs/0 INT

Believe it or not, Delhomme delivered the goods in one of the most exciting Super Bowls to date. Tom Brady got the accolades, but Jake deserved the respect.

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and the Associate Editor/Lead Writer for FlickSided. You can follow him on Twitter.

]]> http://fansided.com/2010/02/04/10-best-super-bowl-performances-by-losing-quarterbacks/feed/ 0 http://fansided.com/2010/02/03/dwight-freeneys-ankle-speaks/ http://fansided.com/2010/02/03/dwight-freeneys-ankle-speaks/#comments Wed, 03 Feb 2010 03:16:18 +0000 Scott Tunstall http://fansided.com/?p=72349

The most popular interview at Super Bowl Media Day wasn’t Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Jim Caldwell or Sean Payton. No, it was Colts defensive end Dwight Freeney. Specifically, his swollen right ankle. Surrounded by a gaggle of media from across the globe, Freeney’s bum body part faced a flurry of pointed questions about its health and availability for Sunday’s Super Bowl matchup.

It started out cordial enough, but soon turned ugly. Lucky for the Chronicles, we got our hands on the Media Day transcript (Warning: some of this is NSFW).

Freeney’s ankle props itself in front of an army of microphones to face the firing squad.

FOX Sports: Ankle, how do you feel five days before the Big Game?

Ankle: Honestly, I’ve been better. But I’m rehabbing like crazy.

Miami Herald: Is five days of rest enough time to heal properly?

Ankle: Well, I don’t need to fully heal. I figure if I can get to 75%, I’ll be good to go.

ESPN: What percentage are you at now?

Ankle: Probably 50%.

Telemundo: Qué es rehabilitación como?

Ankle: Rehab is hard work. Lots of ice. Then they stick those damn electrodes in me. I guess they help, not really sure.

New York Times: Are your ligaments torn?

Ankle: Uh, no comment.

New York Times: Do you know if they’re torn, or don’t you want to say?

Freeney’s ankle glares at the Times reporter.

Ankle: I already answered the question. Who’s next?

E! Television: Which movie do you like to win Best Picture at this year’s Oscars?

Ankle: I’m going with Inglorious Basterds. That Diane Kruger chick has some nice legs.

CBS Sports: Back to the game, ankle. If the field is wet, will that affect your ability to plant?

Ankle: It could. Hopefully the weather will clear up by Sunday.

LA Times: How important is it for you to get pressure on Drew Brees?

Ankle: Very. If he has time to set up and throw, it’ll be a long night for us.

Style Network: What kind of socks do you prefer?

Ankle: Not a fan of wool. Too hot. I like quarter-high. You get a little bit of coverage, but not so much that you can’t breathe.

NFL Network: What is Dwight like off the field?

Ankle: He’s pretty funny. Likes to joke around. And man can he pound some ribs. Never seen a man who loves ribs like Dwight.

Times-Picayune: What are your thoughts on Jermon Bushrod?

Ankle: Good young player. Struggled early in the season, but he’s been solid in the playoffs. He presents a big challenge for me and Dwight.

Orlando Sentinel: Are you ready to go to Disney World if you win?

Ankle: Yeah, that’d be great. I’ve never been, but we gotta take care of business first.

Ryan Seacrest: Are you single, ankle?

Ankle: No, I’m with my left ankle. We’ve been together for 29 years.

Dallas Morning News: How has this experience been different from the 2006 season?

Ankle: The biggest difference is I’m not healthy like I was back then.

Geraldo Rivera: Do you know where Al Capone’s tomb is?

Ankle: Sorry, brother. Can’t help you.

New York Times: Do you or don’t you have torn ligaments?

Freeney’s ankle looks visibly frustrated.

Ankle: You again? Like I said before, no comment.

New York Times: This is the Super Bowl. I think we have a right to know.

Ankle: You do, do you. Why, because you’re the New York Times?

New York Times: No. Because this is the biggest game of the year.

Freeney’s ankle pauses to adjust one of the mics. Then it takes a sip of water.

Ankle: Listen. Even if my ligaments are torn, it doesn’t mean I won’t be able to play on Sunday.

New York Times: Are they torn or not? It’s a simple question.

Ankle: You wanna know if they’re torn?

New York Times: Yeah, I do.

Ankle: You do, huh?

New York Times: Yes.

Ankle: Alright! Yeah, my fucking ligaments are torn. In fact, they look like shredded mozzarella. Is that what you wanna hear you fuckin’ piece of shit New York Times douchebag?!

New York Times: Yeah, that’ll do. Thanks, ankle.

Freeney’s ankle tries to jump into the crowd, but Freeney pulls it back and puts it under the table.

Ankle (muffled): Don’t put me away, Dwight! I’m not finished with that pencil-necked shitbag! Let me at him, I’ll tear him a new asshole!

Freeney throws a towel over his ankle. NFL PR people rush the stage.

Freeney: That’s enough questions for today. My ankle is pretty tired, as you can see.

Ankle (muffled): I’m not through. Where is that Times fuck? I’ll stick a toe in his eye!

Freeney exits the stage escorted by some league handlers. The press pool is abuzz.

Ankle (in the distance): … I’ll be back… just you see….

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and the Associate Editor/Lead Writer for FlickSided. You can follow him on Twitter.

The NFL Pro Bowl is a joke. Can we all agree on that? Even if we can’t, I’m not about to stop trashing the dumbest All-Star game in all of sports. The players don’t give a shit about it and the media’s fruitless attempts to deem it relevant are laughable.

Despite what Commish Rog Goodell says, his decision to move the glorified scrimmage to the week before the Super Bowl, in the same city as the Super Bowl, hasn’t exactly had the desired effect he was hoping for. Yeah, it’s sold out, but that’s only because it’s a helluva lot cheaper to travel to Miami than Hawaii.

Late season injuries have always watered down the game, but making matters worse this year is the Colts and Saints holding everyone out. Hey Rog, the teams that reach the Big Game usually have a lot of Pro Bowlers. Who told you it would be a grand idea to not have Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, Dwight Freeney, Drew Brees, Darren Sharper, Will Smith and Jonathan Vilma available to participate in what is supposed to be a showcase for the league’s elite? Ugh.

My growing hatred for the Pro Bowl has emboldened me to devise an alternative to the pointless drivel we are subjected to every damn year. I still want the best players named to their respective squads, but rather than play a lame football game, I’ve compiled a list of seven events guaranteed to entertain even the most cynical of pricks. Let’s get to it.

7 – Quarterback Connect Four

Who cares which signal caller threw for more yards and touchdowns? I wanna see if Peyton has what it takes to best Brees in this classic test of upright checkers. The nonstop drama will have viewers wringing hands and grinding teeth.

6 – Offensive Lineman Greco Roman Wrestling

Ryan Clady versus Steve Hutchinson. Logan Mankins against Jason Peters. Nothing beats 340 lb behemoths dressed in tights rolling on top of one another. On second thought, that’s really disturbing. Oh well, they all can’t be winners.

5 – Wide Receiver Soduku

And they thought the Wonderlic was a bitch. Watching Andre Johnson and Miles Austin compete to fill the 9×9 magic square beats the hell outta them catching a soft coverage 60-yard bomb for six.

4 – Linebacker Miniature Golf

James Harrison owns the clown’s mouth. Patrick Willis dominates the windmill. Something’s gotta give. Beware of Ray Lewis though. I hear the dude played professionally in college. Can you say hustler?

3 – Defensive Tackle Twister

Haloti Ngata, Vince Wilfork, Darnell Dockett. Do I really need to paint a picture here folks? I think it speaks for itself. Right leg green!

2 – Kicker/Punter Dunking Booth

This is a special treat for all the “real” football players. Step right up and dunk a kicker! I predict this will be the most popular of all the events.

1 – Running Back Hopscotch

You gotta think Chris Johnson would kick some serious ass in this one. Don’t count out AP. He could surprise, provided he doesn’t fumble the marker.

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and an Associate Editor/Lead Writer for FlickSided.com. You can follow him on Twitter.

]]> http://fansided.com/2010/01/29/7-events-that-should-replace-the-pro-bowl/feed/ 0 http://fansided.com/2010/01/27/if-nba-point-guards-were-sports-cars/ http://fansided.com/2010/01/27/if-nba-point-guards-were-sports-cars/#comments Wed, 27 Jan 2010 05:30:11 +0000 Scott Tunstall http://fansided.com/?p=70227

They might not always get the pub they deserve, but point guards run the show in pro basketball. Studs like Kobe, LeBron, Melo and Dirk are able to dominate night in and night out due in large to the little big dudes who distribute the ball.

Remove point men from the equation and what’s left is a disjointed pickup game featuring a bunch of chuckers and dunkers. Exciting? Yes. Orderly? Not in the least.

Since point guards carry the keys and drive the offense, it only makes sense they should be compared to sports cars. Well, at least in my twisted mind it does. So, without further ado, here are some of the NBA’s finest wheelmen and their auto equivalents.

Aaron Brooks/Lotus

Compact, quick and extremely underrated.

Tony Parker/ Facel Vega

Parker is a Frenchie making a name in America. The Facel Vega was a French roadster with an American V8 engine.

Derrick Rose/Bugatti Veyron

Weird looking, but each has unlimited potential.

Chauncey Billups/’69 Camaro

Both have consistently kicked ass for years flying under the radar.

Russell Westbrook/Nissan 350Z

Young, brash and brimming with energy, they are a notch below the elite in their class.

Baron Davis/ ‘79 Trans Am

Bulls in a china shop. This pair can burn rubber with the best of them.

Gilbert Arenas/’68 Ford Mustang CID Fastback

Just pull the trigger and gun it. Yeah, it’s the car from Bullitt. I’m nothing if not subtle.

Deron Williams/Lamborghini Gallardo

Big, physical and loaded with horsepower.

Rajon Rondo/Porsche 911

There is no substitute for being silky smooth.

Jason Kidd/ ‘70 Dodge Challenger

Classic muscle cars like these two get better with age.

Steve Nash/’67 Corvette

Throwbacks to a bygone era. Both are timeless.

Chris Paul/Ferrari Scuderia

The total package. Strength, speed and killer moves. They are the best in the game.

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and the Associate Editor/Lead Writer for FlickSided.com. You can follow him on Twitter.

I’m of the belief that firing projectiles into people’s faces via Nitrus-powered contraptions should be made into an Olympic sport. It always tickles my fancy seeing some dumbass kid willingly allow his friends and family to use his own mug for target practice.

While perusing nonsensical hilarity on YouTube, I stumbled upon this winner that proves two things: 1) humanity is not long for this universe and 2) pain and embarrassment always equals funny. The little bastard laughing maniacally off camera adds greatly to the festivities. Enjoy.

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and Lead Writer for FlickSided. You can follow him on Twitter.

This will come as no surprise to anyone who has ever heard Jets coach Rex Ryan speak, but the man sure does enjoy dropping F-bombs. Especially when his team just upset the San Diego Chargers to advance to the AFC Championship game.

Nuthin’ rallies the boys quite like a good string of foul language. I like Rex Ryan. I like his old man, Buddy. Both guys are all about kicking ass, taking names and beheading opponents with broad swords, then shitting down their bloody stump of a neck.

Here are Rexy’s postgame comments to his team:

Awe-inspiring stuff. Who wouldn’t want this guy to be their head coach? Nobody. Except maybe the parents of an eight-year-old.

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and a contributor to FlickSided.com. You can follow him on Twitter.

Donovan McNabb ain’t going anywhere. Eagles fans just need to accept it and move on. Even though they’re stuck with 5, that doesn’t mean they haven’t stopped dreaming up all sorts of wild and wacky trade possibilities.

One that’s already become passé is McNabb for Julius Peppers straight up. Sounds logical. Cats need a QB and the Birds are desperate for help at left defensive end. A match made in heaven, right? Uh, wrong. It will never happen.

I’m bored as hell, so I decided to join in on the fun. Here are ten more potential trade scenarios that will not come to fruition… I think.

10 – McNabb to Raiders for Darrius Heyward-Bey

Some stubborn fans still seem to think wide receiver is a need. Apparently they were asleep when DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin and Jason Avant were streaking up and down fields in ’09. Well, acquiring the slippery handed DHB will definitely help quiet their cries. Sure he’s a first-round bust, but he’s big. If there’s one thing the Eagles need, it’s a BIG wide receiver.

9 – McNabb to Vikings for Brett Favre

When Minnesota collapses, Favre will bolt, rather than face the music. He’s cool like that. Birds’ backers want a Super Bowl-winning signal caller with poise and moxie. Brett’s an egomaniacal ass who cares only about himself. Close enough.

8 – McNabb to Dolphins for Ricky Williams

Finally, after eleven years, all those grumpy malcontents who booed Don at the ’99 draft will get their wish. Ricky Williams in midnight green. Oh Ricky, you complete me. You and your birds nest beard and your connections to quality weed.

7 – McNabb to Bills for a Year’s Supply of Buffalo Wings

If you’ve ever had the privilege of consuming the best chicken wings on the planet, then you know this is a sweet deal. Plus, there’s the added bonus should the Bills bring back T.O. Ohhhhh, the drama!

6 – McNabb to Falcons for Michael Vick

Wait a minute. Vick’s already on the Eagles. Damn! I really liked that one too.

5 – McNabb to Browns for Braylon Edwards

Shit! The Jets already dealt for Edwards last season, or so I’ve been told. Is this really true? A team was actually stupid enough to trade for Braylon Edwards? Unbelievable.

4 – McNabb to Cowboys for Their Gargantuan TV

Have you seen that fu**ing monitor? It’s awesome with a capital X, which stands for Xbox 360, because that’s what Eagles fans will be playing once the organization parks that beautiful piece of modern technology outside Lincoln Financial Field.

3 – McNabb to Seahawks for Aaron Curry

Hmm. This one actually makes sense. What the hell is it doing on this list?

2 – McNabb to Patriots for Randy Moss

Pats need a quality backup. Check. Eagles need to add Moss to their potent receiving corps because they intend on throwing the ball 70 times a game with Kevin Kolb under center. Check.

1 – McNabb to Giants for Eli Manning

Eagles’ brass makes this move just so they can wave a giant middle finger at the fan base for decades of bitching and moaning. Eli as an Eagle equals hilarious.

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and a contributing writer for FlickSided.com. You can follow him on Twitter.

Now that the pesky Wild Card round of the NFL playoffs is out of the way, we can settle in to watch the big boys on the block scrap. The fraudulent Bengals and Eagles have been vanquished, as have the overrated Patriots and Packers. It’s go time for the best of the best.

Who among these juggernauts has what it takes to capture the prized Vince Lombardi Trophy? That is the million-dollar question. Do they all posses the appropriate amount of intestinal fortitude to become world champs, or are some pansies, masquerading as tough guys?

In order to determine who’s legit, I’m going to take a closer look at each of the eight combatants. Hopefully, I can help shed some light on this pigskin-sized puzzle. If not, I can take solace in knowing that I gave 110% with my back against the wall. I came out fighting because it was do or die. No excuses, I gotta tip my hat to…

Baltimore Ravens, aka “The Omar Littles”

Outlook – This could be Ray-Ray’s last shot at balling in another Super Bowl. He turns 35 in May. 2010 will be an uncapped year. Nobody knows what the landscape of the league will look like in six months. As was the case in 2000, this Ravens team features a strong defense, power running attack and serviceable game manager under center.

Can they win it all? – Knocking off the Colts and Chargers is a daunting task. However, if anyone can pull it off, it would be Baltimore. They beat San Diego in week 2 and took the Colts to the wire in week 11. If they avoid turnovers, don’t be surprised to see them in Miami. That being said, John Harbaugh is an Andy Reid disciple, which means the stench of agonizing failure lingers in his wake.

San Diego Chargers, aka “The Choke Artists”

Outlook – An eleven-game win streak is mighty impressive. Philip Rivers is in the zone. LT still has some giddy-up left in his go. Vincent Jackson and Antonio Gates are one helluva dynamic duo. The defense has improved dramatically since September. What’s not to love about this team? Uh, well, hmm…

Can they win it all? – Sure, but don’t bust open your piggie bank and run to the bookies just yet. Despite four consecutive playoff appearances, the Bolts have a tendency to fold under pressure. They are kinda like the AFC version of the Eagles. Brace yourselves for an egregious Norv Turner error at some point. On the bright side, the Pats – who have given them fits in the past – are out of the picture.

New York Jets, aka “The Chosen Ones”

Outlook – Just because Rex Ryan eats babies for breakfast and washes them down with Antifreeze doesn’t mean the Jets are invincible. Well, according to Rex, it does… but the rest of us live in the real world, not the science fiction Mad Max-like existence inhabited by Rex. The Jets are good on defense, but have a rookie quarterback and no wide receivers.

Can they win it all? – Again, if you listen to Rex, they’ve already won it all. Rex knows this because he traveled through time in his DeLorean and saw the Jets hoisting Lombardi. Okay, so the guy is a raving madman, but you gotta appreciate his gumption. Unfortunately, gumption will only take you so far. The Jets are not long for the postseason.

Indianapolis Colts, aka “The Choir Boys”

Outlook – Alright, so they gave up on an undefeated season. They’re still the team to beat with a 14-2 record. Peyton Manning took home a fourth career MVP. The offense is as potent as ever. The defense always manages to come up big in a pinch. It’s the Colts. They are predictably sound in all phases of the game. In other words, boring as shit.

Can they win it all? – The field stacks up well in their favor. Manning is the best in the biz and has a geyser of experience. However, San Diego has always been a thorn in Indy’s side, and whoever wins the NFC will be a tough out. I like their chances, but they are not a sure thing to even reach the Bowl.

