The battle of Old Trafford

Long live the fracas

A man must have a code, and Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s code, it seems, is to elbow one head for every head of his own that gets stepped on by an opponent. At least that’s what happened at Old Trafford on Saturday, after what looked like it was going to be a routine Manchester United win against Bournemouth turned into one of the silliest, most compelling matches of the season.

The silliness began in the middle of the first half, when Ibrahimovic and Tyrone Mings were involved in an off-the-ball incident, which seemed to consist of them grabbing each other and pushing each other and sort of generally pissing each other off, and ended with referee Kevin Friend giving the United player a yellow card.

Matters escalated a few minutes later when Mings stepped/stamped (depending on how much you hate Manchester United) on the side of Ibrahimovic’s head. Ibrahimovic, who has, as a man must, a code, retaliated shortly after by elbowing Mings, also in the side of the head, at a corner. An eye for an eye, the side of a head for the side of a head, as the saying goes.

There followed a bona fide fracas, the result of which was that neither Ibrahimovic nor Mings received any punishment whatsoever (unless the kicking and the elbowing count), and instead poor old Andrew Surman was sent off after receiving a second yellow for the babiest of baby shoves in the back of Ibrahimovic.

The fracas dust settled, the game proceeded and Bournemouth, somehow, managed to hold on for an excellent point. That was about the size of it, then. But who were the winners and losers?

Winner: Eddie Howe/Bournemouth

The word on the Cherries these days is that they’re horrible at defending. They were conceding almost three goals a game in the league in 2017 heading into the weekend, and had found themselves on the outskirts of the relegation battle. That trend looked it would continue in the opening 20 minutes at Old Trafford, and then all of a sudden they won a penalty, equalized, had their captain sent off and put in possibly their best defensive performance of the season with 10 players, staving off wave after wave of United attack to secure a much needed and confidence-boosting point.

Loser: Jose Mourinho/Manchester United

Not only did United draw another home match they should have won, it looks like they’ll be without their best player for the next three domestic matches, against Chelsea in the FA Cup and Middlesbrough and West Brom in the league. Of all the competitions United are still in, the FA Cup is probably the one they care about least, but their chances away at Chelsea still take a significant hit without their top goal scorer, while Boro and West Brom are both defensively solid teams that will look to frustrate United. Henrikh Mikhitaryan’s impending return should help, but those matches suddenly look a lot more like potential draws than they did a week ago.

Winner: Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Tyrone Mings, Jose Mourinho qua post-match interviewees

There was a lot to unpack after the game, and Ibrahimovic, Mings and Mourinho all faced what might, very hyperbolically, be called uncomfortable questions post-match. They all passed with flying colors. “You have the TV, you can see the images,” said Ibrahimovic. “I jump high and Mings jumps into my elbow.” Mings was more evasive. Asked about the words exchanged between him and Ibrahimovic between the stamp and the elbow, he said, “He just said ‘well played, you’re a good player … (smirking) nah, he didn’t.” Added Mourinho: “I’m a football man. I’m in football for many many years. I don’t like to speak after matches. What happened during match is what happened during match.” In conclusion, post-match interviews deserve to be treated as the world-class wastes of time they are.

Loser: Kevin Friend

As the fracas dust settled, Friend was forced to make some, any, decisions to make it clear to everyone just exactly how under control he had the whole situation. He failed, obviously, because the situation was impossible to control, but he at least he failed in a way that made he laugh. He missed Mings’ stamp, then he missed Ibrahimovic’s elbow, then he sent Surman off, but not before forgetting to send Surman off, Graham Poll style, and then having to track him down a minute or so later. That’s not a good look. In fact, it’s such a bad look it’s in contention for the worst possible look a referee can have. Do you know where Graham Poll is now? Neither do I, because I think someone threw him off a bridge like six years ago. Some have used the whole ordeal as further evidence for the need for video technology to assist referees, which makes sense in that it would be a much more effective way of enforcing the rules, but doesn’t make any sense in that if referees never made bad decisions, all of our anger would have to be directed somewhere else, like maybe each other. Referees are not the heroes we deserve, etc.

Winner/Loser: Andrew Surman

God bless Andrew Surman. There is a rule in sports, unspoken (and dumb) but also important, that when one’s teammate is metaphorically (or literally) elbowed, one must metaphorically (or literally) elbow right back, even when the original elbower is taekwondo black belt and professional speaker-in-the-third-person Zlatan Ibrahimovic, and also even when one is on a yellow card. This rule has a way of making people look like idiots, but it must be obeyed, as Surman found out the hard way. But he also found it out the glorious way, catalyst that his sending off was for his team’s best defensive performance of the season.

