Hardwood Paroxysm Super-Overreacts to the NBA Finals, Free Agency, and Derek Fisher

Boris Diaw Is Christian Bale

by Andrew Lynch (@AndrewLynch)

Boris Diaw is the hero the NBA needs.

Belittled for his body and made the target of countless jokes because of his weight, Diaw takes it all in stride. Because no one knows the truth that Boris knows. No one knows that this is all part of the larger plan.

After Game 1 of the NBA Finals, San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich sang words of praise in Diaw’s general direction. He pointed out that Diaw’s particular combination of girth and skill allowed the Spurs to simultaneously big and small, with no real distinction between the two.

And none of this is by accident. You see, Boris knew that this was his calling. His time spent in Phoenix was wonderful, and Lithe Boris played his role to the greatest of his abilities. In 2006, when Amar’e Stoudemire was sidelined for almost the entire season, Diaw stepped up and became the second most important player on the Phoenix Suns.

There was a downside to Boris’ time in the Valley, though. While Phoenix’s offense often ran through him, by way of Steve Nash, opposing offense ran right around him. Diaw was far from the poorest of defenders, but between systemic failings and a frame unfit to guard larger post players, he was set up to fail.

Diaw’s weight gain has largely been cast as a symptom of his time in Charlotte. Isolated from the warmth of winning and the Suns’ training staff, Boris receded into himself and ballooned. Told thus, it’s a cautionary tale — Without the proper self-discipline, a player sent to basketball Siberia will quickly descend into caloric madness.

The truth, however, is that Diaw was preparing for bigger things. He became the NBA’s Christian Bale. Not in the sense that he’d one day be the Batman (after all, that’s clearly Manu Ginobili); instead, think The Machinist.

Stories of actors going through gross physical transformations for various roles are a rote part of Hollywood lore at this point. But few, if any, such metamorphoses approach the lengths to which Bale went for The Machinist. Though you might be unfamiliar with the film, you know the image — an emaciated Bale, thin as a broomhandle, with some sort of weird duck-face expression emanating from his sunken visage. It’s riveting and creepy, macabre and unreal.

And above all else, it’s effective. A complete and total body overhaul of that magnitude, no matter how entirely unhealthy and unwise, gets the results one seeks.

For Bale, it meant convincingly playing a character for whom reality becomes a fleeting chase. For Boris, it means being able to defend the greatest basketball player in this or any other universe, Mr. LeBron James. Without his transformation, Diaw would never have been prepared for this and last year’s NBA Finals. Though in a stronger defensive system than he was in Phoenix, sans the added weight, Boris would be entirely ineffective against James in the post. The growth in Diaw has been no accident. Though holed in the darkness of Charlotte, Boris saw the light and the future of the league which he holds so dear. He knew beyond knowing that at some point, his path would cross with the once and future King. And when these two titans came together in epic battle, Diaw knew he must be larger, more in-charge-er. All that planning has come to fruition. If the Spurs are to win this championship and exact their revenge on the Miami Heat, it will be at the hand and heft of Boris.

Boris Diaw made himself into the Kingslayer. Long may he reign.