Arizona Cardinals, aka “Jesus Loves Them”

Outlook – One-year wonders? Not bloody likely! Kurt Warner and GOD are mates. How do you compete with that? Chris Wells has emerged. Even without Anquan Boldin, the pass attack is lethal. A shaky defense is the only thing holding them back. However, they can bring the heat; 43 sacks during the season and five last week versus the Packers.

Can they win it all? – Don’t bet against divine intervention. These Cards are cardiac. Old man Warner has the résumé and seems determined to get another ring before retiring to heaven. If they can outduel the Saints in the Super Dome, look out.

Minnesota Vikings, aka “The Lawnmower Men”

Outlook – Brad Childress wanted Brett Favre. Brett Favre wanted the Vikings. In point of fact, Favre wanted to feed his ego another heapin’ helpin’ of attention-seeking pie. Nevertheless, the Vikes are in prime position to exorcise their playoff demons riding the arm of Favre and the legs of AP. The defense floundered down the stretch, which is cause for concern.

Can they win it all? – It would make for a storybook ending for all those who give a shit about Favre’s legacy. That list includes Favre and anyone associated with ESPN, but that’s pretty much it. Sadly, like John Harbaugh, Brad Childress attended the school of Andy Reid. Poor clock management, horrendous play-calling and a boneheaded replay challenge will be the Vikings undoing.

New Orleans Saints, aka “The Gumbo Kings”

Outlook – Gumbo Kings? I admit, that’s pretty lame. Sorry, I ran out of steam when I got to the Aints. Anyway, they dropped their final three games and looked mortal after dominating much of the season. Injuries on defense and a fading running game both contributed to their December swoon. Momentum is gone, but the desire to prove the doubters wrong should provide plenty of motivation.

Can they win it all? – A month ago the answer would have been a resounding YES. Now they are a bit of an enigma. If they can relocate their mojo, a title run is very possible. Brees has experience, but his last playoff push was in 2006. If their opportunistic defense does its job and Brees finds a groove, look for them in Miami next month.

Dallas Cowboys, aka “Jerry’s Kids”

Outlook – The fourteen-year national nightmare is finally over. The Cowboys have removed the fat, disgusting, odorous monkey from their backs and won a playoff game. Hooray! “America’s Team” is back! And so are the millions of bandwagon fans who’ve been in hiding since 1995. Excuse me while I projectile upchuck into my toilet. Romo is playing out of his mind and the defense is the best in football right now.

Can they win it all? – If they do, then the football Gods are cruel, cruel misanthropes who lack an iota of compassion. As much as it pains me to write, the ‘Boys are seriously dangerous. Great quarterback play and a stifling D is a perfect recipe for capturing championship glory.

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.

We watch pro football for lots of reasons. Fierce competition. High drama. Superbly gifted athletes. Oh, and devastating hits.

Contact sport, collision sport, call it what you want. Football is all about smashing bodies into bodies. It’s the ultimate test of physical will; one that thrives on intimidation and punishment.

I’ve seen countless of crushing hits throughout the years. Some have made me stand up and shout. Others have caused me to wince and recoil. A select few are permanently embedded in my memory.

The following is a list of ten spine-rattling blows from recent years. Just make sure you buckle your chin strap before watching.

10 – Making An Impression

I think this was preseason game. I have no idea if this Bishop fella made the team, but he certainly knows how to lower the boom on wide receivers.

9 – He Can’t Catch, but…

Limas Sweed hasn’t really proven to be an NFL receiver. Seven receptions in two seasons is pretty pathetic. However, the dude gets an A in the blocking department after delivering this torpedo shot.

8 – A Boldin Sandwich

I remember watching this game live. For a few seconds, I thought Boldin was dead. Scary stuff. Despite a broken jaw, he was back playing three weeks later.

7 – Steamrolled

Safety LaRon Landry pretty much gets run over like a deer by the semi-truck that is Brandon Jacobs. Hey, I give him credit for the attempt.

6 – Muy Doloroso

That means “very painful.” Maybe this is the hit that turned Ochocinco loco? Never mind. He’s always had a screw loose.

5 – Vintage Hines

No wonder Hines Ward has the rep as the best blocking receiver in the game. Ed Reed should know better than to take his eye of #86.

4 – Special Teams Are Fun

Coaches need to use this as a teaching tool for how to bring down a kick returner. It’s textbook.

3 – Pro Bowl Blast

The late great Sean Taylor knew how to lay the lumber. Especially on Pro Bowl punters. Ouch!

2 – Sheldon’s Encore

Everyone recalls cornerback Sheldon Brown’s thump on Reggie Bush. This helmet-removing knock on Steven Jackson is just as impressive.

1 – The King Is Alive

Two words: Ray Lewis. No further explanation required.

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.

An end to the NFL regular season brings with it the demise of another fantasy campaign. You are either basking in the glow of championship domination, or wallowing in a tepid pool of misery as you retrace the countless missteps you made along the tumultuous road that was 2009.

Whichever category you fall into, you will undoubtedly be praising those athletically gifted gents who made weekly lineup decisions much less tasking, or cursing the names of those overpaid corpses who ruined your chances at capturing fake glory.

Now is the time here at the Fiasco when we hand out seasonal awards. The best of the best and the worst of the worst are all subject to our all-knowing, all-seeing eye. Nothing escapes our gaze, kinda like that creepy “Eye of Sauron” from The Lord of the Rings:

So, without further ado, let us pay tribute to those who shined and those who shat during the 2009 season.

The All-Ninja Team

QB – Aaron Rodgers – What, no Drew Brees? That’s right. Rodgers was consistently productive every week with 30 touchdown passes to just seven interceptions. In one my leagues, he recorded double-digit points in all his starts. Not even Brees or Peyton accomplished that. In addition, he led all quarterbacks with 316 rushing yards and chipped in five scores. Rodgers has definitely entered elite status. Even his beard has reached elite status.

RB1 – Chris Johnson – Not only is he the best running back in football, he’s also the best fantasy player period. Over 2500 total yards and 16 trips for six. Incredibly, the majority of his damage was done in the final ten games. He will assuredly supplant Adrian Peterson as the overall number one selection in drafts next summer. Never mind. He’s going to skip the season crying poverty.

RB2 – Maurice Jones-Drew – The best hyphenated name in the game edges out AP because despite being the entire focal point of the Jaguars offense, he still managed to yield solid results on Sundays. Some thought he might not be able to carry the full-time load, but 1700 total yards and 16 scores is proof to the contrary. He does need to attend the Deion Sanders School of Touchdown Celebrations. That “Prada Store” ditty is ridiculous.

WR1 – Andre Johnson – All Andre needs to do is find the end zone a little more often and he will be the consensus best receiver in the game. He’s big, fast and catches everything in sight. Playing in Houston hasn’t helped his star power, but like Reggie Wayne, he just goes about his business minus the prima donna attitude. On second thought, he should start behaving like a raging prick. That will definitely improve his credibility.

WR2 – DeSean Jackson – Wow, this dynamo got really good, really fast. I anticipated an uptick in his production this season, but nowhere near the big play ability he displayed. Eight touchdowns over 50 yards and twelve in all is mighty impressive. Like Chris Johnson, Jackson is a threat to score every time he touches the ball. Too bad his quarterback can’t piss in the ocean without missing the water.

WR3 – Vincent Jackson – Perhaps a mild surprise, but V-Jax has turned himself into quite the go-to player on one of the league’s most potent offensive attacks. He set career highs in catches, yards and touchdowns in ‘09 and is a big reason why the Chargers are a legit Super Bowl contender. Unfortunately, Norv Turner is his head coach, which means crushing disappointment can’t be far off.

TE – Vernon Davis – Who saw this coming? He more than doubled his receptions from a year ago and his thirteen sixers tied an NFL record for tight ends. Apparently, Mike Singletary’s questioning of his manhood struck a nerve. I’m certain Michael Crabtree is already whispering in his ear that he’s vastly underpaid. Is that a contract squabble I smell? Why, yes it is.

The All-Dandie Team

QB – Jay Cutler – If you were fortunate enough to be in a league that doesn’t penalize for interceptions, then Cutler was serviceable. However, most weren’t afforded such luxury. 26 picks and 27 TDs is not what the Bears faithful had in mind when bad haired Jay strolled into town. Having a million dollar arm and a ten cent head won’t cut it in the pros. Just ask Ryan Leaf.

RB1 – Matt Forte – Yes, another Bear. Forte was the biggest bust in fantasy this year and I would know, because he blighted my roster all season long. Four touchdowns? Was it a product of Cutler’s turnovers and the offensive line’s woeful play, or is Forte destined to walk in the diarrhea-filled shoes of other Chicago flops like Salaam, Enis and Benson?

RB2 – Brandon Jacobs – What an unmitigated disaster this mound of shit turned out to be. Not once did he eclipse 100 yards rushing in a game. His touchdowns slipped from 15 in ‘08 to six in ‘09. Oh, and he pretty much quit on his team in week 16. Safe to say, I’ll never draft this waste of flesh again. Good riddance, fatass.

WR1 – Calvin Johnson – Megatron looked more like Megasuck most of the season. Nagging injuries, horrid quarterback play and constant double teams all contributed to Calvin’s awful numbers. I expect a major bounce back in 2010, which means very little. I predicted a major bounce back for Brian Westbrook this year.

WR2 – Greg Jennings – I recall seeing this dude picked in the first round of some experts’ drafts last summer. Like a dickhead, I bought into the hype and nabbed him late in the second round. It seemed like a safe pick at the time. I expected somewhere between 10-12 scores. He got me four. I hope you trip and fall down a long flight of thick metal stairs, Greg Jennings.

WR3 – Roy Williams - Well, the Cowboys found a more than suitable replacement for Terrell Owens. His name isn’t Roy Williams, though. No, Roy continued to run lazy routes and drop easy catches. In other words, he lived up to his bust status in spades.

TE – Dustin Keller – It was thought that Keller’s numbers would spike because rookie Mark Sanchez would need a safety outlet in the passing game. Didn’t happen. Keller’s stats stayed the same. No reason for him to hang his head. He’s still the most kick ass Keller since Helen.

The All-Wire Team

QB – Alex Smith – Just when you think he’s done for good, the 49ers pull him out of mothballs. Down the stretch, Smitty was money. He set a career high with 18 touchdown passes and did so in just eleven starts. If Michael Crabtree matures next year, Smith could end up a top 10 fantasy quarterback. I can’t believe I just wrote that.

RB1 – Jamaal Charles – What a fu**ing beast this guy turned out to be. 1417 total yards and eight scores in only ten starts. Whoa! I foresee him being a trendy first-round pick this summer. He needs a nickname. Hmm. His initials are JC… I got it. How about Jesus Christ? I like the sound of that. “JC: A savior in KC.”

RB2 – Jerome Harrison – If you were shrewd enough to snatch this guy off the scrap heap a few weeks ago and plug him into your lineup, then you were probably rewarded with a fantasy title. His bizarro world week 15 performance was one for the ages. He’s still a Brown, though. I’d steer clear in drafts.

WR1 – Miles Austin – From third string to Pro Bowl in three months. Not too shabby. Along with DeSean, Miles was the most deadly big play threat in the NFC. His week 5 coming out party versus the Chiefs had the look and feel of a one-week wonder. Looks can be deceiving. I still say his name sounds like that of a polo player.

WR2 – Sidney Rice – The biggest benefactor to Brett Favre’s arrival had to be Rice. He went from barely making the team, to flirting with the Pro Bowl. I seriously doubt the combo of Tavaris/Sage will treat Sidney as kindly should Favre retire, again. Wait a sec. Brett Favre will never retire. He is a GOD and should be worshiped as such.

WR3 – Robert Meachem – This guy single-handedly bailed out one of my fake rosters, twice. Like Sidney, he reached his potential in year number three. However, the fact that Brees likes to spread the ball around hurts his future value. That and the fact that his name rhymes with “peach,” which as we all know is one of wussiest of fruits, albeit a tasty one.

TE – Brent Celek – The third-year tight end broke out in a big, big way in ‘09. Three one hundred yard games and eight touchdowns will catapult him up the preseason rankings. He has the tools to be a great one for years to come. Especially when Donovan McNabb gets traded to the Browns.

The Best of the Rest

Ray Rice – A surefire top 10 pick in 2010. He’s Brian Westbrook without the bad ankle, knee and head.

Rashard Mendenhall – Runs hard and appears to have shaken his fumbling problems.

Cedric Benson – I still can’t believe it’s possible to resurrect a career in Cincinnati. Another driving-a-boat-while-drunk arrest has to be in his future.

Ricky Williams – Who says 32-year-old running backs can’t hack it? Must have been all that pot he smoked back in the day.

Dallas Clark – Man, it must be fun to have Peyton Manning as your quarterback.

Derrick Mason – All he had to do was catch that wide open touchdown versus the Steelers. Oh well. He still can ball at age 35. Maybe the Browns can trade for him.

Matt Schaub – Finally made it threw a full schedule without missing a game. The results? 4770 yards and 29 TDs.

Vince Young – As long as he stops contemplating suicide, he should be pretty decent.

Brett Favre – You had me at the second comeback. Or was it the third? No matter. 33 touchdown tosses and only seven picks is pedestrian for a GOD. He must be saving his best for the Super Bowl.

Song I Can’t Stop Listening To – “Let Me Ride” by Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg and Daz

I love me some true old skool rap. The over-produced drivel being pumped out today is downright laughable. I just sounded like a grumpy old man there. Next thing you know I’ll be yelling at the neighborhood skateboarders to get off my driveway.

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Alas, it’s time to close up shop here at the Fiasco. Fear not, I shall return, when the mercury hits 90 and fat men are struggling to breathe at two-a-days. Until then….

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.

Another decade is in the books. Naturally, everyone is rolling out their “best of” lists because that’s the thing to do before the calendar flips to 2010. It’s not very original, but for those of us who enjoy basking in nostalgia, it’s a great way to relive some of the finer moments from the previous ten years.

I’m cuckoo for cinema, and since it’s always fun to discuss and debate one’s favorite flicks, I’m going to rewind the 2000s to pay homage to a decade of big screen brilliance. Rather than assemble an arbitrary list of the ten or twenty best films, I’ll take each year individually and discuss the movies that affected me most.

Now, my criteria for what constitutes a great film undoubtedly differs from others. For example, I place more significance on re-watch value and score/soundtrack. Whether you agree with my choices or not matters little. I like what I like and don’t give a turd if I’m in the minority.

Grab yourself a tub of artery-clogging popcorn and a giant cup of high-fructose corn syrup. And for Pete’s sake, turn off your damn cell phone… asshole. It’s show time!

2000

The year 2000 was behind the eight ball from the start due to 1999 being one of the most groundbreaking years in recent history. However, Y2k turned out to be horseshit, so filmmakers from across the globe went on to produce an incredible twelve months of cinema goodness.

The Contenders: Almost Famous, American Psycho, Amores Perros, Code Unknown, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Gladiator, In the Mood for Love, Memento, Pitch Black, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Traffic, Wonder Boys, Yi Yi, You Can Count On Me

The Critics’ Pick: In the Mood for Love and Yi Yi – A pair of Chinese films swept the majority of foreign festivals and critics awards. They’re both excellent, but are definitely acquired tastes.

The Public’s Pick: Gladiator – Won five Oscars, including Best Picture and Best Actor, and raked in over $450 million in worldwide box office. How can anyone not like this kick ass flick?

My Pick: Amores Perros - Mexican director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu hit a monster home run with his debut film. A tragic car wreck triggers the collision of three separate stories. An ingenious script and quality acting make this one of my all-time faves. I’ve seen it close to ten times.

2001

Two mega franchises launched their first chapters in 2001. Both Harry Potter and Frodo Baggins dominated the topic of conversation inside and outside Hollywood. But they weren’t the only worthwhile movies released during the year.

The Contenders: A.I., A Beautiful Mind, Black Hawk Down, Donnie Darko, Ghost World, In the Bedroom, The Fellowship of the Ring, Monster’s Ball, Ocean’s 11, Mulholland Drive, Training Day, The Royal Tenenbaums, Y Tu Mama Tambien

The Critics’ Pick: A.I. – Most critics went gaga over Spielberg’s surreal sci-fi opus about an android boy programmed to love. It has its moments, but overall I found it to be a tad melodramatic.

The Public’s Pick: The Fellowship of the Ring – Peter Jackson announced to the world he wasn’t screwing around with J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic novels. It’s still my favorite of the three films.

My Pick: Black Hawk Down – Capturing the chaos of war is always tricky. Especially when trying to document an actual event. I lost count how many times I’ve seen this masterpiece. Its raw power resonates.

2002

The eagerly awaited big screen debut of Spider-Man stole the headlines in ‘02. As did lucrative sequels to Men in Black, Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. However, a host of smaller movies still managed to garner deserved attention.

The Contenders: 28 Days Later, Adaptation., Chicago, City of God, 25th Hour, Gangs of New York, Infernal Affairs, Punch-Drunk Love, The Dancer Upstairs, The Hours, The Pianist, Tadpole

The Critics’ Pick: Chicago – Six Oscars and glowing reviews across the board. It’s a musical, so I hated the damn thing, but song and dance has never been my cup of tea.

The Public’s Pick: The Two Towers – People weren’t yet tired of hobbits, elves and orcs. In fact, $925 million total profits was proof people were drinking in Middle-earth. The Battle of Helm’s Deep might be the greatest combat sequence ever put to film.

