Weird stuff happens at the MTV Movie Awards. Weird stuff is supposed to happen at the MTV Movie Awards (as long as no one lets a nipple out and the bad words get bleeped). But this year something weird happened that wasn’t supposed to happen. This year Aubrey Plaza happened. And for one brief moment the faux-anarchic MTV Movie Awards became genuinely maybe anarchic or possibly just more irritating than usual.
It began innocently enough. Will Ferrell took the stage to accept his lifetime achievement award (it has a special name but I don’t remember it). Everyone was like, “Hey it’s Will Ferrell. That’s cool that he got a lifetime award from the MTV Movie Awards. He has been funny for a long time and people like him. And he will never win an Oscar so I hope he is enjoying this. Dang I love that Ricky Bobby. What a hilarious movie. And Anchorman. Not so much the basketball one. Come to think of it, has he done anything else lately? It’s like he vanished.”
But then madness descended. In the form of Aubrey Plaza. You know, that chick from Parks and Rec (or Parks and Recreation as it’s known among people who don’t shorten words to be cool). The weird hot one who wears too much eye make-up because she’s damaged or maybe just self-conscious? She crashed the stage in the middle of Ferrell’s speech. Right in front of Peter Dinklage!!! And everyone was like, “Hold on a second, is that Aubrey Plaza? That’s her name right? Aubrey Plaza. Yeah. What is she doing up there? What is that written above her boobs?” (Cause she had some words scrawled across her chest in Sharpie or possibly blood.) “Is this a bit? Did they plan this? Oh my God she’s trying to steal Will Ferrell’s award. I don’t think this is a bit. Holy crap she is totally drunk right now. I don’t know whether to be disturbed or turned on. Yes you’re right. I am totally turned on.”
No it was not a bit. Aubrey Plaza was not supposed to crash Will Ferrell’s speech. Aubrey Plaza did that all on her own without telling Will Ferrell or anyone else except maybe some people she texted right before. Why? Because she had a few too many of whatever it is she drinks to loosen up. And I guess because she wanted to promote her movie and thought this would be better than going on Leno. So she wrote the name of her movie above her boobs and crashed the stage. She Soy Bombed Will Ferrell. In the name of anarchy. And selling her movie. And then MTV did the most MTV thing in the world. They threw her out of the theater. Because MTV forgot what we built this city on (hint: not Snooki).
This was not the first time Aubrey Plaza did something weird while possibly (probably) under the influence of alcohol. If you follow her Twitter – and if you don’t you might as well kill yourself – you’ve seen plenty of weird. Like her obsession with Chris Bosh and her belief that she is Chris Bosh’s mother. The world still doesn’t understand the full meaning of this tweet:
BOSHH I KNOW YOU DID ITTTT#chrisbosh
— Aubrey Plaza (@evilhag) April 1, 2013
And I suspect the world never will understand. For who can comprehend the mind of Aubrey Plaza? Perhaps she is like the Joker. She wants to watch the world burn (while having “incestuous” sex with Chris Bosh; but that part isn’t like the Joker unless I totally misread The Dark Knight). Or maybe she is just like most of the other people on Twitter. Really bored and possibly smashed or suffering from low blood sugar or a combination of both.
This is the question we now must ask ourselves (because we are not Socrates; we are stupid and ask stupid questions). What is this Aubrey Plaza really all about? Is she merely another out-of-control drunk person – Amanda Bynes with sort of a brain and a charcoal-eyed sultry Mediterranean thing going on – or is there more happening with this chick? Is Plaza in fact a true show biz anarchist? James Franco with Emo face? A bringer of chaos? Kanye West re-imagined as a daffy white girl who needs to lay off the Cristal?
Let’s dig a little deeper and try to understand. Who is Aubrey Plaza and where does she come from? According to IMDb she is from Delaware. The state that gave us Joe Biden and Joe Flacco and many other people named Joe. She has starred in a handful of movies including the quirky indie comedy Safety Not Guaranteed (which is really funny and cool, you should totally Netflix that). She plays the broodingly weird and unflappable April on the great NBC sitcom Parks and Rec. Is “unflappable” even the right word? Nothing fazes her. I would call her “unfazeable” but I’m not sure that’s a word. How best to describe the enigmatic April? She just kind of stands there a lot and the only person she seems to like is that dopey guy Andy who I guess she ends up marrying (truth: I’m still on season 2)? And she is too cool for the room. Which probably means that deep down inside she is shy and afraid. But the most important thing? She is hot.
(Inscrutable. That’s the word. She’s inscrutable like an Asian guy in a racist old movie.)
But what can we really learn from delving into Plaza’s background? Are we any closer to solving the mystery? Perhaps a better question would be, “Huh? I mean seriously. Show biz anarchist? There is no such thing. If you’re show biz you can’t be an anarchist. You can only be James Franco. He was funny for a minute with his performance art anti-star thing but now he’s become a total up-his-own-butt boring asshat who just makes everyone roll their eyes. Enough with him. That amputee movie was good but the rest of it is bullcrap. What he did to Anne Hathaway at the Oscars was arrestable.”
In truth it is not a fair comparison. Aubrey Plaza is nothing like James Franco. Plaza is female and SMOKING HOT so when she does crazy (but nonetheless somewhat calculated) stuff it is insanely awesomely great. When she interrupts Will Ferrell on-stage it is not the least bit obnoxious or self-serving or Franco-esque. And don’t listen to your mother. Drunk girls aren’t desperate or secretly sad and full of daddy issues. They are great. If they are hot like Aubrey Plaza.
Oh wait, I forgot to mention the weirdest thing about Aubrey Plaza. She has a painting in her dining room of herself in the nude. She told Conan about it and there is a picture of it online. I would post it here but it’s a nude picture and frankly it’s kind of weird and gross. It’s not at all how I imagine Aubrey Plaza. If that’s what she really looks like naked then this whole thing is pretty much ruined. But I’m fairly certain that artist was just being artistic by making her kind of gross. Anyway that’s not the point. The point is, Aubrey Plaza has this thing hanging in her dining room where she eats. And her mom has seen it. Her mom has eaten in the same room with the painting. Her mom was eating spaghetti or whatever and the ass was there. Her own daughter’s ass. Right there.
I know what you’re thinking. “That’s one of those things that sounds like a good idea for a minute but you soon realize it’s stupid and put the painting away in a closet or trade it for drugs or just burn it.” But that’s not how Aubrey Plaza thinks. Her brain works on a different level than yours. She is drunk and cool and famous and a chick so she knows things. She knows why it’s awesome to hang a nude painting of herself in the same room where she eats broccoli with cheese sauce. She knows why Chris Bosh is sexy. She knows why it’s cool to interrupt Will Ferrell at the MTV Movie Awards. Why is it cool? You’ll have to ask her. Like I said, I don’t have the answers. My brain doesn’t work like hers. I am like you. A mere spectator. I am just enjoying the show like all the rest of the non-Plaza mortals who have normal pictures in their dining room or no pictures or no dining room because they live in a scummy two-room apartment and take their meals sitting at the same desk where they write their blog posts that no one will read. Leaving their desk covered in crumbs and little bits of crusty stuff they are always picking at with their chewed-down fingernails.
You are normal, Aubrey Plaza is not. That’s all you need to know. Oh and the name of her new movie. What was that again? I gotta look that up.