The Bachelorette recap: Luke refuses to hop into massive lifeboat Hannah is offering

There were about 40 minutes of this two-hour Bachelorette episode that were fun. The rest was spent dealing with Luke. Yay…

The Bachelorette picks up where we left off with Luke vs. Luke. Hannah is distraught, so instead of logically sending Luke P. home, she had them talk to each other than canceled the cocktail party (because she already made up her mind about keeping Luke P., duh). She was about to tell us this when Luke S. disrupted the rose ceremony to apologize then self evict. Weird move, but at least we know he wasn’t only in it to promote his tequila company that we know nothing about.

Finally, the battle of the Luke’s finally came to an unfulfilling end tonight as Luke S. (actually seems nice) left and Luke P. (ratings) stayed. To say Bachelorette fans were shocked would be a nonsensical, incorrect statement. Disappointed, though? Yes. We are all pretty disappointed.

Connor, Dylan, Dustin, Mike, Kevin, Devin, Grant and Luke P. were given roses tonight, meaning Matteo and John Paul Jones were sent home shortly after Luke S. walked out. Hannah said Luke P. stayed because of her heart but I don’t think that’s what she’s thinking with at this moment. The saddest departure is definitely John Paul Jones, who Bachelorette Nation fell in love with after a strange start.

The remaining crew traveled to Scotland where Mike finally got his (and our) long-awaited solo date. Every time Luke P. is on camera, he is either covering tracks or lying to the guys. It’s become a hilarious sideshow as the guys hate him and call him out every time he tries to lie. Unfortunately, HANNAH DOESN’T SEE IT THAT WAY. The longer he stays on the show, the more people are getting upset with her.

It took all of maybe an hour for Hannah and Mike to try haggis in Scotland. It’s probably better than the bugs Hannah ate on last season of The Bachelor. The highlight was the English guy who tricked them into eating it then said he doesn’t eat it because it is terrible. Get this guy on Paradise!

Mike and Hannah are too cute but he’s not a complete loser prick like Luke P. so he probably won’t get as much air time or attention from either her or Bachelorette production. Twitter has already decided that Mike is going to be the next Bachelor, though, so we can look forward to that (or at least a long run in Paradise). Mike and Hannah open up to each other, kiss a bit and get generally closer as a nice, happy couple. Mike obviously got a rose.

The group date

Devin Tyler, Jed, Dylan, Grant, Connor, Kevin and Garrett were chosen for the group date, which means Luke P., who said he doesn’t know if he still wants to be here, gets the solo date. He’s gone back and forth about Hannah more than someone on a diet who is fighting the urge to eat that last cookie in the staff room.

The theme of the group date is Highland Games and the United States is not well represented. Without Luke around, everyone seems to have a fun time. There’s wrestling that doesn’t get too aggressive, people are smiling and Hannah is having a good time instead of cleaning up drama. Props to Hannah for making the guys wrestle in kilts. Yet another successful scouting mission.

Meanwhile, Mike and Luke P. were home alone at the mansion. Mike spent the day calling Luke out on his lies (Luke, you’re on TV you idiot) and sitting in silence. Dylan called him a douche-canoe earlier. Mike called him the Luke-Ness monster. Mike also called him a name I’m not allowed to use on FanSided.

During the group date, poor Kevin realized he needs to get himself onto TV more in order to hedge his bets for Bachelor in Paradise. He walked up to Jed and Hannah making out, still having not even kissed her himself, and stood there in awe for about 15 seconds. Sorry, Kev, you’re a seat filler at the moment. But at least your self-awareness is on point. Jed got the group date rose and Hannah pointed out how well the date went without Luke P. there to ruin it.

Luke P’s disaster of a date

It’s uncomfortable when Luke tries to talk to the rest of the guys. He’s burned every bridge to the ground and basically forced Hannah to give him a date so she could have enough time to figure out why the entire world can’t stand him. Luke, who lives in a world of lies and denial, thinks this date is going to go swimmingly. Luke is wrong. Hannah wants answers. A house full of men doesn’t hate you for no reason, bud, even if you’ve convinced yourself in that tiny peanut brain of yours that this is the case.

“Everywhere I go, everyone loves me.” Totally believable, Luke. You sound like a certain president we all know can’t keep his words in order. Luke tries to get around telling the truth by not answering Hannah’s questions and trying to get on with the date. Apparently, he didn’t get the memo that this was actually an interview.

Usually, pathological liars are good at lying but Luke P. is awful at it. Aside from when he said that everyone in every other aspect of his life loves him, he couldn’t string a sentence together. I almost feel bad for calling him an idiot now because, well, he is actually dumb (I said “almost”). Still, though, we cut to commercial on a sour note, which means they’ll make up and this cockroach will get another rose.

Hannah has Luke pegged as someone who says exactly what women want them to say (bingo) and he comforts her by telling her what she wants to hear. She’s having a horrible time, but Luke, in denial once again, acts like everything is normal. It’s borderline impressive how much he can ignore things going so so poorly and try to put on a facade that the date is going well.

Here’s what I think is going on. Taking someone who is basically a fitness model to fantasy suites definitely isn’t a horrible play by Hannah, as long as she knows that those are her true intentions. Tyler, Jed and Peter are all nice luxury vehicles but Luke is one last ride in a Lambo. Dangerous and stupid, but also pretty fun. She’s trying so hard to justify him being here but he is not giving her a single reason why.

That date was hard to watch. Uncomfortable, stupid and a waste of all of our time. Luke and Hannah are equally at fault for this waste of 20 minutes. She is being stupid for giving him so much lifeline and he is literally too stupid to grab onto it. Maybe they should be together. Anyway, Let’s all give one last toast to our man JPJ:

Luke didn’t get his rose (yet) and there was no rose ceremony tonight. Let’s all prepare for another wasted week dealing with his nonsense on Monday.

The Bachelorette will return to Monday evenings at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.