5 Stages of Grief: How to recognize someone with an NHL postseason problem
By C.L. Kohuss
NHL Playoff joy brings with it the soul-sucking pain of defeat — and the telltale signs that someone is going through the stages of hockey grief.
So, the hockey Gods left the playoff gate unattended and your significant other’s favorite club slithered in. Don’t worry, the error will be corrected shortly.
Hockey fans don’t do much feels-shares lest they be painted as human, so sometimes the only way to really dig into the psyche of an orangutan wearing a Nikita Kucherov jersey is to observe his behavior when there’s a banana on the line.
Welcome to the NHL postseason — home to the most sought after banana in all of sports. It’s a frightening time of the year.
In just over a week, eight out of 16 teams that fought gallantly to make the playoffs will be thrust into the pits of hockey limbo, also known as “golf season.” There’s a pretty good chance one of those teams is the heart and soul of someone you share a very small and enclosed space with.
By identifying the following stages of hockey grief, you can begin to help them cope and get your significant other the help they desperately need. Just be sure you’re in full riot gear.
5. Denial
“There’s still time left,” he says, inching closer to the widescreen. His hands are sweaty and pretty disgusting. It looks as though he hasn’t shaved since the last crescent moon. Blood is coming from his ear, or it might be salsa. You aren’t entirely sure. You just want to vacuum the chips he threw all over the floor after the first period.
“Honey,” you say. He turns to you slowly, his face contorting into a cross between Jack Torrance and every character John Malkovich has ever played.
He whispers. “There’s. Still. Time. Left.”
But is there time left? No. No there isn’t.
His team is down three games to zero in a best of four, they’re losing 9-1 and there are 28 seconds left. They’re on their third emergency goaltender. Even the referees have gone home.
Stage 1, your spouse is now in denial. This isn’t the time to try to snap them out of it though. We’ve got four stages left of heady temper tantrum, folks. All you can do is strap in, dig out the army helmet and dive as far away from the grenade as possible.
Key phrases to listen for:
“We can do this!”
“Come on, just one more goal.”
“We just need momentum.”
“This can’t be happening.”