1. I’m thankful for the Cowboys
No, I’m not going against everything I stand for and love. I’m just speaking the truth. I really am thankful for the Cowboys, for a plethora of reasons. First, I firmly believe the NFL is a better place when the Cowboys are good. It’s much more fun to watch, and it’s much more fun to watch your team play against them. Second, nothing is more American than football on Thanksgiving, and nothing is more American than Cowboys vs. Redskins on Thanksgiving. It helps that the matchup comes when both teams are red hot, and coming off convincing wins. But what I’m really thankful for is the opportunity to experience my first Redskins (or NFL game in general) this Thursday at Jerry World. My childhood dreams are coming true, and I’m going to cry like a baby. That said, I’m also very thankful for Kirk Cousin’s QBR and Dan Snyder’s dad dance moves.
2. I’m thankful for bitter, hate-fueled rivalries
What’s better than rivalry week? Absolutely nothing. From “OH MY GOD. AUBURN’S GONNA WIN THE FOOTBALL GAME!” to the Warchant ringing through a swamp, rivalry week never, ever, ever disappoints. I love waking up on Monday morning during UF hate week and seeing my mentions filled with Gator fans spewing profanities and racial slurs at me. It’s music to my ears, my bread and butter, my sunshine on a cloudy day. If you think your words tear me down, you’re wrong. Like Colin Kaepernick’s hair, I get bigger and stronger the more you disapprove of my opinions. So I’m thankful for all of you jort-wearing, health-insurance-evading, sister-kissing SEC fans. For me, you make the last week of November the first week of true holiday cheer. Thank you.
3. I’m thankful for Dalvin Cook
I’m so thankful for Dalvin Cook, AKA the entire Florida State offense. Our shining glory in what has otherwise been a dumpster fire of a season. I whole heartedly believe that, had Cook not been healthy this year, Jimbo Fisher’s Tallahassee home would be in escrow and his kids would be googling “shit to do in Baton Rouge other than root for LSU.” So thank you, Dalvin, for keeping my little family together for at least one more season. As sad as I am to see Warrick Dunn’s single season rushing yards record broken, I couldn’t have asked for a better player to do it.
4. I’m thankful for outspoken players
Thank you, Antonio Brown, the Bennett Brothers, Richard Sherman, Richie Incognito, Russell Westbrook and Joel Embiid. You’re not afraid to make jokes, get fined, be bullies. You make your respective sports fun for me. You bring charisma, confidence and swagger back to the leagues. In a politically correct world, I admire players who aren’t afraid to speak their minds. Especially when what’s on their minds is a dig at another team, player or coach. This needs to be a bigger trend in 2017. Make America Petty Again.
5. I’m thankful for sports. In general, just sports.
I’m thankful for my passion for sports. I feel lucky to have something in my life that I’m this passionate about, that I love this much, that makes me feel like I’m a part of something bigger than myself. I’m not religious, but when the Capitals drafted Alex Ovechkin first overall with the Penguins sitting on the No. 2 pick, it sure felt a lot like divine intervention. Then the Redskins traded away all those draft picks for Robert Griffin III to remind me there’s still devils running amok.
6. I’m thankful for FanSided, and everyone who reads my column
I’ll keep this short so I don’t turn into a total baby on everyone and start crying, but this holiday season, I’m thankful for FanSided for taking a chance on me and bringing me on as a contributor. I had no previous writing experience other than the offensive tweets I usually directed at certain players or fanbases, so to see my own column published every week feels like a dream come true. I promise I’ll get better for both the website and all of you who take the time out of your day to read what I have to say. It’s still hard to wrap my head around the fact people are interested, but I am so thankful you are. And if you’re just here to hate, HIIII, HATERS! Thanks for adding to my view counts and shareability!