Fansided

One Christmas gift for each NFL team

By John Buhler

JACKSONVILLE, FL - NOVEMBER 12: Quarterback Blake Bortles No. 5 of the Jacksonville Jaguars on a pass play during the game against the Los Angeles Chargers at EverBank Field on November 12, 2017 in Jacksonville, Florida. The Jaguars defeated the Los Angeles Chargers 20-17 in overtime. (Photo by Don Juan Moore/Getty Images)
JACKSONVILLE, FL - NOVEMBER 12: Quarterback Blake Bortles No. 5 of the Jacksonville Jaguars on a pass play during the game against the Los Angeles Chargers at EverBank Field on November 12, 2017 in Jacksonville, Florida. The Jaguars defeated the Los Angeles Chargers 20-17 in overtime. (Photo by Don Juan Moore/Getty Images) /
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CLEVELAND, OH – NOVEMBER 19: Myles Garrett No. 95 of the Cleveland Browns celebrates a fumble recovery in the third quarter against the Jacksonville Jaguars at FirstEnergy Stadium on November 19, 2017 in Cleveland, Ohio. (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)
CLEVELAND, OH – NOVEMBER 19: Myles Garrett No. 95 of the Cleveland Browns celebrates a fumble recovery in the third quarter against the Jacksonville Jaguars at FirstEnergy Stadium on November 19, 2017 in Cleveland, Ohio. (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images) /

Cleveland Browns: Paperback copies of Michael Lewis’ Moneyball to burn

Sure, we could give the Cleveland Browns a win for Christmas, but that was so last holiday season. We’re about keeping it current and never winning football games in Cleveland ever. That was a one time thing and you beat the dumb idiot Chargers on a missed field goal, so congratulations.

This year, you’re getting something that will keep you warm while you lose. No, not the nifty medical tent that you’ve all thought about hiding in from the rampant losing. I’m talking about paperback copies of Michael Lewis’ Moneyball to burn in trash cans on the sidelines. Zoning violations at FirstEnergy Stadium prevented the trust sleigh from bringing a flammable dumpster, so these oil drums will have to do.

I mean, who reads books anymore anyway? Like wouldn’t you rather have Brad Pitt star in an adapted screenplay of it anyway? No, you don’t need to hate Jonah Hill for essentially playing the guy that’s running your team into the ground. He was really good in 21 Jump Street and Superbad is amazing!

To really bring it all back home with this Moneyball book burning celebration, probably not shave or go inside for a month until you win. Eventually you’re going to look so homeless, the opposition won’t want to tackle you. That’s a win right there for sure! You can celebrate that win by throwing a kindling copy of that book at real life baseball brain Jonah Hill as he walks out of town like he’s Steven Glansberg or something. You can eat your desert by yourself. We got books to burn!