My Pick: 28 Days Later – In my mind, this has surpassed Night of the Living Dead as the go-to zombie flick. Director Danny Boyle invents a terrifying world consumed by rage and isolationism. I’m up to ten viewings, last count.

2003

Under and above the water was a popular place to be in 2003. Finding Nemo took a healthy chomp of the box office. Only Captain Jack Sparrow had the guile to foil Pixar’s fish family. As a kid, while riding the Pirates of the Caribbean amusement at Disney World, I remember thinking to myself, “Hey, this would make a fantastic movie.” Wait, no I didn’t. That sounds ridiculous.

The Contenders: Dogville, Elephant, Kill Bill:Volume 1, In This World, Lost in Translation, Mystic River, Oldboy, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, Monster, Seabiscuit, Return of the King, Touching the Void, Whale Rider

The Critics’ Pick: Lost in Translation – Bill Murray as the leading man in a May-December romance? Say it ain’t so. I watched this flick a second time recently. I love the writing and ethereal soundtrack, but it struck me as a little too whimsical.

The Public’s Pick: The Return of the King – The final chapter in Peter Jackson’s epic topped a billion in worldwide gross. The action is superbly choreographed and the drama hits a new high. It’s a fitting end to arguably the greatest trilogy ever filmed.

My Pick: Touching the Void – Yes, it’s a docudrama, but unlike any I’ve seen. A perilous attempt to scale Siula Grande in the Peruvian Andes turns deadly for a pair of climbers. It’s stunning proof that real life always trumps fiction. I highly recommend it.

2004

Jesus was the man in 2004. Mel Gibson’s brutally exhausting retelling of Christ’s final twelve hours became the highest earning non-English and R-rated film ever. Like it or not, The Passion stood out amidst a bevy of sequels and studio franchises such as Shrek 2, Spider-Man 2, Meet the Fockers and Ocean’s Twelve.

The Contenders: 2046, Before Sunset, Birth, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Fahrenheit 9/11, Kill Bill: Volume 2, Million Dollar Baby, Sideways, Shaun of the Dead, Ray, The Aviator, The Passion of the Christ

Critics’ Pick: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – The task of trying to deconstruct love is daunting. Major props to screenwriter Charlie Kaufman and director Michel Gondry for giving it a shot. It’s a whirlwind journey, but one I took only once. The sentiment and emotions are real. I just thought it was too clever for its own good.

Public’s Pick: Shrek 2 – I couldn’t go anywhere for weeks without hearing friends, family or co-workers quoting either Donkey or Puss in Boots. It’s definitely a fun flick and one that adults seemed to enjoy more than kids. I liked it fine, but it’s still just a cartoon.

My Pick: Kill Bill: Volume 2 – I could watch the final sequence between Bill and The Bride over and over. I think it’s Tarantino’s best writing to date. When all is said and done, big bad Bill was just another sap dicked over by a hot chick. Simple, yet profound. It’s quintessential Tarantino.

2005

Thanks to Peter Jackson, the great ape known as King Kong was resurrected again. This time around, the gargantuan gorilla got a full scale CGI treatment. The results were astounding. People flocked to the box office to see Kong battle dinosaurs, fall in love and be riddled with bullets. Oh, and Harry Potter became smitten with a cute Asian girl in The Goblet of Fire. I can relate with Harry, except I’m not a powerful wizard with a lightning bolt scar on my forehead. I do have a scar on my finger from a camping incident back in 1991. I can’t say much more. Something about the statute of limitations…

The Contenders: A History of Violence, Batman Begins, Brick, Brokeback Mountain, Cache, Capote, Crash, Good Night, and Good Luck, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Munich, Serenity, Sin City, Syriana, The New World, The Squid and the Whale, Walk the Line

The Critics’ Pick: Brokeback Mountain – Man-on-man butt sex jokes aside, this movie is telling evidence of Ang Lee’s skill as a director and Heath Ledger’s talent as an actor. Lee allows the story to unfold naturally and Ledger transforms himself into a lovelorn cowboy.

The Public’s Pick: Star Wars Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith – Hordes of folk lined up to see what was hopefully the last “Star Wars” movie to be made. We finally got to witness how Anakin Skywalker transformed into Darth Vader. It was a letdown, but that’s mostly because Hayden Christensen couldn’t act his way through a grade school production of Popeye the Sailor Man.

My Pick: Brick – It was a tough choice, but I’m going with this 21st Century film noir murder whodunit set inside a suburban high school. Joseph Gordon-Levitt kills it as loner Brendan Frye, who plays amateur detective in order to discover who murdered his ex-girlfriend. The dialogue, characterizations and atmosphere are all spot on. I’ve logged six viewings so far.

Continue…

Parting is such sweet sorrow. Alas, we bid farewell to another fake football season. Life just won’t be the same without endlessly debating whether to start Quinton Ganther over Justin Forsett, or screaming at your flatscreen because Matt Forte is a useless pile of flesh who shouldn’t be allowed to appear in public without a scarlet letter stapled to his girlish chest.

Now we can look forward to a winter/spring of debating such crucial topics as whether C.J. Spiller is the next Marshall Faulk, or just another undersized, over-hyped slashing running back along the lines of say… I dunno… Reggie Bush.

Other time-wasting conversations will undoubtedly involve the draft value of ‘09 phenoms like Ray Rice, Miles Austin and Sidney Rice. Is Randy Moss still first-round worthy? Will Chris Johnson supplant AP as the consensus number one overall pick next summer? Where will bullet train wideout DeSean Jackson be drafted?

So many questions, so few answers, so little time. Well, actually, we have months. Nevertheless, all this crazy uncertainty is like watching Christopher Nolan’s mind-bending Memento:

Still a great flick. One of the decade’s best.

Week 16 Ninjas

Golden Boy redemption – Okay, I trashed Terrific Tom Brady last week for laying another fetid egg. He must have heard me, or maybe Gisele fired a cast iron skillet at his head for sucking. Either way, Brady dissected the weak Jags defense to the tune of four scores and 267 yards. That’s more like it. We can’t have millions of admiring boys and blushing girls losing sleep over a Tom Brady slump.

This Stew’s for you – Who needs DeAngelo Williams? Apparently not the Panthers offense. They were just fine with Jonathan Stewart toting the rock. 206 yards and a trip six was more than enough to pummel the very small Giants into submission. Hmm. Maybe the Panthers should trade for Mike Vick and employ the spread option next season. With D-Will, J-Stew and Vick, they could easily rush for 3000 yards.

Hot Roddy – Thank you Roddy White for saving your best game for the fantasy championships. Too bad I was eliminated from postseason contention weeks ago thanks in part to your underwhelming performances this season. To be fair, Roddy has had a solid campaign. It’s just that he did all his damage in four games. Call me picky, but I like members of my fake teams to be consistent week-to-week.

A Sunday For Scrubs

Arian Foster. Lex Hilliard. Brandon Jackson. These three clowns gents combined to score six touchdowns on Sunday. Did anyone have them in their starting lineup? Better yet, did anyone have them on their roster? Hell, even Brad Hoover and the ageless Ahman Green hit paydirt. Oh, and last week’s super-scrub Jerome Harrison racked 148 and a touch. If you did start any of these guys, not counting Harrison, and captured fantasy glory, can you please purchase me a stack of lottery tickets, because you are the luckiest son-of-bitch on the face of the globe. And you suck ass too. Hairy man ass.

Week 16 Dandies

Phony Maroney – Believe it or not, Laurence Maroney was showing signs of being a borderline stud this season. Between weeks 6 and 12, he notched eight touchdowns and decent yardage totals. Too bad he has greasy hands. His fourth lost fumble of the year landed him in Belichick’s doghouse after just five carries versus the Jags. That’s one doghouse you don’t want to be in, either. The roof has holes and you’re served a menu of brownish tap water and a bowl of raw chitlins.

Say it (S)ain’t so – Drew Brees owners cannot be pleased with the way the Saints signal caller has played in recent weeks. 258 yards and one touchdown is great if your name happens to be… I dunno… Jake Delhomme, but those numbers should be first half stats for Drew, not an entire game. You would have been better off starting Chad Henne over Brees. Isn’t fantasy ball grand?

Roll up the tents – If you were nervous the Colts would pack up their regular season dog and pony show early, you had reason to be. Coach Jim Caldwell elected to not throw caution to the wind. In fact, he threw some moron named Curtis Painter into the frying pan and watched him sizzle versus a tenacious Jets defense. Peyton tossed for 192 and 0 scores; Wayne netted a measly 33 yards; Dallas Clark amassed 57. Again, Manning owners would have been better off is they started Chad Henne.

Tub of @#$%

I’ve been bashing Brandon Jacobs all season. Why? Because he’s a 6′4″ walking, talking turd. His dreadful ‘09 culminated on Sunday with a stellar six carries for one yard. I suggest the Giants look into a new starting running back for 2010. There are plenty of homeless guys milling about New York City. I’m sure any one of them can hit the hole harder than the lead-footed Jacobs. If the homeless aren’t up to the task, try the nearest cemetery.

Time to Hose Out the Iron Maiden

It was an up and down year for everyone’s favorite medieval torture device. Plenty of blood was spilled and many an agonizing scream was heard from inside its cramped confines. After a much-needed washing and polishing, I shall stow the maiden in storage. It will stand in a cool, dry place, waiting. Waiting to insert its steely spikes into the chest and abdomen of some underachieving NFL star. Good night sweet maiden. I’m missing you already.

Song I Can’t Stop Listening To – “Spaceman” by The Killers

Not all of The Killers’ music works for me. But when they get it right, I’ll listen to their shit night and day. “Spaceman” is one tune I can’t get enough of. It’s old and new at the same time, and is catchy as hell.

I Hate New Year’s Eve

Forced fun. That’s what New Year’s Eve means to me. Whether you are agreeable or not, everyone expects you to plop a funny hat on your head, guzzle a flute of cheap champagne and happily celebrate the turning of the calendar. It pretty much blows. Most New Year’s eves I look and feel like Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump:

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If you won a fantasy title, congrats. If you didn’t, you suck, but I feel your pain. Next week I’ll put a bow on the Fiasco by doling out some season awards. Until then….

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.

Playoffs! Yes, Jim Mora, I’m going to talk about the playoffs. Well, the fantasy playoffs anyway. Maybe you’re like me and lost in the semi-finals because the stupid Cardinals turned it over seven times last Monday night. Or perhaps you’re like my pal Sean, who started the Browns D/ST and Mike Wallace on Sunday and won by 45 points. Asshole.

Whatever the case, the fake team postseason is in full swing. Many a fantasy nerd is crossing fingers, knocking on wood and praying to Jobu to help them capture artificial glory. They are sweating worse than a serial killer during a police interview whether or not Peyton and Reggie and Dallas will be rested. They are scrambling worse than Tiger Woods after Elin found his cell phone to acquire last minute waiver wire claims that will improve their odds at winning the prize.

It’s the silly season, after all, so undue amounts of stress and borderline insane behavior is pretty much par for the course. Nobody knows this better than one of my favorite Christmas flick characters, Detective Martin Riggs:

Crazy or not, Riggs understood the best method to deal with holiday depression was to shoot drug dealers and flirt with suicide.

Week 15 Ninjas

The Roethlisberger 500 – If you were fortunate enough to own any of the participants in the Steelers-Packers aerial bombardment, count yourself charmed. Especially if that player was Big Ben Roethlisberger. The two-time Super Bowl champ with awful taste in women eviscerated the Pack secondary to the tune of 503 yards and three touchdowns, on only 29 completions. That averages out to a gaudy 17.3 yards per catch. I don’t give a hoot if you like Ben or not, you gotta give it up to the dude for dealing five bills to a pro defense.

One man gang – Jamaal Charles continues to take advantage of woman-beating douchebag Larry Johnson’s exodus from Kansas City. He dropped 179 total yards and a touch against the mistake by the lakes. Nice. Charles is improving his draft stock by the week. Right now I’d pencil him in as a late second round back next summer. Which means he’ll end up being dumpster juice when I select him.

Bad motherfu**er – Apologies to Randy Moss, Reggie Wayne and Larry Fitzgerald, but Andre Johnson is the best wide receiver in football. He’s caught 20 balls and posted 389 yards his last two games. Sadly, he balls for the painfully mediocre Texans, thus he will never be lauded with the pub he so rightfully deserves.

Best Harrison Since William Henry

If you started Jerome Harrison on Sunday, congratulations. You are either the luckiest prick in the history of man, or you traveled 24 hours into the future Saturday night via your DeLorean time machine. 286 yards and three scores? In one game? Unbelievable. Harrison might not run for 286 yards the rest of his career, but for one day he was King Shit. Too bad he’s still a Brown, which means he’s destined to blow out a knee or be buried on the depth chart by an incompetent head coach.

The Best Bush Since Billy

The Raiders are kicking themselves for a lot of things these days. Like wasting the number one overall pick on rotund JaMarcus Russell and naming temperamental Tom Cable head coach. Well, it might be time to add investing a number four overall pick on oft-injured Darren McFadden. Justin Fargas and now Michael Bush have both outperformed McFadden the last two years. In upsetting the reeling Broncos, Bush rumbled for 133 yards and a trip six. Something tells me the Raiders would be better off skipping the first round of the draft. Either that or hire someone to smother Cryptkeeper Al Davis with a pillow.

Best Moore Since Thomas

Some guy named Matt Moore tossed for 299 yards and three touchdowns against the Vikings. I have no idea who Matt Moore is, but he did what Jake Delhomme has been unable to do all season: He threw the ball to Steve Smith again and again. This Moore fella must be smart or something because he’s the only one to conclude that feeding Smitty makes the Panthers a decent team.

Week 15 Dandies

Golden Boy is tarnished – Tom Brady had another fantasy flop versus the Bills: 115 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT. Awful. To me, Tom and the rest of the Pats look bored. They kinda sorta go through the motions most weeks. The days of 30-40 point Sundays are a thing of the past. Maybe the offense just can’t dominate without stealing the opposition’s defensive signals. Might be time to bust out the video equipment, eh Belichick?

Saintly swoon – Mike Bell and Pierre Thomas combined to rush for 28 yards on ten carries in losing their first game of the season. I speak from experience when I say that there is nothing more infuriating to an owner than when a juggernaut offense takes a steaming dump during the fantasy playoffs. You know it’s bad when backup tight end Dave Thomas leads the team with eight catches. That’s right, a guy with the same moniker as the old bastard from the Wendy’s commercials.

The Revis factor – Much to the chagrin of Roddy White owners, the Falcons’ stud wideout ran into the best shutdown corner in the game on Sunday. Darrelle Revis limited White to four grabs for 33 yards. As someone who had to endure seeing three of my receivers blanketed by Revis in ‘09, I’m seriously considering avoiding all AFC East pass catchers in the future.

Worst Smith Since Captain John

Alex Smith was beginning to become a reliable fantasy starter the last few weeks. Unfortunately, he reverted back to his horrid spaz-like ways versus the Eagles. 177 yards and three picks is the kind of outing that labeled Smith a major bust. Until he proves he can beat quality defenses on the road, you’d be best served keeping Smith affixed on your bench. There’s a decent chance Mike Singletary might murder him during a game.

Worst Turner Since Ike

Michael Turner lasted one play before tweaking his sprained ankle. One carry for seven yards. Ugh. I’m sure all those who slid Turner back into their starting lineup are feeling very ill indeed. Nothing stings like a big fat 0 in the points column. Except maybe a bitch-slap from Ike.

Worst Owens Since Billy

Terrell Owens is closing out one of the most unproductive seasons of his career. Two catches for 20 yards was the latest stinker hung up by Mr. Me. Incredibly, he has yet to point the finger of blame at anyone for his poor 2009 campaign. However, since his arrival, the coach has been canned and the starting quarterback demoted. Coincidence? Hmm…

Break Out The Iron Maiden

It was a banner week for the maiden. The best hyphenated name in the game, Maurice Jones-Drew, was in need of a monster game. A couple days inside everyone’s favorite medieval torture device provided the necessary motivation as MJD racked 140 total yards and two scores. Well, the maiden isn’t done bloodletting just yet. Marques Colston has had a good year, but hasn’t recorded a multiple touchdown outing since week 2. I’m of a notion that a few spikes to the abdominal area will be able to coax a dominating performance from Marques. Lock ‘em up!

The Only Xmas Song I Really Like – “Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love

Darlene Love has been appearing on David Letterman’s late night program at Christmas for close to twenty-five years. I recall first seeing her perform in the early ’90s. If you lack holiday spirit for whatever reason, give this tune a listen. It’s guaranteed to brighten your mood. On a side note, Darlene Love also appeared in the aforementioned Lethal Weapon, playing Trish Murtaugh.

An Ode to Uncle Eddie

“Shitter was full.” I dunno about you, but that line sums up Christmas at my house every year.

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From everyone here at the Fiasco, have yourself a Merry little Christmas. Whatever you do, don’t shoot your eye out.

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger at Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.

Cheating in sports is as American as apple pie and corporate downsizing. In an ultra-competitive, kill or be killed business, some are compelled to take extreme measures to gain an edge. The allure of being the best and staying on top can sway even the most successful sports figures to put aside good judgment and take the easy way out.

Breaking the rules is all well and good until the guilty party or parties get caught with their hands in the proverbial cookie jar. The first decade of the 21st Century proved that sports scammers are alive and well. Despite rampant drug testing, growing technologies and a gaggle of bloodhound websites and media outlets, a few fools still chose to walk a fine line.

Here are the the biggest cheaters from 2000-2009:

Floyd Landis

Came out of nowhere to win the 2006 Tour de France. Was later stripped of his title after being found guilty of doping. Landis claimed he was innocent, but two separate urine samples determined his T/E ratio was well above the normal levels. He received a two-year ban from cycling in addition to his disqualification from the 2006 race.

