The 10 greatest mustaches in NBA history

BEST-IN-BRISTLES

The brilliance of the dog-show format is that the Westminster judges long-ago realized it was hopeless to compare a pug to a rottweiler. Instead, each dog is judged based on the standards of his own breed, the breed champions are compared to similar breeds within the same group, and the best representative of each group competes for the prize of Best-in-Show.

So, for me, it’s less about picking the best mustache in the history of the NBA, and more about picking the NBA mustache that is most representative of a mustache ideal. To review, here are the winners of the nine themed groups:

Style – Artis Gilmore
Masculinity – John Lucas
Camaraderie – Kurt Rambis and the 1985-86 Lakers
Dreaminess – Larry Bird
Empowerment – Carmelo Anthony
Humor – Steven Adams
Authority – Mike D’Antoni
Exuberance – Young Phil Jackson
Randomness – Adam Morrison

While there are many wonderful candidates from which to choose. For me, there is one clear winner: John Lucas has the most masculine mustache in the history of basketball. That thing is thick enough to mount a bookshelf — by which I mean, you could attach a bookshelf to his mustache or you could use his mustache to hammer a bookshelf to the wall. It’s that strong.

Next: What each NBA coach would be doing if he wasn’t an NBA coach

This is a lifetime achievement award, too. Lucas is now the player development coach for the Rockets, but his jet-black mustache is identical to the one that he had as a rookie in Houston 40 years ago.

So, Mr. Lucas, if you please, trot that hairy beast out for a victory lap, you deserve a standing ovation.