Ice-Cold Takes: Brent Burns buys a zoo, Dubas is a millennial, Hurricanes have grit

Ice cold takes is a weekly humor column covering what is trending around the NHL. The official column of the “Brad Marchand for 2018-19 Hart Trophy” movement.

That’s right. Let this week’s column serve as the official launch of the “Brad Marchand for 2018-19 Hart Trophy” campaign. Over the next 10 months or so until the 2018-19 NHL awards (someone check my math), we will be opening the column with one reason that Brad Marchand should win the Hart Trophy at the end of this season.

Reason No. 1: He works after hours on the zamboni. By the end of this season, you’ll all agree with me and our boy Brad will win the Hart Trophy and probably thank us personally in his acceptance speech.

Now that we’ve lost half of the readers, let’s get into this week’s trending topics.

Trending Up

1. Brent Burns

Remember that Matt Damon bomb called We Bought a Zoo? Me neither. No one remembers it because no one outside of Matt Damon’s family, those involved in the film and Brent Burns have seen it.

Why Brent Burns, you ask? Because Burns also recently bought a zoo (kind of).

While there is no shortage of interesting things we can talk about when it comes to Burns, this is definitely at the top of the list. Burns didn’t turn his ranch into a zoo for fun, either. He’s doing this with the best of intentions.

Some of the animals on Burns’ ranch are known as “super exotics,” meaning they are becoming less and less common in the wilderness. Burns is breeding these animals as a way to build the population. We know they are monitoring them so it’s safe to assume they are also feeding the data to those who need it. Great work all around, Brent!

2. Blake Wheeler

Nothing feels better than coming off of a long weekend and signing a $41.25 million contract. While 99.99 percent of us have no idea what that feels like, Blake Wheeler does.

Here’s a picture of Blake later this week:

Whoops. Wrong guy. Wheeler signed a 5-year $41.25 million dollar extension with the Winnipeg Jets on Tuesday, making him officially the happiest person to ever have to call Winnipeg home.

The Jets are set up for a Stanley Cup in the near future. Wheeler is 32 years old, coming off of his best season, Mark Scheifele and Patrik Laine are only getting better and 2017-18 Vezina runner-up Connor Hellebuyck is pretty good at keeping pucks out of the net.

We’d give the Cup to the Jets right now, if not for this next team.

3. The Carolina f***ing Hurricanes 

Choosing a Stanley Cup champion in September is usually a pretty stupid move, but when you see how the ‘Canes are preparing for the upcoming season, it’s hard not to hand them the Cup right now.

Grit. Grind. Grit. Grind. Who knows what will actually go on at these practices. What we do know, is that hockey is all about having grit and grinding.

Who needs trivial things like skill, scoring, etc when you have the intangibles locked down so early in the year? Congratulations to your 2018-19 Stanley Cup champion Carolina Hurricanes.

Trending Down

1. NHL Hall of Fame/Philip Pritchard 

On behalf of the NHL Hall of Fame, “The Keeper of the Cup” a.k.a. Philip Pritchard has asked that after this season, the now immensely popular “Cup stand” be outlawed during Stanley Cup celebrations. Really, Phil? Of all the insane places that Cup has been and all the crazy things the Cup has done, it’s Cup stands that you’re going to rule out?

In an interview with the Washington Post, Pritchard had this to say: “We’re trying to preserve the history of the Stanley Cup. We don’t want any unnecessary damage to it or a person, in case they drop the person or he presses too hard or something.”

Have you even seen any of these Cup stands? No one is even putting their hands on the thing. Plus, the Cup is made of silver and nickel alloy, not aluminum. It’s also been dented and repaired a number of times. It’s not like the NHL pays for that.

If someone is dropped onto the Cup, it’s their face that will need repair, not the giant piece of metal they are being held over. If I win the Stanley Cup next year, I’m doing a Cup stand immediately. Take that, NHL.

2. Kyle Dubas

In an interview with Bob McKenzie, Leafs GM Kyle Dubas stated that the Toronto Maple Leafs would go into the season without a captain.

Typical millennial. Can’t make up their minds about anything. The Leafs had a captain in Auston Matthews until John Tavares joined the team. The two of them know that it’s between them and maybe Dubas is going to feel out the room a little while before choosing.

Here’s another option. Name a third party captain and give both Matthews and Tavares the “A.” Is anyone going to be upset if Leafs forward/father Patrick Marleau is named the captain? Probably not.

It’s a letter on a jersey. The locker room leader is going to be the locker room leader regardless of if he gets the “C” or not. Just pick one, kiddo.

3. These Seattle “Sockeyes” concept jersey

First, it’s the Seattle Kraken. Second, green, yellow and red are always going to be a bad combination. Third, well, just have a look at these jerseys.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BmviUxGh8cT/

Okay the second one is kind of cool looking. Whatever. By the time this team enters the NHL, they’ll have taken enough heat for the initial concepts that they’ll come out with something cool. Seriously, though, it has to be the Kraken.

If you’ve made it this far in the column I’m impressed. Football starts on Thursday evening and it’s taking me everything right now to stop tinkering with my fantasy lineups and finish writing about the most boring time in the NHL calendar year.

Speaking of football, here’s something to leave you with. If you live under a rock, perhaps you haven’t heard of or seen any of the drama surrounding Colin Kaepernick and protests last season or subsequently, the announcement this week that Nike has made him their official spokesperson for their 30th anniversary “Just Do It” campaign. Great move by Nike.

Today, they released a video that has me ready to run through a brick wall, tackle a moving vehicle, fight both Dustin Byfuglien and Ryan Reaves at the same time. Whatever other metaphor that you can come up with in regards to being extremely fired up. Watch this then go do great things.

If you don’t like that video, go ahead and burn this column in protest.

Until next week, keep your head up.