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33 NFL Players To Help You Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

By Matthew Miranda

FOXBORO, MA - AUGUST 11: Rob Gronkowski
FOXBORO, MA - AUGUST 11: Rob Gronkowski /
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Jul 31, 2016; Berea, OH, USA; Cleveland Browns outside linebacker Joe Thomas, left, talks with rookie outside linebacker Shon Coleman following practice at the Cleveland Browns Training Facility in Berea, OH. Mandatory Credit: Scott R. Galvin-USA TODAY Sports
Jul 31, 2016; Berea, OH, USA; Cleveland Browns outside linebacker Joe Thomas, left, talks with rookie outside linebacker Shon Coleman following practice at the Cleveland Browns Training Facility in Berea, OH. Mandatory Credit: Scott R. Galvin-USA TODAY Sports /

12. Joe Thomas

Imagine if you will the existence of Joe Thomas, whose job site, the line of scrimmage, is a bacchanalia of intimate violence. Rules exist there, but are broken so often they are almost irrelevant. The nine-time Pro Bowler is the master of the maelstrom: in six of Thomas’ 16 games last year, he didn’t allow a single quarterback pressure. No sacks. No hits. Not even a hurry. That kind of consistent dominance, repeated for nearly a decade, is what you’d look for if you were considering joining a survivor group to join up with in a zombie apocalypse. If Joe Thomas is in the group you’re considering, you join that group. He’s spent half his life dominating his personal space. That’s 6-foot-6 and 312 pounds of personal space. You want his space to be your space.

Thomas has excelled over a career spent entirely with the Cleveland Browns, so he may actually be overqualified for the position of savior. The greatest danger of a zombie apocalypse is its constancy. It’s easy to defy the odds for a week, for a season, maybe. To do so over and over and over again for years requires repeatedly winning inches of space, split seconds of time.

Next: Andrew Luck

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