Work is hard, especially being an NBA head coach. If each NBA head coach had to do something else for a living, this is probably what he would be doing instead.
It’s not easy being an NBA head coach. You have to wear a suit and tie and yell instructions at a bunch of gifted athletes that aren’t always going to listen to you. At any given time, half of your metro area wants you out of a job, or at least that’s what we hear on local sports talk on the morning drive. That medium is never wrong.
However, basketball is life for these 30 NBA coaches. For most of them, they’d rather do nothing else than to coach at the highest level. That being said, what if being an NBA coach wasn’t in the cards for these 30 gentlemen? What on earth would they be doing for a living instead?
Sure, some would be more successful than others, but we have to believe that all would be living impactful lives across the country doing whatever it is they do instead of coaching in the NBA. Let’s see where this alternate universe takes us, probably down the same wormhole where Bill Walton is The President of the United States of America as a member of the Green Party. And here we go!
Kenny Atkinson: EVP of Sales, Gulfstream
Kenny Atkinson was going places on the hardwood. Atkinson had ample Division I offers to play point guard, but his AAU team had one last tournament to play in Indianapolis. The dozen players and their families on Long Island’s Finest made the mistake of flying on an economy airline.
Atkinson HATED that round trip from LaGuardia to Indianapolis and back. “Never again,” he said, as Atkinson would put his promising basketball career on the back burner to focus his attention on something more important than Michael Jordan. Atkinson decided that he was NEVER going to fly commercial again and neither should anybody with money.
Out of school, Atkinson took a job in the sales department for Gulfstream. He successfully negotiated more jet sales than everybody in the entire sales department combined. Was doing time shares on Gulfstream jets slightly unethical? Whatever. Atkinson made more sales than Bill Brasky and was eventually able to buy Gulfstream from Gulfstream.
When asked if he wanted to be CEO of Gulfstream by his former employer, Atkinson said, “No, I just want to sell jets!” Technically, Atkinson is the CEO of Gulfstream, but prefers his title of EVP of Sales, Gulfstream.
His is by far the most lucrative of the 30 alternative careers were about to analyze. Atkinson made more money doing his own Catalina Wine Mixer than the Huff Brothers did. He can now buy the Indiana Pacers from Herb Simon and pay a premium to do so. The irony is that Indianapolis is where he first hated flying commercial. All the more reason for him to buy the Pacers to prove a point.
Currently, Atkinson has a deal in place with Simon to purchase the Pacers. His only request is to re-name the club to the Indianapolis Jets, because North America needs a third professional sports team with that nickname. The Jets will begin the 2017-18 NBA season playing at Gulfstream Fieldhouse in downtown Indianapolis.
Scott Brooks: Charles Barkley’s CPA/Accountabilibuddy
In real life, Washington Wizards head coach Scott Brooks and Basketball Hall of Famer/television personality on TNT’s Inside the NBA‘s Charles Barkley were teammates with the Philadelphia 76ers. Brooks was Barkley’s roommate his rookie year in the league back in 1988. This is where his fictitious non-coaching career begins.
After bouncing around the league in the 1990s, Brooks found himself looking for answers about what to do next after his playing career came to an end. Brooks was walking down the street in a shady part of town the early 2000s. He would find a familiar face hanging out in a doorway in a near-pizza induced coma.
Brooks was lost both upstairs and quite literally in that moment. He would ask the rotund figure devouring Domino’s in the entryway, “Where am I?”. The response he got was two life-changing words, “Auburn, knucklehead.” Could it be? Yes, it was. Brooks found Barkley and found his calling, to help a guy out who helped him out back in 1988.
Brooks mostly thrives behind the scenes as Barkley’s CPA/Accountabilibuddy. He still sleeps in that drawer bed he once had in the Barkley Manor. That ‘trundle bed’ was the inspiration for Squeak Scolari’s ‘arrangement’ in the cinematic masterpiece that was Baseketball. Brooks does this out of comfort and to make sure Barkley is doing what he needs to do to get his hot on-air takes just right.
While many would think that Brooks is just Barkley’s assistant, they really are a co-dependent duo that needs the other to survive. Brooks got sick one time and Barkley showed up to the Turner Studios in Midtown Atlanta wearing a lime green shower curtain like he was Cee-Lo Green or something. Does that make Chuck Crazy? No, forget you, knucklehead.
Brooks also needs Barkley in some capacity. Barkley is the necessary mediator between Brooks, Ernie Johnson, and Ted Turner himself. Brooks is really only looking out for Chuck, but can get a little feisty when Ernie, Shaq and Kenny turn him into a fool. The Turner guys just laugh at Brooks for being a knucklehead. Brooks doesn’t make as much as he would as an NBA coach, but he is the one in charge of Sir Charles, or maybe the other way around. We may never know.
Brett Brown: An optimistic high school remedial math teacher
Brett Brown has made a living teaching kids that are over their skis how to kind of play NBA basketball. Like Buzz Lightyear, he never gives up and he never surrenders. One could argue that nobody embraces the art of teaching from an NBA sideline more than Brown.
If he wasn’t losing most of his games with the Philadelphia 76ers, he would be the most optimistic high school math teacher the world has ever seen. He’s not in it for the money, clearly, as he is in it to reach these kids.
Nobody is better at wanting to teach Algebra to 18 and 19-year-old kids that still aren’t sure what exactly a variable is than Brown. He is essentially the John Calipari of describing the nuances of a geometric plane. One day, Brown will reach his goal of mentioning the word “cosine” in class. Like a constant, his faith in these kids is never wavering.
However, he usually has to go off on the most extreme of tangents to keep these kids engaged. Brown holds Pi Day twice weekly because he feels pizza is the best way to explain the complexities of diameters and radii to kids who write sevens that look like gammas.
Just when Brown has successfully explained to a kid that ‘x’ could technically be anything (even a car), the kid gets drafted by a on-level math teacher that will drop derivatives in his face constantly. Brown gets a little sad, but embraces the ample opportunities that lie ahead for him in the classroom.
Of course, he also gets to coach a local powerhouse varsity basketball team on the hardwood. Yes, Brown’s teams haven’t lost at home in five years. However, he takes the most joy teaching 17-year-olds how to multiply by nine using one’s fingers. Brown is the most respected teacher in the school district by a wide margin. He also wins 90 percent of his high school basketball games, so that helps.
Mike Budenholzer: Owner/Bartender of Bud’s Food and Spirits
In a far away land known as Scottsdale, there is a dive bar where everybody almost remembers your name. Ever since former college point guard Mike Budenholzer hit that shot against that team in the tournament, he has been a local legend in the Greater Phoenix area.
