5 dumbest sports controversies of 2015

1. Deflategate

Oh man, even typing that string of letters is hard. I kind of fear that merely writing the word “Deflategate” will open up some time-warp vortex and transport us all back to those hellish first few months of the calendar year, when the varying levels of air pressure in an ovoidal leather object were treated as matter of life or death. The story dominated even non-sports news. Actual scientists got involved. It was a face of the highest proportions.

The Deflategate saga was a masterclass of obnoxiousness. It pitted smug, cheating-is-cool-when-we-do-it New England Patriots fans against mewling, jealous Pats-haters in an all-out battle to see which side could more clumsily and loudly play the victimization card and claim the moral high ground on Idiocy Mountain. New England supporters said they were the target of a conspiracy to discredit Touchdown Tom — he of symmetrical face and reasonable political opinions about 2016 presidential candidates — and Bill “Grumpy Dad” Belichick. Anti-Pats people said that actually, no, the conspiracy worked the opposite way: it was the Pats who were beneficiaries of a corrupt system that had a vested interest in seeing their continued success. Nobody escaped the debate without becoming dummer dumbered dumber (see, I’m still battling the effects).

The controversy was a windfall for those dedicated to a life of finding any and all jokes about testicles hilarious. For the rest of us, though, it was a few months — months! — of stupidity that will takes years of therapy to overcome.