The five worst people during March Madness

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PORTLAND, ME – OCTOBER 15: Portland High School math teacher Dan Deniso explains an equation to his calculus class, which students can choose to take for college credit at Portland High School in Portland, ME on Thursday, October 15, 2015. (Photo by Whitney Hayward/Portland Press Herald via Getty Images) /

5. The Person Who Takes Picks Too Seriously

There’s nothing wrong with being passionate about March Madness. At this point, considering the depths to which March Madness has permeated our culture, not being passionate about March Madness seems suspicious. (Is such a person a robot, unfeeling and incapable of joy? Or just possessed by the demon of unenthusiastic dispositions?) There’s no shame in getting caught up in the hoopla; March Madness is undeniably fun.

But there’s always one person in your circle — personal, professional, seance — who takes the tournament a tad too seriously. This person doesn’t just care about filling out a winning bracket: he or she must explain to you their rationale for every pick, flaunting days of research about historical trends and mathematical projections. Wait, you picked Baylor over Yale? You’re such a moron! Bro, the numbers show that 12 seeds have a 72% chance of upsetting 5 seeds on Thursday games played in the early afternoon. How could you not take that into account? Do you even science?

The best way to deal with this person is to humor him or her, nodding politely, making little mhmm-I’m-listening noises … and then engaging in ruthless mockery when your bracket, filled out in drunken haste and based mostly on coin flips, proves to be far more accurate.

Next: 4. The Obsessive Channel Skipper

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