After playing minor league basketball for a few years, Budenholzer decided that it was time to retire from hoops at 25 and begin his new career selling hops. With the help of his fame as the guy that made the Bud Shot for State, Bud opened up his own watering hole in the Valley of the Sun.
Since none of his patrons can spell or even pronounce Budenholzer, he just became Bud over the years. Guys from all over the continental United States come to Bud’s Food and Spirits to get a little food and a lot of spirits. Frequent patrons include a high school remedial math teacher, Jim Carrey’s body double, a Top Gun flight instructor and a struggling bowling alley manager that is obsessed with forming his wall.
Bud has never heard of Sam Malone and doesn’t think that Ted Danson is that great of an actor. However, he does concede the fact that Three Men and a Baby is the best movie from the 1990s. How did they do it? Bud is also not sure of who exactly The Gang is, as he has never been to South Philly. He does have an Uncle Frank that likes to make rum ham back in the kitchen.
In a part of the country where the sun is ever present, Bud is ever present behind the counter of his local drinking establishment. Though he gets tired of talking about the shot he hit for State in the late 1980s, Bud will gladly talk about it when it’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday as the regular crowd shuffles in.
Bud is always good to his customers and they are thankful for it. Instead of saying last call at around 2:00 a.m., he will shout out his trademark phrase, “it’s time to make the donuts!” The guests at Bud’s know that he’s got donuts to make for the earliest of risers. You’re never lonely at 3:00 a.m., especially when you have to make donuts in the sports bar you own. It’s cool, Bud doesn’t sleep very much anyway. He might secretly be Tyler Durden. Just saying.
Rick Carlisle: Jim Carrey’s body-double
It’s not easy being Jim Carrey. We collectively took for granted the funniest Canadian in the United States in the 1990s. Once he realized that The Mask wasn’t going to change the world, Carrey gave some of his Dumb and Dumber money to some guy named Harry and he took care of it.
Shortly before the filming of Liar, Liar, some out-of-work basketball coach named Rick Carlisle magically appeared on Carrey’s doorstep. “Alrighty then,” said Carrey, as he got to work in making Carlisle the greatest body-double American cinema has ever seen.
Carrey taught Carlisle everything he knows and they made some great movies together over the next few years. That time Andy Kauffman stood there awkwardly on the stage in Man on the Moon, that was really just Carlisle forgetting his lines, as Carrey was slightly under the weather that afternoon.
Every shot of Truman Burbank walking around town in complete confusion, yes, that was Carlisle. That might have been his best acting performance to date. Let’s be real. It’s pretty hard to contain Carrey in a suit and tie. What he wears in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is what he wears in real life. The hair just isn’t as cooperative as it once was.
Therein lies the problem. Around the time of Bruce Almighty, Carlisle’s hair couldn’t keep up with Carrey’s. While Carrey did semi-acknowledge that Carlisle was an incredible silent actor, male pattern baldness was definitely getting in the way of their working relationship.
Carrey has since been more selective about his movies, as Carlisle has been relegated to being behind the scenes as another producer of sorts. Out of respect for the job Carlisle did filling in for him those few years, Carrey took on the leading role in Mr. Popper’s Penguins in 2011. Together, they felt that film was the best synopsis of what it was really like secretly working together from 1994 to 2002.
Dwane Casey: The best mailman that Kentucky has ever seen
Dwane Casey is proof that life does come after basketball. He once starred in the backcourt for his home state’s Kentucky Wildcats, winning a championship in 1979. Casey quickly took to coaching and recruiting in the Bluegrass State at Western Kentucky in Bowling Green and later his alma mater in Lexington.
After an unfortunate incident involving $1,000, an envelope and the father of a prized recruit, Casey was banished to the far away land known as Japan. Rather than re-invent himself as a basketball coach, Casey went all-in on understanding managerial processes in manufacturing.
Six years later, he would return to the United States with a black belt in Six Sigma from some company called Mitsubishi. Casey was ready to take his new gig in Memphis at some company called Federal Express to new heights.
Casey would bring efficiency to parcel delivery service to post-Communism Russia. Things were going quite well in Memphis for Casey, until he went all Robinson Crusoe and had to live on an island with only his orange friend Spalding for roughly 11 years.
Casey would eventually be rescued from the Bermuda Triangle. He would try to get back into the swing of things with FedEx, but Casey did miss that whole internet thing while he was on vacation on some Caribbean Island.
FedEx decided to force Casey into early retirement. Today you can find him delivering snail mail in the Greater Lexington area. Everybody waves when Mailman Dwane delivers the post. He’s enjoying life as a semi-retired mailman. Casey is a Lexington legend, but people still have a hard time opening the envelopes he delivers due to the insane amount of tape he uses, because never again.
Steve Clifford: Professional metal detector/Host of Falling Of the Cliff w/Steve Clifford on The Travel Channel
Nobody took the loss of Harambe harder than Steve Clifford. After moping around his house for two full days in late May 2016, his wife had enough of his mourning and told him to go find a hobby. Clifford ventured out into the frozen tundra that is Maine in early June with his trusty metal detector to look for gold and maybe some answers.
While he didn’t find gold, he found something better in the form of his own Travel Channel show, Falling Off the Cliff w/Steve Clifford. It was a snowy June morning on a beach somewhere in Maine. Something got wedged between his slides and his knee-high orthopedic socks.
Clifford fell down a fjord to land in a sandy snow slush mess. While he may or may not have sustained injuries, thankfully his metal detector was still intact. At the bottom of the cliff, Clifford would literally run into talent executive for the Travel Channel Erik Spoelstra. Spoelstra was looking for on-air talent to fill the coveted Tuesday night block. He had been set on the idea that Swamp Dragons was going to be the biggest show on television since M.A.S.H.
After they grieved for Harambe for approximately 17 minutes, Clifford and Spoelstra started talking big picture. They hashed out a television contract for Clifford to join Spoelstra as an executive producer for the upcoming series Swamp Dragons. Clifford has always been a believer in conspiracies, telling Spoelstra, “You had me at Swamp Dragons.”
Since that television saga has yet to be green lit, the dynamic duo for The Travel Channel magically created the best show on the network today. Falling Off the Cliff is basically Clifford going to random places across the globe and searching for buried treasure. He has developed a healthy, but very real rivalry with Andrew Zimmern, as Zimmern believes that Clifford is just ripping him off, but using a metal detector.
Clifford found Bigfoot seven times with his metal detector in season one. Apparently, that was the apparatus people needed to use to find Bigfoot. Since the passing of Harambe, Clifford has become an overnight sensation. In a world of cord cutting, politics, sports and Falling Off the Cliff w/Steve Clifford are the platforms that carry cable television. Spoelstra, and Clifford, now have the capital to create Swamp Dragons.