Loser: Tyrone Mings and Zlatan Ibrahimovic qua players 

They may have gotten away with their indiscretions during the match, and they may also have handled their post-match press duties with considerable aplomb, but Mings and Ibrahimovic have both since been hunted down by the long arm of the FA. Ibrahimovic faces a three-match ban, while Mings could be out for even longer. There’s no escaping the righteous fury of a “three men panel of former elite referees.”

Winner: Fracases

There remain — even in this most pathetic, contact-shy era of the beautiful game — few more effective ways of turning a match from mildly engaging to downright compelling than a good old, 22-man shoving match. Call me old fashioned if you must, but that’s not my name. Long live the fracas.

Weekly Awards

The Not Jose Mourinho Award for Post-match Empathy: Sean Dyche

Burnley went oh-so-close to securing their first away win of the season against Swansea on Saturday, but ultimately lost 3-2 after conceding a stoppage-time Fernando Llorente winner. That the match was level heading into stoppage time owed much to the decision-making of referee Anthony Taylor, who wrongly awarded the Clarets a penalty in the first half. Taylor was under extra scrutiny after making headlines during the week for a three-day, presumably alcohol-fueled trip to Marbella to celebrate his impending marriage. After the match, one bold journalist decided to ask Burnley manager Sean Dyche his thoughts on the Marbella incident, in response to which Dyche gave perhaps the greatest answer in the history of Burnley press conferences (and I assure you that is as a low a bar as it sounds): “He’s a human being. He’s allowed to live his life, I would imagine. I don’t know, unless there’s a rule that prevents him from doing that. I genuinely don’t know. A no Marbella rule. I don’t know. As long as he stayed off the carbs, because it’s no carbs before Marbs.”

The Thierry Henry Award for Goals II: Andros Townsend

The Crystal Palace revival continued this weekend, as the Eagles followed up their extremely underwhelming 1-0 home win against Middlesbrough last week with a much more impressive 2-0 away win against West Brom, whose home record against the bottom half of the league had, until Saturday, read: played eight, won seven, drawn one. Wilfried Zaha’s opener was excellent, but Andros Townsend topped it, finishing past Ben Foster (with a little help Jonny Evans) after a wonderful, if slightly labored, run from the top of his own penalty area. As ever when Townsend scores a goal like this, you’re left to wonder what exactly he’s up to the rest of the time. Then again, if ever there was a player custom-built to run 80 yards in a straight line before beating Craig Dawson with a step over, it is surely Andros Townsend.

The 1998 Ronaldo Memorial Award for Why’s He Not Starting?: Alexis Sanchez

Arsene Wenger made a splash ahead of Arsenal’s match with Liverpool on Saturday by starting Alexis Sanchez on the bench. There was much, predictable, confusion as the watching world tried to convince itself Olivier Giroud’s aerial presence and Danny Welbeck’s, um, pace offered some tactical value Sanchez’s vastly superior quality did not. But no, it turns out being good is the always best tactics, which fact was further highlighted when Sanchez came on at halftime, and caused Liverpool more problems in 10 minutes than the rest of his teammates combined had in the previous 45. It has since emerged Sanchez was dropped as punishment for storming out of training session earlier in the week, which means instead of there being one Arsenal winner in this whole debacle (Sanchez), there are now zero.

The Ronaldinho Award for Back Control: Eden Hazard

Chelsea’s slow, inevitable march to the title continued on Monday, as they eased past West Ham at the London Stadium, 2-1. Eden Hazard was his usual, excellent self, scoring a wonderful opener after exchanging passes with Pedro at full speed on the break. But arguably his best moment of the match came in the buildup to the second goal, when, again running close to full speed, he used his back to direct a long Cesc Fabregas pass into the path of N’Golo Kante, who completed the one-two with one touch, because that’s how good Hazard is at passing with his back.

The Derby Award for “Have They Scored Yet?” “No, They Haven’t Scored Yet”: Middlesbrough

Middlesbrough were well beaten by Stoke on Saturday, losing 2-0 to bring their Premier League scoreless streak to four games. They’re fast approaching the seven consecutive matches Derby, the least prolific side in top flight history, failed to score in in 2007-08. The only goals Boro have scored in any competition since the beginning of February came in a 3-2 FA Cup fifth round win against League One Oxford United. The loss to Stoke also saw Aitor Karanka’s side fall into the relegation zone for the first time this season. They’re in 18th place, three points from safety, and arguably playing worse than any other side in the bottom six, including Sunderland. Still, they’ve got a good defense.