Fansided

Hardwood Paroxysm’s NBA Summer Jams Mixtape

By HP Basketball Network

Jun 10, 2014; Miami, FL, USA; San Antonio Spurs guard Danny Green arrives wearing Beats by Dre headphones prior to game three of the 2014 NBA Finals against the Miami Heat at American Airlines Arena. Mandatory Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports
Jun 10, 2014; Miami, FL, USA; San Antonio Spurs guard Danny Green arrives wearing Beats by Dre headphones prior to game three of the 2014 NBA Finals against the Miami Heat at American Airlines Arena. Mandatory Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports /
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“Call Me Maybe,” by Carly Rae Jepsen, recommended for Danny Ainge

By Evans Clinchy (@evansclinchy)

If you’ve ever watched the video for Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” (AND I KNOW YOU HAVE, QUIT LYING, I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU), you can probably recall the story with ease. Carly Rae is dying to get the attention of this cute guy, right? So she does everything in her power to entice him – she sings and she dances, and she flashes this adorable pearly-white smile, and she prances around and makes it look as though she’s washing a car, although to be honest it looks like she’s doing a really terrible job, seeing as there’s a mess of soap suds everywhere and she’s not rinsing them. Anyway, she’s trying.

You remember how the story ends. After all of her efforts to overwhelm the guy with her cuteness, it turns out to be a lost cause because the guy is gay and he’s really interested in the guy behind Carly Rae playing bass, not in Carly Rae. She could have tried every trick in the book, and nothing would have worked. The girl was just barking up the wrong tree.

Carly Rae, in this absurd metaphor that I myself honestly can’t believe I’m writing about right now, is the Celtics’ Danny Ainge. Danny has been trying relentlessly all summer long to pry Kevin Love away from Flip Saunders and the Timberwolves, and he’s dangling all kinds of mediocre assets – Jared Sullinger, Kelly Olynyk, a Clippers first-round pick that’s likely to fall somewhere around No. 26. He’s not getting anywhere. It just makes you want to scream “DUDE. DANNY. GIVE IT UP, FLIP DOESN’T SWING THAT WAY.” But no matter how loud you call out to him, Danny can’t hear anything you say – your words are all lost in a massive proverbial spiderweb of Bostonian delusion and hype and championship impatience. Danny wants Love, and no voice of reason will ever get through to him.

That’s Carly Rae. She wants her guy, and she’ll stop at nothing. Except maybe seeing the hot guy in the back of the garage flirting with Andrew Wiggins.

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