Bill Belichick

The mastermind behind “Spygate,” Belichick was fined $500,000 for illegally videotaping the New York Jets’ defensive coaches’ signals during a September 2007 game. NFL Commish Roger Goodell deemed it a violation of league policy. The Patriots were fined $250,000 and lost their first-round pick in the 2008 NFL Draft. The alleged tapes were ordered destroyed by Goodell, which raised further suspicion surrounding the incident.

McLaren Formula One

In 2007, McLaren was fined a $100 million and removed from the F1 Constructors’ Championship for accepting secret technical specs from a former Ferrari employee, Nigel Stepney. Later that same year, Renault F1 was found guilty of stealing documents from McLaren, but they went unpunished.

Marion Jones

Seven years after winning five gold medals at the 2000 Sydney Summer Olympics, track and field superstar Marion Jones admitted to using steroids prior to the games. She also owned up to lying to grand juries and federal agents during the BALCO steroid investigation. Jones forfeited all her medals and was sentenced to six months jail time in January of 2008.

Tim Donaghy

The disgraced former NBA referee was sentenced to a 15 month prison term in 2008 for gambling on games he officiated. From 2005-2007, Donaghy admitted he made calls that affected the point spread in games he wagered on. He also accused the NBA of ordering refs to fix playoff games in order to extend certain series. Needless to say, the NBA’s reputation took a serious hit.

Major League Baseball

Pick a player: Bonds, McGwire, Canseco, Sosa, Palmiero, Giambi, Clemens, Pettitte, Tejada, Mota, Cameron, Rodriguez and Ramirez are just some of the players suspected, accused or found guilty of using performance enhancing drugs during the decade. Nobody knows who’s telling the truth and who isn’t. Safe to say, a bunch of baseball’s best players abused steroids before and after MLB instituted a testing policy.

Tiger Woods

Okay, okay, Tiger never cheated on the course, but banging at least a dozen chicks on the side lands him on the list. Waitresses, dancers, cougars, porn stars — Tiger did ‘em all. In a matter of two short weeks, he went from a happily married father of two and the world’s most dominant golfer, to a lying, philandering jackass who couldn’t keep it in his pants.

]]> http://fansided.com/2009/12/18/the-decades-biggest-cheaters-in-sports/feed/ 1 http://fansided.com/2009/12/16/sheed-sings-jingle-bells/ http://fansided.com/2009/12/16/sheed-sings-jingle-bells/#comments Thu, 17 Dec 2009 00:13:19 +0000 Scott Tunstall http://fansided.com/?p=60695

This is a few years old, but I still found it amusing. The Detroit Pistons performed a sterling rendition of the Yuletide classic “Jingle Bells” back in 2006. From my experience, athletes singing usually equals comedy gold.

The star of the video is without a doubt, Rasheed Wallace. Between his herky-jerky dance moves and his beatboxing prowess, Sheed steals the show.

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.

Remember a couple weeks ago when the Patriots-Saints game was supposed to be the fantasy matchup of the season? Thanks to the Pats playing like shit, it turned into a snoozer with the Saints cruising to an easy win.

Turns out the fantasy bonanza of 2009 was played this past Sunday night between the Eagles and Giants. Wait, two rough and tumble NFC East teams? Battling in the cold wet Jersey Meadowlands? Yup. 83 points. 876 yards. Zero defense.

There were five touchdowns over 60 yards. Donovan McNabb and Eli Manning combined to toss for an evil 666 yards and five TDs. Three running backs and Michael Vick ran for scores. DeSean Jackson racked 261 total yards with a pair of sixers. Rookie Hakeem Nicks caught four for 110 and a trip six. Nobody played a lick of defense.

It was a spectacular symphony of fantasy destruction reminiscent of the final scene in Fight Club (minus the male genitalia):

“You met me at a very strange time in my life.” Indeed.

Week 14 Ninjas

The Baltimore treat – If not for Ray Rice, I wouldn’t have earned a playoff berth in one of my leagues. The little man is a big beast. 219 total yards and a score against the cowardly Lions is very Ninja-like. Rice is so stealth, I might have to start calling him Snake Eyes. I’m not sure is he is an orphan, but if he is, I’m offering to adopt him and call him my own. I’ll even buy him a race car bed for his room.

My dinner with Andre – Andre Johnson hadn’t posted a monster game since week 2. He’s been solid, but not dominant most of the season. On Sunday that all changed with 11 grabs for 193 and two trips for six. I expect Andre owners are skipping with glee that he picked week 14 to blow up.

Life of Ryan – I predicted a huge ‘09 campaign for Ryan Grant. He hasn’t really lived up to expectations, but he bailed out the Pack in Chicago by rushing for 137 and two scores. On a personal I-hope-you-die-in-a-horrific-house-fire-Ryan-Grant note, you single handedly knocked me from the postseason. You suck Ryan Grant.

Blackjack

I find it fitting that one egomaniacal prick replaced another in the NFL record books for most receptions in a game. Brandon Marshall’s 21 snags bested Terrell Owens’ 20 to make history. The most interesting thing about this performance was Marshall only mustered 200 yards. That’s it. If DeSean Jackson had 21 catches he would be in the neighborhood of 400 yards. Maybe wunderkind McDaniels should draw up some vertical plays for Marshall. Oh, never mind. Kyle Orton can’t throw a football further than twenty yards.

The One-Armed Man

Matty Schaub is pretty good with two healthy shoulders, but he’s downright unstoppable when one of said shoulders is separated. He chucked for over 300 bills in the first half alone and finished with 365 and a pair of TD tosses. It helps to have Andre Johnson. It helps even more to be playing the Seahawks zombie defense. But it helps the most that after losing three straight games the pressure on the Texans evaporated along with their playoff aspirations. Nobody does 8-8 mediocrity quite like Gary Kubiak.

Every Coach’s Dream

Jeff Fisher can take solace in the fact that he’s never won a Super Bowl in his fifteen years of coaching the Titans by dreaming sweet sweet dreams of running back prodigy Chris Johnson. After shredding the hapless Rams for 186 yards and three scores, Chrissy is still on pace to enter the 2000 club. All he has to do is average 125 ypg in his last three. Seems doable. He’s also cemented himself as the number one overall fantasy pick in 2010. Sorry Adrian Peterson, but you’ve been supplanted. I can’t wait until Chrissy smashes rushing records then holds out all of training camp demanding to be paid accordingly and crying disrespect when he isn’t. Something for Titans fans to look forward to.

Week 14 Dandies

Baby need a nappy – I have a little message for Randy Moss: If you don’t give a shit about the game of football, retire! This prima donna asshole netted me -.5 in fantasy. Great job, you spineless, whining piece of rotting trash. What’s wrong, Randy? Are you upset Wes Welker is Golden Boy Tom’s new BFF? Well, perhaps if you caught everything thrown your way and fearlessly ran over the middle like Welker, maybe Tommy would feel more confident chucking it your way. Once a dick, always a dick.

I’d rather have Kit Carson – The Bengals quarterback is an overrated douche. There, I said it, or rather wrote it. When will the pundits stop including his name amongst the best signal callers debate? Like Judge Smails is famous for uttering, “some people just don’t belong.” 15/25 for 94 yards and a touch is not elite status. Hell, it isn’t even retard status.

Rodger(s) the Shrubber – To be fair, Aaron Rodgers has had a fine season. That being said, when fantasy owners are jockeying for postseason spots the last thing they need from their starting QB is a shit game like the one Aaron pinched versus the Bears. He picked the most inopportune time to not throw at least one touchdown in a game this season. 180 yards and a fumble? What a wispy-bearded jerk. The Packers should trade for Favre.

Null and Void

Being an Eagles fan, I am constantly amazed at how much grief Donovan McNabb takes. Sure, he’s far from perfect and has yet to bring a Lombardi Trophy to Philly. Whatever. I query all Birds fans this: Would you rather have Don or one of these bozos masquerading as quarterbacks? Some clown named Keith Null was trotted onto the field on Sunday. He completed 27 passes for 147 yards and flung five picks. Matt Cassel – who has a $63 million contract – tossed four INTs at home against the 5-8 Bills. ABC should give these two nitwits a sitcom. Pretending to be professional football players is a laugh riot.

Kickers Ruin Everything

Nick Folk and his lousy kicking leg personifies the Dallas Cowboys. He’s missed nine field goals this year. Quick reminder: he gets paid to make three pointers. Like many who don the lone star, Folk should be stabbed through the heart with a sharp-edged instrument of some sort. You have to want to win in December to actually pull it off. Wade Phillips hasn’t been unjustifiably criticized for the ‘Boys’ failures. He should be slammed more. The guy has one division title in eight years and ZERO playoff wins.

Break Out The Iron Maiden

It’s been a rough month for the maiden. For some reason, the ungodly painful torture of being impaled by cold, metal spikes isn’t rendering the desired results. I was thinking of putting the device in storage, but it’s playoff time. There are still a few big names who need extra motivation to get their sorry asses in gear. So, this week I’m a gonna lock up Maurice Jones-Drew. The best hyphenated name in the game? Say it ain’t so. Well, it is so. MJD has only two touchdowns in his last four games and hasn’t topped 100 yards rushing since week 10. It’s go time, Pocket Hercules. Those who rent you on their fake teams need one of them 175 yard, three TD outings. The maiden is due.

Classic SNL Skit That Shits On Kickers

The quality is poor, but who doesn’t remember this wondrous piece of comedy? We. Kick. Ball. Sums up the ridiculousness of footies like nothing else can.

Song I Can’t Stop Listening To – “My Culture” by Maxi Jazz and Robbie Williams

Back in 2002, a couple ambitious fellas named Jamie Catto and Duncan Bridgeman created a concept media project called 1 Giant Leap. Their goal was to promote “unity through diversity” by involving artists, musicians and actors from across the globe. The above song encapsulates their message perfectly. I would classify it as old fashioned hip hop. You know, the kind with more substance than style.

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Sayonara week 14. Sadly, we are nearing the end of another fantasy season. My chick is jumping for joy, which means quality together time on Sunday afternoons can’t be far off. Ugh. Anyone know a good hitman?

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.

My lack of height and vertical hops precludes me from experiencing the joy of throwing down a monster dunk on a regulation-sized hoop. I’ve crushed at Nerf basketball for over twenty years, but I’m pretty sure posterizing my brother on the seven-foot-high rim in my parents garage isn’t the same as Dwight Howard executing a baseline windmill.

There are few things as thrilling in all of sports as watching a skilled roundballer perfect a twisting, thunderous dunk. It really is a thing of beauty. On the flip side, when someone – be it pro athlete or Pete Pedestrian – blows a jam, it’s pretty damn hysterical.

Here are ten such videos of what happens when dunking goes wrong:

10 – Plastic Man

Stacey Augmon deserves props for even attempting this slam. Nevertheless, he missed.

9 – Julian Wright

It looks like Julian got shot as he was about to drop the hammer. Very embarrassing.

8 – Adam Waddell

You must stick the landing. That being said, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dude go full somersault.

7 – Jerome Dyson

A throw down doesn’t mean throwing the ball into the rim. Chalk it up to sweaty palms.

6 – Jamine Peterson

Can you get more wide open? Great defense by the rim.

5 – Some Guy Named Nikos Marinos

Nikos has major ups! I’m guessing he doesn’t play for the Greek National Team.

4 – Kobe Bryant

“Me no make it.” Gotta love Chick Hearn.

3 – Rafer Alston

“Skip to My Lou” skipped the part where the ball goes into the hoop.

2 – Mascot FAIL

Ouch! Aren’t cats supposed to land on all fours?

1 – Super-douche

Not even a trampoline can help this fool. I like how he keeps his legs pumping.

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.

I’m not in the mood to lambaste the logic or fairness of the BCS. That’s a tiring endeavor and ultimately pointless. It ain’t going anywhere anytime soon due to large sums of money, under the table deals, compromising photos involving cattle and Notre Dame.

What I’d rather do is put on my magic pretend hat and conjure a… wait for it… gulp… playoff scenario. Whew! Much to my surprise, I was not struck by lightning or shot dead by an assassin’s bullet. Since I’m still among the living (for now), I’ll get to my, ahem, playoff scenario.

It features the top 8 teams according to the last AP Poll. Apologies to Georgia Tech and Iowa, but you lose out. My plan only has room for eight teams. Better luck next year.

I took the liberty to whip up a quick and very basic eight-team bracket:

Simple, yet plausible. The traditional Bowl games can be used for the quarterfinal round. Each pair of teams will square off in the Rose, Orange, Sugar and Fiesta to keep the sponsors, athletic directors, university chancellors, bankers, bookies and mobsters happy. Two games on January 1st and two on January 2nd sounds about right.

Then you have an NCAA Football Final Four. Pick a host city (Vegas) and you’re all set. Two additional weeks to decide a true on the field champion is all that’s needed.

Any conflict with the NFL playoffs is an easy fix. Wild Card Weekend is January 9th and 10th. No problem. Play the Final Four either on Friday the 8th or Monday the 11th. College basketball and MLB air tournament and playoff games on weekdays and nights. In fact, three of the five BCS games are played during the week.

The National Championship game can be scheduled for Monday the 18th. Case closed.

Think of the possibilities with these eight teams. Alabama might have to beat Ohio State, TCU and either Texas or Cincinnati to win it all, or engage in a rematch with Florida. We could see a Lone Star State tussle between TCU and Texas. What about a 65-61 Oregon/Boise State finale?

High drama decided on the field. Crazy, I know, but I’m certain the bean counters can devise a way to cull some cash from a college football Final Four. Line up a couple fat cat corporations to foot the bill and overcharge FOX or ESPN to pay for the exclusive broadcast rights. It’s really not that difficult to swing.

Is that a helicopter circling my house? Oh know, they found me. Goodbye cruel world. Parting is such –

(sound of gunshot)

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.

]]> http://fansided.com/2009/12/10/bcs-or-the-p-word/feed/ 1 http://fansided.com/2009/12/08/fantasy-football-fiasco-week-13/ http://fansided.com/2009/12/08/fantasy-football-fiasco-week-13/#comments Tue, 08 Dec 2009 17:28:51 +0000 Scott Tunstall http://fansided.com/?p=59208 (Fantasy Football Fiasco is your be-all end-all review of the week that was in fantasy football. Oh, and a bunch of crap that has nothing to do with fantasy football.)

Seventeen receivers and tight ends topped 100 yards in week 13. Nine quarterbacks tossed for over 300 yards. The days of relying on a pair of stud running backs to capture fantasy glory are long gone.

You better bring the air assault if you wanna compete, unless you’re fortunate enough to own Chris Johnson and Adrian Peterson. I’m guessing that would be no one in leagues with more than four teams.

The Saints, Colts, Cardinals, Eagles, Patriots, Chargers, Packers, Cowboys and to an extent,Vikings, all feature pass heavy offenses. Not coincidentally, these squads are the best around in the NFL. Wait, did I just write the “best around?” Cue The Karate Kid montage:

I realize it’s passe for bloggers to reference this flick, but I’ve been obsessed for twenty-five years. So much so that I dressed as a shower one Halloween.

Week 13 Ninjas

Yaawwnnnn! – Drew Brees threw for 419 yards and two touchdowns. He pretty much does this every week. You know, ’cause he’s really good and shit.

Don’t blame the quarterback – The Redskins have a myriad of problems: prick owner, dolt GM, lame-duck head coach, numerous overpaid free agents, etc, etc. In my humble opinion, Jason Campbell does not belong on the list. He went toe-to-toe against mighty Brees and delivered 367 yards and three sixers. Despite not having much talent around him, Campbell normally does enough to put his team in a position to win. Too bad his kicker is a retard.

Third year rule – Robert Meachem caught twelve passes in his first two seasons. He was close to being labeled a bust. I’d say that talk was premature. This season he is averaging 18.8 yards per catch and has scored eight touchdowns on only 29 receptions. For all you non-math folks, that’s a TD every four grabs (roughly). If you’re a fantasy mastermind like me, you plucked him off the waiver wire weeks ago. If not, hah, hah!

The Mad Mexican

I really have warmed to Chad Ochocinco the last couple years. Anyone who consistently thumbs his nose in the face of buzkill commish Rog Goodell is a-okay in my book. After scoring his first touchdown since week 7, Chad donned a sombrero and poncho. The only things missing were a bottle of hooch and six-shooter. Good for Chad. Is he an attention-seeking camera whore? Sure. But he’s also entertaining as hell. I propose for his next trick, he put on a mouse mask, eat a block of cheese and yell “¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!” before sprinting down the field.

Fish Fry

Someone just informed me the Dolphins rallied to beat the Patriots after trailing 14-0. I don’t believe it for one second, but Chad Henne and Davone Bess posted some gaudy stats. Henne went for 335 and 2, while Bess snagged 10 for 117 and a trip six.  Maybe this Parcells guy knows a thing or two about drafting talent. Or maybe the Patriots just really suck. Blasphemy!

Black Hole Sun

I was just handed a note claiming the Raiders upset the Steelers in Pittsburgh. I don’t believe it for a second, but Bruce Gradkowski and Louis Murphy racked some big time stats. Grad chucked for 308 and 3 with nary an interception, while Louis snatched four balls for 128 and dos scores. If you’re keeping score at home, the Raiders have now beaten the defending Super Bowl Champs, the 2008 NFC runner-ups and the current leader in the AFC North division. What the fuck is going on?

