Evaluating the weird things NBA teams do to fill the dead time of television commercials.
The NBA entertainment experience has layers. There’s the player layer on top, the interviews a bit below that, the social media layer a few spots down, and so on. There’s something for everyone at all times if you’re desperate enough. Moon pie. What a time to be alive.
Unfortunately, the NBA is a business and businesses demand cash flow. As awesome as it is, it’s hard to directly monetize Wilson Chandler tweeting “Hot Boys 2017.”
See? All the money you threw at your screen just bounced off your monitor.
Ads on jerseys, gambling, and global market expansion are all nice, but a primary driver for capital is always going to be tickets to live play. The NBA wants to keep games to two hours, but even if that ideal were to be realized, there are usually only 48 minutes of actual basketball. What happens in that other 72? Weird things, mostly. Mutated, stultifying nightmares come to life.
And I’m here to share the worst with you.
I do work. I mean, I have a job, but I also do work. This is worth saying because recording these clips off my League Pass feed isn’t easy. You can often rewind a game to catch a spectacular moment again, but backing up the feed to timeout entertainment often brings you into an ad. There are rare moments where you’ll be able to rewatch the Red Panda knockoff, but usually you’re left with Jeremy Renner describing how multi his facets are or Erin and Ben Napier giving their family recipe for Mississippi Pimento and Cheese.
Hey Erin. Big fan. Quick question. Any chance you can leave me alone for just 30 seconds?
Lame. You’re lame.
But sometimes I get what I want. The things I’ve got and the things you’re gonna get are often creepier than Ben Napier’s wink.
Abandon all hope.
10. Trampoline time
This is an experiment in human fear. As I don’t want the shock to kill you, we need to start slow. More strictly though, experiments need a control, and there aren’t many things more stable and reliable than the Sacramento Kings. They’re the noble gas of the NBA.
“But Matt. You’re wrong and stupid.” I hear you saying. “The Sacramento Kings sleep in dysfunction.” I hear you but — “Vivek Ranadive is taking a broken franchise and tearing the pieces into tiny paper snowflakes. They’re the worst, Matt. You’re the worst.”
Shut up. I’m not talking about the team itself. I’m talking about everything else.
I’ve watched quite a few Kings games this year because Game of Thrones isn’t on until Spring. Amid all the wacky rancor has been a steady stream of reliable timeout fun. It’s what you expect from an entertainment entity trying to fill up a pretty new arena. No creepy mascots accosting children, no large men wobbling rhythmically to music long outdated, and no forced romantic encounters between couples or siblings.
It’s just the basics: trampolines and flippy-doos. Team dancers waving pom-poms and bending over sometimes. Other things that I don’t remember because nothing all that memorable happened. This is a good thing in that I’m not violated, but it could also be considered a bad thing because anything to distract Kings fan from the pain of being a Kings fan is probably a positive.
I’m torn on that aspect, but that’s not the point. This is the baseline. It is simple fan distraction. This is where things should stay.
They won’t.
9. Hunter Hugo Helmsley
This is pretty harmless on its own. It’s just a couple dudes being dudes with basketballs and a stopwatch. Not a lot of talent on display, but hey. They’re on the big stage. Maybe they’re a little nervous or a little overexcited. That’s fine. Good job, Hunter. Better luck next time, Hugo.
The danger here is the precedent. Once you start putting fans on the court, you’re liable to let things get out of hand. Fans, generally, are not professional entertainers. They’re in the arena to pay attention, not to have it paid. Just a glancing shot of the crowd on a Jumbotron screen is often enough to make people act out senselessly (more on that later), but making a member of the audience the center of attention risks highlighting something far out of your control. Even the most strongly worded instruction can’t account for this kind of thing:
If you missed it, don’t go back and watch beltlines. Don’t listen to the announcer man notice and immediately go “oh no.”
Depiction of man butt is a topic I’ve seen debated. Is it nudity? Is it just cheeky fun? The Simpsons have shown a substantial quantity of ass in their existence, and that’s still seen to be fit for the family, so maybe a bit of peeking crack not a big deal. Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a mole.
It’s as big a deal as you make it, frankly, and I’m writing about it, so that probably says more about me than anything else. Whatever. The point is it happened, and it shouldn’t have. A lot of these things shouldn’t have. All of them did anyway.
8. That’s not a real pizza
We’re still splitting hairs a bit, but the hairs are getting larger. We’ve moved on from fine silk string to maybe something with the diameter of an untangled paper clip.
This isn’t even a display of athleticism. This is playing horseshoes except somehow with even less horse. Why is there no sauce on the pizza? What are they thinking? Why is there no cheese? Cheese is the most important thing in life. Making a pizza without it is like building a basketball team without nepotism. I expect better from the Clippers.
There are more issues to mention here.
