Oh the places you’ll go: Predicting what the Blues do with the Stanley Cup
By C.L. Kohuss
3. Robert Bortuzzo cross-checks the Cup into a vat of molten lava
Robert Bortuzzo looked around to make sure nobody was watching. He was alone, probably because he was at the apex of a volcano for some reason. Then, in one swift and hearty motion, he put lumber square to the face of Stanley who sorta just leaned backward and kerplunked into the super hot and spicy below.
“Oh, that’s a flop! Come on!” said Bortuzzo. “Ridiculous!”
4. Pat Maroon leaves the Oilers on read
“Yeah, McDavid texted me, ” Maroon told a flock of seagulls. “Talkin’ about how I should let him sleep with the Cup for one night. But like, I didn’t even respond to it, man. I got out. I’m one of the lucky ones. Sometimes you just have to work harder to get yourself booted off an undesirable.”
1. Putin can’t help himself
Vladimir Tarasenko takes the Cup to mother Russia where Vladimir Putin puts it in his pocket and says, “Mine now.” The White House doesn’t bother trying to get it back because lol who watches hockey anyway.
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