Week 13 Dandies

Purple Jesus gets crucified – Percy Harvin had more rushing yards than Adrian Peterson Sunday night: 22 yards to 19. Is AP slowing down, or is the Cardinals run defense that good? I’d say more of the latter, but you have to wonder. A power running style can wear a fella out. If the Vikings want to be playing in February, a well-rested AP will be needed. Relying on old man Favre’s creaky right arm and bad judgment is not the way to go.

Shady goes into hiding – Due to Brian Westbrook’s rattled brain, rookie LeSean McCoy has become a reliable option for fantasy owners. He was anything but reliable versus the swooning Falcons. 26 yards on nine touches is fetid.

Happy Birthday, asshole – Terrell Owens’ two-game renaissance came to a screeching halt last Thursday night when he ran into the league’s best shutdown cornerback, Darrelle Revis. Three catches for 31 yards is more fitting for the washed-up wideout. I wonder which desperately stupid team will sign T.O. next year under the misguided notion that he can help them win games? My money is on the Browns.

Kickers Ruin Everything

Shaun Suisham makes his second appearance on the Fiaco this season. Congratulations, Shaun! You, once again, cost your team a win. Is booting a 23-yard field goal really that hard? I would imagine not for a professional footie who gets paid an obscene amount of cash to kick a ball. Suisham should be dunked repeatedly in a barrel of disease-ridden rats for his actions. Breaking news: Suisham was just cut. That’s fine and dandy, but I like my barrel of rats punishment better.

The Terminator Returns

I vomited in my mouth when Rex Grossman trotted onto the field after Matt Schaub separated his shoulder. How the hell is this spaz still allowed to sully a roster? Just goes to show how dumb the Texans are. Knowing they have an oft-injured starting quarterback who can drop at anytime, they ink Rexy to back him up. Brilliant. Can you guess the result of his first pass attempt? If you said interception, give yourself a piece of candy.

Break Out The Iron Maiden

Jay Cutler didn’t throw a pick and the Bears won. Baby steps, but I say the maiden did its job last week. Now, the maiden has fixed its gaze on the forgotten man in the Saints juggernaut offense: tight end Jeremy Shockey. The tattooed hothead with locks of gold hasn’t eclipsed 50 yards in over a month and last found the end zone in week 6. He’s missing out on all the fun in N’awlins. A few spikes to the torso should pull him from his malaise.

Random Clip from the Movie Uncle Buck

Punching drunk clowns = comedy platinum. I really do miss John Candy.

Song I Can’t Stop Listening To – “Sooner Or Later” by Breaking Benjamin

Of the many post-grunge bands to make a mark, Breaking Benjamin is probably my favorite. Their music is far from groundbreaking, but if you need to rock out once in a while, and who doesn’t, listen to a couple songs. Their fourth studio album, Dear Agony, was released on September 29. It’s not as good as Phobia, but it’s still worth a spin.

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Week 13 is in the rear view mirror. May your playoff aspirations come to fruition. Unless you’re in one of my leagues. In that case, I hope you drive your car into a bridge abutment and lapse into a deep coma for the next month. Too harsh? Oh, well.

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.

For whatever reason, I’ve always found people with food names amusing. I once new a kid in college named Dave Burger. Everyone called him “cheese.” Not very original, but it was better than “ham” or “double.” We gave him loads of grief, but he was a good sport about it.

Which brings me to sports, or rather those in some way affiliated with sports who happen to have a food name. I’ve identified 20 delectable personalities from past and present who would feel right at home on a restaurant menu. Unfortunately, there is no Steve Pizza or Ted Lobster, but there’s enough here to tantalize the palate and quiet those pesky hunger pangs. Bon appetit!

Felix Pie

The Orioles outfielder hit for the cycle back in August. Favorite pie is pumpkin (allegedly).

Andy Bean

Has amassed 17 career wins as a professional golfer. Swears by Beano.

Walter Berry

A legend at St. John’s. A nobody in the NBA.

Mardy Fish

Currently the 55th ranked tennis player in the world. Enjoys baked Cod.

Willy Korn

Clemson’s backup quarterback. Kinda looks like a kernel of corn.

Chili Davis

A bad childhood haircut led to him being called “Chili Bowl.” Why did he drop Bowl?

Chad Mustard

Free agent tight end/tackle. Played for the Omaha Beef indoor football team. I’m not kidding.

Matthew Berry

The Talented Mr. Roto knows fantasy sports. Loves Boo Berry cereal.

Cleo Lemon

Once drank a pitcher of lemonade in under thirty seconds. I made that up.

Steve Flesch

Hey, cannibals are people too.

Tim Salmon

Won a World Series in 2002. His cousin is actress Holly Hunter.

Ryan Leaf

Ate a leaf when I was ten. Left a bad taste in my mouth. Just like Ryan’s football career.

Darryl Strawberry

Four-time World Series champ. Beat cancer. Served time. Helluva life.

Cookie Johnson

Magic Johnson’s better half. Has her own line of jeans for ladies with “real booties.”

Deron Cherry

Snagged 50 career interceptions with the Chiefs. Loves cherry-flavored Mentos.

Candy Maldonado

“The Candyman” played for eight MLB teams in 15 seasons. Hates the horror flick Candyman.

Houston Nutt

A city first name and a food last name. That’s a deadly combo.

Julius Peppers

Often plays like he’s got a hot pepper up his ass.

Jerry Rice

Best. Receiver. Ever. Is that a Crown Royal custom suit? Nice.

The Racing Sausages

Who doesn’t dig the Klement’s Sausages?

Apologies to Jim, Ray and Sidney Rice, but that’s just too much rice. Who else did I miss?

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.)

Kittens and NASCAR go together like rednecks and domestic violence arrests. Don’t think so? Well, adorable little Nick is here to set you straight. Forget catnip, little Nicky gets stoked watching super-fast cars make lots of left turns.

He also knows which driver to root for. About two minutes in, he high fives four-time Sprint Cup Champ Jimmie Johnson. That’s one smart lil’ feline.

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.)

Week 12 began with a trio of Thanksgiving snoozers and ended with a classic showdown between two of the league’s best. Well, it was supposed to be a classic. It turned into another Saints shellacking. Drew Brees shredded the Patriots defense like a stand-up comic shreds a drunk heckler. It was both impressive and embarrassing.

In my mind, the ‘09 fantasy MVP is coming down to two fellas: Brees and Chrissy Johnson. You could make a case for Favre or MJD, but neither has crushed like Brees and Johnson. Drew dropped 371 and five on Monday night. Chrissy totaled 186 and a touch against a very good Arizona run defense, and is still on pace to rush for 2000 yards.

This dynamic duo has me thinking about another pair of cool-as-ice gunslingers. Their names are Butch and Sundance:

Does it get any better than Newman and Redford? I think not.

Week 12 Ninjas

Lawn mower envy – Hey, this Brett Favre guy is pretty good. He’s already tossed more touchdowns through eleven games than all of last season. He’s chucked only three interceptions and none in his last four starts. He’s still an insufferable attention whore who cares more about his legacy than team chemistry, but many a fantasy owner are skipping with glee for drafting the old bastard.

Cancel the suicide watch – Vince Young is teasing football enthusiasts once again. Not only did the manic depressive wussy boy toss for 387 yards on Sunday, but he also led his charges on a 99-yard game-winning drive. The Titans have won five straight since VY took the reigns under center. I predict a massive collapse in his future, followed by a childish tirade, then some sort of institutionalization.

Julius, you’ve been replaced… again – Justin Forsett was one of my players to watch in ‘09. It took incumbent Julius Jones longer than usual to suffer his annual 3-4 week injury, so Forsett has had limited opportunities to strut his stuff. 130 yards and a pair of sixers was more than enough to dispose of the hapless Rams. Forsett is a diminutive fella, but he runs hard, which is something Julius has never done.

Gates of Heaven

I have never had the pleasure of renting the services of Antonio Gates for any of my fake teams. It must be great, though. When he’s not guest starring on the FX Networks The League, he still finds time to crush his enemies and see them driven before him. However, 118 yards and two touchdowns hasn’t been the norm for Gates this season. All four of his trips for six have come in the only two games he’s surpassed 100 yards.

Get Off My Lawn, DAMN KIDS!!

A couple fresh-faced punks caused quite a ruckus on Sunday. Kenny Britt bagged seven balls for 128 and a touch. Percy Harvin snagged six for 101 and a score. Who the hell do these whippersnappers think they are? Rookie wide receivers are supposed to suck. Not this year. The class of’ ‘09 has been kicking tuckus. Even the doomed to fail Darrius Heyward-Bey found the end zone on Turkey Day. Shakes fist and curses.

Charles In Charge

Jamaal Charles is certainly making the most of malcontent woman beater and all around jerkoff Larry Johnson getting booted to the curb. 147 total yards and a touchdown are Chris Johnson and MJD type numbers. The Chiefs might be a dreadfully awful team, but fantasy gold is being mined from Charles right now. With matchups with Buffalo and Cleveland on the horizon, Charles could be a factor in capturing fake glory.

Week 12 Dandies

Disgusting fat body – Why, oh why, do the Giants feel compelled to run 270 lb bruiser Brandon Jacobs on the edges and not up the middle? He’s a bulldozer, not a speedboat. Eleven totes for 27 yards? What a joke. BJ still hasn’t notched a 100-yard game and has hit paydirt only three times. Like most obese people, Jacobs is useless.

Brownout – Ochocinco must have eaten Mexican Saturday night. Multiple trips to the shitter can result in a severe case of raw ass, which makes it difficult to run and cut. No amount of Gold Bond can ease the discomfort. Three grabs for 38 yards reeks of a plate of Nachos Supreme not sitting too well in the lower intestines. Hello, Chad. You were playing the Browns!

Sitting out the fun – The Chargers racked 43 points against the Chiefs. Rivers, LT, Gates, Sproles and Floyd all chipped in kicking KC’s teeth in. I guess Vincent Jackson drew the short straw because two catches for 27 yards is horrendous. Studs like Vinnie are supposed to murder shit teams. I smell a conspiracy. Maybe Chris Chambers has video of Jackson dancing nude to the sounds of Celine Dion. Hey, it’s possible.

Free Agent Blues

Life in the Pacific Northwest has been gloomy for T.J. Houshmandzadeh. He’s saddled on a 4-7 team and has struggled to be an impact player. His less than stellar campaign reached a season low on Sunday. Against the laughable Rams, Housh snatched two balls for a whopping 14 yards. To think, he could have been a Viking if he wasn’t so greedy. Oops. Hope you like losing, pal.

The Leinart Effect

If you need a guy to tap a keg or dominate at beer pong, Matty Leinart is your man. If you need someone to fill in for a future Hall of Fame quarterback and lead a team to victory, well, you probably want to look elsewhere. Alas, there was no happy ending for Matty against the resurgent Titans. To be fair, he wasn’t terrible: 21/31 for 220 yards and no turnovers is serviceable, although a touchdown or two would have been ideal. Due to Matty’s painfully average signal calling, Boldin, Fitzy and Breaston all turned in painfully average performances: 53, 34 and 26 yards won’t cut the mustard when playoff spots are on the line. Needless to say, old man Warner can’t return quick enough.

Break Out The Maiden

The maiden gets a push for last week. The aforementioned Leinart didn’t don a mask and cape, but he didn’t shat himself either. This week’s victim is long overdue for a few days inside everyone’s favorite medieval torture device. Step right up, Jay Cutler. The much-maligned Bears savior has been abysmal pretty much the entire season. 16 TD tosses compared to 20 picks. Alright, he gets the Rams on Sunday. At 1-10, we can all agree they are a festering boil filled with thick yellow puss. The maiden will do its job. The question is, will Jay? If not, it may be time to have him drawn and quartered.

Skateboard Faceplant Of The Week

Tony Hawk, eat your heart out. This jackass doesn’t even make it two feet before launching himself into a mouthful of concrete. His form is impeccable. He also gets bonus points for bleeding on camera. I hate it when clowns smash their grills on asphalt only to escape with all their blood intact. It’s a major bummer.

Song I Can’t Stop Listening To – “Map of The Problematique” by Muse

I love me some Muse. They’re like Radiohead without the exhausting depression and strong desire to eat a bullet. At any rate, the boys of Muse have been producing solid tunes for over a decade.

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Week 12 is in the books. I’ve secured a playoff spot in one league, while my other squad is floundering like carp in sand. I’m sure you can relate. Just chill… until the next episode.

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.)

If you’re a fan of the band Tool, you might have already heard this amazing cover of the song “Vicarious.” The dude responsible is named Adam Monroe (adammonroe.com). Not only does he sing the vocals, but he does so while tickling the ivories. That’s right, Tool on a piano. What’s next, Disturbed on a harmonica? Anyway, this is pretty impressive.

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.)

Here are a few things we should be thankful for in fantasy football: teams that score 30 points on a weekly basis; guys like Brett Favre and Wes Welker, who bring it every Sunday; injury replacements like Jason Snelling and Bernard Scott; the upcoming Saints-Patriots showdown, which could end up being the greatest fantasy game in the history of the universe.

As we prepare to stuff our gullets with turkey and yams on Thursday, we should also be readying our fake rosters for a playoff push, for those of us lucky enough to be in such a fortuitous position. Making the correct waiver wire claims, studying matchups closely and relying on a little bit of luck should give you an opportunity to capture fantasy glory.

Don’t forget to dot your i’s and cross your t’s or you’ll end up feeling like Steve Martin in this memorable scene from the Thanksgiving classic Planes, Trains and Automobiles. (WARNING: COARSE LANGUAGE DEAD AHEAD.)

I’ve seen this flick over a dozen times. It never fails to make me chuckle.

Week 11 Ninjas

Oh Ricky you so fine – Ricky Williams is an odd bird. His dedication to the game has been sketchy over the years, but when he’s on point he is a beast. Just ask the Panthers. 138 total yards and three scores. Who says 32-year-old backs can’t ball?

The rise of Megatron – It was just a matter of time before Calvin Johnson looked like Calvin Johnson. 7 for 161 and a sixer is what owners were expecting in 2009. Of course it helps when you play a team coached by an arrogant moron who has no idea how properly motivate his players.

Little big man – Wes Welker never ceases to amaze me. Defenses know he’s going to get the ball early and often and still can’t stop him. 15 grabs for 192 yards is insane. Maybe the Jets should put Darrelle Revis on Welker, rather than Randy Moss.

The other Manning – On certain Sundays, Eli Manning looks like he’s never played quarterback in his life. That wasn’t the case against the reeling Falcons. 384 yard and three touchdown tosses are very Peyton-like. Savor this outing if you’re an Eli owner, because he’ll probably throw three picks on Turkey Day.

Mirage of the Week

Brady Quinn and Matthew Stafford combined for 726 yards and nine touchdowns in their epic battle between garbage teams. I wonder how many fantasy GMs actually had these fresh-faced punks with flowing locks in their starting lineup; I would hazard to guess only the desperate or stupid ones. Expecting either of these youngins to deliver a repeat performance this season would be foolish. That being said, they engineered one of the more entertaining games of ‘09.

The Team Destroying, Quarterback Hating Prick Is Back!

I picked the above photo strictly for the hat. Look at that abomination! He looks like the reservoir tip on a condom. Check out that eight-pack, though. He must work out. In his first game since living corpse Dick Jauron was shown the door, Mr. Me dropped nine for 197 and a touch on the Jaguars. I bet Jauron was sitting at home in his tattered I-just-got-fired robe and slippers cursing the television as T.O. sauntered into the end zone for a 98-yard score. I have no concrete proof, but I imagine Jauron said something along these lines: “You fu**ing prima donna piece of shit, where was that the last ten weeks! ARRRRGGGGG!!!”

The Saints Backups Are Better Than the Bucs Starters

Man, those Cajuns are good. 10-0 ain’t easy to accomplish in today’s NFL. The Saints are so awesome that third-string running back Mike Bell and third wide receiver Robert Meachem dropped four touchdowns on the woeful Bucs. It must really suck when you kinda sorta stop the likes of Brees, Thomas, Colston, Henderson and Shockey, and still get destroyed 38-7. Anyone who thinks the bayou boys are a fraud is a brainless buffoon.

Big Boss Man

Kevin Boss snagged five balls for 76 yards and a pair of touchdowns in disposing of the not-so fabulous Falcons. After the first score, Boss clothes-lined safety Erik Coleman, then Hakeem Nicks distracted the referee while Boss beat linebacker Mike Peterson with his nightstick. Then Mr. Perfect came rushing out from the locker room armed with a steel chair, but Boss pulled Bobby “The Brain” Heenan in front of him just in time, and Perfect smashed Heenan in the face, knocking him unconscious. It was quite a scene.

Week 11 Dandies

Romo-licious! – It must be frustrating to be a Tony Romo owner. I wouldn’t know because he’s a Cowboy, which precludes me from ever drafting his sorry ass. I realize the Redskins boast the league’s top-rated pass defense, but 158 yards and an interception is sad. My advice to Romo: throw it to Witten; he’s usually open.

Just die already – Matt Forte averaged 2.4 yards per carry Sunday night. If anyone deserves to be deep fried and served on a platter, it would be this fowl. Blame the offensive line, blame Jay Cutler. However you slice it, Matt Forte is the biggest bust in fantasy.

The Cincinnati Bengals – Just when the Bengals look like contenders worthy of universal praise and admiration, they travel to Oakland and revert back to their awful ways. Sorry, if you lose to the Raiders, you can cancel reservations to Miami in February. Did you hear me, Philadelphia Eagles?

