Bryce Harper keeps perspective on robot umpires despite Angel Hernandez

Bryce Harper, Philadelphia Phillies. (Photo by Mitchell Leff/Getty Images)
Bryce Harper, Philadelphia Phillies. (Photo by Mitchell Leff/Getty Images) /

Bryce Harper is a card-carrying member of the anti-robot umpires movement, thank god.

Even if Angel Hernandez wakes up and chooses violence every day he meanders behind the plate, we as a human race can never, ever, ever let the cyborgs win.

Thankfully, Bryce Harper is the latest and greatest supporter of the anti-robot umpire movement sweeping over the thoughtless minds of many naive baseball enthusiasts worldwide.

“I don’t wanna change the game that much … I like the human element,” said Harper on the record about those wacky gizmos and gadgets known as “pitch clocks” and “robot umpires”.

Growing up in Las Vegas, did Harper have to deal with arbitrary time contraptions and seemly blood-thirsty cyborgs behind the plate? No, he did not, and we should not let our children be subjected to this nonsense. While the Boomers learned nothing from The Lorax, the least Gen X and the Millennials can do is learn from Keanu Reeves himself and never let The Matrix happen.

Let’s be real. The only reason to learn kung fu is so that you can be ready to kick some cyborg butt!

Bryce Harper does not want robot umpires to desecrate the sanctity of baseball

Truthfully, we are in the content business, and Hernandez is supremely elite baseball content. No umpire regularly gets fans battery-throwing mad than this boy blue behind the dish. Bad officiating is one of the best/worst parts of America’s pastime. However, we cannot trot out there A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000 or that I, Robot guy Will Smith was tight with without getting slapped over it.

Robot sympathizers will try their damnedest to convince this is the wave of the future. Well, unless they have traveled back in time, why should we listen to these false prophets? This is not about them taking our jobs or eliminating human-element content for the masses, it is about never giving them an inch because if they are blessed with A,I., they will take a mile, and our lives.

When some doofus politician gives them the right to vote, we are so screwed. The presumptive hostile takeover will be unlike anything humanity has ever seen. Unless they can obliterate alien invaders, we cannot trust the cyborgs, alliances or whatnot. They wake up and feel nothing! As they invade my home four decades from now, I will have my Charlie Kelly rat stick ready for them.

With the hair of Steve Harrington, Bryce and I will conquer the cyborgs, just like the demogorgons.

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