Man of Steel: Superman is a Hipster


Zach Posner is a writer for FanSided partner BroJackson.com. For more great content, head on over to Bro Jackson and check out Zach’s work.

Faster than a speeding fixie! More powerful than an Arcade Fire LP! Able to leap consumerism in a single bound! Look, up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a… hipster in a speedo?

You read that right, folks.  The son of Jor-El might have the power to bend steel in his bare hands, but that’s because he’s fashioning his own tools to use in his community’s rooftop garden.

I’m not sure how we all missed this for so long.  It’s probably because Supes is such a good guy. He’s always looking out for his friends, family and humanity as a whole. He doesn’t seem pretentious. But the truth has always been staring at us with steely eyes, through oversized horn-rimmed glasses. Superman’s a hipster, plain and simple, and here’s why:

The Clark Kent Look – The glasses, the hair, the fitted suit, the hat, need I say more? The guy even carries around a vintage briefcase. I’m pretty sure I saw that exact one on sale at Urban Outfitters for $899 dollars.

The Name – Because having two first names is totally retro.

He’s a Newspaper Reporter – There’s no job more hipster than reporter. And even though the whole newspaper industry is dying, Clark just wants to expose the corrupt nature of capitalism, big business and corporate greed. That is before The Daily Planet goes bankrupt on account of online media, at which point he’ll be able to purchase his vintage skinny tights with his unemployment benefits.

He Lives in New York – But don’t get it twisted, he calls it Metropolis. Calling it New York is for all those fat cats on Wall Street. Yeah, he lives in midtown, but in a reasonably priced apartment that was given to him. And there’s nothing more hipster than having your rent paid for you. Also, Metropolis has its very own “Little Bohemia.” This is where Clark and Lois go on Friday nights to take in some slam poetry and sip on scotch that they can’t afford and pretend to enjoy.

Daddy Issues – Superman was abandoned by his father and adopted by a loving couple in rural Kansas who taught him how to become a moral and honest man. So, what’s the most hipster thing you can do in that situation? Leave them all behind of course. Clark jetted to the big city to go “find himself” the first chance he got. I bet he’s always complaining about his rough childhood and every time his parents come to visit he screams out “You’re not my real dad Jonathan!”

The Phone Booth – Seriously, who hangs out in phone booths anymore?  I bet he also still uses a typewriter and “doesn’t even own a television, man.”

The S On His Chest – Yes, the S most likely stands for Superman, but it’s caked in irony. It also stands for sellout, which all of you are! And speaking of “sellout” – you can now purchase exact replicas of Superman’s one-of a kind tights at your local American Apparel for $249 dollars (also on sale).

Fortress of Solitude – Even Superman needs a place to be alone with his thoughts, crack open a cold microbrew and listen to some vinyl. Neutral Milk Hotel and Mumford and Sons are his bands of choice. The old stuff of course, you know, before they sold out.

Kryptonite – What are the chances that a gorgeous green rock from Superman’s home planet would be his only weakness? Isn’t it ironic, don’t ya think.

Speaking of Kryptonite lets all take a moment to pray to the heavens that all of this Superman hype doesn’t bring Three Doors Down back to relevance.

IF I GO CRAZY THEN WILL YOU STILL CALL ME SUPERMAN!

Tags: Man Of Steel Movies Superman

  • http://www.arrowheadaddict.com Patrick Allen

    This is amazing. I bet Superman moved out of Williamsburg because it “sold out.”

    • Zach By The Pound

      Thanks Patrick Allen, you also have two first names, that’s SO HIPSTER OF YOU!

  • nicholaswright2006

    Sorry, I disagree. Superman is NOT a hipster, and this article is completely ridiculous. Let’s go over your points one by one:

    The Clark Kent Look – The glasses, the hair, the fitted suit, the
    hat, need I say more? The guy even carries around a vintage briefcase.
    I’m pretty sure I saw that exact one on sale at Urban Outfitters for
    $899 dollars.

    This
    was not a cool or “intentionally uncool to be cool” look. This was the
    legitimate dork look back in the day, and while it was intentional, it
    was not done to be ironically cool to his ironically cool friends.

    The Name – Because having two first names is totally retro.

    Jesus. Again, Superman IS retro. Clark Kent was a normal name back in the day when Superman was created.

