Mia Khalifa’s Pick 6: Redskins saving the country

1. Gronk vs The D

THIS IS WHAT I LIVE FOR. Rob Gronkowski, you are my savage of the week. The Patriots lit up the Cincinnati Bengals in a 35-17 win at home on Sunday, and Tom Brady wasn’t the shining star of the game. I saw a Gronk I’m not used to seeing. It was exhilarating. The trash talking was in full f-ing force with our beloved, doe-eyed Gronkowski. He wasn’t having any of it on his home turf, and he was letting any and every defensive player on the field know. There was a fire in his eyes I had never seen before — I almost forgot for a minute what his voice sounds like, and the intimidation factor sky-rocketed. Good for you, Gronk. Bring the heat and tell anyone who thinks they can step to the Patriots what’s what. I hope to see this against the Steelers next week, too, because that was some damn good trash talking.

2. Don’t worry, y’all. My Skins saved this country

Not sure whether or not you’ve heard of a little thing called The Redskins Rule, but Donald Trump might as well pack his bags and go back to leading a happy life with his beloved family. Because the Redskins won, and it was their last home game before a presidential election, the Redskins Rule states that the incumbent party will continue to hold office. That means Hillary’s winning the White House. And I was just getting used to the idea of seeing Vladimir Putin at the annual turkey pardon ceremony. You’re welcome, America. My Redskins are national heroes and all of you are ungrateful brats who don’t deserve them.

3. Have a day, Rook!

Hockey is back, and on the first day it reminded us why we missed it so much. Little American rookie Auston Matthews decided to let the rest of the NHL know exactly who he is. The first overall pick in the draft debuted for the Toronto Maple Leafs in record-breaking fashion by recording not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR goals in his first ever game. That is unprecedented. If you’re not already watching hockey, I just gave you reason number one to start watching the Maple Leafs (said no one ever until now because AUSTON F-ING MATTHEWS). In true Maple Leafs fashion, though, they still managed to lose in overtime. Help them, Auston-Won Kenobi. You’re literally their only hope.

4. Mike Gundy is right

Earlier this week, Mike Gundy said that he thought cell phones were ruining college athletes, and I couldn’t agree more. Millennials (AKA my generation), are so wrapped up in social media it’s almost embarrassing. Literally. There’s a reason we see some of the most dedicated and successful student athletes say bye to social media for the duration of the season. Because social media is a distraction! If I was a head football coach, I would ban every single one of my players from so much as downloading Instagram or Twitter during the season. That time is for your playbook, not your notifications.

5. So we’re just going to pretend like it matters?

Is anyone going to watch the NBA regular season this year? Is it even worth it? Should they just cancel the whole thing and name the Golden State Warriors the 2017 champs and have their parade the same day as Thanksgiving? I think I’m the only person in the country who’s genuinely excited for this regular season. No, not because I think the Wizards have a chance. I’m not that delusional. But I’m honestly excited to see a real life cheat-code team in action. I want the Warriors to go for 74 wins, because why the hell not? Give the people what they want … you have arguably the most stacked team in  history — DO SOMETHING WITH IT. Turn every game into a dunk competition. Let Steph Curry call for live balls from the sidelines during regulation. Pretend there’s a 4-point shot and sink buckets from the concession stand. This regular season will be a lot more fun if the Warriors go into each game with the goal of beating every opponent by at least 40 points. I might turn it off by the third, but it’ll be entertaining as hell to watch.

6. Can you not?

This whole love affair between Odell Beckham, Jr. and the kicking net has gotten out of hand. Last Sunday, after playing the best game of his career, OBJ got down on one knee and proposed to the net that wronged him so spitefully just a few weeks prior. I’m glad to see he’s not whining or crying for a change, but this is corny and lame, and I’m the queen of corny and lame. What’s he going to do next week if he scores a touchdown? Dry hump the kicking net to consummate their marriage right there on the sidelines? He’s taking “married to the game” to a whole new, creepy level and I want it to stop. Please. It’s cringe worthy.