Hardwood Paroxysm presents Playoff Super-Overreactionizer 4/28/14
Grizzlies vs. Thunder: Kevin Durant and the Almost Champions Club
by Ian Levy (@HickoryHigh)
The stairs were wide and widening, Italian marble polished to a high sheen. The torch-lit alcoves sent the light back towards the marble creating a cavalcade of dancing shadows on the vaulted ceiling.
As he slowly made his way down, Kevin Durant squinted again at the cocktail napkin and the handwritten message:
We saw Game 4. It is time. 1037 Parquet Terrace. 10:30 PM. Come Alone.
— The Almost Champions
At the bottom of the stairs a heavy wooden door seemed to hold the darkness pushing back against the light. The wood was adorned with disturbingly intricate carvings, an elaborate and convoluted scene of what looked like demons torturing and devouring a series of unusually tall men. Durant leaned closer, examining one of these poor souls on the receiving end of speakable atrocities. It may have been Robert Horry, but he couldn’t be sure. These were not the kind of images that inspired a confident entrance but Durant was nothing if not brave. He pulled the heavy brass rings, pulling the doors open and stepped through.
He found an octagonal room, lit just like the antechamber by a series of recessed alcoves each with a single torch. A robed man stood in each corner of the room. They were absolutely still, hooded, with their faces turned towards the ground. In the center of the room was a slim white pillar. Atop the pillar was purple velvet cushion and in the center of that cushion was what appeared to be a ring.
“Enter and claim what is yours,” boomed a deep voice, rich with the linguistic aesthetics of Georgia.
Durant stepped forward to examine the ring. It was was large extravagantly swollen with diamonds and rubies, and sized for fingers much larger and longer than those of the average human. Etched through the white-gold center were the words “Almost Champion.”
Realization hit Durant like a brick, he spun around in horror to watch the eight men pull back their hoods and reveal their faces.
John Stockton. Walt Bellamy. Patrick Ewing. Elgin Baylor. Steve Nash. Chris Webber. Karl Malone. Charles Barkley.
The scream surprised him, welling up from a deep place he didn’t know had been inside him
“NOOOOOOOOOOO, THERE’S STILL TIME!”
Durant spun in a circle locking eyes with each man. Seven times they looked away, finding hands, pockets, walls, floor or ceiling. Only Barkley held his gaze. As Durant fell to his knees, pleading and begging, a single tear rolled down Charles’ face.
Warriors vs. Clippers: The Lord Works in Mysterious Ways
by Curtis Harris (@ProHoopsHistory)
Donald Sterling has had a slumlord mentality for decades, so why all the fuss right now over his racism, misogyny, and general odiousness? Because his forsaken Clippers are taking on the anointed team of the Almighty… the Golden State Warriors. The Great Spirit in the sky has decided now is the time to dismantle Sterling’s wretched grasp on the Clippers by using the the righteous Warriors of Mark Jackson.
The dearly departed souls of Danny Manning, Terry Cummings, Ron Harper, Michael Olowokandi and other victims of Sterling’s treachery lay in the sanctified graveyard of basketball history, but Blake Griffin and Chris Paul will achieve salvation with the purge of Sterling from their midst.
With every Draymond Green defensive stop, with every ill-advised Jermaine O’neal post up, with every Steph Curry three, the Warriors are doing the Lord Almighty’s work by chiseling away at Sterling’s false idol. That wicked idol, the Almighty Dollar, wrings its monetary bread from the sweat of objectified humanity. Peace cometh, though, in the glory of the Lord and leaked phone conversations. No more, brothers and sisters, will Sterling’s false religion sully the temple of basketball.
Celebrate! the impending liberation of Jared Dudley with each David Lee free throw.
Rejoice! the ever-nearer deliverance of Jamal Crawford with each Marreese Speights flop.
Exalt! the imminent redemption of DeAndre Jordan with each Festus Ezeli… wait he does nothing.
EXALT! nonetheless. Donald Sterling has left the building and soon, with the help of the sanctified Warriors, he will leave the NBA.
Blazers vs. Rockets: Troy’s Team
by Sean Highkin (@highkin)
In 2012, Jeremy Lin captivated the NBA out of nowhere. “Linsanity” swept the nation and eventually earned the former D-Leaguer a handsome contract with the Houston Rockets. Now, it’s one of Lin’s teammates who is causing the same out-of-left-field mania.
If his winning three-pointer in Game 3 set the tone, Troy Daniels’ 17 points on Sunday cemented the new reality for the Rockets. There’s a new face of the franchise. It’s not Lin. It’s not James Harden. It’s not Dwight Howard. It’s not the relentless Patrick Beverley.
The Houston Rockets are now Troy Daniels’ team. The question is no longer whether he can find his looks from the leftovers of Harden’s and Howard’s touches. Those players now have to fit in around him.
Not only is Daniels never going back to the D-League, he’s never going to fall out of the rotation in Houston. He’s been in the NBA for 13 days, and now he’s going to have a productive, 13-year NBA career.
The Rockets lost Game 4 in Portland, and now trail the Blazers 3-1 in the series. But while they lost the game, they have found a new centerpiece.
The Troy Daniels era is upon us.