    He’s a Newspaper Reporter – There’s no job more hipster than
    reporter. And even though the whole newspaper industry is dying, Clark
    just wants to expose the corrupt nature of capitalism, big business and
    corporate greed. That is before The Daily Planet goes bankrupt on
    account of online media, at which point he’ll be able to purchase his
    vintage skinny tights with his unemployment benefits.

    Just…what? No. Sure, the whole Newspaper/printed media might be
    going the way of the stone tablet, but that doesn’t mean Superman/Clark
    Kent is staying in it because it’s cool to be uncool. One of these days
    he might have to be an online reporter or something, but newspaper is
    still relevant enough today not to force the change that was, again,
    implemented decades ago.

    He Lives in New York – But don’t get it twisted, he calls it
    Metropolis. Calling it New York is for all those fat cats on Wall
    Street. Yeah, he lives in midtown, but in a reasonably priced apartment
    that was given to him. And there’s nothing more hipster than having your
    rent paid for you. Also, Metropolis has its very own “Little Bohemia.”
    This is where Clark and Lois go on Friday nights to take in some slam
    poetry and sip on scotch that they can’t afford and pretend to enjoy.

    He’s in New York/Metropolis because that’s where “socity” is. He’s being the opposite
    of hipster here–going to where the popular place is. And what’s this
    about his apartment being paid for him? Maybe I missed something, but
    I’m almost positive that Superman would pay for his own rent by using
    the, I dunno, job he has, something hipsters avoid like the plague.

    Daddy Issues – Superman was abandoned by his father and adopted by a
    loving couple in rural Kansas who taught him how to become a moral and
    honest man. So, what’s the most hipster thing you can do in that
    situation? Leave them all behind of course. Clark jetted to the big city
    to go “find himself” the first chance he got. I bet he’s always
    complaining about his rough childhood and every time his parents come to
    visit he screams out “You’re not my real dad Jonathan!”

    GET. OUT. This is NOTHING like Superman, and Jor-El’s father did NOT
    abandon him, are you insane?? You utter…UGH. God! What kind of idiocy
    is this?

    The Phone Booth – Seriously, who hangs out in phone booths anymore? I
    bet he also still uses a typewriter and “doesn’t even own a television,
    man.”

    Again, in Superman’s time, the phone booth was standard and
    popular. I’m pretty sure they’re not going to be using it in this movie,
    or at the very least, lampshade it so that they don’t, since no one
    uses them anymore–unlike newspapers, which are still in circulation.

    The S On His Chest – Yes, the S most likely stands for Superman, but
    it’s caked in irony. It also stands for sellout, which all of you are!
    And speaking of “sellout” – you can now purchase exact replicas of
    Superman’s one-of a kind tights at your local American Apparel for $249
    dollars (also on sale).

    WHAT THE FUCK

    Fortress of Solitude – Even Superman needs a place to be alone with
    his thoughts, crack open a cold microbrew and listen to some vinyl.
    Neutral Milk Hotel and Mumford and Sons are his bands of choice. The old
    stuff of course, you know, before they sold out.

    Needing alone time is hipster now? I guess all of us are hipsters then.

    Kryptonite – What are the chances that a gorgeous green rock from
    Superman’s home planet would be his only weakness? Isn’t it ironic,
    don’t ya think.

    I actually have no idea what the connection is here. Green rocks are hipster?

    Speaking of Kryptonite lets all take a moment to pray to the heavens
    that all of this Superman hype doesn’t bring Three Doors Down back to
    relevance.

    Screw you, that’s a good-sounding song that reminds me of my younger days. DEAL WITH IT[1]

    tl;dr Stop trying to make Superman a degenerate who cares about trying to be “(un)cool”. God DAMN.

    • Zach P

      You’re right Nicky, you caught me. I fudged the whole thing. And the sad part is that I thought I could get away with it. The world is better a place with you as its watchdog. I will contact the authorities immediately and get this piece more thoroughly fact checked. Thanks for reading. Onward and Upward!

      • nicholaswright2006

        If this is a satire piece, then I apologize for being “that guy”. I just learned about this site today, where it was linked to on a different site.

        • Zach P

          No problem, I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. I am not much of a comic fan, so I assumed I would ruffle the feathers of some Superman diehards. Different strokes for different folks. What site were you linked from?

          • nicholaswright2006

            Haha well you definitely succeeded in doing that. I was linked through from reddit’s Superman board.