Thursday Night Football sucks this week, so let’s get drunk

Here’s a drinking game to kill (or at least numb) the pain from a terrible Thursday Night Football matchup.

My God is this week’s edition of Thursday Night Football putrid. I’m guessing that when the NFL rolled this game out on the schedule they weren’t expecting it to be the fourth best contest of the night – Warriors-Clips, USF-Baylor women’s basketball and the Free Beer Bowl between ECU and UCF are all better options.

If nothing else it’ll be interesting to see how FanSided’s favorite salty announcer Rich Eisen will sell the shit sandwich that is Week 11: Tennessee at Jacksonville. Probably just roll a swallow of Louis XIII around in his mouth, spit it into the golden spittoon beside his nicely polished Rockports and wonder if Mefistofele has finally come to collect.

But you know what, ol’ Salty Richard has the right idea. It’s gonna take booze to get through this one. Lots of it.

If you’re one of those masochistic bastards who absolutely must watch every NFL game, or maybe a depressed media member forced to cover this monstrosity, then consider this post a gift to you: a drinking game to help you make it through the AFC South’s version of a game bearing playoff implications.

Stretch your liver and pop a couple of aspirins, it’s about to get ugly.

Beer

If you’re watching this game, you don’t deserve nice things. Put away that Double IPA. Hold the Imperial Stout for happier days. This one is all about the salt-of-the-Earth beers. The watered down swill you drank in college or high school or when you lost your wallet and bought liquid relief with change from a roommate’s coin collection.

Busch, Busch Light, MGD, Keystone, Natty (Light or Boh) – you get the picture*. Here’s the rule of thumb: If the 12-pack costs more than $7 (and the case more than $13) then it’s too nice. Dirty game, dirty buzz. Besides, we’re all about volume here.

*Every member playing will also require one can of Steel Reserve

God save the queen.

Padding

Wings, fries and ribs. Why wings, fries and ribs? Well, friends, this game is in DUVAAAAAAAL. And prior to the last Super Bowl, some good member of that lovely county was on the lamb after stealing $4,000 worth of wings, fries and ribs from a Jacksonville BBQ joint.

Anytime a Florida Man steals four stacks of wings, fries and ribs for a Super Bowl party, dammit you have to honor him.

Pregame

Settle in with your buddies and everyone choose sides. After teams have evenly been distributed, everyone shotguns their Steel Reserve. It’s a sign of unity showing that, even though things are about to go south, at least you’ll be among brothers and sisters in arms.

Mandatory Drinking Rules

• One drink every time Phil Simms says “talk about” – here’s a handy Twitter feed to help keep you honest
• One drink for every play that is not a first down
• One drink for every penalty
• Two drinks for every surrender cobra (visual of the cobra here)
• One drink for every person in the cabana pools (must do this every time the pools are shown)
  • take a shot if any of the people has jeans on
• Two drinks for every incomplete pass
• Two drinks for every Marcus Mariota/Blake Bortles splits screen
• Five drinks for every punt
• Ten drinks every time teams are mentioned as playoff contenders
• Ten drinks every time the AFC South standings are shown

Give-Take

Pretty standard here: If your team (as selected before the Steel Reserve chug) scores, give out your team’s point total to others playing the game. For example, let’s say Jacksonville just kicked it’s fourth field goal to go up, 12-0, you then give out 12 drinks to whomever you desire.

Ironclad Challenge (Optional)

Power hour until both teams have scored**. And we’re talking real time here, not game time. As soon as things kick off, you set that timer and keep going every minute until both squads are off the schneid. God save you and your liver if this bastard hits halftime with a 0-0 score.

**You can also do the power hour until the first score of the game, should you want to make it a Tinclad Challenge

Physical Challenge

Sit down and watch this game without ever getting up or changing the channel.

Much more difficult than it seems.

That means no getting up to get a beer, take a whiz, stretch the legs, watch other games during commercial …

Get your booze, empty your bladder, keep food nearby, probably a computer too, and settle in for the longest game of your life.

Loser buys the winner 12er of his/her favorite beer. No frills with this one.

Hangover Cure

One cup coffee, 36 oz orange juice, 12 oz Gatorade, order of Waffle House hash browns scattered, smothered, covered and chunked.

Tuesday Morning Work/School Excuse

Option 1: Honest Injun. “I am a degenerate and I watched the entire Tennessee Titans-Jacksonville Jaguars game. That was punishment enough. I’m sorry.”

Option 2: “That magnificent bastard Rich Eisen told me it would be okay. He lied to me!”