Kickers Ruin Everything

All Shaun Suisham had to do to complete an improbable upset of the Cowboys was make a field goal. You know, what he gets paid to do. Instead of helping out his inspired defense and undermanned offense, Shaun missed not one, but two kicks during the proceedings. Way to go you useless footie. Would hammering a foot-long nail through his calf be too harsh a punishment? I think not.

Break Out The Iron Maiden

The maiden did the job again last week. Matty Ryan snapped out of his month-long funk and tossed for 268, two TDs and 0 INTs. This time out, everyone’s favorite medieval torture device has fixed its eyes on Matt Leinart. This is a preemptive strike just in case Kurt Warner can’t go after being concussed. Leinart needs all the help he can get. The man with a movie star face and circus clown arm needs to be in the right frame of mind should his number be called. Playing like a spaz will not be tolerated. The maiden has a way of getting guys to focus on the task at hand.

Song I Can’t Stop Listening To – “Maybe Tomorrow” by Stereophonics

I was watching the movie Crash (the Oscar winner, not the one about people getting off reenacting famous car crashes) and this song came on at the end. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it, but it’s been awhile. At any rate, I dig it. Kelly Jones’ laid-back raspy vocals make for perfect listening as you drift in and out of sleep on a rainy November evening.

Watch A Dumbass Set Himself On Fire Deep-Frying a Turkey

A trip to the nearest ER with a face full of third-degree burns is not how you want to spend your holiday. You’ll be the laughing stock of the neighborhood and the butt of family jokes for Thanksgivings to come. Do what I do. Order a bird that’s already cooked. It saves time and hospital bills.

One Final Movie Clip

The only thing better than watching pigskin on Thanksgiving is gathering up the clan for a game of two-hand touch in the backyard. Inevitably, you’ll have a cousin or brother-in-law who played football in high school or at some little known Division II program, who will f**k up the fun by taking things a little too seriously. Once he starts bitching that you ran a slant route too shallow, it’s time to return to the sanctity of your home and drink yourself into a stupor.

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Week 11 is gone, baby gone. Enjoy the Thursday games. Until next time….

I love the NFL. I really do. But that doesn’t mean I don’t hate it sometimes. Pro football is kinda like my chick. Most of the time, she’s great. I have zero complaints. Other times, I’d like to chain a cement block to her leg and kick her in the nearest river. That’s just how the love ball bounces.

My relationship with the NFL is similar. Most Sundays I sit back and allow myself to be ensconced in pigskin goodness. Besides annoying talking heads that bring nothing to the table and a few missed calls by increasingly awful officials, my blood rarely heats up, let alone boils to a head.

That being said, there’s always room for improvement.  Just like my chick. I wish she’d pick up her damn shoes. Everywhere I look there are shoes, shoes, shoes. Do the Reebok workout sneakers and Jimmy Choo pumps have a problem with the closet? Are they too good for the closet? Does their patent leather shit not stink?

Clearly I’ve lost focus. Football… I’m here to talk about the NFL. Specifically, how to better the game I love so dearly. I’m aware every jackass with a replica jersey thinks they have a magic elixir that will cure all that ails the biggest, baddest sport on the planet. What separates my crap from all the other crap? Two words: common sense.

All my demands suggestions are more than doable. Dare I say, even logical? I’m rambling. Here are five ways to improve the NFL.

5) Make Pass Interference A 15-Yard Penalty – It really chaps my ass when a quarterback fires a forty-yard bomb toward a receiver and out pops the yellow hanky, followed by a gentleman wearing stripes declaring “defensive pass interference,” then another striped gentleman marching the ball forty yards downfield. It’s pure madness. Not to mention stupid. Every other infraction is either five, ten or fifteen yards. Hell, even offensive PI is ten yards. What dick decided defensive PI needed to be a spot foul? Methinks a quarterback. Regardless, I’ve seen too many games greatly altered or decided by this penalty. It gives the offense too big an advantage. Either make it 15 yards, or change offensive PI to a spot foul. That way when Randy Moss pushes off on a 50-yard “Go route,” the Patriots offense gets moved back fifty yards. Seems only fair.

4) Make All Plays Reviewable – I see no sane reason why every play should not be subject to review. This is a major cop-out by the league. I don’t give a hoot if the whistle blew or not. If a coach wants to challenge, let him do so. It’s not like they have unlimited challenges. I’m sick of seeing an egregious error go unchecked because it’s a “non-reviewable play.” Bullshido!

3) Allow All Touchdown Celebrations – With one small caveat: they must be less than thirty seconds long. Once the player crosses the goal line and the TD is signaled, the back judge will start his stop watch. Whether it’s a “Fun Bunch” reenactment or an offensive line square dance, just make sure it’s less than thirty seconds. For Pete’s sake, can we inject a little fun back into the sport? I bet Roger Goodell fines his kids if they do a jig while playing Madden. Lighten the f**k up, Rog. It’s supposed to be a game!

2) Eliminate Kickers and Punters – Ever sat in the end zone at a game? Right behind the goal posts? It sucks, doesn’t it? If the NFL adopts my plan, you’ll have an unobstructed view. Here’s how it works. All drives shall begin at the twenty-yard line. Not only do we not need a footie to kick the ball off, but we can also rid away with the ridiculous ritual of running down the field to cover kickoffs. If an offense wants to score, they’ll have to take it 80 yards. Basically, special teams will be no more. That includes punters. If a team wants to punt, whoever is behind center on fourth down must execute a pooch punt. I don’t care if it’s a quarterback, running back, wide receiver or defensive end. If a team chooses not to utilize all four downs to gain a first down, someone will have to kick it away, but that someone will not be a punter. You can’t tell me a head coach wouldn’t love to have two extra roster spots to fill with real players. It would be a humongous benefit to those teams beset by injuries, which is pretty much every team.

1) Say Goodbye To Sudden Death –Obviously with no kickers, overtime becomes tricky. We can’t have three or four ties every week. To alleviate the problem, college overtime rules will be adopted. Spot the ball at the 25 and watch them go. The NFL is about touchdowns. Field goals are an annoyance and a hindrance. I’ll take a scoreless battle over a 9-3 game any Sunday. I bet if you polled current and ex-players, the majority would agree (except for the kickers).

Now that wasn’t hard, was it? I’m sure a couple of these improvements will take some getting used to, but everyone bitches about change at first. After a season or two, most fans will see the light.

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.)

Any fantasy baller worth his/her salt has had the pleasure of renting the services of either Peyton Manning or Tom Brady for their fake teams.  There’s nothin’ more satisfying than plugging these stud signal callers in each week and watching them drop 300+ and 3-4 touchdown passes.

Mucho points are a virtual automatic, unless some jackass safety dive-bombs into Golden Boy Tom’s knee on opening day. Seeing your fantasy prospects explode during the first week of the season is not cool. I recall losing a starting running back and tight end on the same opening Sunday a few years back. It was a bit distressing, but I got over it after smashing a coffee table with a hammer.

But I digress. On Sunday night, Peyton and Tom staged another dramatic chapter in their heated rivalry. Naturally, it was fantasy nirvana. The dynamic duo combined to hurl for 702 yards and six scores. Outstanding. The Colts won thanks to a moronic blunder by mad scientist/genius Bill Belichick, but that’s neither here nor there.

The important thing is Manning and Brady were spectacular. Witnessing these two quarterbacking icons trade jabs reminded me of Al Pacino and Robert De Niro’s first filmed scene together in Michael Mann’s brilliant cops and robbers caper, Heat:

Those were the days. Now, Pacino has resorted to screaming all his lines and De Niro prefers to yuck it up in high concept comedies like the upcoming Little Fockers. I really wish they’d stop mailing it in.

Week 10 Ninjas

Running the ball is overrated – The Eagles believe a ground game is nothing more than a nuisance. Who cares about winning championships when you can chuck it 55 times every week. Donovan McNabb tossed for 450 yards and two touchdowns in losing to the Bolts. The only thing Andy Reid enjoys more than feeding his face with donuts and pastries is a 5 to1 pass-run ratio.

Yeah, that guy in Minnesota still rules – It’s been a while since AP earned a ninja. I usually take it for granted when he destroys on Sundays. Playing the Lions is hardly a challenge, but 133 yards and two sixers is still damn impressive. Peterson makes running roughshod over defenses look easy. Amazingly, this was only his third 100+ yard performance this year.

Marshall, Marshall, Marshall – The Broncos are a fraud, but that hasn’t prevented Brandon Marshall from regaining his 2008 form after pouting like a petulant toddler this past summer. Don’t blame Brandon for tanking versus the hapless Redskins. He did his job with 134 yards and two scores. Don’t fret, though. After a couple more losses, I’m sure Marshall will start bitching again.

Honorable mention: Listen, I could dress Chrissy Johnson as a ninja every week, but I gotta keep it fresh at the Fiasco. That being said, the dude amassed 232 total yards on Sunday: 132 on the ground, 100 through the air. Methinks I need to revisit the best dual back debate. Still love Ray Rice, but Chrissy is nipping at his heels.

The Odd Couple

One is an ass. The other a nice guy. Together they form the two most consistently deadly wideouts in the game. Randy grabbed nine for 179 and a pair of trips for six. Reggie answered with ten for 126 and two. All this oil and water combo does is kick ass when the spotlight shines brightest.

LT Has All-Pro Sperm

LaDainian Tomlinson was motivated to dominate on Sunday. Prior to the game, he learned his wife was pregnant. After years of trying, his sperm finally found their way to the egg. Pumped from the news, LT found his way into the end zone twice and ran for a season-high 96 yards. Rumor has it Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder are engaged in a bidding war for the embryo’s draft rights.

“Avant(ar)”

That new James Cameron flick Avatar looks wack. Humans traveling to another planet to annihilate cobalt blue aliens and steal their natural resources. Sounds totally implausible. At any rate, Jason Avant snagged eight balls for a career best 156 yards. After witnessing his incredible one-armed catch on Sunday, I’m thinking he might have some alien blood coursing through his veins.

Week 10 Dandies

He needs to start drinking Tequila again – LenDale White racked 15 touchdowns in ‘08. This year he has hit paydirt only once. Against the Bills 32nd ranked run defense, the not-so-portly-anymore White carried the ball three times for six yards. Obviously, LenDale is better off as a tub of shit.

He needs a new nickname – Marion “The Barbarian” Barber has been behaving a little too civilized this season. Five totes for 26 yards is grounds for an immediate lashing. What happened to the reckless abandon running style? The bruising power? The punishing goal line plunges? Marion is playing like, well, someone named Marion.

Who’s leading the AFC North? – Big Ben was toppled yet again by the mighty Bengals defense. Completing 20/40 passes for 174 yards with zero TDs and one INT would normally be enough to tame the tiger stripes. Not in 2009. The ‘Nati’ cats are here to stay. Wait… this just in. The Bungals have inked whining woman beater Larry Johnson. I smell a three game losing streak.

He’s Not Immortal

Just when the pundits were ready to declare Miles Austin the greatest pass catcher in the storied history of the Dallas Cowboys, he went on the road against a quality secondary and fell to Earth like a brick. Four snatches for twenty yards disappointed many a fantasy GM. His yardage totals the last three weeks have been 61, 49 and 20. Elite receivers still produce when defenses gameplan to take them away.

They Shoot Eagles Running Backs, Don’t They?

As an Eagles fan, it pains me to say Brian Westbrook’s career is probably over. After suffering a second concussion in a month on Sunday, his future has been placed in serious doubt. Plagued by numerous maladies throughout the years, he has valiantly gutted out many a game. A body can only endure so much. Alas, poor Westbrook! I knew him…

Break Out The Iron Maiden

Felix Jones must have lost too much blood while locked in the maiden, because all he could muster was six yards on three carries. Sometimes the maiden inserts its spikes a little too deep and internal organs get damaged. It’s a real mess. Hey, it ain’t for wussies. If you can’t hack the pain, go stock shelves at the Shop ‘N’ Save. This week’s candidate is a sophomore slumping signal caller by the name of Matt Ryan. The dirty bird darling has been wearing skirts for a month. In losing three of four, Ryan has tossed eight picks to five touchdowns. The maiden beckons.

Old School Game Of The Week – Connect Four

Yeah, real sneaky. Is this kid a retard? There’s horizontal, vertical and diagonal. Who doesn’t know that? Maybe if he spent more time studying geometry and less time inhaling Pixy Stix up his nostrils, he wouldn’t come off as a moron when facing his sister in games of skill and chance. Anyway, I used to love me some Connect Four. It was like playing checkers in the sky.

Song I Can’t Stop Listening To – “Lucky Man” by The Verve

The Verve formed a year before Oasis, but they were never able to escape the shadow of their Manchester mates. Too bad. I always thought their music was better. If only they acted like arrogant pricks a little bit more, they might have been able to achieve the superstardom afforded to Oasis. Oh, well.

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Week 10 has been put to bed. By now you know whether or not the playoffs are a realistic possibility. If they are, good luck. If not, you should accept the fact that you suck at fantasy football.

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and is currently wanted by Interpol. You can follow him on Twitter.)

I get downright giddy when young whipper snappers lose their shit over a video game. This poor lad had been waiting and waiting for the release of Modern Warfare 2 his whole life. Unfortunately for him, he struggled “beating” the game despite playing it for 17 hours straight.

Fortunately for me, he chose to record his frustrations on camera. He’s a sniveling ninny with a loose grip on reality, but he’s my new hero. Thank you weepy British douche. You have made my day.

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and is currently wanted by Interpol. You can follow him on Twitter.)

(Be sure to check out EverythingPowerRankings.com, FanSided’s daily review of the hottest stories and videos on the Net.)

Love him or hate him, Peyton Manning has transformed himself into quite a pitchman. Coming out of college, I never would have imagined the pimple-faced goober with a grade school haircut would become a Madison Avenue superstar. Everyone was aware of his cannon arm and professional pedigree, but the winning personality and comedic timing were hidden attributes.

Turns out Peyton can shill a company’s product just as easily as he can dissect a top-rated defense. Over the last decade, he has appeared in countless TV spots selling everything from credit cards to televisions. Here are the ten best Manning commercials:

10 – Peyton Gives A Pep Talk

9 – Peyton Versus Reggie Bush

8 – Peyton Has A Mustache

7 – Peyton Gets A New Brother

6 – Peyton Holds Back The Chicken

5 – Peyton Tells A Barista To Rub Some Dirt On It

4 – Peyton Likes Accountants

3 – Peyton Gets His Melon Autographed

2 – Peyton Makes Friends On The Road

1 – Peyton Helps The United Way (Sort Of)

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and is currently wanted by Interpol. You can follow him on Twitter.)

Now that Microsoft has released the secure and stable Windows 7, we can look back at all those other faulty operating systems and laugh. Although I have yet to test drive the latest and greatest OS, I’m fully confident it will be smooth as fresh cut glass.

It’s not as if Microsoft would lie to consumers about the functionality of their products. That would be cowardly and immoral. Rich and powerful corporations like Microsoft are many things, but cowardly and immoral they are not.

The introduction of Windows 7 means a fond farewell to Windows Vista. I’m gonna miss Vista. It had a cool name and a rockin’ music video dedicated to Service Pack 1. Is that Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band? Don’t be silly, it’s Bruce ServicePack and the Vista Street Band.

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and is currently wanted by Interpol. You can follow him on Twitter.)

Let me just say that Ray Rice and Randy Moss are totally bitchin’. Thanks to them and big tight end named Vernon Davis – whom I shrewdly snagged off the waiver wire a month ago – I am in prime position to lock down a playoff berth in an 18-team league. That’s right, I said 18!

If you think you know how to manage a fake roster, you should really test your skills in an 18-team league. With bye weeks and only four bench spots, it’s a daunting challenge, to say the least. Well, not for someone as savvy as myself, but ya know, for all the amateurs and wannabees out there.

Basically, I rule. My knowledge is second to none. My talent is unparalleled. My dominance is unquestioned. My ability to crush on every level reminds me of Chow Yun Fat in John Woo’s classic crime actioner, The Killer:

This flick is the shit. Scarface is Saturday morning cartoons compared to the The Killer.

Week 9 Ninjas

Titans pride! – One of my leagues is a keeper. Last year I had a choice to keep either Chris Johnson or Matt Forte. I went with Forte. I should be flogged with a barbed-wire whip for this discretion. Chrissy racked 160 total yards and a pair of scores this past Sunday. If he continues his present pace, the Titans stud will eclipse 2000 yards. Can you say 2010 number one overall pick?

Fitz the cat – Larry Fitzgerald has been quietly kicking ass in 2009. Fitzy dropped 123 and two sixers on the hapless 49ers. If he keeps it up, he could set career highs in both catches and touchdowns. Needless to say, Larry is livin’ up to the hype he earned during last season’s magical playoff run.

I sense a theme – Just when his critics are ready to hammer the final nail in the coffin of Kurt Warner’s career, the old geezer hangs five TD tosses on a defense. Warner should be shilling for adult diapers and erectile dysfunction meds rather than leading a pro football team to victories. Jesus must really like him.

Kickers Ruin Everything

Can we outlaw footies, please? The Texans had a golden opportunity to take the Colts to overtime on Sunday. All that was required was a 42-yard field goal being converted by Kris Brown. The same Kris Brown who booted a 56-yarder earlier in the contest. What did he do? Shanked it left. Game over. Texans lose. I have a suggestion for Brown on how to spend his bye week: springboard diving onto a bed of nails.

Guys Named After Cities Rule!

Since I am predisposed to hate everything associated with the word Dallas, I would prefer if Clark were named either Miami or Albuquerque. Nevertheless, the dude is a Texas-sized baller. His 14 grabs on Sunday gave him 60 through eight games. For all you high school dropouts, that puts Dallas on track to snatch 120 balls. He’s never caught more than 77 in his career.

