10 great NBA players and the conspiracy theories they could make you believe

10. Kristaps Porzingis: Queen Elizabeth is a Cannibal

Queen Elizabeth II, the ruling monarch of England and whatever is left of the British Empire, is a vivacious 91 years, which may or may not be the result of years of feasting on human flesh and children’s blood. She’s ruled for 65 years and maintains a casual 330 official engagements a year, so what other explanation is there?

A cultural philosopher named Hubert Humdinger (who may not himself have existed?) first posited this theory in 1973 in an article (that may not have existed?) citing that she was “packed with more energy than the sun” on account of the “immense amount of spiritual energy in human muscle.”

Humdinger, who, again, might not have been real, also apparently asserted his theory at “a small dinner party, and nobody in attendance remembers that he did, except for him.” This is hysterical because a) who hasn’t floated an insane conspiracy at a dinner party when no one’s listening and b) if you’re making this up, wouldn’t you make up that your made-up philosopher convinced his made-up guests of your made-up royal cannibal theory?

More specifically, the conspiracy goes, Queen Elizabeth has a taste for children. Dozens of Canadian school children allegedly go missing each time the Queen visits. One guy claimed she dropped by the boarding school at which he worked and snatched several children. A soldier (or maybe it was a refrigerator repairman) claimed he found a secret freezer full of human body parts in Windsor Castle.

History is even more damning for the Queen. Per some uncredentialed lecturers, back in the day (the day being the 1700s), corpse medicine i.e. medicinal cannibalism was apparently very popular amongst the British royal family. So, it stands to reason, then, that Queen Elizabeth was raised with certain, uh, family recipes. She also, they say, has very sharp teeth. Of course, there is no evidence of any of this because she’s the Queen and the Queen can’t be prosecuted for having weird habits. (Also, cannibalism isn’t a crime in the U.K.?? Human-consumers are typically charged with murder or kidnapping.)

I dunno, Europeans, man.

Elsewhere, another European, one Kristaps Porzingis is disappearing the depression of New York Knicks fans like the Queen of England at a primary school. He is also a (newly crowned) monarch and the large adult son of a scientifically impossible number of people. In any case, the 2017-18 Knicks, led by the good King Kristaps, his merry jester Shimmying Timmy* and court bard/medieval hype-man Frank Ntillmatic, are winning (?) and fun (?!?). Europeans, man.

Kristaps Porzingis is Queen-Elizabeth-is-a-cannibal good.

*Tim Hardaway, Jr. is not technically European, but he did go to high school in Florida, where they also have cannibals.