30 replacements for Roger Goodell
By John Buhler
18. Mark Wahlberg
From underwear modeling to being in the Funky Bunch to being a top-five Boston actor of all-time (maybe?) to Wahlburgers to leaving Super Bowl LI early, Mark Wahlberg is everywhere, whether you like it or not. For that reason, he has to be in consideration for NFL commissionership.
Would every decision Commissioner Wahlberg make favor the New England Patriots? Yes, because who doesn’t love seeing dynasties live on forever? While Wahlberg wouldn’t have to create an AFC Championship Game clause for the Patriots, as they will be there every year anyway, he would make it all the more difficult for the Buffalo Bills, the Miami Dolphins and the New York Jets to win the AFC East.
It’ll be fun for fans of not those three middling AFC East franchises. Wahlberg will be a man of the people, taking well-thought out questions on Twitter that will help him think of new ways to actively undermine the rest of the AFC East.
One day, the Patriots will do something incredible, like overcome a 25-point lead in the Super Bowl, and Wahlberg will make a movie about it. While the movie studios would advocate that Academy Award winner Casey Affleck be in the leading role, no, that role is going to Wahlberg. The NFC will be run amazingly, but the AFC would basically be that reality television series minus the hamburgers.