Mike D’Antoni: EVP of Kellogg’s, Pringles division
Though he was technically born in West Virginia, Mike D’Antoni was formerly a Cincinnati man. He had the mustache that Mr. Red would tip his cap towards. Though he played some basketball at Marshall, for the Kings when they were in two different midwestern cities and in some place called Italy, we all secretly knew that D’Antoni was the heir apparent to Pringles potato chip empire.
When he was in high school, the Pringles brand was successfully acquired by Cincinnati-based consumer product conglomerate Procter & Gamble. The idea was to ensure that every variety of Pringles could be located in any Kroger in the world. It was ambitious, but the D’Antoni/Pringles clan made it happen.
Once he kind of got done with Italy, D’Antoni came back stateside to take on those jerks from Plano, Texas called Frito-Lay. It was a brutal 20-year potato chip war between P&G and Frito-Lay. Once Lay’s Stax came out in the aughts, the Pringles empire was in disarray. Once Frito-Lay popped, the fun stopped.
Besides things like toothpaste, the Pringles brand was what was keeping the Cincinnati economy alive. D’Antoni tried to implement a Seven Pringles or Less campaign by selling partial stacks to the masses, but that was considered indefensible. P&G had to make a choice.
Eventually P&G sold Pringles to some cereal company called Kellogg’s and D’Antoni was now a Michigan man. He shaved his mustache off as part of the acquisition. Cincinnati lost its collective mind. The Reds stopped making the playoffs, the Bengals punted on winning playoff games, the Bearcats couldn’t get invited to the Big 12, and the zoo lost Harambe.
It was a chaotic few years for the Pringles empire, but D’Antoni has found a new home in Battle Creek, Michigan. He discovered something delicious called Corn Flakes. They are much easier on the stomach than a Seven Pringles or Less stack of salt and vinegar crisps for breakfast. D’Antoni has embraced breakfast cereal for the first time in his life. The Pringles family has never been prouder.
Billy Donovan: Ex-Marine turned small town barber
Billy Donovan is the second-most decorated military man of the 30 people whose careers we are dissecting on this fine day. From 18 years old to 40 years of age, Donovan proudly served in the Armed Forces as a Marine. Nearly all the missions he went on are highly classified, but one day we’ll know the truth.
Until then, you can find Billy the Barber down on Main Street giving all the local men their haircuts six days a week. He developed an intense, fiery passion for the art of cosmetology whilst in the United States military. Few men are better with a straight razor or a buzzer than Donovan.
He is ridiculously efficient at grooming the follicles of the fine folks within the township he resides. Donovan spends no more than five minutes on a man’s ‘do. He is able to shear the scalps of men of all ages because of his strict regiment as a barber.
Like Ron Swanson believes, there are only three acceptable types of men’s haircuts in the world: high-and-tight, crew cut, buzz cut. If you ask for anything else, Donovan will turn you balder than Billy Corgan faster than you can sing the chorus to “Bullet With Butterfly Wings”. Despite all your rage, you cannot be saved from Donovan’s buzzer.
Since rejoining civilian life after 22 years in the military, Donovan is happily married with seven daughters. He can give the best shave $10 can buy, but is not too thrilled about his inability to deliver a y-chromosome.
So Donovan’s life post-miliary is about two things: 1.) Being a small town barber and 2.) Picking up Barbies scattered all across his family’s base camp. He is very gifted about getting all the tangles out of his daughters’ Rapunzel-like hair. Just don’t tell the boys down at the shop that Billy the Barber is the best French-braider in his congressional district.
David Fizdale: Data analyst skeptic for three of the Big Four accounting firms
When David Fizdale walks into your Office Space, watch out. He is the type of data consultant that even the Bobs are afraid of. Nobody asks Fizdale, “What do you do here?” because that’s a clown question, bro. He is the consultant of consultants.
Fizdale is privately contracted by three of the four Big Four accounting firms (more on that in a bit) to over-analyze all the ‘data’ that his inferiors collected before him. He is in charge of finding all the holes in other consultants’ work. Fizdale is so good at his job that a Big Four accounting firm usually ends up canning one of the consultants Fizdale cleans up from.
His catchphrase of “Take that for data!” lets the entire office know that he found something that consultants before him clearly missed. Fizdale continues to have a healthy working relationship with Deloitte & Touche, Ernst & Young and KPMG, but not PricewaterhouseCoopers. He no longer takes freelance opportunities from PwC and here’s why.
Fizdale was brought in to help with the accounting efforts for the 2017 Academy Awards. It was a super-serious event for Fizdale, as he had always dreamed about counting all the votes at the Oscars. He was the first person to point out the La La Land fiasco. Fizdale banged his fist on the table that Moonlight was the winner, but the seasoned PwC accountants ‘rooked’ him.
He was so furious that he called up a sports book in Las Vegas to put five on Moonlight to win Best Picture. When he arrived in Las Vegas a few hours later, he collected his winnings and took that for data.
Though he doesn’t need to work another day in his life, Fizdale is trying his hand in television. He has the frames, the suits and the business mind to be the next great shark on Shark Tank. Fizdale doesn’t plan to invest in anybody else’s dumb idea. He’s choosing to be Shark Tank to point out all the faults in their idiot business models. ABC is just glad he’s good on camera.
Alvin Gentry: Bassist for a one-hit wonder funk band from the 1980s
Alvin “Chipmunk” Gentry is the greatest bass player you’ve never heard of. He is considered to be the James Jamerson of funky studio bass. NOBODY pops like the Chipmunk, not even Flea. Gentry has been a secret producer to every Red Hot Chili Peppers album that featured John Frusciante on guitar. He’s basically the George Martin of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Sorry, Rick Rubin.
Before doing serious work in the studio slapping the bass, mon, Gentry was the featured player for the 1980s funk group out of South Detroit called The Space People. They went Top-40 just once, but their debut album Out of this World went triple-platinum.
The problem for The Space People was that Gentry had never heard of the song “Walk the Dinosaur” by Was (Was Not). Bassist Don Was claims that The Chipmunk copied his signature bass line from that funky fresh track. In the early 1990s, they reached a settlement, but financial struggles from the litigation process brought an end to The Space People.
Gentry would work a few odd jobs in the late ’80s to early ’90s to support himself. It was a tough couple of years for him, but he met some Chili Peppers under a bridge in Los Angeles. Little did he know that his music career would take off more than The Space People ever did.
Blood Sugar Sex Magik has gone seven-times platinum. While Gentry didn’t work on the commercial disaster that was One Hot Minute, he spent the rest of the 1990s playing bass on a show about nothing called Seinfeld. Once Seinfeld ended in 1998, Gentry found Frusciante and cranked out three more awesome records with the Red Hot Chili Peppers: Californication, By The Way and Stadium Arcadium.
