This Week In Sports Apparel: Impressively Ugly Yeezys Stole The Show
By Tim Ryan
The increasingly competitive market for all things sports apparel — most significantly, sneakers — tends to bring out the best and worst from the major players in the industry. Because just like any other business, necessary risks must be taken and bold moves need to be made in order to gain that necessary edge, making failure an inevitable reality; sometimes on a regular basis.
For some brands, the key to winning has come through obvious no-brainers, like Adidas signing Kanye West to do whatever the hell he wants with a shoe — or anything else for that matter — as he’s done so to an absurdly successful degree.
Yes, this is the same dude who had the balls to sell a plain white t-shirt — yes, A PLAIN WHITE T-SHIRT — for $120 and have it sellout instantaneously.
We should all seriously remind ourselves at lease once a day that this actually happened, followed soon thereafter by a Kevin Garnett “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE” primal scream.
Other times, though, the process doesn’t go nearly as smoothly and leaves you wondering just how the damn thing ever made its way to a client presentation, let alone full-scale production.
Ironically, this week’s edition of Abomination City begins from the same spot we just praised: Adidas and Kanye. But trust me, its comes with damn good reason.
Adidas Yeezy Boost 350 V2 “Beluga” – $220
Just because the shoe we have here comes from the aforementioned delicate genius doesn’t mean it’s impervious to criticism. I don’t care if they already sold out after releasing this past Saturday, nor do I care if they’re outrageously comfortable. You know why? Because these are uglier than an emergency, Starbucks-induced shit.
But let’s give this thing the benefit of the doubt and look at the other side in the hopes of… some hope?
Nope. The best thing I can say about the style on this side of the equation is that it reminds me of the new fireworks effect on iOS10.
See?
Which is to safely say, there’s really nothing nice to say. And priced at $220? Kiss a dick.
Having said that, it would be pretty comforting to one day learn that the concept for these Yeezy Boosts were cooked up by an aspiring designer no older than 12.
New York Jets Black Denim Jacket – $157.99
I’m not sure which I’m more offended by — the embarrassing price or the simple fact that this jacket actually exists.
Jordan Future Boot “Khaki” – $225
Any time you combine the words “future boot” and “khaki” into a product name, it’s pretty much destined to be a visual flop; and that’s basically what we have here.
I can easily picture myself wearing these Future Desert Dandies while lugging Princess Vespa’s giant blowdryer through parts unknown.
This commenter from SoleCollector summed things up rather nicely:
Swish!
NYY New Era/LIDS Spike Lee Collection Snapback – $25
The most intriguing aspect of this certified beauty for the ages is its subtlety. So elegantly understated, but yet so rich in its powerful statement.
To cap things off, how a about a giant World Series Trophy in lieu of the standard button on top?
At least the back looks cool.
ZooZatz Oregon Ducks Stacked Mascot Sweatshirt – $39.99
Jesus, Oregon. For the love of polyester and our bleeding eyeballs, get a hold of yourselves. It appears we’re one or two short steps away from throwing on some poorly strung Christmas lights.
Perhaps a massive shakeup in the approval process is in order, shattered egos be damned.
NYY New Era/LIDS Double Whammy Snapback – $20
This one’s pretty simple: It should be one or the other. Combined? A whole lot of “Nah.”
On that note, I would like to take this moment to thank the “clearance” tab on Lids, which is the definition of a VISUAL FEAST.
Hands High Oregon Ducks Gray Cut Back T-Shirt – $31.99
No, really, Oregon. We just talked about this. Enough is ENOUGH.
Anyhow, here’s the official description of the shirt:
"“This tee features fun graphics under the arms that will be shown off every time you high-five your friends! Rock the newest trend in Oregon Ducks fashion with this exciting team tee.”"
I’d love nothing more than to meet the marketing guy who said, “you know what’s missing in the stands when bros are doling out high-fives to other bros? Befuddled. Ducks.”
Perfection. Now commence mass production to cure all those empty armpits! Or — and this is key — cease production immediately and reeeeeeeeel it back in when it comes to the invite list for these brainstorming sessions. Just a thought.
Under Armour Curry 2.5 “Miami” – $135
I love Under Armour but they still have no idea what they’re doing with sneakers. These things look like something one might see during a WNBA game (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
Cleveland Cavs New Era “Tri-All Print” Snapback – $10
It’s an obvious admission of failure when a hat representing the LeBron-led defending champs is going for 10 bucks. As Bill Walton used to say, terrrrrrrrrrible.
Cleveland Browns Denim Jacket – $107.99
via FansEdge
My favorite part about this lovely Cleveland Browns jean jacket is that — based on the “Few Left!” tag — it appears to actually be selling. Either that, or Levi’s only produced five and have already sold two. But I’d like to believe this is a very hot, must-have item in the city of Cleveland.
Dodgers New Era MLB “All-Cement” 59FIFTY Cap – $10
There’s a reason this “hat” went from $34.99 to just $15. Nobody wants the logo of their favorite team covered in a sea of lightning struck pube trimmings. Nobody.
Bonus Item: “Gorilla Eyes Printed Visor” Snapback – $5
I didn’t say Harambe, I’m just sayin’: This stunner used to be $21.99 and now it’s marked down to a mere FIVE dollars.
This is easily the steal of the week. #DoIt4HARAMBE #HeIsWithUs
*****
Previously: This Week In Sports Apparel – Terrible Sneakers And Hats
For more unapologetic mockery and utter nonsense, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram.