Oh the places you’ll go: Predicting what the Blues do with the Stanley Cup

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS - JUNE 12: Patrick Maroon #7 of the St. Louis Blues takes a drink from the Stanley Cup in the locker room after the 2019 NHL Stanley Cup Final at TD Garden on June 12, 2019 in Boston, Massachusetts. The St. Louis Blues defeated the Boston Bruins 4-1 in Game 7 to win the Stanley Cup Final 4-3. (Photo by Dave Sandford/NHLI via Getty Images)
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS - JUNE 12: Patrick Maroon #7 of the St. Louis Blues takes a drink from the Stanley Cup in the locker room after the 2019 NHL Stanley Cup Final at TD Garden on June 12, 2019 in Boston, Massachusetts. The St. Louis Blues defeated the Boston Bruins 4-1 in Game 7 to win the Stanley Cup Final 4-3. (Photo by Dave Sandford/NHLI via Getty Images) /
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BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – JUNE 12: Jordan Binnington #50 of the St. Louis Blues celebrates with fans after defeating the Boston Bruins in Game Seven to win the 2019 NHL Stanley Cup Final at TD Garden on June 12, 2019 in Boston, Massachusetts. (Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images)
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – JUNE 12: Jordan Binnington #50 of the St. Louis Blues celebrates with fans after defeating the Boston Bruins in Game Seven to win the 2019 NHL Stanley Cup Final at TD Garden on June 12, 2019 in Boston, Massachusetts. (Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images) /

2. Binnington spurns Canada for the lolz

“Do I look like I’m taking the Cup to Canada?” Binnington replied.

“No.” The reporter was sweating, nervous. He’d just eaten mom’s spaghetti so you probably know the rest.

“Well,” said Jordan, nodding, “There’s your answer.”

In what goes down as a major twist considering practically every player on the Blues roster is Canadian, Binnington and all others decide nah, Canada ain’t seein’ none of this. They can get their own Cup.

Instead, Jordan decides to take the trophy to Disneyland where—halfway through the Incredicoaster—he hurls the Cup off the side while maniacally laughing and shouting, “Ain’t nobody gettin’ this now!”

The story is bad publicity so the Blues immediately cut him and the NHL replaces the Cup with a steel pair of bifocals. The only names engraved from here on out are that of officiating crews who knew the difference between a hand pass and a major penalty. No one’s name is engraved for the next half-century and the league folds.

Kids begin selling black market parts of the Cup while telling of how the Blues broke Zdeno Chara’s face and how they broke the NHL. An old man appears at the stall and whispers, “I’m Jordan. It’s been 84 years. May I take a look at your possessions. Ahhh I was once a champion, see.” He’s shooed away by the children like a circus of pigeons gathering across a bread loaf. They laugh and throw firecrackers in his general direction. “Ha, get out of here old man!”