Once Frusciante had enough of the Chili Peppers, Gentry would leave their Los Angeles studio for good. He has since found success for Bruno Mars, The Weeknd, and is secretly the third member of Daft Punk. Gentry doesn’t understand robots and isn’t into masks, so that’s why he doesn’t tour with the French duo.
Fred Hoiberg: The Mayor of Ames, Iowa
After making so many shots from distance in the Big Eight with the Iowa State Cyclones, shooting guard Fred Hoiberg became so popular locally that he started to gain votes for an upcoming mayoral race. Hoiberg never took up Iowan politics, but what if he did?
Rather than coming off the bench for the Minnesota Timberwolves and the Chicago Bulls in the 1990s, what if Hoiberg recognized at an early age that his life was about connecting with the fine folks of Ames rather than the frustrating teammates he had in the NBA?
Hoiberg would run for office as The Mayor of Ames, Iowa at the ripe young age of 26. He ran as a member of the Populist Party on the slogan “Pace-and-Space”. Hoiberg semi-hated having to walk to Hilton Coliseum from his house as a kid, so he was definitely pro-transportation. Ames now has the best public transit system of any college town in the Power 5.
Though he does like corn in some capacity, Hoiberg believes that Ames needed more parks for kids to play sports in. As a result, Iowa State basketball has beaten the snot out of the Kansas Jayhawks in the Big 12 Tournament each of the last eight years. Iowa State football routinely throttles the Texas Longhorns and Oklahoma Sooners on the gridiron. The Big 12 now has 14 teams because of the Cyclones’ success athletically.
Hoiberg has been in office since 2000. He eventually became Representative Hoiberg for Iowa in 2008. After four terms in Congress, he has successfully pivoted into being Iowa’s junior senator. His pace-and-space program has transformed cities like Ames, Davenport, Iowa City and the state capital of Des Moines into gold standard transportation hubs.
President Obama believed that Hoiberg has done more for public transportation than President Dwight D. Eisenhower. Hoiberg has been picked by President Walton to rebuild all the roads and rail infrastructure in America. Hard to believes this all stems from Hoiberg hate-walking in the snow to lace ’em up at Hilton as a youth in Ames. Iowans still say that the Mayor rarely misses his jumper from atop the key.
Jeff Hornacek: Square dancing instructor who is forced to use The Triangle
It might take two to tango, but it only takes Jeff Hornacek to learn how to be the best square dancer this side of the Mississippi. Hornacek discovered his love for square dancing in middle school P.E. He may have had other aspirations athletically as a kid, but square dancing was his calling.
Hornacek is a 16-time World Square Dancing Champion. Whether it’s your neighborhood Elks Lodge or Kiwanis International chapter, Hornacek can be found across this great country of ours teaching folks the Texas Two-Step, the Do-Si-Do or other nifty dance moves.
Hornacek further supplements his income by hosting bingo night at an apartment complex for active seniors and as the understudy deejay for proms or homecoming dances. He is basically the Michael Flatley of square dancing. Hornacek draws inspiration from Flatley, as he semi-stole his nickname The Lord of the Square Dance in the process.
Overall, Hornacek is not for everybody, but he does have respect in the most niche of markets. Square dancers love him, the active seniors tolerate him on bingo night, and the brats on prom absolutely hate his music selection. That’s why he’s an understudy deejay.
There is one guy that seems to get under Hornacek’s skin the most. His name is “Phil”. He teaches things at the local high school and falls asleep during bingo night, especially when he has a winning card. Phil will argue with Hornacek that he should win every round of bingo because it’s a skill game.
Hornacek deals with it, but cannot understand for the life of him why Phil shows up to square dancing competitions demanding that he run something called The Triangle. Phil refutes the notion that he’s barking for a waltz in between slumbers. Hornacek has never once thought about waltzing a day in his life. Phil thinks it’s the best way to win, and he proudly wears his 13 decoder rings everywhere he goes.
Dave Joerger: Power tools pusher/sales
One day, Dave Joerger is going to own all the horses and vineyards in Napa Valley. It has been his life’s ambition for about a year now. Though he’s never rode horseback or been to a vineyard before, Joerger definitely enjoys the finer things in life.
For now, he’s pushing power tools at the local Home Depot, Lowe’s, Albertsons or Ralphs. Power Tool Dave is everywhere, sometimes multiple locations at the same time. He understands fully that this is the only way to make his dreams a reality. Joerger has made a small fortune on his effective, but highly questionable sales tactics.
He hates being called a sales person and prefers to be called The Pusher because he doesn’t care if you need a power drill or not, because you’re getting one from him. To Joerger, power drills can solve any problem that duct tape cannot, because of science. Whether you’re six or 66, have perfect credit or no credit, Joerger is going to find a way to make sure you leave the store with a power drill.
He has been employee of the month four times this year, as he is the best sales person in the office since Bill Brasky. Conversely, Joerger has been reprimanded at least 17 times for pushing equipment that he is not exactly licensed to sell. He has started up more chain saws and lawn mowers for “demonstration purposes” on a three-day weekend than a landscape crew would even think about firing up in a fortnight.
Over the loud, albeit amusing sound of two power drills oscillating in unison, Joerger routinely utters his signature closing phrase, “Can your power drill do this?” Normally is it followed by a 540 degree spin where Joerger nearly loses his balance on his right foot falling forward. He’s not graceful, but he’s always closing.
Though he has allegedly chased customers around a Lowe’s with a chainsaw overhead, his third-party employer let’s Power Tool Dave do whatever he wants most of the time. This is because both Bosch and Ryobi’s stocks have quintupled since Joerger has been on the power tool campaign. He’s closer to owning all the horses and vineyards in Napa Valley than he realizes. In one year, Joerger has become the second-richest person in Modesto.
Steve Kerr: Retired CIA operative/”florist” (back problems)
Everybody likes Steve Kerr, certainly more than that Ray Romano guy on television. He’s not as glorious as he once was, but he was the best “florist” in the Tri-State Area for about 15 years. Not really. The guy couldn’t tell the difference between a tulip and a daisy. However, Kerr wasn’t really a florist.
Only The Circle of Trust and the Wilson Brother with the twice-broken nose knew that Kerr was secretly a secret agent man. Out of Arizona, Kerr took a job with the CIA doing all the things that Stan Smith couldn’t do. Operation Ko Samui was a piece of cake for Kerr. Hotels.com stood no chance.
