Fansided

30 replacements for Roger Goodell

By John Buhler

Feb 6, 2016; San Francisco, CA, USA; American actor Jeff Goldblum on the red carpet prior to the NFL Honors award ceremony at Bill Graham Civic Auditorium. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
Feb 6, 2016; San Francisco, CA, USA; American actor Jeff Goldblum on the red carpet prior to the NFL Honors award ceremony at Bill Graham Civic Auditorium. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports /
facebooktwitterreddit
Prev
7 of 30
Next
June 14, 2015; Oakland, CA, USA; Metallica band members James Hetfield (left) and Kirk Hammett perform the national anthem before the Golden State Warriors play against the Cleveland Cavaliers in game five of the NBA Finals. at Oracle Arena. Mandatory Credit: Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports
June 14, 2015; Oakland, CA, USA; Metallica band members James Hetfield (left) and Kirk Hammett perform the national anthem before the Golden State Warriors play against the Cleveland Cavaliers in game five of the NBA Finals. at Oracle Arena. Mandatory Credit: Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports /

24. James Hetfield

Give him fuel, give him fire, give him the commissionership that he desires. In holy matrimony, we are gathered there today to wed the Metallica Family with the NFL Family. This wedding is going to be more Xxplosive than Dr. Dre. Leading the Metallica Family into commissionership is lead singer/guitarist James Hetfield.

Drummer Lars Ulrich really wanted the gig, so he’s deputy director. Guitarist Kirk Hammett didn’t really care and who really cares what Robert Trujillo had to say about coming aboard with the NFL. It’s not like you have listen to Metallica’s bassist anyway. RIP Cliff Burton, though.

Hetfield will have pyrotechnics at every NFL sanctioned event. There will be more open flames at the Super Bowl and at the NFL Draft than in the epicenter of a caldera of an active volcano. Do you need Enter Sandman to play every time the commissioner takes to the podium? Truthfully, Nothing Else Matters.

When some idiot team like the Minnesota Vikings take their sweet time thinking about picking a player, when time’s up, Hetfield will unleash For Whom the Bell Tools. He is the Master of Puppets, for sure. As Hetfield leaves the stage to do other Hetfieldian things, the light will exit and Fade to Black.

Home/NFL