30 replacements for Roger Goodell
By John Buhler
23. Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart has made a living in telling homemakers how to go about living their lives. She knows that the best information one can get comes from the inside. From back room deals to the occasional cover up, Stewart could be a primed candidate to be the next NFL commissioner.
Not sure that Stewart will be able to keep inside information as quiet as Paul Tagliabue may have with concussions on several occasions, but she did temporarily have an edge on Wall Street that one time. Jordan Belfort did too, so she’d have to have the Wolf of Wall Street working in the league office.
Stewart’s biggest contribution to the NFL will have to be how the on-field markings will come together. Buying chalk from a third party isn’t happening. To attempt to try to save money, Stewart will implement a rule that all grounds crews will have to rub rocks together between the hands to create the beautiful landscapes for her football gardens.
Doing so would be extremely labor intensive and ultimately drop the league into the red. However, the occasional homemaker will be able to look up from their latest issue of Southern Living to admire the artisanal craftsmanship of the markings. That’ll be cool and all, but once it starts snowing in the northern divisions, nobody is going to care.