Beard of the Week

Falcons second-year left tackle Sam Baker has more hair beneath his chin than he does atop his very large cranium. If anyone is deserving of a cameo on Sons of Anarchy, it would be Baker. I have no idea if he can pass protect or lead block on a screen, but if his glorious man mane is part of the criteria used when deciding who does or doesn’t earn a Pro Bowl berth, then Baker is a shoo-in.

Week 9 Dandies

Sophomore slump – Joe Flacco can’t beat the Bengals. In two games this year, the Ravens signal caller has tossed four interceptions to just one touchdown against the tiger stripes. To be shut down by the Bengals is like being rejected by the fat chick when looking for a prom date.

Man overboard – The five of you who read the Fiasco every week are well aware of my growing hatred for Matt Forte. If it were socially acceptable to murder human beings in their sleep by pouring acid on their lower extremities, I’d be on the first plane to Chicago. Forte’s latest gridiron atrocity was five carries for 33 yards. FIVE FU**ING CARRIES!!! You cannot be serious. My adorable 7-year-old niece could post those numbers. I’m circulating a petition asking for Forte’s early retirement due to complications from being teabagged every Sunday.

Sunday night turd – The Eagles have never won a Sunday night game since NBC took over the broadcast. That would be 0-7, if I’m not mistaken. I could peg pretty much any member of their so-called explosive offense for shitting the primetime bed, but I’ll single out DeSean Jackson and his two catches for 29 yards. Being an Eagles fan is maddening.

They Shoot Chargers Running Backs, Don’t They?

In six games this season, LT has run for 289 yards and three trips for six. His 3.2 per carry average is his lowest since he was a rookie. Barring a miracle that won’t happen, he will not eclipse 1000 yards rushing for the first time in his career. His days in the NFL are numbered. Next stop, Canton.

Break Out The Iron Maiden

I had to hose out the maiden last week, but it’s spic ‘n’ span with a fresh coat of wax and is ready for more bloodletting. The lucky winner to feel the maiden’s cold, sharp steel is Felix Jones. I keep reading and hearing how dangerous Jones is with the ball in his hands. One touchdown in six games doesn’t exactly instill fear in the hearts of opponents. Jones is beginning to look like another over-hyped playmaker by the name of Reggie Bush. A few protruding spikes to the chest should do Felix a world of good.

Hilarious Video of the Week Featuring a Fat Lady Falling

I like how her feet go straight up in the air right before her mammoth ass hits the floor. Does that make me a bad person? Nah, I don’t think so.

Song That Makes You Think You’re Tripping When You’re Not – “Woozy” by Faithless

Back in the mid-nineties, I was known to frequent a rave or two. They were loads of fun. Crazed dancing, a potpourri of pharmaceutical drugs and plenty of trance music. What’s not to like? Sure, I may have awakened face down in an open field miles away from my apartment with no recollection of how I got there, but no harm was done. Groups like Underworld, Orbital, Massive Attack and Faithless were the kings of trance back in those days. The beauty of trance music is you don’t need to be dosed to trip (although it’s much more enjoyable when you are). “Woozy” by Faithless is proof positive.

Double-Edged Sword

Who’s the best dual threat fantasy back? It was a hot topic of debate around the office yesterday. Wait a sec, I don’t have an office. It’s more of a nook or vestibule. At any rate, the Chronicles of Scott staff – which consists of my cat Snowball and a weird neighbor named Rick (who might be a serial killer) – narrowed it down to three names: MJD, Steven Jackson and Ray Rice. Jackson loses points because he’s on an awful team and has scored just once. MJD is solid, but his longest reception is only 16 yards. That leaves Rice, who I believe is the next Brian Westbrook. He has 573 yards rushing with five scores and 46 grabs for 436 yards and a touch. That folks is the the definition of dual threat.

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Week 9 is in the books. If you’re angling for a playoff spot, congrats. If you’re saddled with a roster of pathetic losers, I feel your pain. Look on the bright side — next season is only ten months away.

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and is currently wanted by Interpol. You can follow him on Twitter.)

It’s nice to know that even the rich and famous can be afflicted with bad hair. One would think that assloads of cash would afford the glitterati the best hair technicians money can buy, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. Especially when it comes to professional athletes.

For whatever reason, ballers and shot callers have no problem sporting questionable coiffures. Some jocks are lazy, others don’t give a shit, and a select few are insecure camera whores who need to be the center of attention in order to feel good about themselves.

Here are the ten worst follicle mishaps in sports today. Well, maybe not the absolute worst, but these are pretty awful.

10 – John Daly

The classic bowl cut. Reminds me of Warren the retard from There’s Something About Mary, except not as good.

9 – Shawn Andrews

Either an obese rooster or an homage to Simon Phoenix from Demolition Man.

8 – Tiger Woods

Does he have mange? C’mon, Tiger! You’re the richest athlete in the cosmos. Get a transplant.

7 – Ben Wallace

Didn’t he play Mr. Eko on Lost? Ben is a veteran of many cranial atrocities.

6 – Jay Cutler

What the hell is going on with this bird nest? You’re a quarterback living single in Chi-Town. Stop going to Great Clips.

5 – Anderson Varejao

Geesh. Looks like someone dumped a bowl of corkscrew pasta on his noggin. Headband adds flair.

4 – Chris “Birdman” Andersen

Two words: electroshock therapy.

3 – Domata Peko

I’m almost positive I saw him in Where The Wild Things Are.

2 – Ron Artest

Ron Ron’s skull carvings are more confusing than a Jackson Pollock canvas.

1 – Joakim Noah

What an out of touch fool. The Sideshow Bob mop head look died in the ’90s.

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and is currently wanted by Interpol. You can follow him on Twitter.)

]]> http://fansided.com/2009/11/06/the-ten-worst-haircuts-in-sports/feed/ 12 http://fansided.com/2009/11/04/wendys-has-street-cred/ http://fansided.com/2009/11/04/wendys-has-street-cred/#comments Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:59:10 +0000 Scott Tunstall http://fansided.com/?p=51563

My friends get their jollies sending me links to videos they claim are “really cool” or “totally awesome.” Most of them suck. The videos, not the friends. Except for Troy. He’s a fu**ing asshole.

As for the vids, the ones involving circus freaks, barnyard animals and amputees are good for a few laughs, but they’re a little too risque for the Chronicles. I like to keep things highbrow around here. For example, I see no need to expose the kinky goings-ons at a certain sports network (unless they involve John Kruk, Buster Olney and a sheep).

If you’ve ever been employed in one of those bullshit jobs that require you to sit through monotonous how-to training videos, you are keenly aware they are a geyser of unintentional humor. Awful actors, low production value, canned music, they got it all.

Once in a while, the producers of these instructional nightmares will spice things up in an effort to relate to their target audience. Wendy’s, home of square-pattied burgers and inedible french fries, did this very thing in the ’80s with their “training rap.” Strap in kids. This one is a real doozy.

Damn, I wish I had worked at Wendy’s back in the day. Without “grill skillz,” my life seems incomplete.

Points o’ plenty once again during week 8. Ten of thirteen winners racked 30 or more. The Eagles and Saints make sense, but what got into the Titans and Panthers? Vince Young and Jake Delhomme led their teams to victories. 2009 continues to be an enigma.

I’m taking the Fiasco in a different direction this week in order to pay tribute to one of my favorite flicks. That movie would be Office Space. Ten years ago, Mike Judge’s seminal cubicle comedy slipped in and out of theaters without much fanfare. Word of mouth and the advent of DVD helped turn it into a modern-day classic.

Working in an office environment sucks. I did it for a few years and managed to escape with my dignity and common sense still intact. Enduring pointless committee meetings, douchebag bosses, asinine theme days and a general uncaring attitude toward employees is no way to live. I’d rather spend my days writing about sports and movies and pointing out the absurdities of our inept institutions.

Without further ado, here is the best and worst in fantasy football for week 8, Office Space style.

Damn, It Feels Good To Be Brett Favre

Peter Gibbons got tired of his job and stopped going. As reward, he became a muthafu**in’ gangsta. Brett Favre was spat upon by the Packers and forced to wear a Jets uniform for a season, before his purple and gold vengeance wish was granted. In two wins against his old team, Favre tossed for 515 yards, seven touchdowns and zero interceptions. He is currently tied for the most touchdown passes with 16. That’s O.G.

The Two Bobs

A meeting with the Bobs usually ended badly for those on the other side of the table. This dastardly duo stomped souls and crushed dreams and did so with a smile. On Sunday, Chris Johnson humiliated the Jaguars defense by rumbling for 228 yards and a pair of scores. His opposing partner-in-crime, Maurice Jones-Drew, spanked the Titans with 177 yards and two sixers. Both defenses should be fired for such a deplorable workday performance.

Ryan Moats Showed the Bills His “O Face”

Drew was a minor character, but he stole both scenes he was in. Moats was a scene-stealer on Sunday as well. Wait, Ryan Moats still plays in the NFL? I thought he was run out two years ago after flopping horribly with the Eagles. The Texans turned to him early and watched him total 151 yards and three touchdowns. This mid-season cameo was unexpected, but kicked ass nonetheless.

The New York Giants = Office Printer

All offseason, the Giants blabbed about how great they were and how they would show the Eagles who was boss in ‘09. DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin and Brent Celek took a bat to Big Blue’s mouths to the tune of 186 yards and three touchdowns. The Giants should adopt a policy of less talk, more action.

Reggie Wayne Is Smooth

Peter displays mad game when he picks up Joanna. He exudes confidence and catches her off-guard with his nonchalant attitude. Reggie Wayne has to be the most unassuming superstar in football. He eschews histrionics and instead just balls. The Colts had an off game versus the Niners. Not Reggie. He snagged twelve balls for 147 yards and a touch. Those are pimp-player numbers.

These Guys Have Been Missing A Lot Of Work

Welcome to the end zone! For the first time this season, Steve Smith and Steven Jackson both felt the glory of scoring a touchdown. It’s about time these underachieving losers showed up for work.

Ted Ginn, Jr. Has People Return Skills

The Dolphins have been asking Ted Ginn for three years what exactly he does, besides drop catchable balls and come up small in big games. Turns out he has return skills. His two touchdowns on Sunday actually helped Miami secure a win. Ginn is still a bust and a waste, but he saved his job for another week.

Steve Slaton Needs More Flair

Steve Slaton was warned about his fumbling. After putting another one on the turf, head coach Gary Kubiak ordered him to the pine. More flair would have shown dedication. Slaton thought he could skate with minimal effort. He was wrong. Slaton owners cannot be happy.

Derek Anderson’s Locker Belongs In The Basement

If anyone deserves the Milton treatment, it’s Derek Anderson. I hope the Browns aren’t paying this stiff. He has recorded a sub-40 quarterback rating in four of six games this season. He has thrown nine interceptions to just two touchdowns. He should trade in his helmet and cleats for a red nose and floppy shoes.

The Worst Idea Ever

The NFL equivalent to Tom’s ridiculous “Jump To Conclusions” mat is the Raiders drafting JaMarcus Russell with the number one overall pick. Russell has passed for over 200 yards only twice in ‘09. He has yet to toss for 300 yards during his career. He’s registered at least one pick in 13 of 24 starts. If anyone needs to be downsized, it’s Russell.

————

Who knew the NFL had so much in common with Initech? You seen one heartless corporation, you seen ‘em all. I’ll be back next week with a more traditional chapter of the Fiasco. Until then….

There’s nothing worse than being a fan of a really awful sports franchise. Enduring year after year of piss-poor ownership decisions, laughable general manager moves, questionable drafting, nonsensical coaching and dreadful player performance can make even the sanest person bust a brain synapse and drift into a catatonic state of deep depression.

Following your favorite team is supposed to be gratifying, or at the very least, fun. However, when said team has been mired in a prolonged period of futility and is the constant butt of cruel jokes, there is no such thing as joy in the hearts of its fanbase.

On this Hallows Eve, I thought it fitting to take a look at ten scary bad franchises. These teams aren’t just bad, they are a veritable house of horrors from top to bottom. Some are failed expansion experiments, others are former winners that have fallen on hard times, and a few just plain suck.

10 – Memphis/Vancouver Grizzlies

I laugh every time a team relocates to another city and refuses to change its surname. My absolute fave are the Utah Jazz, who moved from New Orleans in 1979. I’ve never been to Utah, but I’m guessing there aren’t an abundance of jazz clubs dotting the landscape. Along those lines, I’m assuming not many grizzly bears hang in Memphis. The Grizzlies started in Vancouver, but headed south to Memphis prior to the 2001 NBA campaign. They have finished below .500 in eleven of fourteen seasons. The other three years they made the playoffs, but won not a single game. Last year they finished 24-58, last in the Southwest Division.

9 – Washington Nationals

If you include the years they were the Montreal Expos, they have enjoyed exactly one playoff appearance in 41 years of existence. The 1994 work stoppage screwed them out of a chance for glory; when the season ended on August 12 of that year, they had a 74-40 record. Five years in D.C. hasn’t improved their luck. Back-to-back 100 loss seasons is the definition of terrible.

8- Cleveland Browns

Since returning to the NFL in 1999 after a four-year hiatus, the Browns have continued their losing ways. Five head coaches have managed two winning seasons, one playoff appearance and zero postseason wins. Trading away their two most talented playmakers, collecting bad quarterbacks and playing a horrific brand of football have been the top highlights from the last couple years. Thus far in 2009, they have compiled a 1-6 record and may or may not have allowed a rookie running back to be severely injured in practice.

7 – Phoenix Coyotes

Formerly the Winnipeg Jets, the Coyotes packed their bags for the desert in 1996. In twelve seasons they have no division titles and no playoff series wins. Not even the great Wayne Gretzky could help this floundering franchise. He failed to qualify for the postseason in all four of his seasons behind the bench. Filing for bankruptcy earlier this year offered little relief. A botched attempt to relocate to Hamilton, Ontario has left the team in limbo. On October 26th, a deal was reached by the NHL to acquire the Coyotes. The transaction is awaiting approval.

6 – New York Knicks

What the hell happened to the once-proud Knickerbockers? The post-Patrick Ewing era has been an absolute disaster with eight consecutive losing seasons since 2001-02. Isiah Thomas unleashed a reign of terror beginning in 2004 and the impact is still being felt today. High-priced stiffs like Allan Houston, Stephon Marbury, Jamal Crawford, Jerome James and Steve Francis helped drive the organization into the ground. Not even Hall of Fame coaches Lenny Wilkens and Larry Brown could find answers. Most Knicks fans will point the finger squarely at owner James Dolan, who has presided over a decade of failures and missteps.

5 – Kansas City Royals

The Royals won the World Series in 1985. They have not sniffed the postseason since. Eighteen losing campaigns in the last twenty-four is beyond abysmal. Unfortunately, small-market teams like the Royals cannot compete in Major League Baseball’s have/have-not business environment. The inability to outbid the likes of the Yankees and Red Sox will forever relegate KC to the role of bottom feeder. Baseball doesn’t care about competitive balance. If they did, the Royals would not be perpetual losers.

4 – New York Islanders

The above photo is the best thing about going to an Islanders game these days. The old guard fans – like my brother – still wax poetic about the four Stanley Cups. That was a long time ago. Their last division title was the 1987-88 season. Their last appearance in the Eastern Conference Finals was 1992-93. They have failed to qualify for the playoffs in ten of the last fifteen years. After inking All-Star goalie Rick DiPietro to a 15-year contract in 2006, they watched him suffer multiple concussions, a torn hip labrum and several knee injuries, leaving his future in doubt. Maybe young John Tavares can lead them back to prominence. Yeah, right.

3 – Detroit Lions

The only NFL team to finish 0-16 has to make the list. They last won a playoff game in 1991. Their last winning season was in 2000. Their record since then is 32-102. Needless to say, the Matt Millen regime was not very fruitful. A series of wretched drafts and bad coaching hires have turned the Lions into the laughing stock of the league. Calvin Johnson and Matthew Stafford offer a glimmer of hope that things might improve. However, until they build a quality defense, the Lions will continue to be subjected to the point and laugh treatment.

2 – Los Angeles Clippers

With the exception of a blip on the radar in 2005-06, the Clippers have sucked for twenty-five years. They have enjoyed only two winning seasons during their time in L.A. That’s it. Countless drafts busts, a host of uniquely uninspiring coaches and a miserly attitude toward talented free agents has left the Clippers firmly entrenched in a cesspool of inadequacy. They are a roundball comedy of errors. If any team deserves a court jester as mascot, it would be the Clippers.

1 – Pittsburgh Pirates

At least the Cubs haven’t stopped trying to win a World Series. The Pirates last registered a winning record in 1992. No American professional sports franchise has equaled their level of futility. Words can’t describe how woeful and hopeless the Pirates really are. As soon as a young player displays any amount of skill, he is quickly shipped out of town. Management can’t and won’t dole out large paydays. They are nothing more than an auction house for the rest of baseball. It’s high time they be put out of their misery and disbanded.

]]> http://fansided.com/2009/10/29/the-ten-most-frightfully-bad-sports-franchises/feed/ 5 http://fansided.com/2009/10/27/known-truths-according-to-bob-griese/ http://fansided.com/2009/10/27/known-truths-according-to-bob-griese/#comments Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:43:33 +0000 Scott Tunstall http://fansided.com/?p=52598

It’s been a tumultuous couple weeks for ESPN. Baseball “analyst” Steve Phillips got busted and fired for an illicit affair with what I’m told is a woman. Brooke Hundley sounds like a female name, but an uncanny resemblance to a fat Ozzy Osbourne leads me to believe she might be a dude.