- Eat better pizza. Just generally. You can do better.
- The toppings being thrown are not the same. A pepperoni will not fly the same as a hollow green pepper slice or olive. They will not travel through the air the same way, and that’s unfair to the participants. At least put them on a level playing field. I want stats on the most successful toppings.
- There are still fans on the court. They still don’t belong there. Do they look like they’re having fun to you? Even the guy who won seems more confused than happy. Maybe he’s happy to be able to leave.
- This is boring. I don’t care. No one cares. I don’t even think the participants care. Look how little leverage they’re getting from their legs. Look at the lack of rotation on the mushroom. This is haphazard at best, shameful at worst.
- What if that’s actually a normal-sized pizza and the arena and all the people within were shrunk down to make it look giant?
Spooky.
7. The ‘B’ in NBA stands for “bongos”
We’re drifting closer to the iceberg, and Celine Dion isn’t even here to make it all seem okay. That one kid dabbed. Kids are the worst. Don’t have kids. If you have kids, apologize in the comments.
This is a cheap gimmick that’s slightly altered across every arena:
Step 1) Put camera on crowd
Step 2) Put graphic prompt for some activity on camera feed
Step 3) Show camera feed to people in crowd
Step 4) Compliment your own creativity and take a quick nap
In a way, this is worse than pulling people out of their seats. At least if someone has walked on the floor and grabbed a pepperoni, you know they’re at least partially willing to participate. This mess offers no such consolation. As far as we know, these people have been blindsided by the camera. If you play along, you look stupid. If you refuse, you get booed. But if you take the opportunity to propose, people make fun of you on the internet
The best you can do is lean into it, but look like you’ve been forced. At least then you might be able to draw up a bit of empathy. This changes if you’re under the age of 15. If that’s a case, then just have fun with it. This is your moment.
Kids are the best. Have some kids. If you have kids, talk about how great they are in the comments.
In any event, it’s still better than the Beat Up Your Friend Cam they have at 76ers games.
With all the injury issues in Philadelphia, you’d think they’d be more careful.
6. Eventually mascots were going to show up
They’re here. They found us.
What good are mascots? Like, what do they actually do? I know there’s a fondness for Benny the Bull rooted in some bizarre tunnel-of-love tributary of Stockholm Syndrome and the fact that Stanford has a walking Christmas tree is funny, but everything else is more bad than good. Once you get past the initial novelty of “Oh heh look at that madcap wildcat,” everything just seems insidious and perverse.
The Syracuse Orange just shows us what would have happened if Willy Wonka preferred citrus fruit. Lil’ Red from Nebraska is just King Cake Baby’s more well-adjusted cousin. The Charlotte Hornet is a G-rated version of Jeff Goldblum’s failed science experiment. Brutus Buckeye. No.
Now they’re dancing? Or they’re married? Or they’re breaking up marriages to dance with non-animal shaped people? What is the point of this? Who is getting enjoyment out of it? Who is meant to? Am I supposed to be laughing at the people? I don’t want to. I just feel bad.
That poor woman at the end is trying so hard to get away. That’s the way you smile when a blind double date goes wrong in the first 15 seconds.
The typical personality that mascots seem to go for is excitable children’s show supporting character. I got quite a few of those when I was a kid. I’m good.
If that’s not enough, the girl at the end celebrating her Sweet 16 is apparently still in junior high. I guess all those bears are really taking a toll on the American public education system.
5. Eventually clowns were going to show up too
There are various festivals in various cultures of the world in which clowns make a critical social contribution. Once a year for the length of the celebration, there are clowns who are charged to use humor and mockery to highlight the deficiencies of their high and their pompous. Being a clown is an honor. It’s a sacred role. They are indemnified from actions that would seem in violation of the cultural norm because their very purpose is to break this norm.
The norm has frailties that need exposing, and often these frailties rest at the top. Those at the top are often insulated from criticism or even basic judgment. For the length of these festivals, the clowns serve to restore a balance. The clowns allow these societies to function by establishing a basic shared humanity among the community.
Ronald McDonald sells bad food to children.
But it’s not enough to take a family’s money to make their kids worse. Ronald then goes to Portland to make the children compete in a “putting on clothes and then be bad at sports” race. He’s out there on the court with them, screaming obscenities in their face and promising starvation to the two who lose. Death is an escape, but dying is a slow road.
This clown is a bad clown. His motivations are unclear, and my stream cut out before I was certain everyone was safe. That could be Tim Curry in there. Everyone in that arena may now be dead. There’d be no way of knowing.
4. At least there’s a nice micro-brewery scene
This is only a minute and a half of what I remember being a four hour long sequence. I can’t remember exactly. I think at some point my soul left my body. If you see it, let me know.
I don’t understand.
