Faster than a speeding fixie! More powerful than an Arcade Fire LP! Able to leap consumerism in a single bound! Look, up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a… hipster in a speedo?
You read that right, folks. The son of Jor-El might have the power to bend steel in his bare hands, but that’s because he’s fashioning his own tools to use in his community’s rooftop garden.
I’m not sure how we all missed this for so long. It’s probably because Supes is such a good guy. He’s always looking out for his friends, family and humanity as a whole. He doesn’t seem pretentious. But the truth has always been staring at us with steely eyes, through oversized horn-rimmed glasses. Superman’s a hipster, plain and simple, and here’s why:
The Clark Kent Look – The glasses, the hair, the fitted suit, the hat, need I say more? The guy even carries around a vintage briefcase. I’m pretty sure I saw that exact one on sale at Urban Outfitters for $899 dollars.
The Name – Because having two first names is totally retro.
He’s a Newspaper Reporter – There’s no job more hipster than reporter. And even though the whole newspaper industry is dying, Clark just wants to expose the corrupt nature of capitalism, big business and corporate greed. That is before The Daily Planet goes bankrupt on account of online media, at which point he’ll be able to purchase his vintage skinny tights with his unemployment benefits.
He Lives in New York – But don’t get it twisted, he calls it Metropolis. Calling it New York is for all those fat cats on Wall Street. Yeah, he lives in midtown, but in a reasonably priced apartment that was given to him. And there’s nothing more hipster than having your rent paid for you. Also, Metropolis has its very own “Little Bohemia.” This is where Clark and Lois go on Friday nights to take in some slam poetry and sip on scotch that they can’t afford and pretend to enjoy.
Daddy Issues – Superman was abandoned by his father and adopted by a loving couple in rural Kansas who taught him how to become a moral and honest man. So, what’s the most hipster thing you can do in that situation? Leave them all behind of course. Clark jetted to the big city to go “find himself” the first chance he got. I bet he’s always complaining about his rough childhood and every time his parents come to visit he screams out “You’re not my real dad Jonathan!”
The Phone Booth – Seriously, who hangs out in phone booths anymore? I bet he also still uses a typewriter and “doesn’t even own a television, man.”
The S On His Chest – Yes, the S most likely stands for Superman, but it’s caked in irony. It also stands for sellout, which all of you are! And speaking of “sellout” – you can now purchase exact replicas of Superman’s one-of a kind tights at your local American Apparel for $249 dollars (also on sale).
Fortress of Solitude – Even Superman needs a place to be alone with his thoughts, crack open a cold microbrew and listen to some vinyl. Neutral Milk Hotel and Mumford and Sons are his bands of choice. The old stuff of course, you know, before they sold out.
Kryptonite – What are the chances that a gorgeous green rock from Superman’s home planet would be his only weakness? Isn’t it ironic, don’t ya think.
Speaking of Kryptonite lets all take a moment to pray to the heavens that all of this Superman hype doesn’t bring Three Doors Down back to relevance.