After jumping out of more airplanes than D.B. Cooper, Kerr had to abruptly retire from working in the field for the CIA mid-season due to back problems. It was a shame, as he was the best sharp-shooter not named Floyd Lawton stateside.
It hasn’t been all that bad though. Kerr recently sold his flower shop front to some Englishman who wears secondhand ties named V.M. Varga. Together, they’re going to be billionaires, or that’s the plan that Varga fella has in place.
Closing up shop has allowed Kerr to bestow his knowledge to all members of his family. His cat is toilet trained and his grandson Steven, who is named after him, is definitely going to be a genius. While the new son-in-law to-be from Detroit seems like a real piece of work, retirement is going pretty, pretty, pretty good for Kerr.
All of his daughters have successfully married into families that are well-versed in medical fields. When he’s not hanging out with his family, Kerr does like destroy opponents with The Death Lineup in a healthy game of on-line Risk.
Jason Kidd: NYPD cop, relegated to traffic
Jason Kidd was once atop his class at the Police Academy. He was better than Steve Guttenberg and that guy that makes all the noises. Kidd was poised to be the best of the best of the best, sir! With honors, but he had an unfortunate incident while working at a sporting event.
Kidd just kept throwing ice on the Barclays Center hardwood. He basically panicked because he thought the Islanders weren’t going to have enough ice to play their rivalry game with the Devils.
Kidd realized his error too late when the Lopez Brothers told him to stop. The Nets were playing a home game against whatever team Robin Lopez signed a one-year deal with that season. From being in charge of security at the Barclays Center among others things, Kidd has been relegated to traffic duty by New York Police commissioner Frank Vogel who “doesn’t want No Scrubs messing up NBA games.”
Though optimistic about his new role in traffic, Kidd has practiced his peacock-inspired dance moves while still keeping Manhattan traffic in perpetual gridlock. Doesn’t that beat having to hang out back at the station with his new partner/police department accountant Brad Stevens? He’s pretty boring and drives a Prius. Yeah, traffic sounds better.
Kidd knows that anything you say or do can be used as a flotation device, but is not a fan of the good, old-fashioned desk pop. Desk pops are terrifying like lions, or better yet, tuna fish. Commissioner Vogel definitely appreciates Officer Kidd’s enthusiasm for the law, but is not almost the most clutch in important situations.
Kidd and Stevens will one day rise to the tippy top of the NYPD, but they have to investigate some faulty scaffolding permits forged by some guy named David Ershon.
Tyronn Lue: Ladder sales/bug rights activist
Back when he had braids, Tyronn Lue got picked on real bad by some bully named Allen Iverson. He literarily stepped over Lue when they were playing for marbles or something. In what would be the defining moment of his early life, Lue found inspiration in a hardware store.
Lue successfully avoided Power Tool Dave at his local Lowe’s and started to think big picture, as in ladders. To this day, Lue’s Ladders have transformed the industry. “Your too big to be small” is scripted on the base of ever Lue Ladder. Ten percent of every Lue Ladder purchased goes to his favorite charity, Bug Life.
Lue helped found Bug Life very early on in the process. With the blessing of Pixar Studios, Lue has begun one of the most important social justice movements of the 21st century. Today, bugs are treated like royalty in blue states and now some red states because bees are important.
Lue first came up with the idea by watching Bug’s Life, thinking to himself “I relate to this ant. How can I help?” Through the help of the other Utah Senator besides Orrin Hatch, Lue and the Beehive State are pushing for an amendment to the United States Constitution, that all men and insects are created equal.
The vote in Congress to allow insects suffrage is probably not going to pass. Too many Congressmen are abstaining because bees, fire ants and cockroaches are scary. Lue understands that insect suffrage might be a lost cause, but more people need ladders than power drills, right?
In a way, both Dave Joerger and Lue use the ample square footage at Home Depot to chase their dreams. Joerger’s is about equine ownership and making merlot. Lue just don’t want people to get stepped over or bugs to get stepped on, just ladders. Needless to say, it is easier to get behind what Lue is doing. It’s not like he chases you into to parking lot with a chain saw, allegedly.
Michael Malone: Local Boston boxing legend “Mighty Mikey”/may have founded Fight Club (shhhh)
Though he only won 41.5 percent of his fights, welterweight boxer Michael “Mighty Mikey” Malone is a Boston sports legend. In a city that only wins championships, why does Boston love this guy so much, especially since he was raised in Queens?
Malone did move around a lot as a kid, but gained a following as an underground boxer in the 1990s. He opened something called Fight Club, but the first and second rules say that we’re not supposed to talk about it, so we won’t.
The guy was relentless in the ring. He went the distance every time, having never been knocked out during his entire boxing career. Malone became the Boston version of Chuck Wepner, but didn’t achieve the heights of that Rocky Balboa guy from Philadelphia. That being said, he inspired many Americans to go to The Distance.
Some Sacramento based alternative band that might be named after bread went platinum back in 1996 after releasing their signature song that pays tribute to Mighty Mikey. Though immensely popular, Malone never developed a signature finishing move, as he was more of a jabber. Harmonicist John Popper had a better Hook than Malone.
Because he would always go the distance, the mob might have tried to manipulate Malone to take the fall or intentionally lose. Malone had too much pride to let anything other than his blood, sweat and tears to hit the mat, so he ignored Marcellus Wallace’s plea.
Now retired from professional boxing, Malone still keeps time with that gold watch Christopher Walken gave to him while he oversees his boxing gym down in Southie. Though he is a pacifist out of the ring, don’t mention Fight Club or Mighty Mikey will go the distance with you in the alley around back. Word on the street is that his jab is as good as it ever was.
Nate McMillan: Car wash magnate in the Pacific Northwest
Nate McMillan has made millions in the Pacific Northwest not only on the hardwood, but in the car wash industry. He may have spent most of his adult life doing things in Seattle and Portland on the basketball court, but that was all about scouting locations to add to his budding Pacific Northwest car wash empire.
Initially started as Mr. Sonic’s, that didn’t go over well in Washington State post-Howard Schultz ownership. Greater Portland never liked Mr. Sonic’s and that hamburger chain that does those commercials with the guys in the car is headquartered in the city where that one basketball team went.
While he did make it rain for a living in Seattle, as Weatherman Nate made 34.1 percent of his shots from Mt. Rainer and beyond, McMillan HATES rain. It adversely affects his car washing empire. There may be more Mac Wash’s per square foot in downtown Seattle than Starbucks, but rain is never good for business.
McMillan had his opportunity to relocate his car washing franchise to Greater Oklahoma City, as the budding oil market has left a lot of mid-size sedans far too dirty. However, he doesn’t want to step on anybody else’s territory and the 12th Man NEEDS him on fall Sundays at CenturyLink. You’ll find McMillan as the shirtless green dude with feathers strategically placed across his torso because Go ‘Hawks.
