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Dildo-related injuries to skyrocket after release of ‘Fifty Shades’

By Tony Tran

Promotional Poster for "Fifty Shades of Grey."Photo Credit: Focus Features
Promotional Poster for "Fifty Shades of Grey."Photo Credit: Focus Features /
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With the release of the hotly anticipated ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ movie coming out this Valentine’s Day, researchers are anticipating a rise in sex toy related injuries.

Always practice safe sex. Also, always practice safe sex toy sex. That is the message that the nation’s emergency room doctors want people to know before the Fifty Shades of Grey movie hits theaters this weekend.

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And there’s good reason for that: researchers are anticipating a huge rise in sex toy related injuries after the release of the film.

That’s right. According to research done by the Washington Post’s Wonk Blog, American’s have been injuring themselves in unprecedented numbers since the publication of E.L James’s novel. Check out the startling graph here.

From the blog:

"“There’s no proof that the book caused the surge, but we probably can thank Fifty Shades of Grey, which featured bondage and other sex practices, for at least some of this phenomenon. The book, which has been read by tens of millions of people, and upcoming movie have been a boon to the sex toy industry. At Target, you can buy any number of 50 Shades-themed movie tie-ins. Market research firm IBIS World estimates that adult toys were a $608 million business in 2013, and credits the erotic novels with driving much of the industry’s 7.5 percent year-over-year growth.”"

According to the research, the nation can expect to see plenty of emergency calls for dildos and vibrators stuck in places that should never see the light of day.

Though the injuries mainly involve sex toys, there are a surprising number that do not. In fact, according to the data, they have collected information “to measure the number of injuries associated with the thousands of different consumer products in the marketplace.”

Consumer products is the least sexy way of describing things shaped like a penis.

Surprisingly enough, many of the injuries are occurring to men not women. And not just any men, middle-aged men. That’s right. It turns out that the folks who are getting their rocks off the most to Fifty Shades related activities have been guys like your high school principal or your used car salesman.

They write::

"“The agency shares the demographics of this group of patients. The median sex toy injury victim is a middle-aged man — 58 percent of the patients are male, and the median age among this group is 44. The women skew younger, with a median age of 30. The oldest man in the dataset is 85, while the oldest women is 67.”"

Prepare yourselves, ER doctors. The dildos are coming.

[H/T: BroBible]

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