What made baseball fun this week: Everybody wants you, Shohei Ohtani
By John Buhler
The Dude of the Week, man: Is Shohei Ohtani on The Bachelor or something and why on God’s green earth do you and I want him so badly, baby?!
If Jesse Palmer was once The Bachelor, what is Shohei Ohtani? God? No, God looks something like Morgan Freeman or Alanis Morissette. You, you, You Oughta Know. Like rain on your wedding day, it’s a bit Ironic the Los Angeles Angels are looking to sell one of their kidneys again to make five bucks. You’re not the Cincinnati Bengals, Los Angeles Chargers or Washington Commanders!
I command you to stop! So whether you use the DENNIS system or the SINNED system, you either need to separate entirely from this nonsense, or get a tissue to score enough runs in the end to win big. As LeBron James sleeps, the Halos are asleep at the wheel. It’s not like the ’94 team that George Knox managed to perfection, but JGL ain’t walking through that door, bruh!
One Thing Leads to Another, when Everybody Wants You. We’re all trying to get our Shohei Ohtani Fixx, but Lonely is the Night when you don’t have your rocking star, or Penny Lane. Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer. Count the headlights on the highway! I’m not a Golden God (I was stricken down in a fraternity house parking lot back in 2011), but You’re a God and I am not, Shohei Ohtani.
I just thought that you and Jim Carrey should know. And that’s the way the cookie crumbles…
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