Besides having oversaturated the Pacific Northwest car washing market, McMillan has exclusive licensing to sell only the finest SuperSonics gear inside his establishments. Sometimes, his buddies like Gary Payton, Shawn Kemp and Detlef Schrempf show up and push products like autographed jerseys and ‘Squatch air fresheners.
Since McMillan has represented the 12th Man so well over the years, he is allowed to sell Trail Blazers gear in Portland because he and Paul Allen are tight. Rain or shine, when President of the United States of America Bill Walton shows up to Mac’s, people buy air fresheners and get car washes, even in a torrential downpour. McMillan does just fine in his line of work.
Gregg Popovich: Top Gun flight instructor, Call sign: Pop
It doesn’t matter that he has his roots in the Air Force Academy tree, Gregg Popovich is the best Top Gun flight instructor since Tom Skerritt. Popovich didn’t want to take over for Skerritt at flight school because the man is the freaking Viper, but Popovich does have an affinity for aviator sunglasses.
When he’s not telling wanna-be pilots to do barrel rolls or try somersaults, Popovich is an effective communicator in the class room. Some of the best pilots that have come through the Top Gun academy in San Antonio, Texas include David “Admiral” Robinson, Steve “Wildcat” Kerr, Mike “Bud” Budenholzer, and Sean “Missy” Elliott.
Losing Tim “Timmy” Duncan in the Thunder-induced jet wash last summer was a sad moment for the academy. Fortunately, Popovich has a pretty good crop of pilots and RIOs in his current class: Tony “Frenchy” Parker, Manu “Lefty” Ginobili, LaMarcus “Sunset” Aldridge, Pau “Pow!” Gasol, and some wunderkind known as Kawhi “Robot” Leonard.
All five have achieved greatness in the field and in the classroom, but they have a big test against the rival academy in the Oakland Wildcats. In a few short days, Pop’s boys will have to take on the likes of Stephen “Chef” Curry, Klay “Bulldog” Thompson, Kevin “Reaper” Durant and something known as Draymond “Nutcracker” Green.
It will be really tough for Pop to stop Team Wildcat. Frenchy is in the docking bay, Robot is in the docking bay, Lefty can’t go right anymore, Sunset always fades at night and can you really trust the Spanish Onomatapoeia to be as impactful as Rob Riggle in times of crisis? Pau, Pow!
Fortunately for Pop, he can technically go through Scottsdale on the way to Oakland to have a few vinos with dear friend Bud. They can talk about aerial strategy tactics while blasting “Danger Zone” like Sterling Archer, just so they can drown out that Van Gundy fella who won’t shut up about his “wall”. When it’s time for Bud to make the donuts, Pop will take his talents, and his students, to Oakland to take on Team Wildcat in the City by The Bay.
Doc Rivers: Daytime talk show host, Doc Talk w/Doc
Though he’ll NEVER admit to it, we all secretly know that Glenn “Doc” Rivers is not a licensed medical professional. Well, that didn’t stop the CW from giving Rivers his own daytime talk show after Steve Harvey messed up again. Doc Talk w/Doc has come a long way since its first few seasons on air.
After struggling to gain a following initially because of something called Oprah, Rivers had his breakthrough moment when he decided to berate Andre Young on national television. Rivers didn’t understand that Young was not a cardiologist because Dr. Dre is a beat doctor. YouTube grew exponentially in the aughts because of this on-air altercation and something called Numa Numa.
Rivers knows about as much about being a doctor as Brian Fellows knows about animals. He helps people who need help with their problems on live television by yelling at them when they blow ‘a call’. Strangely, Rivers has never heard of Jerry Springer or Phil McGraw, as the CW is The Clash of channels: the only channel that matters.
Rivers tackles the most important topics on his talk show like paternity tests, cousins that have feelings for each other and of course nepotism. His producer/son Austin books all the guests. While every booking inevitably resolves into an argument, Rivers thinks he’s changing lives because the Nielsen ratings tell him so.
He has become such a cultural phenomenon that the CW is seriously considering putting him on as a late night talk show host to go up against the likes of Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, James Corden, Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O’Brien. Rivers isn’t down with talking politics, but is open to the idea of doing sketches.
Rivers has come up with something he likes to call Carpool Therapy, where he finds celebrities in Los Angeles and tries to have them open up on air about their biggest demons. He has been working on being more compassionate, saying things like “how does that make you feel?” instead of his patented back-fisted power slap. Rivers has quickly become the Skip Bayless of daytime talk show ratings. He’s still doing fine because he’s still convinced that he’s a doctor that helps people.
Quin Snyder: Sci-fi novelist based out of Waco, Texas/Ghostwriter for Jeff Goldblum’s still unnamed autobiography
If you really think about it, doesn’t Quin Snyder just sound like the nom de plume of a science fiction novelist? In this version of reality where Kyle Korver is a six-time Sprite Slam Dunk Champion and President Walton is running for a third term because everyone’s cool with it, sci-fi writing is exactly what Snyder does for a living.
He resides in the college town of Waco, Texas because he knows that he’s not going to be bothered by the local police department. Snyder keeps a very tight schedule of writing and weirdness. The few people who know him from around town outside of the sci-fi scene feel that he’s a perfect combination of Lester Bangs, J.D. Salinger, Nikola Tesla and Henry David Thoreau.
His Pulitzer Prize winning novel The Space People inspired Alvin “Chipmunk” Gentry to slap the bass, mon. Snyder drew inspiration for the main character Peter Klaven from Jeff Goldblum’s performance in The Fly. Fate would have it that Mr. Goldbum has made first contact with Snyder down in Waco about being the ghostwriter for his new autobiography.
Snyder knew that transcribing the dozens of verbose Goldblum interviews about The Fly was going to take a long, long time, but The Fly changed both of their lives considerably, so he’s all-in. While Snyder didn’t really get Jurassic Park, he found Goldblum’s performance in Independence Day simply delightful.
Snyder’s only regret in his writing career is that he didn’t write Independence Day. It would have allowed him to work with Goldblum at least 20 years earlier. While he would have found Randy Quaid to be a hoot and a half, Snyder didn’t like that Harry Connick Jr. had better hair than him and he finds Will Smith to be nails on a chalkboard.
Technically, Snyder had the opportunity to work on the adapted screenplay for Men in Black, but turned it down once he found out that Smith beat out Wesley Snipes for the role of J. It’s the only sci-fi film Snyder has never seen. Once he finishes the Goldblum autobiography for Goldblum, Snyder plans to write about Harry Caray’s fascination with space.
