Five Reasons Iron Man is Cooler Than Batman

3. Iron Man is familiar with the concept of humor.

Want to amuse yourself? Imagine Batman at open mic night at your local comedy club. How much flop sweat can the Batsuit absorb? How long before Batman snaps and beats the crap out of a heckler? You thought Louis C.K. was hard on unruly comedy club patrons. You haven’t learned the meaning of “bent out of shape” until you’ve watched Batman pummel a drunken jerk to a bloody pulp in front of his horrified girlfriend. Think it’s safe to say, if there were a prize for the least-funny fugger on the face of the earth, Batman would win. Maybe Michael Richards. It would be close.

Now imagine Tony Stark at open mic night. How much would he kill? He could do fifteen minutes on Iron Man suit crotch-chafing alone. Another fifteen minutes on how long it takes Pepper to get herself ready when they’re going out. Women. Am I right guys? Safe to say Tony Stark is the most amusing of all superhero alter egos. The rest of them are all pretty much stiffs. They would all suck at open mic night. Except maybe Clark Kent. He could stand there stammering and playing with his glasses all night. It would be meta humor like Andy Kaufman. People would hail him as a genius.

4. Iron Man sleeps with the help.

Maybe I shouldn’t jump to conclusions here. Maybe Batman has jumped in the sack with Alfred. Once back in the day when Alfred was a little more spry, maybe there was too much wine drunk and things got a little crazy. Maybe Batman was particularly sore after one of his crime-fighting excursions and Alfred started giving him a massage and things took a little bit of a weird turn. By the way there would be nothing wrong with that if it did happen. I am not one of those people. Batman and Alfred are both consenting adults. What they do in the Batcave after hours when they have been drinking and are tired of Yahtzee and Alfred whips out his Bee Gees albums is none of my business.

Why would that necessarily make Batman cooler anyway? Alfred is the help. Wouldn’t Batman really be less cool for taking advantage of someone in a subordinate position? Wouldn’t that be sexual harassment? What the hell am I talking about??? Alfred and Batman have never done it. But Iron Man and Pepper Potts? Insane bed-breaking superhero-on-sort-of-hot-chick action. What noises do you think Pepper makes when Iron Man is really taking her over that magic rainbow? Do you think they’ve ever stuffed themselves inside the suit together and done it while flying over the Pacific shooting rockets at passing jetliners? I know Batman and Alfred have never done it inside the Batmobile. Alfred would never go for that. He is altogether too sensible. He would be worried about the leather. Iron Man and Pepper are just filthy freak-nasty hos, like Kanye and Kim K. I bet they don’t even shower afterwards. They just go outside smelling like sex and wet fur.

5. Iron Man isn’t pretentious

Batman is US, people. He’s the wounded child lashing out against an unjust world. He alone has the power to imagine what the world could be and bring that world painfully into being. But he has to HIDE behind a MASK. Because the world isn’t ready for him. The world can’t handle his righteous wrath. The criminals and the politicians and the cops…they are all in it together. Only Batman stands alone against the corruption. And sometimes Batman must play the villain IN ORDER TO SAVE US ALL. Or maybe he is just tired and wants to spend eight years holed up in his mansion practicing archery for the Olympics. No HE DID IT FOR US. It was THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE. He let his girlfriend die FOR US. Just like Jesus (no I never read the Bible).

And what about Iron Man. What does he symbolize? What is the truth behind his mask?

Eh…who cares? He just likes blowing stuff up and beating on bad guys and banging chicks. He is all about being awesome. And fighting terrorists who want to harm the American way. Because the American way is righteous and the terrorist way is all effed up. Iron Man, he is not us – because he is too awesome to be us – but he is all our bro. And if you’re a chick he will totally do you as long as you are not a fatty or clingy.

In conclusion, Iron Man > Batman. That’s worth a college credit right there.