The Bachelorette: A slightly shady guide to Hannah's suitors

Meet Hannah’s Bachelorette suitors

THE BACHELORETTE - "1501" - It's a tractor...It's a plane...It's the self-appointed king of the jungle! Hannah's search for fierce love is matched with fierce competition as one hopeful bachelor sets a high bar by jumping the fence, while another pops out from the limo, in true beast fashion. At the end of the day, whether he is a golf pro looking to be Hannah's hole-in-one, a Box King seeking a woman who checks all his boxes, or a man with a custom-made pizza delivery, everyone wants a piece of Hannah's heart on the highly anticipated 15th season of "The Bachelorette," premiering MONDAY, MAY 13 (8:00-10:01 p.m. EDT), on The ABC Television Network. (John Fleenor/ABC via Getty Images)HANNAH BROWN, CONNOR J. /

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THE BACHELORETTE – Hannah Brown caught the eye of Colton Underwood early on during the 23rd season of “The Bachelor,” showing him, and all of America, what Alabama Hannah is made of – a fun country girl who is unapologetically herself. After being sent home unexpectedly, Hannah took the time to reflect on her breakup, gaining a powerful understanding of her desire to be deeply and fiercely loved. Now, with a newfound sense of self and a little southern charm, she is more ready than ever to find her true love on the milestone 15th season of “The Bachelorette.” (ABC/Craig Sjodin)MIKE /

Mike: An Air Force vet that is afraid Hannah will ask him to go skydiving for some reason. Probably one of those “don’t you dare ask me to do this!” situations in which he actually wants the person to ask him to do it. Mike really wants to get into parkour, but he’s 31 years-old. Sorry buddy, you missed the window on that one. A day of parkour after 30 and you’ll be glued to the couch for a week. (Trust me, I’ve tried.)

Peter: Peter’s grandma’s name is Rose. Thanks, Peter. What exactly would you like us to do with this information?

Ryan: A “roller boy” from Philly who is freaked out by birds. He was his high school valedictorian (can’t be hard to achieve in Philly) who likes ice cream and tight rope walking. He’s a wild card. Apparently “roller boy” is the term used to describe “a data analyst who improves healthcare for women” because that’s what his bio says he does.

Scott: This software sales executive says he is a catch because he “has a real job.” Clearly he’s been reading some of these Bachelorette bios (see above). Scott is an admirer of Kris Jenner, so hopefully he and Hannah don’t have a daughter whose sex tape they later exploit. Scott trashes his credibility as a catch at the end of his bio: “Just for fun, Scott once ran in a circle around the mall food court, acting like a flying chicken.”

Thomas: “Mr. 4th Quarter” here played professional basketball overseas. That is wonderful. He’s probably a very fine ball player. His Bachelorette bio lists him as an “international basketball star.” While technically this may be correct, it’s slightly misleading. Players like LeBron James, Kevin Durant and Steph Curry are international basketball stars. Thomas is as much an international basketball star as I am a “professional journalist.”

Related Story. Hannah B talks her time on The Bachelor, friendships. light

There are eight more contestants that are either too nice or too unknown to make fun of at this point. Dustin, Garrett, Jonathan, Kevin, Matt Donald (gets a full name for some reason), Matthew, Tyler C. and Tyler G. aren’t off the hook yet, but their bios granted them safety this week.

Hannah’s Bachelorette journey begins Monday, May 13 at 8:00 p.m. ET on ABC.

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