Erik Spoelstra: Talent scout for The Travel Channel/Executive producer for the “Swamp Dragons” project
Erik Spoelstra grew up in Portland, so he’s a little bit of a different cat. While his father was into marketing, Spoelstra found his calling in finding the people that can help turn so-so ideas into pretty good cable television shows.
With a degree in communications and an eye for all things weird, Spoelstra got a job out of college working for The Travel Channel. His claim to fame is wrangling what we now know as the Food Trifecta: Anthony Bourdain, Adam Richman and Andrew Zimmern.
No Reservations, Man vs. Food and Bizarre Foods have made Spoelstra very wealthy. However, he is fixated on his biggest challenge to date. Pressured by his Portlandian father to create a hit television show called “Swamp Dragons”, Spoelstra is doing just that.
Spoelstra had spent the last 48 weeks in the Lower 48 looking for geographical locations and people who can bring “Swamp Dragons” to life. Just when he was about to give up on a snowy June day in Maine, metal detector expert Steve Clifford literally fell into his lap after stumbling off a fjord. The slides didn’t survive the fall, but the metal detector sure did. Spoelstra got his first big break on the “Swamp Dragons” project by successfully recruiting Clifford as his co-producer.
To say that “Swamp Dragons” is a highly classified project in the works for The Travel Channel would be a gross understatement. Spoelstra thought on his feet and has Clifford starring on The Travel Channel’s newest hit, Falling Off the Cliff w/Steve Clifford.
The first three episodes where Clifford found Bigfoot with a metal detector set record ratings, successfully expanding the “Swamp Dragons” budget. Word on the street is that they start shooting the first season in East Rutherford in February. Spoelstra has never been happier in his entire life.
Brad Stevens: Accountant for the NYPD
When Brad Stevens wakes up in the morning, he puts his khaki pants on one leg at a time. Though he was once slightly more adventurous in his youth as “Gator”, Stevens now punches the clock 9 to 5 working as an accountant for the NYPD.
While he did graduate near the top of his class, Stevens had never fired his weapon until Rob Riggle convinced him that it was a good idea for his first desk pop. Captain Frank Vogel unfortunately had to take away Stevens’ firearm and replace it with one made out of wood. Stevens did not listen to Cap’n Frank’s “be smart” speech.
To his dismay, Stevens has been partnered with that same cop that broke the Lopez brother’s leg with all the ice in the world at the Barclays Center. Officer Jason Kidd is not overly thrilled to work with that pencil pusher Stevens guy either.
When out investigating a faulty scaffolding permit, Stevens needs to crank some Little River Band to get fired up for America!
When he’s at home not having to deal with Crazy Kidd, Cap’n Frank or Rob Riggle, he and his wife stare at each other, not blink and eat vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles on top because you have to live a little on Friday nights, right?
The good news is that Kidd and Stevens are actually bringing out the best in each other in their buddy cop partnership. Investigating the faulty scaffolding permit seems to have opened up this Ershon case considerably. Cap’n Frank doesn’t want them to go chasing waterfalls, but they ain’t too proud to beg for this opportunity to solve a career-defining case.
Terry Stotts: Perpetually on retainer for the Fargo Syndicate
Terry Stotts may be 6-foot-8, but he found out that he could win bigger in the court of law than on the hardwood. He used his height to reach new heights by getting a basketball scholarship as a lad in the Upper Midwest so that he could one day become the best lawyer the Dakotas or Minnesota have ever seen.
Right out of school, he found work representing some people that might do business in a town called Fargo. Stotts wasn’t exactly sure what “the Syndicate” did in terms of business at first, but he found the job exciting and a high-paying one at that.
Initially trained to understand the finer nuances of CBAs, he did also minor in Bird Law under the critically acclaimed professor Charles Day. Little did Stotts know that Bird Law and not Maritime Law, like that Bluth fella tried to get him to minor with him, was what ultimately got him a Barry Zuckerkornian type of gig with The Fargo Syndicate.
Stotts has semi-successfully represented Carl Showalter, Moses Tripoli, Mike Milligan, and allegedly Maurice Le Fay. Overall, Stotts has a cool, cool gig in a cold, cold part of the country. It’s not a very populated area, but judges in the Upper Midwest fear the day when Scary Terry enters their courtroom.
To further intimidate the prosecution and influence the jury, Stotts will wear clothes that were technically designed to fit grown men that are 6-foot-5. If gives off the allure that he is indeed larger than life, about to straight-up Hulk out of his $200 suit from the Varga Collection.
Stotts rarely loses in a court of law, as his vocabulary cuts through the Minnesota accent of his opposition like a hot knife through butter. Either his clients are acquitted of all charges by the judge, or the Kitchen Brothers serve their own variation of justice around back. Don’t speak. I know what you’re thinking. Please just stop explaining. Don’t tell me ’causes it hurts. Pretty sure Stotts only wears secondhand ties, but whatever.
Tom Thibodeau: Sole Proprietor for Thibodeau Security, LTD
Tom Thibodeau and his ex-wife Cynthia used to raise Pomeranians professionally. However, bowling and powerlifting got in the way of that lucrative enterprise and TOm had to go a differeny way. Today, Thibodeau is the sole proprietor of his life and his business, Thibodeau Security, LTD.
He’s part locksmith, part booby trap expert. Only Thibodeau can get into your house, he just chooses not to. He’d prefer to continue to draw inspiration from the kid wizard Kevin McAllister because defense is the best offense when you’re home alone.
Though well-respected by a small number of customers in the Greater Los Angeles area, Thibodeau Security, LTD is really just a means to feed Thibodeau’s bowling and power lifting addiction. His adult men’s bowling league is highly competitive but his team — of the Rubik’s cube heir and some talking dude that likes to surf — do just fine, except on Saturday nights.
Thibodeau does not roll on shabbas, though Saturday is for the boys. When he is in his element, Thibodeau will saddle up to the bar at the Two Seasons (Winter and Summer) Bowling Alley in Greater Milwaukee. He’ll listen to the ramblings about Stan’s wall, but he’s usually there to talk bowling.
His bowling triumvirate has an unhealthy rivalry with The Purple Cobras. Blazer and Lazer don’t talk very much, but team captain Dwight Goodman doesn’t stop. His gym sponsors this bowling team and takes the training and conditioning for the sport way too seriously.
One time Lazer did cross the line and Thibodeau was having absolutely none of that. He screamed “mark it zero” because “this is bowling and there are rules.” That “incident” cost the bowling triumvirate their shot at winning the regional bowling championship. Thibodeau is a fearless competitor, but will occasionally lose his temper in a game of 10-pin from time to time.