Phillips awful taste in side pussy wasn’t the only headline-grabbing story involving the World Wide Leader. Doddering old fool/NCAA football color man Bob Griese unleashed a not-so-vicious racial tirade aimed at multi-millionaire NASCAR driver Juan Pablo Montoya.

It had something to do with a taco. Who knew such an innocuous comment could get one suspended from their gig. Welcome to the year 2009, a time and place populated by over-sensitive douchebags who can’t take a joke.

Now that Bob has enlightened us all to the fact that Latins enjoy a taco from time to time, we can easily discern some other athlete’s favorite eats, based solely on their country of origin.

Dirk Nowitzki Likes Wiener Schnitzel

You know, because he’s German.

Troy Polamalu Likes Pani Popo

You know, because he’s Samoan.

David Beckham Likes Fish ‘n Chips

You know, because he’s British.

Andrew Bogut Likes Vegemite

You know, because he’s Australian.

Ichiro Likes Sushi

You know, because he’s Japanese.

I’d like to thank Bob for clearing up some common misconceptions when it comes to the dietary habits of our best and brightest athletes (except for Bogut, who sucks). Since I’m part Irish, I think I’ll order some corned beef and cabbage and wash it down with a bottle of Jameson.

Boo! Halloween came early to the NFL during week seven. Eleven of thirteen matchups were decided by double digits, including margins of 38, 36, 35, 30 and 28. It was a house of horrors and one that clearly separated the class from the dreck.

Sitting through a Sunday of massacres reminded me of the constant bloodletting depicted in a Friday the 13th flick. The hacking, the slashing, the beheading, the impaling, the arterial spray. It went a little something like this:

Funny stuff. That Jason is such a cad.

Week 7 Ninjas

Muy bueno – Chad with the Spanish number for a last name played like the Chad once called Johnson. Ten grabs for 118 yards and a pair of scores hearkened back to 2007, when Chad wore ill-fitting fake Hall of Fame jackets and the Bengals were an underachieving gang of miscreants and criminals.

Vengeance is mine – Cedric Benson hurled inflammatory accusations at the Bears in the week leading up to Sunday’s tussle with his former team. According to Ced, the monsters of the midway blackballed him after his release in 2008. Apparently, being a drunken first-round bust had nothing to do with getting kicked to the curb. Whatever the case, Benson ran roughshod over Chi-town for 189 yards and a touchdown. He is on pace to rush for over 1600 yards.

Miles from nowhere – Miles Austin sounds like the name of a polo player, not an NFL number one receiver. Yes Roy Williams, you have been replaced. Why? Because you’re a waste of space who can’t get open or catch or stay healthy. Austin followed up his 250 yard performance two weeks ago with a 171 yard, two TD effort versus the not-so fabulous Falcons.

Just imagine if he got more touches – I’d be willing to wager many a fantasy showdown was decided on Monday night thanks to a man called DeSean Jackson. He only got the ball three times, but that was all it took to amass 136 totals yards and two sixers. Unfortunately, like most of the Eagles offense, DeSean disappeared in the second half.

What The Hell Is A Shonn?

His first name might be a bit strange, but you can’t say the same about his game. Leon Washington’s busted leg benefited Greene on Sunday as he rumbled for 144 yards and two scores. With Leon gone for the year, look for Greene to earn some green for the next nine games. Pick him up if you can.

Reformed Pothead of the Week

It’s been a long strange trip for Ricky Williams. He was a top five draft pick, hired Master P as an agent, posed in a wedding dress, was traded, suspended, retired, studied holistic medicine, unretired, got suspended again, played in the CFL, returned to the NFL and quit smoking marijuana. On Sunday, he totaled 92 yards and found the end zone three times against his former team. He must have smoked some of that BC Bud before the game. Oh, wait… Ricky doesn’t toke the ganja anymore. Ahem.

“Know What I Mean, Vern?”

It took him four years, but Vernon Davis has finally turned himself into a decent NFL tight end. Seven snatches for 93 yards and a trio of trip sixes kept the Niners from being embarrassed by the Texans. I’m sure Michael Crabtree’s mammoth ego and selfish antics will rub off on Vernon by season’s end, leading to another rift with Mike Singletary, and culminating in Vern being traded to the Chiefs where he will wallow in mediocrity and misery for the remainder of his career.

Week 7 Dandies

Packer slacker – Either defenses are eliminating Greg Jennings from the Packers offensive attack, or the guy is too busy purchasing 80-inch flatscreens and brand new Mercedes to give a shit about playing football this year. Twenty-two catches and one friggin’ touchdown in six games is vomit-inducing. At this point I’d rather have Keith “Mister” Jennings on my fantasy team. At least I know Keith would put forth the effort. Greg has transformed himself into a high-priced decoy who can’t wait for games to end so he can supervise the installation of an Olympic sized swimming pool in his third home in the South of France.

Mr. Smith comes down to earth – Well, it was bound to happen. The other Steve Smith has settled into being as mundane as his moniker. Four grabs for 69 yards isn’t terrible, but when facing the 31st ranked pass defense at home, Smitty owners had to be expecting much more. After snagging 34 balls in his first four, Smith has managed only eleven in his last three. He seems to struggle against aggressive man-to-man press coverage. Uh oh.

Gore-fest – Frank Gore’s return from injury was looking pretty good with a lousy Texans defense on the schedule. A paltry 47 yards on 15 touches couldn’t have been what he had in mind. Perhaps he was still hampered by the lingering effects of his sprained ankle, or it could be that he’s an overrated running back who enjoys soaking in a hot tub with a glass of whiskey in one hand and a Cuban cigar in the other, instead of readying himself for a game.

They Shoot Panthers Quarterbacks, Don’t They?

One of the great mysteries of our time is why the Panthers brain trust chose to give Jake Delhomme a 5-year, $42.5 million contract extension back in April. He’s on the downside of a good, not great career and currently leads the league with 13 interceptions. Basically, he sucks monkey balls. Last I checked, Chris Weinke and Vinny Testaverde were still available.

Break Out The Iron Maiden

If Matt Forte were to be executed for being a first-round bust, I wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep. I loathe taking a guy third overall only to have him discharge diarrhea all over my fake roster. This clown has rushed for less than thirty yards in three games and been held without a touchdown in five of six. Sounds like a candidate for the iron maiden. It worked for Brandon Jacobs, so I’m hoping this medieval torture device will puncture some sense into the utterly useless Forte.

Classic Board Game of the Week: Hungry Hungry Hippos

I once played strip Hungry Hungry Hippos with an ex-girlfriend and her two roommates. Girls reflexes are iffy when sober. Factor in multiple shots of Vodka and you’ve got a room plastered with blouses, jeans, bras and panties. Needless to say, I dominated the proceedings. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a topless chick with natural DDs attempt to gobble up white marbles with her pink hippo. It was a night to remember.

Before I shuffle off, I’m going to leave you with another bloodbath. This one is from my favorite horror movie of all time — The Shining. May the apples you receive this Halloween be razor blade-free.

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and is currently wanted by Interpol. You can follow him on Twitter.)

Hockey is a rough-and-tumble sport. Watch this spine-rattling shoulder to the face hit delivered by Flyers’ captain Mike Richards on the Panthers David Booth if you don’t believe me.

Needless to say, Richards will probably be hearing from the NHL league office soon. Oh well. The important thing is the Flyers won 5-1.

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and is currently wanted by Interpol. You can follow him on Twitter.)

I might be in the minority, but college mascots strike me as a tad creepy. Dressing up in a big puffy suit and running to and fro on purpose is not my idea of fun. Anyone who willingly pursues this endeavor is well on their way to becoming a professional clown. As we all know, clowns are comprised of drunks, kid touchers and the mentally ill.

Some mascots frighten me more than others. I get the feeling that a select group of these masked freaks are up to no good. I envision a scenario in which they meet once a month at a discreet location to plot world domination. Kinda like the Nazis, minus the fancy uniforms, weird salute and hatred of Jews.

Despite lacking solid evidence to support my theory, I have compiled a list of ten mascots who should be watched closely. If any of this lot is allowed to run amok, life as we know it could be in jeopardy.

10 – Gophers

Effing rodents. They are a scourge that must be stopped. If they ever get organized, these furry bastards are a legit threat to well manicured lawns across the globe. Not to mention the playgrounds of the rich and famous: golf courses.

9 – Spiders

Why the University of Richmond chose these creepy crawlies to be their mascot is disturbing. I suspect something is afoot in the dark corners beneath the hallowed halls of academia. If you don’t think the threat is real, need I remind you arthropod anarchy has occurred before.

8 – Cyclones

This synonym for tornado just looks menacing. Deranged scowl. Clenched fist ready to strike. Pointy tail. What Iowa State lacks in the win column, they more than make up for in the intimidating mascot department. Here is video evidence of how a cyclone army could wreak havoc on society:

7 – Trojans

No, not the kind ribbed for her pleasure. I’m talking about the ones who are still pissed about the whole horse thing. They just won’t let it go. I talked to a Trojan last week and all he did was bitch about an alleged distant relative of his who suggested they burn the damn horse. I told the dude to chill out. He threatened to behead me with his sword. As you can see, these Trojans are a real problem.

6 – Bears

Jesus, I didn’t even know there was such a thing as green bears. I’ll have nightmares for a week. These bloodthirsty hibernators have been seeking payback ever since some jackass hunter decided bearskin would make a nice floor covering in front of his fireplace. Bears employ a clever killing strategy. They lure you in with a false sense of security, then they rip your throat out.

5 – Yellow Jackets

Flying insects are a menace. Always have been, always will be. Add a deadly stinger and you’ve got an air force of creeping doom lying in wait to bombard humanity. Who the hell do these bees think they are anyway? Building honeycomb nests wherever they feel. Am I the only one who is glad they are disappearing at an alarming rate. Screw pollination. Getting stung really hurts.

4 – Cougars

These horny bitches will stop at nothing to bed as many young, virile males as possible. They are deceptive and persuasive. You don’t need game to bag a cougar. Just buy a cheap Merlot and they’ll be spread eagle in no time. And that is why they are so dangerous. Beyond the Collagen-filled lips is an icy witch capable of casting a hypnosis spell on any and all unsuspecting males eager for an easy lay.

3 – Fightin’ Irish

The Irish should never be trusted. C’mon, they have their own holiday dedicated to getting shitfaced and vomiting in public. Amazingly, no one seems to take issue with that. Don’t even get me started on the whole “potato famine” farce. Are we really supposed to believe that all of Ireland ran out of spuds during the 1840s? Obviously, they used this web of lies as an excuse to emigrate their drunk asses to the good ol’ US of A. Here’s a shocking example of how the Irish treat one another:

2 – Gators

The last holdouts from the Age of the Dinosaurs would very much like to reclaim what they feel rightfully belongs to them. By that, I mean the planet Earth. Back in the ’70s and ’80s, these scaly beasts infiltrated our homes under the guise that they would make great pets. We got wise to their motives, but flushing them down the toilet ended up being an egregious error:

1 – Spartans

Evidence has shown only a few Spartans can inflict serious pain on anyone stupid enough to stand in their way. They are always ready for battle and appear to thoroughly enjoy hacking off limbs and disemboweling enemies. Getting on their bad side is not a smart idea. I suggest we ship ‘em to a remote island in the South Pacific before it’s too late. If they ever figure out most countries are populated with pussies, we’re totally screwed.

It took six weeks for the stars to align, but it finally happened. Tom Brady. Drew Brees. Thomas Jones. DeAngelo Williams. Marques Colston. Wes Welker. Randy Moss. Hines Ward. Those are fantasy studs.

No offense to chumps players like Miles Austin, David Garrard, Rashard Mendenhall and Mario Manningham, but these gents lack the pedigree to be considered reliable contributors on imaginary teams. I find it much easier, as does spell check, to type Andre Johnson than Mohamed Massaquoi on a weekly basis. Names with an overabundance of vowels are a pain in the ass.

So, a return to normalcy, I think. If Sammi Stroughter is the leading receiver next week, I might need a month-long sabbatical in Fiji to recover. Sipping Mai Tais on a white sand beach sounds pretty, pretty good.

Ahhh… Salma Hayek… nice.

Week 6 Ninjas

Mr. 59 – He’s got three rings, boatloads of cash, a supermodel chick and the love of every referee in the league. Life is good for Tom Brady. Five touchdowns in a quarter and six for the game is very 2007-like for Golden Boy Tommy. And he did it in the snow. Damn, is he dreamy. I wish he was on my fake team. Maybe I can trade two yards per carry Matt Forte and forgot how to score touchdowns Greg Jennings to get him. Yeah, right.

Oh, those awful Bucs – Playing Tampa is like a day at the spa. Relaxing, refreshing and therapeutic. Just ask DeAngelo Williams, who had been waving his bust card proudly prior to Sunday’s 152-yard, two touchdown explosion. The Bucs woeful defense was even gracious enough to allow Williams’ backfield mate Jonathan Stewart and his perpetually sore Achilles to rumble for 110 and a touch. I wonder who Tampa will take with the #1 pick next April? A defender seems sensible.

AFC East futility – The Jets lost Sunday because Rex Ryan is an idiot and Mark Sanchez is a spaz. It had nothing to do with Thomas Jones, who racked 227 total yards and a trip six. I thought 31-year-old backs were supposed to be filming ill-conceived commercials for their used car lot, not rushing for two-hundred on Sundays.

Hyphenated Names Rule

Maurice Jones-Drew was up to his old tricks versus the scatterbrained Rams. 178 total yards and three scores is superlative for the best hyphenated name in the game. The problem with MJD is his production is spotty. Dude had only eighteen carries in his two previous games. You can’t bench him, but predicting when he’ll go off is maddening.

Bowl of Rice

There was plenty of rice being thrown around in the Ravens-Vikings thriller. Ray “Fried” Rice totaled 194 yards and two touchdowns. Sidney Rice “Pilaf” caught six balls for 176. It was like SE Asia out there. I kept waiting for a Viet Cong ambush. Speaking of VC — let’s “GET SOME!”

Week 6 Dandies

If you lose to the Raiders… – The entire Eagles organization should be shot, hung and burned for the pathetic display of football they decided to play on Sunday versus the abysmal Raiders. Normally, when being blitzed into oblivion, well-coached teams turn to the running game to help alleviate pressure on the quarterback. Not Andy Reid. He chose to throw it 46 times and run it 14. Telling evidence as to why the Eagles have never and will never win a championship as long as Reid is coach. He is an incompetent buffoon.

The luster has worn off – When a cold weather team is in the market for a new quarterback, they might want to draft someone who has actually played in cold weather at least once in his life. Mark Sanchez tossed five picks in the overtime extravaganza with the Bills, bringing his season total to ten. The male model with the winning smile is doing a lot of losing lately. No biggie. I’m sure the New York fans and media will cut him some slack. Wink.

Little bro ain’t big bro – Eli Manning left shit stains all over the Superdome turf on Sunday. 178 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT won’t cut the mustard when the Giants defense looks like Night of the Living Dead. Why do I get the feeling Peyton would have carved up the Saints secondary for 300+ and four touchdowns? Oh yeah, because Peyton is really good. Eli isn’t.

Kickers Ruin Everything

All little Stevie Hauschka had to do was make a 44-yard field goal. Wide left. Bye, bye comeback. Hello three straight losses. I bet Joe Flacco, Ray Rice and Derrick Mason feel wonderful after positioning their team to pull out an improbable win in Minnesota, only to see their useless footie gag on a tee.

Break Out The Iron Maiden

Last week I suggested Derek Anderson be stuffed into an iron maiden for his horrendous signal calling. Well, I’ve got another candidate for the medieval torture device. Brandon Jacobs. This tub of guts has one friggin’ touchdown in six games. Sounds to me like BJ needs a weight loss program. A couple days inside the maiden will cut the fat.

They Shoot Bears Running Backs, Don’t They?

Matt Forte fu**ing blows!! Thanks for living up to your #3 overall draft status, you worthless piece of refuse. You and your invisible ass has ruined one of my phony squads. I should have learned my lesson with Bears backs a few years ago when I selected Cedric Benson in the second round. I’m a dolt, but Matt Forte still sucks.

Douche Chill Commercial of the Week: The Snuggie

I caught this gem over the weekend while ironically viewing the Chiller channel. I thought I was watching a sketch comedy show, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. No, the “Snuggie” is a real product that can be purchased via phone and delivered to your home in 4-6 weeks.

First of all, it looks like the same garb donned by the Imperial Guards in the Star Wars flicks. Secondly, anyone who wears these abominations is either a member of an alien-worshiping cult or a secret society of pedophiles. Lastly, did you notice the asshole raising the roof at the end of the spot? He needs to be beaten about the head and face with a sack of nickels, then suffocated in his own snuggie.

If I ever have the misfortune of seeing someone wearing a snuggie in public, I will knock them unconscious with a hammer, drive to the nearest rock quarry, and bury them alive beneath a mound of granite.

———–

Week 6 is history. I gotta go. Someone just offered me Mewelde Moore and a bag of Skittles for Matt Forte. I was hoping for M&M’s, but beggars can’t be choosers.

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and is currently wanted by Interpol. You can follow him on Twitter.)

Oh Balloon Boy, how I miss you so

Your time in the spotlight shall no longer grow

The media swine have returned to their flu

For they no longer care about anything you do

The Jiffy Pop balloon has fallen from the sky

And the world is left to wonder why did you lie

Crawl back in your box, you little piece of shit

So the rest of us can go back to staring at Megan Fox’s tits

(Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles and is currently wanted by Interpol. You can follow him on Twitter.)