What is this? What am I supposed to make of it? It’s not easily categorized. It’s not anything.
It can’t entertainment because I’m not entertained. Being confused is not the same as being enthused. The weird camera work and the odd lighting is disconcerting. It’s like 90’s anti-drug VHS creative direction. It’s going to get me addicted to sitting like those videos got me addicted to marijuana.
I think it could be a promotion for a workout, but then what are the people in the arena meant to do? Are they meant to just watch? Are they meant to leave? There’s not enough space between seats to stand up and flail your arms out and spin around in place. Someone is going to get hurt, and it could be you.
The seventh inning stretch in baseball at least doesn’t have choreography. There’s freedom to it, choice. You can adapt and react and then sit down feeling accomplished. This offers no such option.
All it is is a thing that happened, and the fact it happened with these many people complicit in front of a crowd who paid to be there leads me to assume it happened for a purpose. In someone’s mind, there was reason for it.
But there isn’t. All that’s left to realize is that someone with the position and power to organize this much human action is acting without reason, and that’s unsettling. Let’s forget it ever happened.
3. My body is a temple
Just because mascots are perilously attractive doesn’t mean you can reach out and do whatever you want to their butts.
Three times. Three times this lady smacks the Houston Teddy Bear on his hind parts. It’s inappropriate, especially to be broadcast to an arena full of children and to League Pass owners with recording software on their computer. Nothing good can come of it.
I don’t know what she was hoping to get out of this experience. I especially don’t know what she thought she would get from the third smacking that she didn’t receive from the initial two. Or maybe the first two were just so engrossing that she couldn’t resist going back for one more. Maybe if the mascot had never turned around, she would have been their smacking for all of eternity.
Regardless of her motivations, there is no way to excuse her actions. Physically accosting anyone or anything is not acceptable. There may be a disproportionately-shaped mascot shell, but on the inside beats a real mascot heart with real mascot feelings. How are they going to explain this to their mascot partner? What kind of things are their mascot kids thinking? Are they going to be made fun of at mascot school?
It’s not a simple smack. It’s never that simple. If you’re making me feel bad for a mascot, you’ve done something incredibly wrong. Next time you think about being rude to mascots, put yourself in their skin.
No, no, I didn’t mean it. NO
PLEASE
2. You are not you
Pictured above are two Hornets fans whose identities have been subsumed by the will of the hornet. There is nothing human about them any more. They have become what you see here. They will never again be anything else.
But haha one of them fell down.
What you see here is wrong. It was irresponsible. People who dress up as clowns know what they’re in for. People in mascot outfits are prepared for everything short of middle-aged butt assault. They’re being paid to be wretched. This is what they do. They’re resilient against the steady creep of an altered conscious state.
But these things (not people anymore) you see here are fans. They have not built up the immunity of spirit needed to properly handle being draped in another identity and forced to become to the amusement of the masses. They’re not ready. It’s like dying in the matrix. Just because it’s not real doesn’t mean it isn’t.
I don’t know how to properly eulogize, so I won’t try. If anything I’m just trying to impart a lesson. To brave few who have made it this far in. If you see this happening, do what you can to stop it before it’s too late.
This clip is shortened because I was repeatedly hit with interruptions of advertisements when I attempted to rewind. It’s probably better that way. The more you see it, the more you’re forced to think about it. The more you think about it, the worse it gets. It could have easily been number one.
But it’s not.
1. Mardi graves
Three months. Three months of my life I spent collecting these clips, and of course Mardi Gras comes to New Orleans and basically makes everything else look like B-Movie horror effects from the 80’s. Redundant. Parodic. Counterfeit.
In these 110 seconds, we’ve got it all: mascots, bad camera work, normal people forced into abnormal identities, dancers, stilted crowd participation. This is everything and nothing you could ever want.
The Pelican mascot already has had scary iterations. Why not add a papier-mache form? Maybe toss in an inflatable one as well. Just keep cranking the nightmares out of the nightmare factory.
Now look away before this thing looks into your soul.
What the actual hell? It’s like the king from Katamari Damacy crossed with a frosted sugar cookie crossed with a thumb. That doesn’t make it sound adequately terrifying. I’m not sure anything could.
And you can’t discuss terror without King Cake Baby appearing. If you say Bloody Mary in front of a dark mirror three times, this thing will come and take you before you get the second one out.
The NBA is my favorite league in the whole world. I’m not alone in thinking that. There are many, many people who travel long distances and pay incredible prices to see the league in person. Then they see this too.
Next: NBA Power Rankings: Warriors suffer biggest loss of season
It’s a tough balance to strike, I suppose. You never want the crowd to be bored, and it’s tough to be bored when you’re cowering under your chair next to spilled coke and fake nacho cheese. Maybe that’s part of the NBA experience. This is why we pray.