Stan Van Gundy: Manager of the third most profitable bowling alley in Greater Milwaukee
Though retired, Stan Van Gundy was the second-best bowler on the PBA Tour in 1990s behind only Pete Weber. As a youth in suburban Milwaukee, Van Gundy bowled seven perfect games during his senior year. He successfully turned that into a full athletic scholarship to Marquette University.
Seven years later, Van Gundy finally graduated from school. He was poise to take over his father’s brake pad business, but his kid brother Jeff beat him to it. Van Gundy Auto was a proud sponsor of the PBA Tour for 17 years, enjoying the bumping ride of Stan “Kingpin” Van Gundy’s career.
After a few terrible business decisions, including putting all this money he thought he had into this wall of his, Van Gundy was close to broke before coming across the Two Seasons Bowling Alley. With his very last sponsorship check from MillerCoors, Van Gundy bought the lanes at a premium before the housing bubble collapsed in 2008.
Van Gundy had tried to sell Two Seasons at least 14 times since purchasing it in 2008. “The wall doesn’t build itself,” he says at least three times a day. However, nobody is sure of why Van Gundy is all about this wall of his or where it currently resides. He’s been mum on those two questions for a long, long time.
Though in the black for the third straight quarter, Van Gundy quickly realized that he is operating only the third most profitable bowling alley in Greater Milwaukee. While he will never concede to the idea that the wall is a money pit that deserves no financial re-investment whatsoever, Van Gundy is open to new and exciting ideas to increase capital.
The adult men’s bowling league has been an overwhelming success, although that incident between Thibodeau and Lazer was terrible for public relations. Van Gundy is considering the new wave idea of cosmic bowling “for the kids” although it might be too outside of the wall for him to follow through on.
Frank Vogel: NYPD police chief/sales at Bed, Bath and Beyond
Captain Frank Vogel is one of the many police chiefs scattered across Manhattan for the NYPD. His leadership style is a perfect combination of no nonsense, but being totally relatable as one of the guys. While Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Rob Riggle do great work in the field for him, Vogel does have two officers in his precinct that definitely need some work.
Officer Jason Kidd once flourished like a peacock out of the police academy, but did accidentally break one of the Lopez Brothers’ legs because he kept throwing ice on the Barclays Center hardwood. Kidd could not have been more sure that the Islanders were playing the Devils that night.
Officer Brad Stevens is more of an accountant than anything. He does all the paperwork that The Rock and Rob Riggle aren’t down with doing. He had never discharged his police-issued firearm until that unfortunate desk pop episode last Tuesday week. Stevens currently is in possession of Vogel’s favorite wooden pistol.
To date, Vogel’s greatest contribution to the NYPD was his famous “Be smart” speech. Uttered in 2010, it has since become gospel in the Tri-State area for how an officer of the law should think while on duty.
To help pay for his son’s liberal arts degree at NYU, Vogel is the nighttime manager at a local Bed, Bath and Beyond. He specializes in team unity and selling all the bath mats Bed, Bath and Beyond can buy. Juggling officers Kidd and Stevens on top of bath mats is tough, but Vogel is no scrub. He’s Cap’n Frank, NYPD police chief!
Luke Walton: DJ of a classic hits station in DC — “Cool Man Luke”, also the son of The President
During the day, son of The President of the United States of America Bill Walton, Luke Walton kind of walks around The West Wing doing things that he thinks the son of The President should do. He’ll pop into random meetings between the US Press Secretary and the fine folks comprising the Washington correspondents.
In all honesty, it’s not easy being the son of The President or being 6-foot-8. It’s hard to hide in plain sight. Like Upper Midwest defense lawyer Terry Stotts, it’s just really hard to find suits that fit guys that are over 6-foot-5. Walton has yet to use the intimidation factor to his advantage.
While he has recently found a day job as the understudy of the undersecretary to somebody in his father’s cabinet, the truth is that Walton does his best work at night. Like Bruce Wayne, Walton has somewhat of an alter ego once the sun goes down on the nation’s capital.
It’s not that bad. Walton isn’t hurting anybody at night. That’s because he is secretly KTHL 1600 AM’s No. 1 deejay “Cool Man Luke”. He spins more Grateful Dead tracks than a hippy protesting on Pennsylvania Avenue. Occasionally, some avid listener known as POTUS will call in requesting more “China Cat Sunflower” and less “Touch of Grey”. POTUS is also concerned he can never find his son this time of night.
Though his first night spinning records was during the inauguration, “Cool Man Luke” is developing quite the reputation among the D.C. area Deadheads and Phishheads. He has a voice that would make a wolverine purr. It is a cross between Jim Nantz calling The Masters at Augusta National and Morgan Freeman narrating movies about penguins.
Not since some guy known as Deep Throat has Washington, D.C. been this obsessed with trying to figure out who some guy is. The Washington Post has current poll out on who “Cool Man Luke” is: Luke Wilson leads Other by 50 points in the polls.
Earl Watson: Record producer, 287 Records
Earl Watson is a slick cat. After watching at least 16 episodes of Empire on television, he thinks he understands what it takes to build in a thriving record company in an increasingly digital age. He founded 287 Records last month on the principle of signing 28.7 percent of all musicians he talks to. You can’t go bankrupt when you own over a fifth of the record industry, right?
Though KTHL 1600 AM in Washington, D.C. spins mostly Phish records, Watson has developed a good working partnership with “Cool Man Luke” to give the nation’s capital an exclusive sneak preview to the best tracks no one’s heard of yet.
Watson saw one of his guys drop 70 in Boston. If he can get a following in that market, then 287 Records will be the biggest thing to hit New England since Notorious P.A.P.I. They do love them some Biggie Ortiz, that’s for sure.
Just the other day, Watson told “Cool Man Luke” about these three brothers out in Chino Hills. He thinks that they are the next Jackson Five, but there’s only three of them, so they might just be Hanson or the Bee-Gees minus Andy, who went solo that one time.
People thought that Watson was crazy for giving the brothers’ father $495 for the oldest son’s mix tape, but that’s what he felt the market dictated. After consulting with “Cool Man Luke”, they believe that the oldest brother has a weird, but effective shot to make it as a musician.
The middle brother isn’t good, but the littlest one could be something special. However, they are apprehensive about the father’s involvement in the boys’ careers. Then again, the mix tape is just that good. Watson and “Cool Man Luke” are dead set on signing the oldest brother in June.
Next: The 20 different emotions of Gregg Popovich
If this baller from Chino Hills can collaborate with the guy that dropped 70 on Boston, Watson believes that 287 Records will really be going places. It only took 16 episodes of Empire to convince Watson that’s he the Phoenician Barry Gordy, but there ain’t no valley low enough than the one with the sun in it to keep Watson from getting his records to you, babe.